The New M.E. Generation

This is what basically has been happening. Every so often I write him an email when I get reminded of him because I hear his first name.

The subject line always reads like, ‘Can I get you off my mind?’ or ‘You became present again’.

The content of the mail describes the incident of how I remembered him, that all I want is to really forget him, and don’t understand why the universe is playing games with me on this.

He sometimes replies that he’s sort of a force that refuses to go away from my life and it‘s interesting how his presence is remembered.

He always mentions that he’s my friend and he hopes our friendship continues, and that life will gift me with a worthy relationship.

Other times he doesn’t reply at all. Maybe it’s an overkill that I write about the same thing every time. Most probably is that he’s telling me nicely that we need to move on.

If you look at the replies closely, he never talks about us. It’s about me thinking about him, and he finding an explanation of why they occur.

He replies because he has to, especially to back-up his friendship argument. But it’s clear I’ve been stretching this situation for far too long.

The same goes for his social media profile. I was devastated when he closed it. I thought it all had to do with me.

It was months later when he reactivated it. I felt as if I had reconnected with him. But then, instead of me ‘staying away’, I continued writing posts in his profile.

I recently got a request from his daughter. I got nervous because I felt exposed as if the world knew who I was.

I told him about it, and his wife and daughter were questioning him who I was. He told them that I was and old college girlfriend.

Regardless of what the truth is or not, I created a huge problem for him and it’s not going away unless a change is made.

So what did I do? Of course I declined the request and stood back for a while. But as soon as I go online and read his posts, I get the impulse of writing something.

Sadly, all that I’m doing is looking for some acknowledgement from him that he still thinks about me.

I’m surprised he hasn’t cut me off all together. Whatever the reason for him doing that, both the universe and him are sending out this message from afar of what I should do.

And if I’m always reaching out to the outer limits for guidance and advice, why am I ignoring the huge, visible crater that’s in front of me?

I logged in into the social network and searched for his profile and I quickly found it.

He appeared on his photo with a woman, which caught me by surprise. ‘He’s remarried already?’ I thought to myself. ‘When did this happen? Maybe I’m not all up to date with his whereabouts.’

Turns out he is in a relationship and from the look of his face you could tell he is quite happy with her.

I then reconsidered if it was worth sending him a message. I mean, he’s with someone so there’s no chance there of meeting him personally.

Second, will he remember me?

While analyzing what to do, I started getting nervous. Was it because of what happened at the brunch, or perhaps that I was still clinging to the ‘bigger than life’ image that lingered in my memory?

Yes, there is something related to that. I realized that the problem is that I never really got to know him as a person.

We may have gone out a few times, but I barely recall knowing much about his life, his thinking or even less emotional state.

Because of this, a connection or even a friendship was never established because the foundation for it was never there.

So, again, should I contact him? What are the possible outcomes?

He will not respond to my message because he doesn’t remember me, or he does but is not interested in having contact with me.

He will respond because he does remember me, but is not interested in reconnecting. His reply will be to be courteous and will be something to the extent of, ‘nice to hear from you; wish you good luck, etc.’

Or, he will remember me and will respond with a nice message as in, ‘great to hear from you’, with the possibility of continuing the communication.

Whatever, I’ll just give it a try. What I need to say on the message is, ‘hey, I don’t know if you remember me, but we worked on a TV commercial many years ago. I learned about your divorce and that you’re living in this city. I’m glad that you are in a relationship. Don’t know if it would be possible to speak, but I hope we can contact each other somehow.’

I wrote it as brief as possible and edited it many times before I finally hit the ‘send’ button.

It’s done. The anticipation of what happens next is as bad as waiting for next week’s episode of your favorite show.

Just when I thought all the possible reconnections with guys from the past had occurred, life threw me an unexpected situation.

I was searching something on the Internet related to my hometown and at the end of the article there were links for other related topics.

One of those was of public figures in a variety of fields like politics, the arts, entertainment, media and so on.

Then, out of nowhere, a guy came to mind, and a whole lot of memories.

I clicked on one of the links and, sure enough, there he was. It was not a very extent biography, but I did remember some of the things he had done that were mentioned on it.

Wow, couldn’t believe all he had accomplished, but at the same time, didn’t surprise me either.

I then went a little bit further and searched for him more. I got many hits and started scrolling down the page when a piece of news stopped me cold.

‘After more than 20 years of marriage, the couple got divorced.’

I just couldn’t believe what I was reading. How long ago did this happen? Has it been that many years since I first met him?

I kept reading and got even more surprised when I learned that he is living on the same city as I am and had a profile on the social network.

This feels so surreal! I have to contact him. But wait; will he remember me?

I mean, my lack of memory with the last guys who have contacted me has been embarrassing, and the same could happen here.

How is it possible that I do remember him and not others? Why is that?

I answered the email in the same fashion as I did with the others. I gave a quick summary of my life post-college and divorce, up to the present.

