The New M.E. Generation











The second half of my workday was hectic. A project came in that kept me busy until at least 7:30 p.m. I had the day off the next day, so I had to finish it.

I got home exhausted, ate something and went to sleep earlier than usual. I really needed a rest and wished there had been someone at home to greet me, share dinner with and helped me feel better after the day I had.

These were the days I missed not having a boyfriend, but I didn’t miss this one in particular. He was, of course, very far off of what I wanted in a man, so much that I didn’t even thought about him all night.

I woke up rested and took care of errands, did laundry, cooked, etc. I know it was Friday, but I just needed to have a stress-free day, putting my attention away from the day I had before.

All was calm around 7 p.m. when I get a text from him that read, ‘come over so we can be together’. Again, nothing of a greeting, asking how I am or even if I ‘would like’ to spend some time with him. The feeling that I was now having was one when you have food on your mouth that tastes so bad you want to spit it out.

Two things came to mind: pet dog and call girl. And they have things in common. Both are sitting around for you to come home or contact you, and react immediately when the fingers get snapped at them, without thinking about it.

And that’s how it has been with him, and other guys, that have crossed my life, to which I had allowed to happen. Whenever I reach out to them, either they don’t respond or do so many days later.

But if they contact me, I respond rather quickly. I don’t think I’ve ever not replied to anyone. If I don’t, it would mean something big has happened to me or had a legitimate reason.

I got upset and felt like a second-class person. But this was nothing new. I’ve never felt good with him. So I asked myself why have I allowed myself to feel this way over and over for so long, when it’s clear his way of being is unhealthy for me?

I know he could be ‘someone that I know’ or label him in some other way like, ‘a guy I went to school with’. Because, honestly, having he as a friend is something that has never happened. He may have been at times a ‘sympathetic ear’, but ultimately he has been him and all about him.

I held my mobile and decided I would not reply. I put it down and walked away.

A short while later he text again, ‘No response?’ I smiled sarcastically; interesting how people react when you change your behavior or ignore them completely.

Knowing if I turned down his invitation would get me ‘the guy speech’, i.e., he will turn the situation around to make it look as I’m the unhappy person who prefers to be alone than have fun, I replied another way.

‘I’m just done with my hectic day and I’m going home,’ said I. It was short and to the point as he does.

‘That sucks,’ said he.

And that was it. No ‘I wished could make you feel better in some way’ or anything else. But why should I be surprised? I should be the one surprising him by snapping my fingers at him and say, ‘walk away.’

And I need to ‘snap out of this’ and instead of acting like the girl that everyone expects of me, show everyone the woman I have become. Snap!

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All right, I have written more than what I should have, but it just happened that all these thoughts came to mind and I just needed to write them down.

It was a feeling of having a mental clutter that finally got cleaned out. I know it was more of an emotional thing, but truly both went together. It was an organized chaos that has been building up these past few years that had to be released.

It’s almost like those moments when people release those small hot air balloons when they finally let go and set themselves free.

I think he replied to me about 2 days later in the same fashion as he has done for some time: He uses his cell phone, writes late in the evening (probably so not to be seen), with some sentences that have a few typos for being written fast.

“Hey, I didn’t mean that our friendship would be over, just that I would stay for a while so things can level out for me. My intentions are to be your friend and to stay that way. I care about you and am always wishing good things for you,” said he.

“Like I said to you,” replied I, “if I don’t make the effort here, nothing will happen. So after this message is sent and I don’t hear from you, I will consider it as the end of anything and everything. You’re welcome to write to me, but not expecting it. I’m not really into this ‘I want you, but don’t want you’ deal. Either you do or you don’t. I don’t hate you and have no regrets, but this is as far as I will go. Like you’re doing I should do as well, move on.”

As I was writing these last words, I was torn between anger and sadness. Anger because I’ve kept holding on to guys, distancing me from them promising myself not to contact them, let some time pass by, start missing them, then deciding to reach out to them for whatever reason, to finally find myself rejected and disappointed over and over.

Sadness because he becomes another guy in my life whose come and gone, never to be heard for some time, if ever. I feel heartbroken mostly because what I felt for him was unique from all others and you never know if you’ll be able to shake it all off.

