The New M.E. Generation











I somehow managed to finally fall asleep. The weather was cooler than normal, so it was nice to be in bed resting.

I didn’t immediately get out of bed upon waking up. I knew well what had evolved the previous night: he wanted to drive all the way over here and show up (not exactly unannounced); better yet, surprise me on Valentine’s weekend.

You’re probably thinking why I didn’t go for it when I keep saying that I should get exposed to these type of situations.

As stupid as it may seem, I wasn’t up for it last night. Blame it on my comfy bed, me being tired, or perhaps that I had washed my hair and didn’t want to get it messed up.

It just gets to the point that if you know nothing else will evolve here, why put your time and emotions into it?

I know I could just do it for the fun of it and later remember the incident as one that made this particular weekend unique.

But as weird as this may sound, perhaps the real reason is that I unconsciously felt this would be a grown-up version of what happened during high school.

The memories are limited, but between what I’ve learned from his stories and the little I remember, the scenario is just the same: he’s into me, but not enough or interested to taking it further.

That I could have had a jolly, good time (and maybe more) is true. But at this point in my life, I’ve learned to do that with my girlfriends, but most importantly, on my own, without the need of having a guy next to me.

And then, at exactly 10:10am, the beach guy resurfaced.

‘Good morning. You know I would have driven there for the day,’ text he.

‘But you’re with your daughter.’

‘She’s 17 and her 18-year-old brother is here. They will be fine overnight or for the day. I could have even left late last night, but you were so stubborn about your address. I guess you didn’t get the hint.’

‘I fell asleep. And thought you couldn’t leave your kids home alone.’

‘The little one is out of state and the two I have with me are old enough to be alone.

‘You can still come here. I have off tomorrow.’

‘I have to work tomorrow and I’m not driving there just to be with you for a couple of hours.’

See what I mean? It felt just like the good old days. He would spend a few hours with me at the beach and off he went. The day would have evolved the same, minus the location.

I was sort of still questioning myself about my indifference, but not any more. You realize what I did? I rejected him!!

Wow! And maybe for the first time, the sand blew up to him and hit him hard on the face. Nice!

This is definitely one memory I’m surely not forgetting.

Advertisements


{October 14, 2013}   Looking Back 15 – Kiss and tell

‘If you ever feel like talking, I’m here for you,’ wrote I.

‘I’m done dealing with my current relationship. I rather talk with you about the old days. I remember you being an awesome kisser,’ said he.

‘An awesome kisser?’ I do remember that one time when he took me for the ride on his car. But saying that I was ‘awesome’ is a major word.

‘Thanks for the complement, but I have a vague memory about that. My memories of you and I interacting are at the beach and at a distance in school,’ continued I.

‘You don’t remember a lot do you?’ asked he. ‘You and I go way back. Actually, I looked forward to seeing you in school.’

‘Maybe you and I had something going on since being teenagers, but we really didn’t have anything together. I don’t even know how to define it.’

I kept thinking about the kissing and what really happened between us. If it was that great, why didn’t it continue or he kept some sort of contact after graduating? It’s a mystery I still haven’t figured out.

I continued writing, giving all details that I had about that infamous car ride. While at it, I questioned myself why I was doing this and if he would care at all about what I had to say.

‘I remember that very well. I like chatting with you.’

‘Like I said; if you ever want to talk, let me know. Better yet, let’s have a talk over a drink, that is, if we ever get to see each other again.’

‘Thanks; you’re very sweet. Of course we’ll see each other. Don’t know when because of the distance and all the things going with work, kids, etc.’

Here we go again. Why is that all guys I meet are complicated? When am I ever getting a break?



I kept trying to locate him online, but continued to have no luck. I even enlisted the help of someone who had lived in his country, with the hopes that she could do a better search than me.

This person even traveled there for the holidays one year and I felt compelled to ask her if she could try to locate Johann.

But with the possibility that he was still married and I not knowing how he would react that me, via a total stranger, was looking for him, I thought it was best not to.

Although I told her about my connection with him, it was also a lot to ask for her to do, especially on vacation.

So when even her help didn’t work either, I decided to desist from it. I took it as a sign that maybe he wasn’t into me finding him and life was simply protecting me from getting hurt. It did anyway.

Many months went by and I was busy at something when he came to my mind. I was perplexed that I was so concentrated on what I was doing and this happened.

I had to stop all together and questioned myself, ‘what’s going on?’ I even felt confused and couldn’t find an explanation to what I was experiencing.

A few days later I was checking my emails in my profile when I received one that read, ‘are you Emma, the one who lived at this address?’

It was he! I saw his picture and knew it was he right away. He looked exactly as I remembered him.

