The New M.E. Generation











The next memories of my childhood are when I began school. My parents started coaching me early for the transition. I was fascinated by this new chapter, but my brother wasn’t that thrilled about school per se.

The most difficult part for me was actually waking up. I always wanted ‘5 more minutes’ of sleep, which I still long for in the present, even as my alarm clock is ringing. I admit it, being a morning person has never been my forte.

My mom used to walk my brother and I in the earlier years. But, surprisingly, around the third grade on, we walked to and from school with other kids from the neighborhood by ourselves.

Those were fun moments away from my parents. One time we were chatting so much, we lost track of time. Someone said, “what time is it?”. “It’s 8am”, another replied. “We have to hurry”, another said. “What for? We’re already late”, said another. We all looked at each other not knowing what to do, and then kept walking. (If my memory serves me well, I think we made it to school at a descent time.)

Getting to do my homework was a bigger challenge. My brother would get to it right away after lunch, and without needing help. He was the one who got straight A’s and excused from all final exams. He also had an artistic side which he expressed through cartoons and humor. He was a natural at all these.

Me, I just wanted to play a little before studying. You see, having discipline is a skill that needs to be developed. It wasn’t that I had a learning disability or anything; I was one that needed more time and patience, as well as organizing the assignments and else.

This didn’t go well with my mom. She having to sit and do homework with me took away time from her to do other things. And that bothered her, a lot. How much? Enough for her not to treat me well.

Seeing her anger and frustration towards me affected my self-esteem extremely (I had none) and created a self-fulfilling prophecy; the more I tried to be what she wanted me to be, the more I failed. So why try?

Instead of looking for a way that worked for me, or treated in a favorable way, I concentrated on avoiding mistakes or anything that would turn my mom against me.

Yep, my brother was her favorite and all I could was watch from the sidelines. I couldn’t understand why a guy was smarter than a girl. Without knowing it then, this was the beginning of my love-hate relationships with men.

With him I was hoping that some of his intelligence would miraculously come to me like osmosis and make me be like him. That way, all my problems will be solved.

It would take years later for me to understand my mom. For starters, she had a difficult relationship with her own mother, then add to the mix that her marriage was falling apart. Even more, she admitted to me when I reached adulthood that motherhood wasn’t something she enjoyed. Overall she wasn’t happy, and if I saw it, everyone else did.

As for my dad, he was more patient with my studies, but still wasn’t that happy when my grades were average. I don’t know if he understood my situation or thought I wasn’t giving it my all.

Whatever it was, homework became something I did because I had to, that’s it, much like making your bed or picking your toys. You didn’t thought about it, you just did it.

Although life at home was an unhappy one, my dad found relief in hunting and fishing since an early age. Incredibly, I found interest in doing the second (considering both are things guys do), and accompanied him in many trips around the island.

More than liking it, it gave me the chance to be away from it all and be myself for a few days. It also allowed me to see my dad in a much better light. We had in common enjoying being disconnected from the demands of our lives, which helped us bond greatly.

I also saw the beauty of nature through his eyes, and how planning ‘an expedition’ (as he used to call it) would teach me skills that always come in handy.

I didn’t know what my mission in life was back then, but if doing what guys do is the way to survive, then that’s the way to go.

But, wait, I’m a girl. How am I going to be ‘one of the guys’?

 

 

 

 

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“Let’s wrap this up,” said she. “Contrary to what you think, I feel the next year will be favorable.”

“So in the long run I will get married again?” asked I. She gives me a look of ‘no’. “No?? I’m not getting married again??”

“You will have (male) friends,” said she.

“But no marriage??” asked I again. “No??  Wow…” said I disappointed. (There will be two guys, and plenty others, but not one that will be ‘the one’? Dammit!!) “Will I at least be living with someone?”

“That’s something else. We all the need to be with somebody. That’s the same as the need to eat. We all want to have a good partner, even just to fight with, to be at our side,” said she.

“But the marriage part is not showing in the cards?” asked I.

“No. I still see the two guys; they’re not bad men,” said she.

“I’m not sure as of who these two are,” said I. “I was going out with someone until recently. But one day to the next, puff, he was gone. He later said that he was going through a divorce, that he has issues to work on. And I told him I wasn’t going to be his friend or anything since he already took me out of his life,” continued I.

“You will see that one,” continued she. (Not interested in that. I really hope he doesn’t even cross my path by accident.) “The stars incline, but do not oblige. You understand? A change will occur.” (That may well be, but I’m not changing my mind.)

“There’s a woman looking for you who envies you,” repeated her again. “She’s asking herself where you are, what’s your whereabouts. She has her man and that man had something to do with you. He had her, now he’s back with her. She knows who you are.”

“That’s the guy who’s isolated? I know a guy who used to be my lifelong friend. We were never a couple or had anything together. We were friends since adolescence,” replied I.

“He was living with a woman, he broke up with her, then was trying to get romantically involved with me, at the same time that he was seeing an ex-girlfriend of his without him telling me,” continued I.

