The New M.E. Generation











So no matter how we do it, our cars meeting on the way to work is still not happening.

Even if we both leave at the same time from our homes, the initial paths to get to the main road are different. That’s why the chances of ‘bumping into each other’ are zero to none.

If he’s on time, I’m delayed, and vice versa. One time I text him, ‘we need to get a drone’.

Since a mention about meeting in person hasn’t occurred yet, I thought maybe the unsuccessful chases would make that happen without me having to say it. Like I said before, if he’s interested, let it be him that does the effort.

Me: “I mean, how else are we going to manage seeing each other in the morning?” (referring to the aircraft).

Him: “Well, we need to see each other somewhere else, since this traffic thing is too hit-or-miss. Mostly miss, lol.”

Me: “Yeah, like FaceTime” (which I call the ‘half and half’; part visual, part phone call in not exactly the real world).

Him: “I was thinking maybe meet for coffee, lunch, or happy hour.”

Me: “Thought the same, except I didn’t want to come across as pushy.”

Him: “Not at all, I like and respect women who take the lead.”

Wow, how about that? I don’t recall any guy saying this about females per se.

Me: “Most guys are not like that from experience. Being said that, I would like to get together with you in person. Don’t know how your schedule is or what would be fine with you to do.”

By the time I sent this text we had both gotten to work, so I left it as that for that day.

The following one, the morning usual.

Him: “Morning! At the train station light lol.”

Me: “I’m way back in it.”

Him: “Did you get out?”

Me: “No. Now second in line.”

Him: “Shoot. Well, I do have to stop for gas. Going to station past 40th.”

Me: “Maybe I’ll see you.”

Him: “Hope so!”

This time I took my commute into high gear, passing all cars and advancing as much as I could. At least him being ahead of me and making a stop was providing a small window of opportunity.

The location is almost immediately after an intersection. A few seconds after the light turned green, I see the ‘Led Zep1’ entering the station right, then making a left turn to position it in an empty spot.

I quickly stopped my car next to the second entrance when I see his vehicle facing towards me. I waved ‘hi’ to him. I almost got into the station, but I knew I would be late for work if I did, and had cars behind me honking to move, so I kept going.

Me: “I saw you!”

Him: “Yes! Saw you too lol!”

Me: “Yay!” I took a selfie of me smiling. It was a ‘close, but no cigar’ moment, but good enough for me.

Him: “Too brief. You should have stopped for gas too.”

Me: “Thought that, but my boss is very insisting of people getting to work on time. We should meet this weekend.”

A few emoticons later and after getting to his office, he said, “yes, we should. What’s your schedule this weekend? And it’s too bad for your boss.”

Me: “My schedule is open. You? My boss called upon me twice recently and just don’t want to hear it again. And my colleague is out this week sick, so… Just let me know.”

About two days later I had dinner with one of my BFF’s. I shared with her the story about how I met him and my almost run-in encounter at the gas station.

She did appreciate me doing something ‘out of the box’, but she’s never short of dispensing ‘wake-up’ advice, even when nothing has yet happened.

“You had no business stopping at the gas station,” said she seriously while I looked at her puzzled. I thought she would have told me the other way around.

“You don’t know anything about this guy. How sure are you that he’s single?” continued she. I felt like a child does when a parent is preaching you about the facts of life.

“You can pull this off when you’re in your 20’s. But one has to be careful at our age,” continued she. “I’m not saying not to pursue guys. Just keep your distance for now and let him be the one that makes the move.”

Okay, now what? I’m feeling somewhat deflated. Like I should have kept quiet.

At least LedZep1 said to meet during the weekend. Well, easier texted than done. Guess I’ll put my car on neutral for the time being and wait until it’s time to shift gears again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



After dinner I let my friend drive back. It definitely had been a long, productive day, and never short of drama.

After this weekend, what I believe happened was that on my actual birthday date, I didn’t get a call or message from his, which was strange. He had always been the first for those outside my family.

It got to a point late in the day that I text him, saying, “Hey, you totally forgot my birthday!” After no response, also not the norm, I called him.

