The New M.E. Generation

I hear from him again close to 10pm that night.

Him: “Crap. They released the cars while we were having dinner. Wished I knew. The family was done for the day using them, so they said they weren’t needed anymore until tomorrow. So I’m stuck here. Don’t know how you feel coming here though.”

Me: “I don’t like driving at night, especially because of the time and distance to there. My vision is not that great in the evening either, plus don’t want to drive on my own this late.” (And know I can uber, but not paying for it, unless you offer though.)

Him: “I understand.”

I reiterated again that he should just get here and go for a drink. Otherwise, the weekend was looking like seeing each other would not be.

It had been a long day and he was tired, so the texting ended with ‘let’s see what happens tomorrow’.

When I was sort of ready to go to bed myself later on, the last thing that could have happened, happened: he called me. I was so in shock of seeing his image in my phone’s screen, that I didn’t know initially what method he was using to contact me.

Me: “This is a first! ¿A qué se debe el honor?” (to what do I owe this honor?). Don’t recall what he replied to that.

Him: “So tell me something, how is it possible that such a beautiful, sexy woman like yourself doesn’t have a boyfriend?”

Me: “There’s many reasons for that. I haven’t been emotionally ready. And the majority of guys I’ve met are not worth it.

When my parents got divorced, there wasn’t a strong male figure in my life except my friend that I used to visit up north (see The Ex-Friend story). My dad was present, but he had his own emotional limitations as a parent. And my sibling didn’t became the older brother figure that I needed. So I didn’t have that guidance about men, which has cost me dearly in so many ways.

My relationships with the primary men in my life, or the lack of thereof, including my ex, have been rocky.

And I didn’t felt loved by those closest to me. I was always trying to fulfill their expectations about me, with the hope they would provide the affection and attention I needed.

But when you live life for others, you’re lost. You have no sense of identity, self-esteem, or idea what one should be. You’re just there, existing day by day, with no certain path.

So this situation of being on my own, figuring things out by myself, not having a man with me, has been the norm since an early age.

This sense of abandonment that I have hasn’t quite gone all the way. Adding insult to injury, my ex turned his back on me. He left me way before he walked out the door.

I could say that the closest to a relationship with a man was one that I had shortly after my divorce. (Note: I haven’t talked about this person before.) He has all the qualities I am looking for in a partner. But after trying to make this work many times, we realized that as much as we loved and respect one another, resolved all our personal issues, the planets aligned perfectly, we are different in ways (culture, upbringing, faith) that will never allow it to happen.

That’s the story of my life: I met the one, but he’s not the one for me.”

et cetera