The New M.E. Generation











Just when I thought that things with this guy seemed to be leveling down, I get a phone call from him in the middle of the day, about 2 months after his arrival to the place ‘he hated so much, he felt like tearing the license plate off the car once he crossed the state’s city limits”, just like he did one month after being in the Pacific, to inform me of the following: “I’m just calling you quickly to let you know that I’m getting out of here!!!”

‘Say what??’ I thought to myself. It was like Groundhog Day, when the same incident and words from a few months back had repeated again. “Getting out of where??” asked I.

“The place that I’m living,” said he very angry. “Today is my last day here. This guy told me I couldn’t be here any more, so I made a few calls to people I know, and thank God who never fails me, I was able to find a place to move in right away. I will call you at another time when I’m settled down.”

I didn’t really pay attention to the details of what caused him to go; when I heard the religious part I got nauseated and lost focus on the conversation. Plus, here was again another situation of him having a disagreement with other people, either personal or work related, that ended in a nasty dispute. See the pattern here? His bitchy ex-girlfriend, sister, father, friends, co-workers. And, of course, it was the other person’s fault, not his.

In this case, from what I understood, my then friend was living at a room at the residence of a friend and/or former colleague, who was letting him live in the space for free until he had enough money to find a place of his own.

According to his version, the ‘landlord’ asked him to pay or got upset with this guy for something, and told him he had to go by the end of the month. This guy got so upset at his treatment that he told him, “don’t worry about me leaving this month; as a matter of fact, I’m leaving today, right now!!”

I think this happened sometime in the middle of the work week, so the conversation ended rather quickly and me not having much of a chance to say or ask anything else. He didn’t have much possessions with him, so I don’t think he sacrificed much work time to complete his move.

If we did have a chance to speak about this again, I’m sure he would have been still very angry for the fact that ‘he thought this person was his friend, but proved him wrong’, that ‘he was clearly stabbed on the back’, and that ‘for some reason God wanted me out of there, so that’s why this happened’.

After all this was over, I was again sort of distant from him as I living too many familiar emotions: his behavior change, angry outbursts, being unreachable, secrecy, religious fanaticism. The excuse of ‘been busy with my new job’ was the best into keeping a distance.

I think a few months went by when he informed me that he was again going to visit his mom over the weekend (to pick up one of his cars he had left at her house, or something like that), and that I was invited to go there from Saturday to Sunday, if possible.

He told me ‘very last minute’ and I wasn’t all sure about it, but decided to go ahead. With so much happening from him, I was feeling that there wouldn’t be that many chances in the future of getting together.

In other words, it was a ‘now or never’ situation. I didn’t see it then, but reality was that the end of an era was slowly approaching and it would happen with a ‘bang’ in the worst of ways possible.

 



{February 9, 2015}   Looking Back 39 – What the…

Don’t know what’s happening lately. But it’s been more than 5 years since I became single again, which means I’ve worked very hard to get over my ‘past life’ and ‘X’, and bring the new me into the world.

Those people close to me have told me how much I have evolved for the better, that I look good, and present myself as being at peace with myself, and managing well my current work and personal situations.

Given all that, why am I now having dreams with people I know will never, ever, become anything else than what they are now, like ‘the beach guy’?

One night I had this dream where he and I were together out on the town somewhere. I have these quick images of standing in front of a tree he had decorated with these pretty lights for me.

I did comment how pretyy his action had been and I was happy. There was other surprises he pulled off which made me feel very flattered and special.

Then we were inside a nice car (probably his) and then, he proposed!

But, no ring! I was even happier and probably said ‘yes’ because we both kissed. But it was a simple one like in the movies, nothing that would be too overdone.

When I woke up in the morning, it was a heavy mix of emotions. Don’t get me wrong; I do want to get married again, but with him??

And as romantic as any woman can be, of course I would like the proposal to be as beautiful as can be, even more so than the first time.

I started overanalyzing the dream and realized I should be laughing about it, even feeling good about it.

I’m over this guy and shouldn’t give up my real dream of finding true love. Got to think in the positive, always.

Hmm, wonder what he has to say about it.

‘OMG had a dream last night with you that we got engaged. I woke up with a feeling of WTF. My hormones are probably out of whack,’ text I.

‘LOL,’ replied he. ‘Sorry, I don’t think I’ll ever marry again.’

‘I’m not interested in marrying you to start with. But it was interesting the way you did the whole thing.’

‘Ahh. When I do something I usually do it right, whether it be a good or bad thing.’

‘I do want to get married again someday. So I guess I was just visualizing how it would happen. Why your face was in my dream is a mystery. Probably it was as you’re saying; you’re the only guy I know who would do it in a way that would be memorable. But, no ring!’

‘No ring? That’s strange.’

