The New M.E. Generation











What I remember next was that he had the help from a former colleague in moving out of the apartment and placing his belongings in the storage spaces.

I believed he then made the trip to his mom’s to leave one of the cars with her; the third one would stay with a couple friends of his.

I don’t recall if I saw him before he left to the Pacific. If I did, I probably got teary eyed when saying good-bye while giving him a hug, liked I’ve always done, when I knew it would be long before I saw him again.

I now look back and can’t believe how emotional I kept getting for him when he was showing the opposite feelings for me. I was so into keeping the friendship that I was allowing him to treat me like crap.

Yes, I was afraid of losing the only thing left that mattered to me, gave me security, a sense of self, anything and everything I relied on to have.

But unfortunately, when you place others before yourself, especially those who don’t deserve or haven’t earned it, they’re going to treat you badly.

And I’ve had this experience already happen with many others (including that person I was married with), so why was I in denial when reality was standing there right before me? Why was I being blind when he was showing his true colors?

If I didn’t get to see him and instead spoke with him on the phone, I probably got equally emotional, but didn’t say much about it. I would again have placed him first and not add additional pressure on him that he already had, or so I thought.

My next recollection of events was that he finally took flight and was posting every detail of his travel tagged with religious emoticons and thoughts.

It went down to something like this: he sat on the plane’s window taking photos of the sky, for example, and write, “thank you Lord for this opportunity as you’re with me all the way”. His favorite emoticon was of two hands together in prayer, which he used all the time on social media and texts, even if the event didn’t have a religious connection.

Or a post like, “look at that water that’s waiting for me down there and none of you will get to enjoy.”

In essence, he was trying to convey that he was headed to paradise and that his decision to go there was because the One above told him to, that ‘this is where he wants me to be right now, even though I don’t have an explanation as to the why of it.’

As the posts continued, they became too much for me. I felt like sticking my hand down the throat and puke at his absurdity. It was the same rhetoric over and over, like he needed continuous confirmation about anything that embodied him.

What it really sounded to me was that ‘the Man is giving me everything that I need because I am kissing butt big time to secure my place in the afterlife, which I know I have, and none of you are getting’.

He may be thankful of all the powers he supposedly was gifted from heaven, but it was clear as the blue sky that it was all about ‘me, me, me’, as in ‘me’ is better than you, ‘me’ gets all that I want, ‘me’ knows better than you, ‘me’ is untouchable ‘cause I got Him on my side and you don’t’.

He may have felt he was on top of the world and able to conquer it all, but his life was headed towards the worst transatlantic disaster he would experience.

Let’s say it certainly wasn’t going to be a day at the beach and would require more than his two hands held together to get a grab of it.

In other words, you never know what the tide might bring in, or like they say in aviation lingo, hold on tight to your seat, brace for impact, and hold your breath, ’cause you’re going down, down, down.



I know I’ve said many times over that the best thing for me to do is stay away from people that are not good for me, especially guys that just drop off radar for no apparent reason.

Every so often I’ve broken my own promise of doing so. Case in point, Ivan. He’s one of the few that once in a while I send him a text. Chances of response are slim; calls are not really worth the effort. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesn’t, and if he does call, the conversation is limited to no more than 5 minutes, if that.

So if it is so complicated, why do I reach out to him? Good question.

I recently started calling people I haven’t spoken to for some time and his name always comes to mind. But this time I decided to text. This way would just do it and forget about the rest.

“Hey Ivan, what’s going on?” is all I wrote.

A few days later, while at my lunch break, the phone rang; it was him.

“Emma (—-)”. I couldn’t understand the second part of what he was saying. It sounded like ‘ciao’.

“Why are you saying ‘good-bye’ to me?” asked I.

“No, I’m saying hello in my native language.”

“Oh, ok; I wasn’t expecting your call.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been working so much and my employer got sick, and it has been crazy…” This is not the first time I’ve heard this. I was getting a stomach ache of just listening to him. In fact, it’s the norm for him; working until he drops, with no fun or something good to talk about.

“I can sense in your voice that you’re really stressed out. Surprised you didn’t say you got sick yourself.”

“I just need to seriously take a vacation. But you think they would care about me or how I feel??”

“No, they don’t, unfortunately.” And it doesn’t just include work, it refers to many people in general. “You know, you don’t have to go very far to disconnect. It’s just a matter of really resting and not having to worry about anything else.”