I also mentioned to this guy to pardon me as my memory was very vague and only remembered that we knew each other and dated, but no more than that. I had no idea of how we met or where, and for how long we knew each other.

I ended the email stating that I was interested in continuing the communication, to learn of his current life and, of course, how and why did you find me.

A few days later I did get my response. He basically explained that a former college friend had married a Latina girl and every time he sees her, he always wondered of my whereabouts. Plus, his friend (who also remembered me when I hanged out with the guy at hand) had been asking him for a while, ‘whatever happened to Emma?’

This guy would always reply, ‘I’m sure she’s fine. I bet she’s married with a family living who knows where and forward with her life.’

But the more he got asked, the more curious he became of finding me. He genuinely wanted to contact me, but mainly so his friend would stop annoying him about it.

Interesting enough, this guy had been searching for me in the web and an old alumni handbook, but kept misspelling my last name. It wasn’t until he finally sat down patiently to search in the book that my name was finally found. He then did the same through the web, and there I was.

And, again, it was because of a third person that had motivated someone else to contact me.

Interesting…wonder what he remembers about me from back then, and if it matches with what his friend had said about me.

I hope it’s something other than just, ‘she was hot.’

Just when I thought all connections had been made with guys I used to know or had remembered me for an assortment of reasons back in college, I get, not one, but two emails through two separate social sites from a another guy from school.

I opened them both and one had a picture from years past and the other was more current. I stared at the older one and the person’s name with quite attention. What I felt was a weird, contradictory feeling of knowing and recognizing him, but having not much recollection of events that occurred that related to both of us.

I remembered that we knew each other, we dated or were friends (either or both) and that was it. I believe it was a brief thing, whatever it was, but there was also a feeling of sadness and loss, which origin I had no memory of.

I was truly happy to have been contacted by another former alumni and, once again, became curious to get an update of his current life. But, most important, I wanted to know why he decided to contact me and what were the circumstances that made him do that. And, of course, what the heck I am remembered for.

Sounds like the first connection is getting repeated all over again.

Thank goodness for networking sites, and that he had a name that was not an average one. I did a quick search and, there he was!

I was sure he was to remember me, so I sent him a message, which basically summarized my life in the last few years and our last encounter at the deli so many years ago.

I got a response the next day and kept corresponding the following ones. When we got to the specific of that day, his revelations were quite moving to me.

“I was very happy to see you,” said he, “but when I walked over to meet your ‘x’, it just didn’t feel good.

He gave me a vibe that he thought he was better than others. He didn’t like meeting me; his face said it all. That’s why I didn’t sit down at the table, as he was unwelcoming.

Even more, he completely overshadowed you, and didn’t want you to be your true self.

He didn’t even seem to be ‘real’, more like shallow or perhaps ‘empty’. His eyes didn’t show any life or substance.

I’m sad to hear what happened to you. But I think you are better off having him out of your life.

Seems to me that you have made great strides in your recovery and if there’s still any part of you from those years I used to know you for, I am sure you will come through as yourself again.”

As I was reading this, I only wanted to cry, big time. As I have reconnected with more and more people, especially guys, I could not believe how accurate they were all of ‘that guy.’

Yes, I wanted to cry, not because of the truth, but because it was right there before me throughout so many years and I let it happen.

I let him mistreat me and control me with the same result; he left me anyway.

How did I allow it? Why wasn’t I seeing it? Maybe so much negative occurred that I shut down or blocked it. Maybe I was still hoping some day things would have gotten better, or maybe change. Maybe I was holding on to the impossible.

The problem was he didn’t want to change. Instead, he placed the blame on other people or things so he didn’t have to look at himself, and accept he was the cause of the rupture on the relationship.

That’s why he left so easily, and all occurred the way they did.

I sat there and cried for a while regretting all the wasted years and how much more I hated him every day that passed.

I have no good words for him and wish him the worst in the world.

I’m so excited about ‘third connection.’ His email was brief in the line of ‘remember me from school?’, ‘hope you are doing well,’ and ‘look forward in getting a response from you.’

I replied with a summary of all I remembered from him at school, plus a summary of my life post-college, marriage and singlehood. I also attached a few pictures of me.

He replied, “Sorry about what happened to you. You are the last person I would have thought would end up like you did. At school you were always friendly with everyone with a perky attitude. You smiling in those pictures, is how I remember you to be.”

He’s right. I was always smiling in school no matter what I was going through. And believe me, I had some difficult times there and truly later on as married. But somewhere along the line, I lost that smile that was so unique of me. I lost the drive to live, and everything that I represented.

I looked at the pictures I sent him and some of those college days. My smile now is very close to that back then.

‘Third connection’ was a blessing. It made me realize there’s still some work for me to do to fully get back to my signature smile.

Well, I’m doing that right now, smiling. I guess it’s working.


et cetera