‘Yes, but overall was a colorful dream and there was even a kiss.’

‘That’s good. You really are a good person and attractive.’

‘So humbling of you to think that way of me after all these years considering I can be complicated at times.’

‘You’re not complicated, just looking for love and companionship. That’s what everyone wants.’

‘I guess, although some people don’t want to have a commitment, just party and have fun.’

‘Correct.’

Well, how about that? I wasn’t expecting him to say that about me. It actually made me feel very good.

I will say it was sort of a dream of mine to clear out all that happened between us to get some peace of mind, and I think that has been manifested in a nice subconscious way.

But the proposal part? Spare me! I propose to leave the situation as it is, give it a kiss of approval and keep dreaming on.



It has been a while since I have exchanged communication with this ‘beach guy’.

Ironically his birthday came up for the year, so I congratulated him on his page. He again thanked me, and everyone else who posted something, for the well wishes.

But, he didn’t specify what he did to celebrate. I assumed he spend it with his family at the beach since he’s there every chance he gets.

I believe the next day he sent me a message that blew me away like a storm.

‘You probably don’t know, but I’ve been separated from my wife since the beginning of the year.’

Say what? How did this happen?

I was so shocked about the news I started getting really anxious. More than that he was in this situation, I was overwhelmed at the many people whose relationship had not worked.

There was a time when people were getting married, then having a family, followed by a period of ‘quietness’ were all was fine.

Then the problems would begin or occurrences of bad couple situations. People got separated and divorced, and the end of the relationships would turn out very ugly.

This guy was another one I never envisioned going through this. I was actually envying him because I thought his life was going so well.

The other aspect of his situation that made me nervous was the timing. The beginning of the year also correlated with me facing an unexpected situation that took several months to resolve.

It kept going around my mind and wondered if there was some divine intervention in all this. Is this a signal that perhaps we might get together again? Is he perhaps part of the ‘master plan’ that he talked about that the universe has supposedly designed for me?

OMG! Anxiety rising!



This guy took forever to get to my place considering that it was the weekend, was driving on the highway and with the assistance of a GPS.

Worst part was that he called a couple of times to make sure he was headed the right way. All he had to do was to go straight all the way until he reached a particular intersection and take the exit to the right.

From that he needed to continue a little further up make a left, then a right, another left and ‘touch down’.

“Should I go west or east at the intersection?” asked he.

“Just take the one to the right. It’s that simple.”

“But is it going west or east?”

“I am telling you the exit to your right.”

He kept insisting over the phone until I got really upset. What part doesn’t he comprehend?

“Like I explained to you,” said I, “when you get to the exit, follow the arrows pointing to the right to the street number I gave you.”

He kept me on the line until he drove the right way. When he exited, he was sounding more lost than ever. This was definitely a bad idea but could not do anything about it now.

He was now confirming the rest of the directions over and over. C’mon you, it’s not that difficult to get to my place!

When he finally understood how to get to my location, he ended the call by saying he needed to take care of something before heading here.

Say what? You keep me all this time on the phone wasting my minutes when you have a GPS and several mobile applications that could have done the same work as me? And now you need to ‘take care of something’?

I have to admit this has been the biggest mistake in my entire dating career. I shouldn’t have met or gone out with him. This is a feeling like admitting defeat in something one is doing.

So what am I supposed to do now? Don’t know, especially when his whereabouts are unknown as we speak.

Really, where the heck is he??



“I was a mistake to my parents,” said he.

“What? No! How can you say that?”

“Because they had a troubled relationship and somehow I happened. I was even sent away to boarding school most of my life.

I myself had a difficult relationship with them. That’s why I’m so focused on providing my daughter the stable environment I never had.”

I was literally crying over the phone. “Please never say that again. My parents also had a difficult relationship since as long as I remember. But I’ve never felt negatively about my existence.

The problems that they all had are theirs, but unfortunately we get tangled up on the outcomes of what they do. In a way we pay for their decisions.

All we can do is try to make sense of all their mess and try not to repeat it, like you’re doing.

But you and I are not what you think. I love you very much as a person and hurts me deeply how you feel about yourself. You’re worse than me at times.

If it helps you heal in any way, just remember how much I feel about you, and if I was you, I would make it all go away.

So for now just remember that there’s at least one person who cares about you and thinks highly of you.

Can you try to do that for me?”



I was still analyzing his question and couldn’t think for an answer. Why is that? Is it because I’m angry with him or it’s just that I’ve had it with questioning myself over this?

“Hmm,” said I, “I want to be with somebody. I’m not asking for much.”

“I don’t think you’re ready for that,” said he.

Say what? Oh no, here we go again with him telling me what I’m apparently feeling when he doesn’t have the full scope of my life then and now.

I was upset with him like before, but didn’t want to loose control of myself and say or do something I would later regret.