Then there’s the part of the “ifs”, especially if we had ended up together. I know the answer to this, but every so often I just have to remind myself, no, it wasn’t meant to happen. Why was that it’s beyond anyone’s control. Still, sometimes I just wished a try were given.

Since my last email I haven’t heard from him. For the first time I haven’t felt guilty of what I’ve said, nor contacted him to give it another try of making things better (for me).

I’m quite at peace at the whole experience and maybe now I can leave it behind me.

What if he reaches out to me? I will hear what he has to say and then I will say what I need to say. Then I will probably keep doing what I’m doing as if nothing has happened.

I will probably get sad, maybe cry, and will want for some feelings to come back, but, no, I have to move ahead.

I will wish him the best now and later, and in the quietness of my life I will secretly thank him for coming back to my life because without him, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.



This is what basically has been happening. Every so often I write him an email when I get reminded of him because I hear his first name.

The subject line always reads like, ‘Can I get you off my mind?’ or ‘You became present again’.

The content of the mail describes the incident of how I remembered him, that all I want is to really forget him, and don’t understand why the universe is playing games with me on this.

He sometimes replies that he’s sort of a force that refuses to go away from my life and it‘s interesting how his presence is remembered.

He always mentions that he’s my friend and he hopes our friendship continues, and that life will gift me with a worthy relationship.

Other times he doesn’t reply at all. Maybe it’s an overkill that I write about the same thing every time. Most probably is that he’s telling me nicely that we need to move on.

If you look at the replies closely, he never talks about us. It’s about me thinking about him, and he finding an explanation of why they occur.

He replies because he has to, especially to back-up his friendship argument. But it’s clear I’ve been stretching this situation for far too long.

The same goes for his social media profile. I was devastated when he closed it. I thought it all had to do with me.

It was months later when he reactivated it. I felt as if I had reconnected with him. But then, instead of me ‘staying away’, I continued writing posts in his profile.

I recently got a request from his daughter. I got nervous because I felt exposed as if the world knew who I was.

I told him about it, and his wife and daughter were questioning him who I was. He told them that I was and old college girlfriend.

Regardless of what the truth is or not, I created a huge problem for him and it’s not going away unless a change is made.

So what did I do? Of course I declined the request and stood back for a while. But as soon as I go online and read his posts, I get the impulse of writing something.

Sadly, all that I’m doing is looking for some acknowledgement from him that he still thinks about me.

I’m surprised he hasn’t cut me off all together. Whatever the reason for him doing that, both the universe and him are sending out this message from afar of what I should do.

And if I’m always reaching out to the outer limits for guidance and advice, why am I ignoring the huge, visible crater that’s in front of me?



I’ve been doing something for some time that I shouldn’t be, and it has been reaching out to this former college love interest when I know well I shouldn’t be.

Every so often I send him an email, especially when I’m sad, have a guy issue, or just simply want to have someone to listen to me on whatever matter is causing me to feel upset towards life in general.

The real sad part about this is that if he replies, he usually does it from his phone, using incorrect grammar because he’s obviously writing in a rush.

He always apologizes for doing it quickly because there’s always something going on in his life (meaning his family) and time is limited.

The end part of the message always has the same tone; he repeats that he’s my friend and hopes we continue to be, wishes me good things, and that all works out for me.

The last entry means that I find a guy that appreciates who I am and that finally stays with me for the long haul.

This may all sound great, but it hasn’t fulfilled the emotional need that still clings me to him. As much as I was trying to forget him all together, something always reminds me of him, especially when I hear his first name.

It is so ridiculous, I raise my head up looking for him as if he was to magically appear.

The other thing I do is check my emails constantly after I send him one, waiting for his reply. I can read it loud and clear, but don’t want to read between the lines.

It translates that he’s doing it because he feels sorry for me. He always wishes me well and that I find the guy deserving for me because he tries to make me feel better towards the lousy situation I’m going through.

It’s like getting a second place prize. I know what his situation is, but I get disappointed that he doesn’t respond that way I want to. I want him to tell that somewhere within him he still feels something for me.

I’m behaving like a juvenile, hoping the universe will play its part to turn things around the way I wished for.

What’s wrong with me? After all these years and what I’ve gone through, I should have learned my lesson already.

Yes, we may still communicate via email, he re-opened his profile on social media and I became his friend again.

But his wife and daughter are seeing what I post (again, why am I doing it when I know it?) and I’m exposed to all other people within their list.