“I know. I used to be more fun, had more of a social life. Now I just want to go home and sleep.”

“There’s nothing wrong with doing that,” said I. “Besides, you don’t need to fulfill other people’s expectations, only yours.” (Silence from him.) “So, are you dating anyone?”

“Ah, yes, no; going out with somebody. She’s been very helpful with me with an investment I’m trying to do.”

“Sounds like you feel obligated to be with her because of that.”

“Well, she’s a good woman overall. What about you?”

“I tried that website you told me about and got a lot of too young guys just wanting to sleep with me. And the ones my age look really bad.”

Ivan started laughing. I think it’s the first time I hear him do this. “How about church?” asked he. “Where I go there are many single guys.”

“Mine is full of families. Your town is another market; it’s party central.”

“Listen, I have to go, but we should get a coffee or something some time.”

“Ivan, you know how many times you’ve told me that? I’ve given up on you.”

“I know, everyone has given up on me.”

“I meant that most probably you and I won’t get to see each other again. You’re a good guy. You just have to stop living life for others.” (Silence again.) “Don’t do as I did and found myself totally lost when I got divorced, with no sense of who I was.” (More silence.) “Like I said, you’re a good guy. And I call you because a supreme force gets in my head telling me to do so. What can I say?”

Ivan was speechless and I felt that his anxiety sort of calmed down. The words I had said flowed out in a way as if it was someone else delivering them through me.

After hanging up I knew the universe was the one to blame. Ivan is going through a never-ending difficult time and was emotionally in a desperate need for some sympathetic support.

It was almost as he needed a miracle. You know what, it actually did.



My high school friend graduated a year before I did. My brother was on the same class and attending the graduation without him being there was a somber night for me.

This period represented a new stage in my life. My friend and brother were going away to college in a few months, which meant I would be alone at home with mom and my Senior year would start.

I was looking forward to this time, but was also lost of what to do with education and myself, especially when he was away.

I felt somewhat lost without my support system. And my insecurities about my intelligence and grades for my college application had me on the edge.

I kept thinking how in spite all he did he managed to get to the school of his choice. He knew exactly what he wanted to do for a career and how he would make it happen. Me, I didn’t have a clue what to expect for dinner that night.

The last memory I have of my friend during this time was of him coming to terms about ending high school, but glad he would go away from all this and start engaging in what he really loved.

He legally completed his studies, but don’t recall that he received the diploma. I believe he mentioned having to get a lawyer so there would be a record filed in school and Education Department that he had completed all the high school requirements.

That made me even more sad and puzzled about life in general and of witnessing this happening to someone I cared about.

That’s probably why I was overwhelmed; my mom had high expectations of me, my brother was the center of attention for always, and my mom was trying to adjust to this major change at home.

The summer went normal. I would see my friend at the pharmacy whenever I could. I don’t recall saying good-bye in person. I probably did over the phone and holding back my tears. After all he went through to finish school, the least I could do was to be supportive towards him and not add any additional pressure.

I do recall that when he and my brother left, I sat at my room looking around and thinking, ‘now what?’ It wouldn’t be the first moment that I felt that I was totally on my own without someone to hold my hand to lead the way.

It was as scary as when my ‘x’ walked out the door for good. Thinking about it now brings back this feeling, but incredibly I managed to overcome it all and stay in one piece.

So why am I still sad? Because I miss my friend and it hurts losing the friendship. This is not what was meant to be, but as he and I have done, I will hold my head up, knowing that no matter what, I will make it through this time and will be just fine.



I woke up the next day wondering if this one was going to be as wonderful as the day before.

Most of it is a blur, but Johann and I somehow communicated and agreed to meet to go to the beach. I don’t know what I told my mother, but I managed for her to drop me at the ship.

From there, Johann, a colleague of his, and I took a cab to one of the many beaches in the area, about 20 minutes away. I wanted to go away from the area as much as possible hoping not to come across anyone I knew.

I don’t think I saw anyone known. I probably kept the clothes covering my bathing suit on, as I felt awkward with my body back then, and didn’t want to expose too much to two guys I barely knew. Besides that, we all had a great time.

Regarding getting back home, I know we all took another cab and guess it dropped me home first. It was probably then when I had to say good-bye. I’m sure I gave him a big hug, thanked him for all his attentions and wished him well. I probably held back on crying because I felt I would never see him again.