“Sorry, but I don’t agree with you. I’ve been alone for quite a while and even have spent some time on my own on purpose to review my whole life in general. I feel I am ready to give a new relationship a try.”

I didn’t want to concentrate all the conversation on me, so I switched to his last relationship. He had told me over the phone it lasted over a year, but ended because she wanted to have a child and he didn’t want any more of his own.

“What about you?” asked I, “You said your relationship ended because of the baby situation.”

“Yes,” said he, “but we loved each other.”

“But she wasn’t really into you in the long run. You were a means to an end, more of a sperm donor if you asked me. Have you stayed with her or not, or she ends up with another guy, once she gets what she wants, she doesn’t need that person any more and will leave him. That’s not love. That’s being selfish.”

I don’t remember how the conversation ‘calmed down’ afterwards, but another element came into play.

Is that rain?



I was deeply asleep when my cell phone started to buzz. It was on a weekend and I, not knowing what day it was, automatically reacted as if it was the alarm.

I kept pressing on it trying to turn it off, when it was really the phone ringing.

It stopped and I went back to sleep. A few minutes later, it buzzed again. This time I was awakened and could only think something terrible had happened to a loved one.

I answered anyway, even though I didn’t looked at the caller’s ID.

“Hey, it’s me, Jesse!”

‘What??’ I thought to myself. I opened my eyes and saw it was 3am. (WTF??)

“What the heck are you doing calling me at this time??” asked I.

“My friends and I just left a bar and we’re getting some pizza. I want to come over your place and bring you some.”

He sounded somewhat incoherent, which means he probably had one drink too many and not in full control of himself.

“Listen,” said I, “stay with your friends, enjoy the pizza; I’m not letting you in my apartment, even less at this time.”

“What? Bitch! I’m going over your place!”

(Say what??) “You can do whatever you want. Even if you climbed walls, I still wouldn’t let you in. And, you called me a bitch!!”

I hanged up on him and he called back several times, but I kept pressing the reject button so the calls would go directly to voice mail.

He stopped calling when he got ‘the message’ that I was not answering the phone any more.

What a jerk this guy turned out to be! I may have not answered the last calls, but I will surely do so later when I really communicate my bitchy side to him.



Believe it or not, Ivan contacted me again. I was quite surprised when I received a call from him.

“What a surprise, again,” said I.

“I was on the area, again, but couldn’t stop by.”

“Let me take a guess, work.” (Duh!) “Tell me something new, like, are you traveling any time soon?”

“Yes, I’m taking a trip with a friend.”

(Say what?) “You mean a girl, your girlfriend.”

“No, she’s just a friend.”

“Oh c’mon, don’t start with me. I’m sure she will be very upset to hear that you are referring to her as just that. Well, I will admit I’m sort of jealous, but I’m happy for you. I hope it works out for the best.”

Ivan didn’t agree or refute what I said.

“Listen,” said he, “ I just arrived at the pharmacy to pick-up something, so I have to go.” (Like always.)

“No problem.” (Whatever.)

My phone conversations with Ivan, as usual, are probably the shortest in record. It’s amazing, though, how much was covered on this one. But, it definitely let me know that this guy is ‘off the market.’

All I can do now is continue with my life as I have done so far, and not expect anything else from him any more, phone calls included.

Instead of putting myself online, I need to put myself ‘out there’ and find a new guy.

 



While the two guys and I talked about the past days of high school, the guy sitting next to Dina is really working her into his conversation. How committed was he? He had his hand on her thigh.

Say what?? When did that happen? Guess remembering the past got me disconnected. When I come to think about it, yes, it did. It actually made me feel young to be remembered for who I was way back then. Back then when I was just myself, Emma.

Even more, who would have thought that this chance re-encounter made me forget my present reality? To top it all of even more, the guy is still sitting, by himself, at the bar, still staring at me.

I shared a drink with my former alumni when we all noticed that the bar was about to close for the night. I turned to Dina and asked her if she was ready to leave (with him or myself was fine by me). The ‘hand in the thigh guy’ was not letting her go, so I asked Dina what she wanted to do. She chose option #2; he was to accompany her home.

I then asked the guys to give me their business card or something with the hope of keeping in touch in the future.

As soon as I said good-bye to the two guys, the ‘guy at the bar’ jumped from his seat and asked me if he could have my phone number.

Aaah…I was so completely caught off guard that the only thing I could respond was, “could I have yours and I’ll call you?”

He wrote it on the back of the business card, quickly introduced ourselves, and off we went (Dina and me, ‘hand in the thigh guy’ included).

We all walked to my car and I noticed that these two were holding hands. ‘Nice,’ I thought. Wonder what will happen to Dina and me. Well, in my case, that all depends if I make the call.



et cetera