All my memories passed through my mind in an instant. It was as if time had stood still.



I’ve pretty much managed to archive all these guys that I gave closure to. But it’s inevitable that something triggers thinking about them from time to time.

Take for example, Erik. Every time I come across something related to Sweden, he comes to mind. It got to a point that I really questioned myself, whatever happened to him after I last saw him?

I decided to give him a ‘second rest’ and try to communicate with him one last time. I wasn’t looking to get anything out of it, just to say ‘hello’ and wish him well.

I did a search and found him on a networking site and luckily was able to send him a message, which read something like, ‘hey, how are you? I saw something on TV about your home country, so I thought about you. I’m doing fine and I’m sure you’re too. If you ever want to talk, let me know and will get in touch.’

All right, done. I’m sure this is definitely the last time so I’m glad I did this.

But…he did answer back, about three weeks later. Now that’s a turnaround of events!

He opened his email pretty much like mine, but he was relocating to Asia at the end of the month. He also gave me his number and said to call him whenever I wanted.

Wow, moving and quite far (for me)! Well, he’s European and made it all the way over here so he should be fine.

I was glad he answered, but deeply envied him. There are days when I wished exactly that, getting out of here and go somewhere really far. I almost felt like saying, ‘can you take me with you?’

Unfortunately, I’m stuck here for now and all I can do is wish and work for something better.

So, then, am I going to call him? The question is, do I want or really need to even though I was the one suggesting it? No, not really. I’ll just reply.

“I’m very happy for you. I wish you all the best and I know you will excel. Let’s try to keep in touch from time to time. Regards.”

That felt really good.

Now, what’s next?



I was still analyzing his question and couldn’t think for an answer. Why is that? Is it because I’m angry with him or it’s just that I’ve had it with questioning myself over this?

“Hmm,” said I, “I want to be with somebody. I’m not asking for much.”

“I don’t think you’re ready for that,” said he.

Say what? Oh no, here we go again with him telling me what I’m apparently feeling when he doesn’t have the full scope of my life then and now.

I was upset with him like before, but didn’t want to loose control of myself and say or do something I would later regret.

“Sorry, but I don’t agree with you. I’ve been alone for quite a while and even have spent some time on my own on purpose to review my whole life in general. I feel I am ready to give a new relationship a try.”

I didn’t want to concentrate all the conversation on me, so I switched to his last relationship. He had told me over the phone it lasted over a year, but ended because she wanted to have a child and he didn’t want any more of his own.

“What about you?” asked I, “You said your relationship ended because of the baby situation.”

“Yes,” said he, “but we loved each other.”

“But she wasn’t really into you in the long run. You were a means to an end, more of a sperm donor if you asked me. Have you stayed with her or not, or she ends up with another guy, once she gets what she wants, she doesn’t need that person any more and will leave him. That’s not love. That’s being selfish.”

I don’t remember how the conversation ‘calmed down’ afterwards, but another element came into play.

Is that rain?



Most of the people in Dina’s group started leaving before the band finished playing their last set. Dina and I were basically the only ones remaining to leave.

I wanted to go home at the same time that she would, so we would accompany one another to our cars. But Jesse asked me to stay and offered to walk me. The other guy accompanied Dina to her vehicle.

I was hesitant of doing that, staying, and placing myself in a situation I knew I was later to regret. But he insisted in such a way with his many ‘please’ that I felt I would have looked bad from my behalf to say ‘no.’

So when the band ended playing and the bar announced ‘last call,’ it was time for me to make it for the night.

I was about to ask Jesse to walk me to my car when he asked me for my number. (Here we go again…)

“You know, I am a very private person. How about if you give me yours?” (What the heck was I trying to say here??)

“Where I come from, that means you will never call me,” said he.

“And where I come from (a.k.a., my own little world in which I gravitate around), it can mean a lot of things (like me finally taking control of this type of situations). I give you my word I will.”

I handed him my phone and he entered his number. I knew he wasn’t happy, but I was. I simply wanted to do what I felt was the right thing to do.

I finally got to my car and said good-bye to Jesse. I even hugged him and thanked him for the good time I had with him. But I knew he didn’t want me to leave.

I can’t deny I felt bad. Why does it always has to be this way, that one person falls hard for another and that other one doesn’t feel the same way?

I was questioning myself if I had made the right decision of not providing ‘too much info,’ but I had to be mature and stand by on the decisions I had made.

So I finally got into my car and left.

This has been quite a night. I have to call Madelyn and tell her about it. I need her review on my moment with Jesse.

And speaking of him, will I really call him? I’ll make that decision after Madelyn ‘puts me on the stand.’



et cetera