The New M.E. Generation











Turns out that she and this guy had reconnected for a longer time than from when she had let me know. She asked me not say anything to anyone else, because his visits to our hometown were occurring more frequently and more extended in length. Her: “I still have feelings for him…”

WTH? What kind of “feelings” are those? Lack of self-respect? Self-esteem? After all the things he’s done to you, like lying, using and then dumping you to go back to the bitch, you think it’s fine to be with him again without even taking into account all the history involved here?

And I thought I was the one with guy issues! But after looking at this scenario, I haven’t done that bad, you know why? Because I’ve behaved exactly as this guy had taught me: to get rid of men or people that are useless/worthless in my life (“¡eso no sirve!”). Did anybody said “toxic relationship”? Exactly…

When before he would maybe spend a day or a few hours before departing to get back to the states, a long distance relationship was already in place, up to the point that he had left some personal items at her home to have in case he needed them.

Even more, when he needed to retrieve some items out of his storage space that he shared with the bitch, and take his name out of the lease agreement for good, he asked her to accompany him where he used to live previously with that woman.

I expressed to her that I was concerned about him using her again to get his problems solved, to which she disagreed. For him, it was more that in case the bitch showed up at the location at the same time as he (which happened), he didn’t wanted to face her by himself because she already had a new man (which she did).

For her, it was that in case the bitched showed up, that this person would see that this guy and her were back together. It was a “look who’s back, bitch” moment that she very much looked forward to.

Her: “When that bitch saw me, her jaw dropped! She couldn’t believe I was there, to the point she didn’t say a word, which is rare! She later called this guy’s mother to complain and the mom told her to basically go f*ck herself and never call again!”

After this incident, he accompanied her to a wedding and became more participant in other events she had.

Her: “Ever since these two broke up, he has become more ‘light’; he finally recognized that it was a bad relationship. And he’s less of a religious fanatic.” She was very convinced of this, but when I looked at some photos she shared of them traveling and else, I was getting another vibe. His body language might read ‘lighter’, but he didn’t look like he was a changed man.

Case in point, every time the conversation as to why our friendship abruptly ended came up, he would tell her “I don’t want to talk about it” with a tone that it was a non-negotiable topic. That he “didn’t hated me”, but I was still blocked on his phone and social media.

So “light” he isn’t. If he’s waiting for me to come out and apologize to him, or try to take the first step into trying to salvage the damage done so I look like the one who is at fault here, it ain’t happening! He’s still upset with me because I’m standing up to him and that bothers him.

And after 5 years on non-communication between him and me, the forecast doesn’t look good. If neither of us is willing to consider a peace treaty, the war between us will continue, unless someone else takes the step of holding the olive branch and do it.

 

 



The days went by and no sign of Ivan. To be honest, I was caught up with finishing the work year and looking forward to the vacation days that I forgot about him. It had been hectic at work and really needed some ‘me’ time. I just wanted to enjoy the holidays and end the year in a good note.

It wasn’t until New Year’s Eve that he resurfaced just as he said he would.

“Hey, I’m back in town and my sibling is visiting. What are you doing tonight?” text he.

I was surprised he actually contacted me, but even more that he invited me to celebrate this day with a family member.

“I actually have plans for tonight. But would love to meet up with you and your sibling some other time, perhaps tomorrow?” answered I.

He didn’t reply to my text. I was getting ready for the night, but also nervous that perhaps I was missing on an opportunity to see him, so I text him again.

“Maybe we could meet later after midnight?” text I.

Why not? I am the one complaining that nothing happens with guys and that my social life needs to improve. So then let’s do something really out of the norm for me. These moments happen rarely and this day only once a year.

No reply. Guess he was expecting another answer? Now what? Switch to ‘desperate mode’ and call him.

But, he went back to his old self: no answer. I left a voice message summarizing what I wrote, that would love to get together with him and other person, either tonight, tomorrow or whenever convenient for him, and to please call me back.

Of course, that didn’t happen. I got somewhat upset, but quickly put it aside. This end of the year, I wasn’t allowing any guy to make me feel guilty about anything.

It has really been many difficult years, but slowly and surely, I’ve grown personally and spiritually to levels it has taken me plenty of effort to achieve. And I just wanted the next year to be better than before.

That I’ve hadn’t had a guy next to me at midnight ever since being single? True, but I know it won’t be forever.

Some people have come and gone and I have lived through the best and worst. May still not have a clue about the future and how I will get there.

But I am here still and at peace with myself, and tonight this is all that matters to me.



I got to my apartment as quickly as I could only to find a huge puddle of water in front of my door. The hallways are open, so if heavy rain is delivered with wind, the result will be as such.

I had no choice but to take my broom and brush away as much as I could. I couldn’t believe what was happening. The ‘beach guy’ is on his way and the first view of my residence is a huge concentration of water that almost doesn’t let you enter without wetting your shoes.

When I was done, I was exhausted and sweated, so I got into the shower and washed my hair. I still had about a 1-1/2 before his arrival, so felt I had time to relax and get ready.

