The New M.E. Generation











The next day I woke up feeling confused. The bbq of the night before had been nice, but the event had extended far too long. It was one of those feelings that you overdid it and now your body was showing it.

I debated during the morning whether to call Cameron or not. I wasn’t sure if to apologize for my comment of who had texted him, or simply take the opportunity to thank him again, and then discuss this matter. I also wondered if it was necessary for me to say anything to him, even thanks, when I think I did that before he left (honestly, I don’t remember).

I believe I went about my Sunday like any other. If I did make the attempt of calling him, it was in the early evening. And when I did, the call went straight to his voicemail, which didn’t sit well with me.

‘WTF?’ I thought to myself. ‘Has this guy blocked me or something?’

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday came and went. Still no sign of him. Not sure if I made the attempt of calling him again those days, but if I did, it went to voicemail. At this point I didn’t know what to do, but it was clear to me he was avoiding me.

I checked his social media and we were still friends. His profile was as boring and uninteresting as usual, with no clues of his whereabouts or anything else. I wondered if he was checking my posts.

I don’t know what got into me, but I made a drastic move and deleted him as my friend. I probably thought that after 4 days of silence he had moved on with his life, so it was time for me to do the same.

Came Thursday, and when I was getting off the car and walking into the office, I get a call from him. I was juggling my purse and else, and missed answering his call. I returned it when I settled down at my desk.

He quickly tells me that ‘he was about to walk in into the office and only had a few minutes to talk’. Of course you do.

How predictable of a guy to use this false facade as a way to break up with you. They don’t want to deal with a woman ‘going postal’ in person, so they cowardly do this over the phone, taking even more advantage that you’re working, thinking they can make it ‘short and sweet’ to their liking.

Guys, let me tell you something: get on with the times. Just because we’re supposed to be ladylike and behave professionally at work, doesn’t mean it will stop us of telling you to ‘go fuck yourself’.

Because I knew what was coming, I got myself in an empty office, closed the door, and let him say what he had to say.

“It was good for me to go out with you because it helped me,” said he. “Good for you, bad for me,” answered I.

“I still have some issues with my wife to deal with,” continued he. “And you used me to leverage your emotions. Once you got what you needed, you went ahead and disappeared,” said I.

“I didn’t disappear,” said he. “Yes you did,” said I.

“I’m sorry you feel this way and I can only apologize… (blah, blah, blah).” “No you’re not; you’re not the one getting the boot. Question, did you tell the 24-year-old you had issues?”, continued I.

He kept trying to make his case, to which I had a winning argument to everything he was saying.

He then mentioned that he noticed I had ‘unfriended’ him on social media, which he was surprised at and not understanding why I did it. “You took me out of your life, so I did the same,” said I.

I was beyond mad with him. He then said that ‘he was outside the office door about to walk in’ to end the conversation. I know he was running away from me and the situation, but I wasn’t done.

So I went ahead and wrote him through his profile: “I’ll tell you why I’m upset. You disappeared after the bbq. I call you, no answer.

Now you say it was good for you to go out with me because it helped you. That you still need to resolve issues with your divorce.

You told me that when we met. And it may be so, but it’s not for me that others use you. And you came to such a quick decision not to see me any more? You gave that chick 4 months and me less than one?? Really?

What will happen is that you will meet another girl, and that’s it. That thing that you have issues will disappear the minute it happens. I’ve lived that before of guys dumping me, to then quickly learn that they found someone new.

If ever you want to know anything about me, you make the effort. And I took you out of social media because we stopped being friends the minute you decided to walk out of my existence.”

I don’t know if he read it, but I don’t care. This is my version of his ‘short and sweet’, and I like every word of it.

And, you’re a coward. I said it again. A way shorter and sweeter truth.

How do you like the ‘unsweetened’ version of me now?

 

 

 

 

 

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Jeff did kept ‘popping up,’ on and off.

Sometimes he would call me or I did. But if I were lucky to get a hold of him, the conversations would be very quick.

He was always in a rush, or talking when ‘that other person’ wasn’t around, meaning he was away from ‘his significant other.’

I wasn’t particularly upset about it, but was questioning what was I providing to him with these communications.

