The New M.E. Generation











{January 23, 2017}   The Swipe 18 – Having E.D.

I kept seeing Bob after the boating (and bad comment) day. Surprisingly, I managed to put the incident aside, which is a first for me.

Fact is, Bob was a contradiction within himself. Up until then he had been respectful and well-mannered, always asking me how I would feel about doing anything, including holding my hand one night when we went out to eat. And then the incident happened.

It was like a dual personality in which the second gets quickly triggered by something, to then going back to your original one in an instance.

Regarding holding hands, it wasn’t exactly smooth sailing for me either. It was another thing I hadn’t done in quite some time, but decided to do it to find out how it now felt.

Honestly, it was a mid-point reaction for me; it didn’t felt as great as I hoped for, nor something I wouldn’t do again with him.

There was an obvious six degrees of separation within me towards Bob when we took a stroll together one night. I even sat across from him at a restaurant table, not side by side. I was close to him, but not that close in reality.

Heck, maybe my mind still had his awful comment on high alert, making me pull away as a subconscious self-defense mechanism.

All the while neither Bob and I had commented to anyone that we were dating, not even the couple friend of mine.

Eventually Bob showed the husband the selfie of our first night out. Bob said the guy reacted with surprise that there was a female in the picture. Bob then told him to look closer at the photo and when realizing who it was, he then reacted with more surprise.

But what was surprising to me was that I was sure my GF would call me immediately upon learning about it, which didn’t happen. There was no mention of it, even on one time she and I went to dinner by ourselves.

Bob even said that he had suggested to my GF’s husband that we should all go out to eat together, to which he agreed, but a tentative date was not set.

From this point forward, this is how I remember the next sequence of events. I met with Bob for dinner on a Thursday because he had plans the following evening to meet with his children.

It had been a long work week for me and after getting a slight buzz from a very cold beer, I blurt out to him, “do you have any hair left on your head?” (Hey, he had the nerve of saying something out of line and now it’s my turn, don’t you think?)

He gave me a puzzled look and responded that he still had some, but that he preferred to just shave it off every day.

I kept staring at him and felt like asking, “why?? don’t you miss having a full set?” Oops, talking about having a bad hair day.

Saturday came and I was watching the Olympics, as a female athlete from home was to compete for the Gold medal, the first one for us.

I spoke with Bob sometime before it and his tone of voice sounded very disconnected. At no point did he invited me to his home or showed any enthusiasm when I told him about the match. It was like his alter ego had showed up again.

The game happened; we won. I cheered and cried like a baby, even took a video of the medal ceremony. I called Bob shortly after.

“Did you see it??? We won!!! OMG, this is so awesome…” I kept on and on. He listened to me, but was totally emotionless. There was never an instance of him saying something like “congrats” or “great” that would equal the immense joy of the moment. He didn’t give a shit about it.

He had disappointed me a second time, but I let it pass again because of how great I was feeling.

I believe I called him the next day just to say hello. I even asked him if he wanted some company, to which he replied, “I’m doing laundry”.

Damn dude, you probably wash your clothes in cold water because I just felt getting soaked with that right now. Do you know what a ‘fabric softener’ is by any chance?

I didn’t say anything again, but it was the third time that he was a dick.

I was so upset I even consulted with my bestie (please see The Ex-Friend story) to get her opinion.

“Guys nowadays have no fucking idea of what they want,” said she. “That being said, how can they have a relationship with anyone? I know this situation sucks, but like I have told you before, better now than later. I think this guy’s problem is that he has E.D.”

“Make it more emotional dysfunction,” replied I. “It happens all the time. It all starts well and one day to the next they disappear without warning. I know the distance is a big issue for me and most probably would have become a decisive factor in the long run, but if you don’t want to keep going forward, just say it and we’ll part ways.”

“That’s why they’re dysfunctional. They’re using the wrong head to do anything,” continued she.

Whatever the reason, I wrapped around my own head the thought that this had come to an end. Even if this was bound to fail, it’s still upsetting that it’s a repeated pattern with the guys that have become present in my life.

I’m being flexible, open, letting things go with the flow, not take things so personal as my GF’s have told me, but there’s still these ‘spots’ with my connections that won’t go away even with the best bleach.

So what I’m supposed to do now? Switch detergents? Could be, but one thing I will do for sure is this: Read the label before using.

 

 

 

 

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My stress, unfortunately, didn’t level down. I always get like this when it’s a first date, although I was not trying to define it like that.

Heck, I could approach it as a night out, casual encounter, meeting, anything that wouldn’t make me think about what would or could happen next.

The way I select what to wear is so nerve wrecking, it’s almost like a self-defense mechanism so I don’t go on dates. Because the guys I’ve met haven’t been mostly unworthy, I’m already conditioned that it will always fail.

Maybe that’s the clue for my failures: I’m already giving it a verdict before the ‘trial’ happens.

So, I open my closet and first decide on pants or a dress. If I do on pants, then it’s the decision of the top. This means playing around with the ‘cards’ I have by putting the clothes on my bed. Once I like something, I try it on. If it works, I wear it. If not, keep trying options.

If all fails for me, then I try the dresses that I have and pray something will click and, more importantly, that it fits. Yes, that’s another factor. Because I don’t go out on that many dates, the clothes I usually have for that sit on my closet at times without being worn.

This means that when I try them on, they could not fit me any more for having gained weight or, if they do, they might be clothes that I decide at that moment it’s time to part with.

The second happens every so often with my wardrobe. I get on this mood that certain items remind me of a particular life period that I just want to forget, so I quickly take them out of the closet and place them in a bag to be donated.

It’s a cleaning process that makes me feel lighter, allowing my emotional space to heal and that of my closet to be filled with new things that reflect the present me.

I started looking at all my dresses and nothing was doing it for me until I looked at a strapless, black, a-lined model I’ve had for years. Of all the items I currently have on my closet, this is probably the oldest of them all. It’s been with me way before my marriage fell apart.

Why have I kept it, especially when it belongs to ‘my past life’? I know I go through a cleansing every so often, but this one always fits me no matter the weight I have, it has a timeless style and, most importantly, always makes me feel pretty when I wear it. It somehow manages to make me forget the history behind it and look at myself in a new light.

After this major undertaking is resolved, then it’s the shoes and accessories. I put them all together, switching choices around until the ‘this is it’ factor occurs.

Last step, unbelievably the less stressful of all, hair and makeup. They’re equally important, but I guess the other elements are what really reflect who I am as a whole. Once I’m all dressed up, I do a final inspection on myself that all is in order and I’m ready for the night.

I liked what I saw on the mirror, but will he like it?

I checked myself one more time and a thought came to mind: ‘Take it as if it was an adventure’. Don’t know where that came from, but I took a deep breath and left.

Was that you, universe?



et cetera