The ship was scheduled to leave the next day (Monday) while I was still in school.

I know I was distracted from my work, wishing I could just get there before it left. Like any teenager, I probably ran the idea like a classic scene from a romantic movie, which would go like this:

I would get to the ship last minute with my friends the day I met him, just when the ropes were being untied and the horns were rang announcing its departure.

Among all the noise, I asked someone to find Johann. He would rush out and find a way to step off the ship. We would then hug and kiss, with everyone else cheering and clapping for us.

While we still embraced, I will tell him to his ear, ‘I will never forget you’.

Johann would jump back to the ship and would stay there looking at me until he was gone. I would wave good-bye and cry. My friends would gather around to comfort me.

But, no, all I could do was sit on my third floor classroom and look out the window to the horizon. He was on my mind the whole day and wondered if he did the same.

It may have been a 3-day experience, but it was definitely one that has never repeated.

After that day, my life went back to the usual, but now waiting for the next chapter of it, if there was going to be one.

All right, time to check the mail!



I couldn’t get to sleep that night. All that had to do with he and I kept going around my mind over and over with no resolution.

When I finally fell asleep, I had a dream. In it, he and I were standing face to face. I looked at him straight to his eyes and repeatedly asked him, ‘Why did you leave me? Why?’ while trying to push him away.

He didn’t answer me. He held my hands and I lowered my head with tears coming out of my eyes. He then hugged me and I placed my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. I felt an immense sense of peace.

I then woke up and stared at the ceiling in the dark, and it all came back to me. We never concluded what we had the last time we saw each other. We simply turned around and walked away from each other and our feelings. We let go of everything that joined us, but not of what we felt towards each other.

So what happens next? Nothing. What we shared belongs to that time and there’s nothing else for me to do other than learn from it and finally close that chapter of my life.

Maybe we needed to part ways and find each other again so we could get it right the second time around. And I think we finally did that, even in the distance. It is now up to us to decide if the connection remains or we part ways again.

Whatever the outcome, he will always remain in my thoughts and can only wish the best for him.

So I guess it will be good-bye, for now.



I said good-bye to Dina and ‘the hand at the thigh guy’ and after entering my car, the two left still walking holding hands. I was happy for her, but somewhat concerned to how the night would end for her, meaning if he were a descent guy, etc.

It’s been a while that neither of us had met someone and when it does, it feels like the first time: being clueless, insecure and scared of what the outcome might be.

I got home and did the usual procedure after being out for the night, including emptying the purse I used of all its contents.

I took out the business card and read what was written in the back. It read ‘Christian’ and a mobile number.

‘Christian?’ I thought to myself, ‘it sounds too religious to me. I mean, of all the endless possible names to consider for a baby boy you chose this one?? No, I don’t like it.’

All right, I admit that I’ve asked repeatedly for some divine intervention from the universe as it relates to love, but did you had to send him? What are you trying to tell me?

I know I’m not supposed to judge others on a name, but I’m not really getting a vibe from this one.

So, what am I going to do? Realistically speaking, there are no other candidates to consider.

Ok, ok, I’ve made my decision. I’ll wait for a couple of days to go by and then I’ll give him a call. I’m not sure if this is the best thing to do, but at least I won’t look desperate (I think).

Decision made. Time to go to sleep.

Let’s see what happens.



While the two guys and I talked about the past days of high school, the guy sitting next to Dina is really working her into his conversation. How committed was he? He had his hand on her thigh.

Say what?? When did that happen? Guess remembering the past got me disconnected. When I come to think about it, yes, it did. It actually made me feel young to be remembered for who I was way back then. Back then when I was just myself, Emma.

Even more, who would have thought that this chance re-encounter made me forget my present reality? To top it all of even more, the guy is still sitting, by himself, at the bar, still staring at me.

I shared a drink with my former alumni when we all noticed that the bar was about to close for the night. I turned to Dina and asked her if she was ready to leave (with him or myself was fine by me). The ‘hand in the thigh guy’ was not letting her go, so I asked Dina what she wanted to do. She chose option #2; he was to accompany her home.

I then asked the guys to give me their business card or something with the hope of keeping in touch in the future.