“What happened? You totally forgot about me!” said I.

“I was waiting until I was unoccupied so I could talk to you without rushing it,” replied he.

What he meant was that after finishing work, he went straight to church, then home. He took care of his things first and he basically communicated to me that I wasn’t that important any more.

He was definitely getting even weirder by the day, especially when his job was about 2 months away from ending and had nothing lined up next.

The church thing was happening every day, spending to at least 4 hours either praying or meeting with some church group he had become part of. Every time I called him, he wouldn’t answer the call and would quickly reply with a text that read “Church” with an emoticon of two hands together in prayer.

If I were lucky to talk to him late at night, he would say, “I go to church because I have nothing else to do after work.”

Really? He used to take long walks to exercise and we would talk on the phone while at that. Or he would cook himself dinner. He was available to me and we always had something to talk about.

All I was hearing now was, “I’m praying so much on my knees, they’re starting to peel,” or “the only people that I have in this life is God, my mom and you,” or “I know God will lead me into the right path.”

I supported his ‘faithfulness’, but the repetition of actions and words started feeling monotonous, as if he was stuck in a place he really didn’t wanted to move away from.

He needed to find a new job, but wanted to stay with the current employer so not to lose his seniority. Fine, but if that option doesn’t work, you have to have other options, which I don’t think he wasn’t pursuing much.

He going to church made him a person that only socialized with other who shared his mentality, thus isolating himself from the ‘real world’. His attitude that ‘God is on my side’ was becoming arrogant and that ‘the one above’ was he towards others.

He started criticizing my way of being, claiming I didn’t had a man in my life because I hadn’t forgiven my ex and if I disapproved, he would retaliate very nasty. His response towards me was, “pues te veo mal” (things won’t go well with you).

As time progressed, the arguments increased. I kept telling him that my whole life had been about pleasing others or doing what was expected of me, and when I yelled out my frustration, people would say I had an attitude problem and label me a bitch. Others would be happy, but didn’t care I wasn’t. My friend became one of those persons.

And regarding forgiveness, I told him that was my prerogative to do or not, that I did that so many times and my ex was so unappreciated about it that I stopped doing it because he didn’t deserve it.

I was now standing for myself, something my friend had always told me I needed to do, and now he was mad I was applying what he taught me to him.

My friend became bitter and non-negotiable on anything, displaying lots of anger in his nasty voice. You could feel this heavy, negative energy on the phone. He may have been praying plenty, but he was now the embodiment of a true devil.

I think what became the problem was that for the first time in his life, he had lost control. Nothing was happening as he wanted, even if he worked on it. He didn’t have job offers, he never got over his breakup, and I wasn’t doing what he told me to do.

Even with the help of a professional, he now struggled with depression and was still obsessed that his ex had to change.

He was acting towards me like the ‘big brother’ character instead of the older brother figure he had always been. His religious fanatic tactic of spreading fear wasn’t affecting me and he resented that.

He was hiding behind his beliefs and blaming others for his outcome. He may have thought he was set to go when the end of the world happened, but instead it was ‘highway to hell’ with him.

You see my then friend, you forgot that you gave me the wings to fly, and I’m soaring high to my own happy place and more. And I’m at peace with that. About time already.



We went home after eating and I was nervous of what he would think of my apartment. I gave him a 5-minute preview of the complex from the parking lot before going upstairs.

“This is very nice!” said he while looking around the exterior of the building and inside my place. It gave me a sense of relief since his opinion greatly mattered to me.

“Are you nervous about me being here?” asked he.

“Yes, I think it has always been me visiting you in the past. It’s awkward now being single you coming back into my world in the real. I sort of lost sense of how that felt, among other things in my life,” said I.

“I will say that your apartment looks clean and organized; everything is in its place. That’s how I remember you for and I’m glad that you’re still that way,” continued he.

I looked around and wondered why my emotions were not all in the right place. I remembered at the beginning of being single how I cleaned all the time, things had to be done in a certain way, and having people over made me very nervous.