I took a rest in my bed and watched some TV, all while this guy kept texting me of his location. He was indeed on his way, but I still felt it was not happening.

But in between all the excitement, I fell asleep. Between the long workweek, stress of driving, the cleaning and pending arrival had gotten the best of me.

I woke up suddenly and it was almost 9pm. I still needed to dry my hair and decide what I was to wear. I knew going out maybe wouldn’t happen, but what I wear is important to me.

And just when I was trying to do both things (surprise!), I get a call from the front gate that he had arrived. I ran to my closet and quickly chose a dress (don’t know which one).

I opened my balcony door and signaled him where to park while talking to him on the phone. Whoa, that’s some nice car he’s driving. It had a very sporty design (which reminded me of the ‘original’), but felt too gaudy for me.

He got off the car and my heart beat faster. It was one of those moments you thought over many times how you would react when it happened, but you forgot how to when reality hit.

I looked at him on his way to the entrance to my building and thought, ‘damn, he looks old and he has a belly’. Even more, he had lost quite a lot of hair and was wearing flip flops (what, you invested so much on your car you can’t afford a descent pair of shoes?).

But that’s me; everything I wear has to coordinate or have a reason to be worn. For him, he’s still stuck with the laid back mood of the beach.

“Hey, you made it,” said I. “Take the stairs below to the second floor.” This is all I could say. I had no makeup and my hair was not blow-dried. My dress and shoes were fine, but perhaps not the best for this ‘20+ years to happen’ moment.

Ah, who cares? Why do I have to be so exact?



The holidays continued and my time got invested on work and coming to terms that the year was quickly about to end.

It had been a difficult and disappointing 12 months. Like previous years, I try to end and start each one with the best face possible.

I try to present to others that I am fine and I’m doing my best to keep going forward with my life. But my reality is way different.

I can’t stop thinking that it has been quite a few years since I became single and feel I’m still stuck on the same place. Both my professional and love life has not improved, and in spite of the efforts to change them, it just doesn’t happen.

If I can summarize it in one word, it would be ‘frustrating’, like the way the ‘beach guy’ makes me feel.

And talking about frustration, I got a reply to one of my messages, which I don’t recalled what I was writing about.

‘My life is not my own. I try not to be next to my phone at all times’.

What the heck are you talking about? You are responsible for your life and that of others. If you’re putting yourself second, maybe, but it doesn’t sound like you.

I know he’s no longer that teenager I once knew. But you don’t get to where he is, personally and professionally, without having a certain level of selfishness.

I’m not talking about a negative attitude or behavior, but how you will manage to get to your goals.

And that thing that you try to be away from your phone, who does that nowadays? Besides, you’re a doctor and I’m sure you’re always ‘on call’; so being unavailable is not an option.

You probably are to everyone except me, which is no surprise, because that’s how guys have pretty much behaved with me.

Oh, boy. Why are the things I wished could be gifted to me can’t be placed in a box?



{December 9, 2013}   Looking Back 23 – Not happening

We got back very late and, although I was very tired, I couldn’t really fall asleep. I was still hoping that ‘the beach guy’ would call when I know it wouldn’t happen.

Besides, as much interest or availability he might had, I couldn’t expect him to make the 2-hour drive in such late hours of the night. So, I put him off my mind and managed to get some rest.

I think I was even more tired the next morning. It was the last day of my vacation and wanted to enjoy as much as I could before making the long drive home.

My high school friend and I were able to do one last thing before leaving late in the afternoon. Before reaching my apartment, I suggested having an early dinner on a restaurant I thought he would like.

He did very much and thanked me for it. Me, on the other hand, checked my phone from time to time. No missed calls.

By the time I got home I was more than exhausted from the trip. It had been a great one, but the emotional part really hit me hard.

I kept telling myself how good of an experience this was and the fact I couldn’t have one detail of it wasn’t a reason to let it ruin my long weekend.

So I did what I thought I should do; I kept myself busy the rest of the night, and put aside any negative thoughts that may question my efforts and outcomes of my attempts in having a relationship with a guy.

The results of this challenge had been that ‘it just didn’t happen’, and it’s up to the other person to take the next step if they want anything with me.

In other words, if nothing happens, that’s it, nothing else left to expect. End of story.



A few months went by and the communication continued either by emails or text messages.

A long weekend was coming up about a month and a half away and was planning a road trip with a guy friend of mine from high school to a location not that close to him, but way closer to where I currently live.

So I wrote him an email that read like this: ‘Don’t know what you will be doing for the long weekend, but I’m going to be upstate with a friend. I’m saying this so you don’t complain to me later that you wished I would have told you.’

He replied a few days later that he didn’t know what his plans were since basically they were governed if he had his kids or not for that week. He also mentioned that the distance between his location and mine was about a 2-hour drive, so when and where we could meet were other logistics to define.

Definition: ‘I’m so busy there’s no way I can move things around and make it happen.’ I knew this was the answer he would give me. No surprise here yet again.