As soon as I said good-bye to the two guys, the ‘guy at the bar’ jumped from his seat and asked me if he could have my phone number.

Aaah…I was so completely caught off guard that the only thing I could respond was, “could I have yours and I’ll call you?”

He wrote it on the back of the business card, quickly introduced ourselves, and off we went (Dina and me, ‘hand in the thigh guy’ included).

We all walked to my car and I noticed that these two were holding hands. ‘Nice,’ I thought. Wonder what will happen to Dina and me. Well, in my case, that all depends if I make the call.



In the weeks that followed, I continued having some communication with Jay. I avoided asking him about his new ‘love interest,’ so I just stick to trivial topics.

I was having difficulty getting over him. Some days I would wear the ring and others I wouldn’t. I guess I needed to remind myself that something good has happened in my life.

But I believe the most difficult thing was to tell friends that it was over and that the trip to Canada was not happening. They were all sad and disappointed for how things ended because they knew this was the first guy after my divorce that I genuinely had feelings for, and had given myself the opportunity to open my heart to.

Yep, it took me some time to let go of him. I put the ring away, cried late at night, and got the lessons from this experience that I believe will help me move forward.

The day I knew it was really over was when I called him for the last time. I did because there was some news he had been hoping to hear from me for some time. But I also wanted to hear his voice and reaction of listening me on the other end of the line.

Jay answered the call in his usual upbeat demeanor every time I called, and became more when he heard the news. But after this part was over and I talked about everyday things, the conversation became ‘flat.’ It felt as if he was speaking to anyone else like a friend or co-worker; someone who doesn’t have any special feelings for.

I even had the courage to ask him about his love life, and he responded by saying that he was still seeing her, and taking things very slow.

He then continued to say that he was doing some work on his home and he needed to get back to that. When he said good-bye he was cold as someone who is way over you, or not interested in you at all, even perhaps pretending nothing had happened and needed to ‘exit’ as quickly as possible in order to avoid getting into the present reality.

Meaning, it’s so easy to ‘dump’ somebody when you have someone else lined-up. Of course, you’re not empty-handed, especially if the new person is more convenient for your lifestyle.

He knew that the way he behaved was not the best, so he used the ‘baggage’ situation to let go of me easily and have a good mental excuse for leaving me.

Truth is, if she hadn’t come along, I would have made the trip and maybe still be with Jay.

It’s hard to believe that someone who greeted me with so much love at the airport has now said good-bye the opposite way.

So what am I going to make of it? Nothing. I’m not dwelling on it like I did with the others.

It is what it is and that’s it.



After Jay left, our correspondence continued and we were missing each other terribly. Saying good-bye to him at the airport was very hard. We kept hugging each and I tried not to cry. I didn’t look through my rear view window when I drove away because I was just too sad.

The waiting for his arrival felt forever and, now that he was gone, my place felt very empty and lonely as before he came. It was as if he had never made the trip.

About two months later, Jay came back for another week that, of course, included more water skiing, but no travel to the resort.

This time around, he got more of a taste of what my life was about. He got to see Dina again, met Madelyn, and I took him to the different places that I usually go out to.

I even told my friends and family about him. I communicated to others that Jay was someone special that was now part of my life, and all were happy that there was someone else to whom I was special too as well.

Jay even expressed for me to go visit him a few months later at the lake community he was living at. This way, I could really get a sense of his life as a whole now that he got to know mine, and as a way to hopefully continue whatever we had going.

Yes, the relationship conversation was again brought up. The original agreement of continuing to see other people, only as friends, and to keep the communication or honesty open, was to stand.

The second time around went equally as good, but as soon as he left, uncertainty about the future about our relationship quickly sink in once again. This was the last time that, for now, Jay could visit me. And even if I did go to Canada, what was to happen between us after I returned home was in question.

I mean, people were happy for me, but everyone was having the same concern as well. They were glad to learn that I had a love in my life, but what were the chances of a long distance relationship of ever working out?

Forget about the mutual feelings and that we were both different from each other in so many ways. The distance factor was one that, in the end, would do just that, end anything.

I’m digesting all this and can’t come to a conclusion. I figured out that, for now, I’ll go visit him, see how that goes, and take it from there.

And, yet again, I’m throwing all this into the universe, hoping it will give me some direction or answer to my uncertainties.

And it did, but not exactly in what I was shooting for.



et cetera