The New M.E. Generation











After this second meltdown, life went back as usual. This guy eventually bought an apartment walking distance from his father’s pharmacy. He eventually landed a full-time with a major airline, but it was the night shift. He wasn’t excited about it, but knew that if he wanted to get anywhere with his career, he had to.

I remember he telling me that he would finish work early morning, had breakfast at the airport cafeteria waiting for traffic to calm down, drive home, close the curtains and sleep all day. Days off were for running errands.

If I wanted to talk to him, would leave a message at home. His work was on the ground with airplanes, so calling him wasn’t an option. And as my studies, work and relationship continued, the less we talked, but we handled it the best possible.

A year later of being with my then ‘x’, we got engaged. I truly don’t remember how I told this guy or his reaction. Of all moments shared this is a blank space.

Fast forward 5 months to my wedding and this guy still hadn’t confirmed his attendance. I think he never did or bought me a gift.

Maybe he wasn’t happy for my marriage because he knew he had lost me as a possible companion. All I remember is that he showed up late to the reception when it was almost over.

I hugged him and was happy that he saw me in my wedding dress and in this new stage in my life. But now looking back, he didn’t look as excited as I was. He congratulated me in a serious tone, we talked for a few and I think that was it.

Now thinking about this, it was disappointing that he couldn’t get his things in order to attend this event. I know he worked, but how much effort does it take to have left work early?

Had it been the other way around, I wouldn’t have missed this for anything. I would have been the first to arrive and last to leave.

I remember that week there was a pilots’ strike in the airline he was working for, creating a logistics nightmare for all flights and people directly involved with the airplanes, such as him. But he never communicated this to me or that his attendance might not happen.

What this all needed was just a simple phone call. I would have been sad, but would have understood. But keeping quiet makes you look bad, especially coming from someone who never overlooked these details. He was the type of person that no matter how complicated things were, he would meet up to his responsibilities with himself, work and others.

The more I think about, the more upset I am, mostly with myself. I used to give people so many chances for situations that I wasn’t content about. But that’s how I was and tend to be at times, I overlook the negative because I believe in people.

But unfortunately, the more chances you sometimes give to others, the more they keep disappointing you. In the long run they think you will always give them a break, no matter what, and instead of one feeling appreciated, you feel you’ve been ‘thrown under the airplane’.

Interestingly enough, a situation many years later would correlate with this one in a role reversal. But this time around, the outcome would have devastating results.

Let’s say it was one of apocalyptic proportions that shook my inner core like thunder from the sky would do when it hits you. But unlike lightning, I didn’t see it coming.

But, what can you do? Only to wait for the storm to pass or perhaps that it deviates and hit the person back. Hey, maybe that’s what ‘lightning strikes twice’ means.

Advertisements


“I know you do and, yes, I’ll try,” said he.

I knew telling him how much I cared was not enough to ease the pain he was feeling now and would for the next few years.

The way to really help him was to hold his hand, hug him, or some physical affection that could really express what I meant.

We spoke a couple more times until I got the message I did not want to get. His significant other was back so it meant we couldn’t talk any more.

He made the call when he took his dog for a walk. As before, his voice changed to that of the role of a married man and father. The guy who was once part of my life then and now was put away.

Our lives went back as before, each other being part of the past, but not the present, as if we didn’t exist.

We haven’t spoken again and it won’t probably happen until next year, if that. That depends on him.

As for myself, I will still wish for us to see each other one day, that he doesn’t forget about me and to remember that I will be with him all along the way.



Now I was the one who dropped the bomb.

“What do you mean?” said Alex very surprised. The roles were reversed, as he didn’t see this one coming.

“It’s simple. If I no longer go out with you, I’ll proof to you that I’m not with you because I don’t want to be alone or that I need anything from you.”

Alex didn’t know what to say (role reversal again). “You don’t have to take such a drastic measure.”

“Well, it’s the only way that I know. And I’m in no position in trying to proof you wrong when I don’t think anything will work while I’m still seeing you. My feeling is nothing that I do will be good enough.”

“So what happens now?”

“If you still want to see me, I will continue as your friend. But if I have to modify my behavior or act in a way to prove your point, forget it. I have been true to you and myself throughout this time, and I’m not going to change.

I did that far too long when I was married; having to proof, what, when I hadn’t done anything wrong.”

“Sounds to me you’re not facing this situation” said Alex.

“Sounds to me you’re not dealing with your insecurities and are throwing them at me. You think I’m the one with the problem. It’s always easier to place the blame on other things or people.

What you should do is ask yourself why you are with me and maybe you will find the conclusion to this whole situation.”

We kept our ‘conversation’ and I definitely was not going down ‘without a fight.’ Strange, though, I felt very empowered and confident on my position. I wasn’t questioning myself on anything I was saying or doing.

Why am I with him? Maybe because I needed to finally see how much I’ve grown; that I don’t need anyone to question me or make myself doubt of who I am; or that I need someone next to me to feel good about my whole existence or fill a space within me.

That I don’t want to be alone? True, who doesn’t? But, you know what? I’ve been getting along like that just fine.



{October 27, 2008}   Costume Change 8 – Party time!

I met with Dina and two other girls in a house and we all drove together to the party. Dina was a Candy Corn Witch, followed by Paris Hilton and a Cat.

We parked our car in a lot across from the venue and walked to the check-in point that allows you to enter the museum. The party is held in the indoor center courtyard of the mansion and its gardens. Part of the outdoor area is covered with tents.

The party had already started when we were finally checked and the place was filled with every imaginable outfit you could think of. You name it, it was there: short, long, sexy, skimpy, politically correct or not so correct, and whatever else in between.

I was very excited and nervous to be attending the party for the first time. It was also the first occasion that I was at an event without my ‘x’. I somewhat struggled with the body issue, but after seeing outfits that showed way more skin than mine, eventually I was able to get over it and enjoy the night.

I also thought I would cross paths with my ‘x’ sister-in-law, but she was nowhere to be found. Funny, she never missed these parties for anything in the world. It seemed that now the roles have reversed; I am single and she’s married. She probably fell into the marriage trap or maybe her beloved brother reminded her that these parties ‘are for young single people,’ which she is not anymore.



et cetera