He asked me where I would be staying. I said at my friend’s family home. I took the opportunity to even mention that my friend has been that since my early teens and he lived in another state. I said this because I knew he would question my relationship and didn’t want to ruin the only chance of maybe meeting.

Whichever way I explained it, it was going to be an awkward situation. My school friend has known me forever and has been at my side through all my good and bad moments.

After learning of how the ‘beach guy’ has been behaving, he felt I was having hope on something that would never happen. He knew how badly hurt I’ve gotten in the past and didn’t want me to go through that again.

Then there’s the beach guy. As much as I tell him ‘we’re just friends’, I know he won’t believe that. If I was he, I would really thought it over about driving 2 hours and seeing me with another guy.

Also, where would he sleep if he decided to stay for the night, in the couch?

No definite plans have been decided and my anxiety level is already going overboard.

What is it about me that, no matter what I do, I always have some sort of complicated matter with a guy (or guys)?

Comments? Universe? Any one?



Among the many other discoveries that Johann and I had during our emails, I learned that, when I was married, he and I were in locations separated by a 4-hour drive.

Unfortunately, this was the time before mobiles and social media, so knowing about each other’s existence would have never happened.

I was already living in the US and he was stationed briefly in an area known as ‘Mile Marker 0’.

Question is: Had we known about this, would had there been an attempt to meet?

I’m sure that would have crossed our minds, but the circumstances wouldn’t have allowed it.

For starters, accessing his location is not easy. Not even meeting halfway or looking for an alternative to do so would have worked.

Then there was the fact we were tied to another person. Mine always resented my male friends, even if they had been part of my life way before the marriage occurred, even if they were just that, best friends, because he felt threatened.
My ‘x’ eventually asked me indirectly to part ways with them, so seeing Johann would have caused an even greater resentment from my ‘x’ towards me.

If I had made it to where Johann was, it would have been an awkward situation, as word of my presence would have surely reached his wife.

The conclusion is that it didn’t happen because it was best not to, so the universe took care of it. It would have been heartbreaking for both not seeing each other.

But, it did intervene when it was meant to be. I am now free to mingle with whatever guy I want and even got all my friends back because they were the ones who really loved me.

And Johann never forgot about me (me neither) and found a new way to reconnect with me that fits everyone.

We may be again separated at a long distance, but we’re close again and that’s good enough for me.



The next morning Alex woke up and had a face he had not rested that well. He didn’t mention anything from the night before. We just stayed in bed for a while and talked about pretty much anything else.

We had breakfast afterwards, and later went out to enjoy the day. Again, nothing from what happened was discussed.

When it started to get late in the afternoon, I thought it was time for me to go home. I didn’t know if Alex was going to ask me to stay again with him for the night (probably not).

He accompanied me home separately in his vehicle. After I parked, I went over to his and asked him if he wanted to come up home.

I noticed his face was again like that of his pictures I saw on the dating site. He wasn’t that much smiling. It was a combination between sadness, frustration and lost as in that he knew it would never happen (us being together).

He agreed to come up (don’t know why). He sat on my sofa with a very serious face. I started getting very nervous, so I asked him what was wrong. He then dropped the bomb, yet again. But, I think this one was bigger than the first one (“I will only go to the trip as your boyfriend.”).

“Why are you with me?” asked he.

“What??? Why are you asking me this?” (Yeah, why am I with him?)

“Well, we have different feelings towards each other and you don’t want to take this a step further.” (Now I’m the one the problem, right.)

“I told you when we first started communicating that I was not doing this for the fun of it or play games with others. I may don’t feel the same way that you do, but I’m not going to get into a situation that is not what I want. It’s unfair to you and especially myself.”

“I think you are with me because you don’t want to be alone.”

Now I was starting to get upset. “Listen, I’ve been alone for a long time, even before my ‘x’ left me. And, that’s kind of rude of you to say when you have your kids and some family here. I don’t have anybody close except my girlfriends.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

“You know what? I don’t have an answer for you. But I will prove it to you that I’m not with you because I’m alone. How? I will step out of your life.”



“Hey, what’s up?” asked I to Ivan.

“Working, working. It’s non-stop,” said he in his usual exhausted tone of voice.

“Whatever…Hey I get it. You don’t have space in your life for me or I’m not the one for you. I’ll be fine. You’re not the first guy that has been in my life and disappeared for some reason. Online dating or not, it had the same result.”

I started talking too much and my emotions came afloat, and almost started crying while talking to him. This is exactly what I did not want to happen.

“Emma, I hear you. I’ve been in your shoes too. But you know it is not that I have no interest in you. It’s my job. I promise I will make an effort to call you.”

You promise? Yeah, right! I nodded my head side to side and sighed in frustration because I knew it was not going to happen.

“If you say so,” I concluded.

And as usual, the conversation didn’t last very long. There was a dinner being held at his employer’s residence and he was in charge of the whole event. Meaning, this day was to end very late into the night, like so many others for him.

The phone call ended and I was very sad. I had a feeling this was the last time we would speak on the phone, and probably the end of whatever we shared.

Should I give him a last chance to prove himself wrong?

Between you and me, no, I don’t think he will.



et cetera