I may be single and available to do whatever I want, but I’m stretching it so far that I’m making a fool of myself.

Actually, I’m probably pushing to be considered something unpleasant, like a bitch and idiot who has no clue that my behavior is totally unacceptable.

Definitely not a nice picture to put yourself into.



It had been a few weeks since I last contacted Ivan. I didn’t make the effort of doing so, as I felt that he needed to deal with the situation on his own. Besides, if he ever wanted to reach out to me, he knew where to find me.

Instead, I turned my attention to Dina. We haven’t been seen each other for a while, so I suggested meeting one Sunday afternoon at an antique market.

She loved the idea and off we went. While looking at all the store windows and kiosks of vendors selling pretty much anything, she and I had the chance to catch up with our lives, whatever there was to it.

Ironically, we pretty much shared the same feelings and concerns for life ahead, and it was refreshing to me that at least someone was on the same page as me.

And, as we walked down the market, who else came out of a store? The one and only; Ivan. Another guy and a woman accompanied him.

To my surprise, he looked pretty good. And, best of all, I had no negative reaction towards the woman. It didn’t even cross my mind if she was the ex or what relationship she had with him.

“Hey, how are you?” said I happily while giving him a one-arm hug. I also introduced Dina to all of them.

His entourage was a family member (the guy) and a friend (the woman). The guy was in town visiting and she tagged along for the day.

After all the exchange of brief words, I said good-bye to everyone and left. I didn’t utter any words in the line of ‘give me a call sometime’ or else.

Once we were away at a good distance, Dina promptly asked, “who is that guy from all those you have told me about, if you have? He’s cute!”

I summarized it as brief as I could. “Basically, he started dating someone else, had a relationship with her, and she ended up cheating on him. Well, that’s what he told me.”

“Seriously? Wow, can’t believe it,” said she. She was shaking her head in disbelief. Then she dropped the bomb (sort of). “Have you ever wondered what your life had been if the two of you had ended up together?”

That question stopped me on my tracks, literally. I stopped walking and looked up analyzing what she said. “No, I really haven’t. Looking back I can only think that if he chose not to is because…I don’t know.

I would have liked to, but I’m not sure if it was the right time, period.”

“If he came back, would you give him a chance?”

“No!! After you get cheated on, you need to take some time off, and it’s never good to be involved with someone who’s on the rebound.”

“Well, maybe that’s what happened to you before. He saw it was not in you yet to be in a relationship.”

So I guess that’s it; that’s what happened. It was all so clear now.

It was a huge sense of relief, and this encounter was no accident. I needed to be there with Dina, facing this moment to finally put Ivan to rest.

And, just like that, I kept walking ahead, never looking back (not even to check if Ivan was behind me), looking forward to whatever might come next.



Jeff and I kept communicating on and off for some time. We would talk on the phone or have extended conversations at my place.

With time, he started opening up to me. I got to understand why he was the why he was. He had experienced life on the edge; lived situations that were beyond his biological age.

They were ones that I can never imagine getting myself into, or know how I’ve would have handled them during the time that they occurred to him or if they would to me in the future.

But, the more he shared things, the more I grew to respect him.

I also felt sorry for him. A few times he got really emotional and that broke my heart. Although he had recovered from those bad moments, he was still deeply scarred and there was a pain within him that seemed to refuse to go away.

There were times when I wanted to reach out to him but couldn’t. In a certain manner I had lived a life much like his.

My marriage did not turn out as I hoped it would have, and many situations left me feeling that I also had lived way beyond my years.

I was deeply scarred as well, and my emotional pain was so bad it almost made me ‘emotionally challenged.’ It was so deep that I had lost some sense of empathy towards others.

But I did care about him and told him many times. But him, like me, had a hard time believing this from others.

Being hurt and in pain had become part of our lives. It had become second nature.

And what was this cougar playing in all this? I will say this: what we both lived made each other ageless. There wasn’t an age difference here.

But with his uncertain look at life, the cougar simply let him know that ‘hey, I’m still here. I’ve lived through it all and, although I’m down now, I will make it back to the top somehow.

You have lived enough to be practically my age. But if I survived it and still have a positive outlook for the future, so should you.’

Like I said, I did care about him. Hopefully I’m drilling some sense into him.



et cetera