It almost felt as if he knew that what he was doing was wrong. That I was the only one that provided an escape, a quick fix from his reality, someone who let him be who he really was for a few minutes of his life.

Maybe I was just all he had to whatever he was running away from.

And running away he also did…to my place. Sometimes he would just show up unannounced sometime in the night.

I didn’t mind that he did. But after some initial conversation, I could see a sadness and uncertainty on his eyes that just broke my heart. It even made me feel not so bad about my own situation.

Why does he come here? What am I doing for him?

I mean, we have a lot to deal with and can’t really take care of ourselves the way we deserve, or even each other. Or are we?

In a certain manner, we were reflecting ourselves in each other. We were both stuck in a situation we didn’t asked for or expected to be.

There wasn’t any remote chance of us ever being together in any level, but, in a way, we were.

We both were unhappy with our lives and being ‘together’ gave each other the reaffirmation that we needed to get away from it all and start new. But not with one another.

Sometimes seeing yourself in the mirror is not always a pretty sight.



After I hung up my phone call with Mark, I remained seated for a while with my head resting on the back frame of the sofa. Some tears were still coming down from my eyes.

I knew that Mark, one way or the other, would get me to confront the real issue at play, which was ‘I don’t want to get hurt.’

This was the real deal. It had nothing to do with giving myself a chance, or finding that other person I was back in college, or that I offered my sofa to sleep, and whatever else had me all mixed up.

Yes, this is what it boiled down to and I’m running away from it so doesn’t happen again.

So what’s next? All I thought was to have another serious talk with Jay, expose him to this situation and, depending on his response, make the final decision about his trip.

Since I was still too emotional, I decided to place the call the next day after getting a good night sleep and my thoughts in order. After going through the usual ‘hello’s’ and ‘how are you?,’ we picked up the trip topic.

After reviewing it one more time, and me expressing my anxiety for the millionth time, I finally popped the question to Jay: ‘How do I know that you’re not going to hurt me?’

“Emma, I promise, I promise, I won’t hurt you.”

Jay said other things afterwards, which I don’t recall. I do remember closing my eyes and finally exhaling in relief. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I opened my eyes and felt no more anxiety. Everything now just looked clear to me.

“All right Jay, you can come and visit me.”



Once outside, he shared with me that he loves the water, which included doing scuba diving, snorkeling, surfing and spear fishing; how he would like to retire someday and sail around the world.

Now I was getting very anxious. Brian’s personality sounded so much as my ‘x,’ it was like a copycat was standing in front of me. The feeling was way too close to home.

I looked at Brian’s eyes and my mind started wandering back in time. (What’s his name) and I used to share a boat. We sailed to many places I can’t now all recall. I did all that, but now it feels so far away, like it never happened.

Sadness engulfed me and I tilted my head down. When I looked at Brian again, I felt for a moment that I was actually (him) who was standing in front of me.

‘Tell me, what happened to us? Where did all our plans and dreams go? I thought we would always be together,’ I sadly asked myself.

“If you had the chance to marry again, would you?” Brian asked me.
“What??” I fell back to Earth very quickly. I was cut off guard and can’t formulate an answer at that moment. “I don’t know…” is all I could say.
“I would if I founded someone special again to share my life with, because, at the end of the day, I believe that love is what truly matters,” Brian concluded.

‘What is he talking about? Why is he telling me all these things? Why am I even listening to him?’ I rushed to ask myself.

Why am I allowing this night to turn my world upside down?

I felt I was loosing a grip on my emotions and an urge to run away. In other words, I need to make an exit now, ‘pronto’ (soon).

“I think it’s getting late and should go home,” I said very calmly to my own surprise.
“Do you really have to go?” Brian asked.

No, I really didn’t have a reason to go. But, on the other hand, what reason did I have to stay?

Brian asked me for my phone number; he said he would call me in the future to take a ride on his boat and go snorkeling. I don’t ask for his; my emotions just didn’t let me do it. I later regretted it to the max.

Would I like to go snorkeling with him? Absolutely.

I promised myself that, this time, I wouldn’t take it personally if he, like the ‘other guys,’ never resurfaced again after this night.

And, I’ll try not to stare endlessly at my phone waiting for his call.

I’ll try.



et cetera