“He later went back to that woman he had been living with. And that woman, she knows who that ex-girlfriend and I are,” said I. “She’s constantly searching what the ex-girlfriend and I are doing; she spends her whole day on that. More like obsessed. She hates that this guy and I were such close friends. She has bad intentions. She hates both of us.”

“She doesn’t have good intentions,” said the woman. “Look at these two cards, they keep showing up; they’re the most important ones. You will have good health foremost, men, job stability, a home, success. You will need to feel good about what you have.

People that are not well are those who are in a hospital or just want to stab you on the back. You know how to defend yourself. It might all not be what you hope for, but things will move forward.”

“So that guy might come back to… ask me for forgiveness?” asked I.

“‘Para comer mierda’ (to talk bullshit)”, replied she. “That’s it,” said she with a face of ‘that’s not happening’. “Know you know,” continued she. (So I was right all along. He might come back, but only to continue with his game of trying to trick me again.)

“So there’s two guys who will look for me?” asked I again to reconfirm.

“Yes, they want you, but to get what they want for their own benefit, not what you want,” answered she. (Of course…) “But, yet again, you never know; ‘matrimonio y mortaja, del cielo baja’ (marriage and shroud come down from the sky) as some would say. You might turn a corner and find someone. At first glance you might look at him and say ‘no’, but afterwards, who knows,” said she.

“But there’s still some time before that happens, right?” asked I. “Yes, some time,” replied she.

“So the marriage is not happening?” asked I again. “If not, there’s still the ‘juntera’ (coming together with someone),” said she.

“And the home will be to live with someone? And the kids?” asked I. “The children could be ‘postizos’ (belonging to someone else). I see children with you. You might not have the marriage, but other things will happen,” said she.

“So regarding that woman, you said she is sort of a witch. She’s thinking about me all the time,” said I. “‘Te tiene atravesada’ (someone who has pierced right through you),” replied she.

“And she tried to do some witchcraft on me? Has anything that she’s done caused any effect?” asked I. “She planted it (she lay the seeds). That she lay the foundation, she did. I saw it on the cards. Of course it has had some effect on you, even on your thoughts. Remember that the mind is very powerful,” said the woman.

“So what she wants from me is to…” said I. “Disappear. She wants you off her path,” replied she.

“I’m a threat to her, like you said,” continued I. “I live 4 hours away from this guy’s mother’s home. That’s what she feels threatened about. If it happens that the guy goes visit his mom, I can go there and see him.”

“That guy only wants from you to go out, dance, have a good time. Nothing else,” concluded she.

So there you have it. A guy who said that he wouldn’t allow anything or anyone (meaning the bitch) to come between our friendship, went back to a woman (who he said over and over that ‘she was on the side of the devil’) who wears her panties inside out (to which he referred to ‘a stupid thing to do’) as a way to ‘protect’ herself from someone else casting witchcraft on her.

He let go of my bestie and me to be with someone who wants me to go away, as in dead? You call this being religious, loving others? And you will come back just to bullshit me? Forget that!

Let me tell you this: any woman who does this underwear thing is disgusting. Her clothes are likely to be so stained that they deserve getting burned. She tried to do me harm, but in life, all comes back to you, and she will be the one that burns in hell in the end. Not even a chastity belt will save her.

Not only that, she’s a coward. If you are so confident about what you’re doing (the witchcraft, panties), why are you making equal effort to ‘protect’ yourself? Why do you keep throwing stones and hiding your hands?

Even more, she has less than zero self-esteem. Any woman who has been dumped by a guy who was behaving badly with other women for almost 2 years, when he was supposedly trying to save the relationship, and accepts him back like nothing has happened, is doing a disservice to herself.

You’re communicating that it’s okay to go back with a toxic guy who hated you and never loved your child, talked endless trash behind your back, and even was unfaithful to you with more women that you’ll ever know.

It has nothing to do with religion, faith, or getting what you want. It’s called having no love or respect for oneself. Is selling yourself short. It’s saying that there’s nothing better for you out there other than this person.

Is witchcraft all you’ve got? Yep, it is. You may have forgiven him, but you won’t forget that he left you once and can do it again, and dislikes your child to the max. How much? This guy once wanted to beat the living daylights out of your son, remember?

And if he hasn’t married you by now, he never will. You’re the one who should cast some crappy spell on yourself and disappear out of my life, including him.

And this goes to my ex-friend as well, of whom I remember never saying anything good about you, other than he liked ‘having a hot woman waiting for him at home when he got back from work’. This is not a woman you love, but merely a whore in disguise that you use to your convenience.

“I pity the fool that falls in love with you. / (Oh shit she’s a gold digger) / Well (Just thought you should know nigga) / (Ooooooh) / I’ve got some news for you / Fuck you and fuck her too. / And although there’s pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a… / Fuck you! / (Ooh, ooh, ooh)” –Cee Lo Green, Forget You

All things (good and bad) must come to an end and this is it for me and this guy. I’ve said all that I needed to say and I’m glad it’s over.

I lost a friend, gained a new one; been lied upon, found the truth; been falsely accused, found the real person within me; been cast a bad spell, received blessings from above.

I may not get all that I wish for as the spiritual lady said, but I have health, friends, a home, job, family.