I was just trying to find an order among the chaos of the divorce, finally doing the things my way without any person telling me how or being negatively criticized, and didn’t want to let people into my space for fear they would ‘disorganize’ it again.

Now I wasn’t as strict about the cleaning, but was keeping it up because it was important for my overall wellbeing. I was doing it for myself, not for other people’s approval.

Having people over though is still a test of how I handle others, even though it is just him, someone I’ve know for so long, or so I thought.

I organized my sofa for my friend to sleep at, explained where the water heater would be set on and off, where the spare keys were, etc., since I had to go to work the next day.

He was organizing his things in his suitcase when I excused myself for the night.

“Are you sleeping by yourself?” asked he. I looked at him startled. “Can’t believe you’re not sharing your bed with any one.”

I don’t recall if I said anything, but definitely turned down his offer. I got into my room and locked the door without making noise and made sure it was closed correctly.

He had told me many times before that ‘he and I would make a good team. That we had known each other forever, our parents as well, etc.; that there wouldn’t be a reason why it wouldn’t work out between us.’

But there were plenty of reasons from my end. For starters I had never been physically attracted to him, even less now.

Second, his constant moving because of work isn’t appealing to me and he knew it. I need stability, not following somebody everywhere or having a life determined by him that I have not control of.

Third, I was on my own because I haven’t found the right guy yet to share that small bed I have, and I wanted to do that with someone that I’m in love and in a relationship with. Going for a quickie or one-night stand isn’t for me, as much as one may physically need it. I have to aim for what makes me happy, period.

Lastly, he’s still communicating with that bitch, so it’s not entirely over between them in spite he saying otherwise.

I went to sleep and at times looked at my door. I was wondering if he would try to come to my room, but I trusted he wouldn’t and he didn’t.

Then I started thinking about his proposal. What if I’m still single because he’s the one meant for me? Is this what the universe is trying to tell me and I’m not getting the message?

Actually, I am getting the message and it’s the same one I’ve been receiving as before as it relates to him, which is ‘don’t do it’.

In other words, what I am feeling towards you is: I ain’t feeling it.



During this trip I did pretty much the same as during Spring Break, except that soon I was about to go into the real world and was as lost as ever.

I liked being there with him; I felt protected in his environment and that anything would be possible. I kept looking at this guy and envied how well balanced he seemed and confident that things would turn out the right way.

I always admired that he would give thought to his plans, analyze the options that he had or were available, decide and stick to that until he achieved it. He would do it all calmly and stress free.

I was the opposite. I was anticipating all the obstacles before they hadn’t even occurred. I didn’t know what I was to do next and was already questioning myself how and if I would make it.

He saw how confused I was and suggested taking me to a palm reader that he had visited before.

I was shocked by his revelation as I always felt he didn’t need any outside influences to do anything. He was practically the only one I knew that would turn things around when they were not headed the way they should have.

The other matter to consider was that we attended a catholic school and were taught to follow or trust faith. Anything that didn’t fall under the established parameters weren’t considered correct.

I don’t know how he felt back then about his religious beliefs, but we were both careful on what we believed and trusted.

We shared that our parents had divorced at a young age, meaning we hit reality early on and that as much as you believed in a supreme being or not, there were things beyond your reach that you couldn’t control, because they didn’t had to do with you, but could scar you for life.

That’s probably why I’ve always considered myself spiritual than religious. Or maybe it was that after 12 years of daily classes it overwhelmed me instead of embracing it.

Life as I knew it was one where people would come together for the best reasons to later distance (or separate) for good. It was the effect of wanting to be close to others, but not too much, because you knew one day they could abruptly walk out of your existence with no explanation.

And this is how I’ve dealt with guys all along. I want to be with someone, but always put a wall in between, keeping the necessary proximity, so in case they go, it won’t hurt that much (or so I say).

The only one that had never done that was this guy and I was confident he would never do. It would be decades later to learn how wrong I was, because to keep up the faith, sometimes not even a little prayer works.



et cetera