The New M.E. Generation











We went home after eating and I was nervous of what he would think of my apartment. I gave him a 5-minute preview of the complex from the parking lot before going upstairs.

“This is very nice!” said he while looking around the exterior of the building and inside my place. It gave me a sense of relief since his opinion greatly mattered to me.

“Are you nervous about me being here?” asked he.

“Yes, I think it has always been me visiting you in the past. It’s awkward now being single you coming back into my world in the real. I sort of lost sense of how that felt, among other things in my life,” said I.

“I will say that your apartment looks clean and organized; everything is in its place. That’s how I remember you for and I’m glad that you’re still that way,” continued he.

I looked around and wondered why my emotions were not all in the right place. I remembered at the beginning of being single how I cleaned all the time, things had to be done in a certain way, and having people over made me very nervous.

I was just trying to find an order among the chaos of the divorce, finally doing the things my way without any person telling me how or being negatively criticized, and didn’t want to let people into my space for fear they would ‘disorganize’ it again.

Now I wasn’t as strict about the cleaning, but was keeping it up because it was important for my overall wellbeing. I was doing it for myself, not for other people’s approval.

Having people over though is still a test of how I handle others, even though it is just him, someone I’ve know for so long, or so I thought.

I organized my sofa for my friend to sleep at, explained where the water heater would be set on and off, where the spare keys were, etc., since I had to go to work the next day.

He was organizing his things in his suitcase when I excused myself for the night.

“Are you sleeping by yourself?” asked he. I looked at him startled. “Can’t believe you’re not sharing your bed with any one.”

I don’t recall if I said anything, but definitely turned down his offer. I got into my room and locked the door without making noise and made sure it was closed correctly.

He had told me many times before that ‘he and I would make a good team. That we had known each other forever, our parents as well, etc.; that there wouldn’t be a reason why it wouldn’t work out between us.’

But there were plenty of reasons from my end. For starters I had never been physically attracted to him, even less now.

Second, his constant moving because of work isn’t appealing to me and he knew it. I need stability, not following somebody everywhere or having a life determined by him that I have not control of.

Third, I was on my own because I haven’t found the right guy yet to share that small bed I have, and I wanted to do that with someone that I’m in love and in a relationship with. Going for a quickie or one-night stand isn’t for me, as much as one may physically need it. I have to aim for what makes me happy, period.

Lastly, he’s still communicating with that bitch, so it’s not entirely over between them in spite he saying otherwise.

I went to sleep and at times looked at my door. I was wondering if he would try to come to my room, but I trusted he wouldn’t and he didn’t.

Then I started thinking about his proposal. What if I’m still single because he’s the one meant for me? Is this what the universe is trying to tell me and I’m not getting the message?

Actually, I am getting the message and it’s the same one I’ve been receiving as before as it relates to him, which is ‘don’t do it’.

In other words, what I am feeling towards you is: I ain’t feeling it.

Advertisements


Despite the huge disappointment I had with Edward in the brief time we were together (if I can define it as that), I did what I used to do with other guys, I kept communicating with him. In other words, I was the one who continued putting the effort of having anything, if that, going.

The difference was I wasn’t pursuing him continuously. I would call him once in a while to find out how he and his children were doing. I would even ask him how things with the chick from the party were doing.

Turns out they were still dating, but he wouldn’t talk much about it. His divorce was still ongoing and was taking longer than it needed to be, so he just wanted to get that resolved first and then worry about what happened later.

Interesting part was I wasn’t feeling much when we discussed his love life. I think the circumstances of all that happened simply closed by emotions to him.

I was content with the relationship we were having, even if it was only through a phone. Sometimes he would invite me to the dog park to hang out with him, kids and pet on any given Sunday afternoon.

They were pleasant, stress-free moments. Still, I would look at all that and wondered if I had let a good opportunity pass me by. After all, he had all that I wanted from a man, all except feelings for him that would motivate me to try to pursue a relationship.

I would try to imagine myself as his companion and being part of his kids’ life, but there was something that wasn’t connecting it all together.

There was no spark or something that pushed me towards him. Yes, it was all weird. How was it possible that of all the guys I met I would feel something, but not towards him?

Was it that I tried so hard to make it right that I actually made it all wrong? Did I become my own worst enemy, literally?

And before I could actually answer my own questions, it all came down to an end in an instant.

It was another day at the dog park. I don’t remember if I called him (probably did) and when I got there, the chick from the party was also there. We both looked at each other as if we were having an out of body experience.

Edward didn’t seem to understand how uncomfortable the situation was, especially me who had no business being there. Even more, the way they behaved clearly showed they were already an item. He literally took me to the dogs and it was time for me to talk a walk far away from there.

After that day I believe I stopped communicating with him all together. From time to time I would see his posts and she would always be at his side.

They were always traveling somewhere (kids included) and the locations were ones any woman would love to go to.

I would again wonder if I had made a mistake with him. Damn, that could have been me in all those photos.

I was feeling envious, but more of the relationship they were having (which I didn’t have) and the allure of traveling the world.

Reality is, all that may sound very romantic, but if you don’t feel anything for the other person, you will not enjoy any of it. That has happened to me before, so, believe me, I know what I’m saying.

Let’s just say this flight has landed and will not take this route (with him) ever again.



Jesse did disappear from the radar. Whatever the reasons he did so were unimportant to me. I was actually relieved that most probably I wouldn’t speak to him again…sort of.

Some months later he sent me a text. It was a long weekend and he was hanging out with some friends, but still wanted to see me.

This sounded like a re-run of the previous incident. Although it was much earlier in the day and seemed like there was no pizza involved, he again mentioned he wanted to come over my place.

And when does he think he will do that, at 3am?

I wasn’t feeling it nor I thought it would be a good idea to give him a second chance, so I replied by telling him to enjoy the day with his friends.

In other words, sorry, I’m not available.

Jesse didn’t reply again or called me. I was glad it happened that way, even more that I did what I did.

After all, what’s your interest of seeing me when you’re having fun with others?

Like the younger crowd says nowadays, ‘whatever.’



“Listen dude, I’m in my 40’s.” This ‘cougar cub’ doesn’t react again to what I just said. He stayed standing there with a look in his eyes that read ‘I’m not going away.’

What else can I say that would definitely make him ‘run away’?

“I’m old enough to be, like, your mom…” Now it’s even worse. Instead, he even got more excited. His face read something to the extent of ‘I’ve hit the motherload!’

It finally hit me what’s going on here. The ‘cougar phenomenon’ is very much alive and kicking. But the men are the ones who are now really embracing it and going for it. They’re the ones who are doing ‘the hunt’ and have turned this ‘sport’ into their newest hobby.

Forget about watching football. Landing a cougar is the ultimate ticket to the major leagues of manhood.

But I’m not going for it, not this time around.

From what he was telling me about himself, I could tell that he was a descent guy, brought well with values and ethics by his family. He had a lot of attributes that any girl (his age) would appreciate.

He crossed me as someone that, even at 23, is worth spending time with and even going to the next level if the relationship is heading the right way.

“Why are you interested in me? Doesn’t the age difference bother you at all?” asked I. This is the first time I’ve gotten this serious with a guy I just met. Maybe I’ve finally learned my lesson from Dina and Madelyn; if it’s not for you, move on.

“I just want to get know you and take this as far as possible. If not, I’ll settle for just a friendship,” said he.

Oh, gosh, he sounds exactly like me. I’ve used this line so many other times and still have ended up involved in some way with no good results in the long run.

But I don’t feel it this time. I just don’t want anything, period.

Wow, this is a major breakthrough for me.

The ball is on my side now. What’s the call I’m going to go for here?



et cetera