Yes, the lady is right: I’m lucky in more ways than one. I have all that I need and it seems the best is yet to come. I will be grateful for everything (as she said I should) and can only look forward to what the future is holding for me.

It’s all a matter of how well you shuffle and play your deck of cards. That’s it. The end.



My friend was able to get himself together to enjoy our meals. I tried to take his mind away from his grandmother by talking about him and his job search. He was optimistic as always and confident that the right opportunity would come along.

And as usual, I avoided talking about my plans since I had none, because I had no idea what I was to do with myself.

My self-esteem then was one of being able to find and secure a job, but not enough talent to aspire a high level position.

My friend would try to encourage me by saying that once I graduated I was now a professional and that would set me apart from other people. That sounded very nice, but holding a diploma in my hand wasn’t going to change me immediately into a whole new person.

Still, I tried to hold those positive thoughts that even being confused about my future didn’t meant to lose faith of having a fulfilling life.

Before my friend left, we bought some boxed wine and sat close to sundown on a boardwalk next to a river and my residence.

I borrowed my roommate’s glasses and drinking that wine was the best I’ve had. It was one of those special moments I had with him, but this one was different from all others. There was a peacefulness and tranquility I hadn’t felt in a while.

I sort of looked at him more than that of a friend, maybe because I thought that’s what he wanted from me, but again nothing happened.

I’m sure that the people that walked by thought we were a couple. But that feeling of leaving things as they were became present once more. As the word literally implies, I was about to leave school and he in a day to who knows where.

It was as when leaving high school; there were paths that we both needed to travel again for ourselves before they could cross again, if that.

Sitting there with him was one of those moments you wished it could stay like that. His advice and protection had always leaded me the right way which didn’t want to lose.

It’s a feeling I’ve never forgotten that if it could have been bottled and preserved for the future, would have done it.

But as I would learn the hard way many years later, even if you kept things well taken care of in a box (like the wine), they all have an expiration date.

What I mean is that people change and with that their feelings. When you see inside that box, its contents have also changed. They age greatly to the point that it’s hard to believe those moments actually happened. And the worst part is that instead of bringing us joy, the pain is even greater than the good.

So what are we to do? What do we now make of the ‘then’?

I don’t know; maybe just closing the box and leave what’s inside as it is. Perhaps it’s getting a new one and filling it up with experiences we create ourselves, without leaning on others to make it happen.

Maybe that’s what it is: creating more boxes as we go along and storing them in our minds, only to be opened when really necessary.

Yep, if only life was that simple.



The ‘beach guy’ told me the location of the seminar, which is about at least a 3-hour drive. And if I was to drive on a Friday after work, who knows what the ETA would be.

Then there was the situation that I would get there late on Friday evening and then he would be at the seminar the whole next day. What the hell was I to do? Lounge at the pool?

And what about Sunday? Was he staying all weekend or driving back home right after the event was over?

So, in other words, his plan is to go through all that effort, including a nasty traffic on the highway, plus a good chunk of gas, in exchange of a few hours meeting to learn if ‘there’s still some chemistry here?’

Even more, there was another issue that was going around my mind. ‘Where you will be is not that close to me,’ wrote I on my text. ‘Even with no traffic it would be at least 3-hours drive. And, yes, I had basically written you off.’

That’s what it meant, literally, since our last ‘conversation’ was through texts because he never answered my calls.

‘Another thing,’ continued I, ‘what’s the deal with your girlfriend?’

‘We’re still together,’ said he, ‘but things are not doing well at all.’

No kidding. So I am now like a generic medication. You want to try this, plus the real thing, and see which gives you the best results for your problem.

I wasn’t surprised at what he told me, but still managed to get me somewhat upset. I think it had to do more with getting flashbacks to the past than getting dumped for someone else.

It was more of a realization that it wasn’t all that about what I felt about him in high school, but that then and now, the guy was just playing games with me and used me for his convenience, him knowing well how I felt about him.

‘I don’t like when guys dump me and then reappear,’ wrote I. ‘I’m not here for people to use me as leverage to compare their feelings.’

‘You’re right. I need to figure out or resolve my relationship. Maybe another time will be better.’

Yeah, like, when? When the ocean drags you in and washes you out?

Not even the strongest medication can alter the side effects of what I’m feeling inside towards you.

The best prescription for all these guys doing the same thing: take a daily of dose of patience, mixed with good self-esteem and love of oneself. Swallow slowly and wait for all to go away (men included).



I didn’t give up on my quest of finding a man after this minor incident. It was ironic to think that I wanted to meet a guy contemporary with my age and I was getting messages from 20-somethings as young as 21.

Looking at the ‘Visitors’, some were even as young as 18 and living abroad. Where’s the adult supervision here? For crying out loud, this is a child! Find someone your own age. You have no business in this dating site to begin with.

Let me see what the others look like or have to stay. I know it’s a waste of time even reading the messages. But since I’ve been unlucky with my search, at least feeling flattered for a few minutes it’s worth it.

‘What do you think about dating older men?’ read a message from a 23-year old. Oh, no, here we go again (that’s if I want to).

I checked out his profile and it read that he was doing his post-grad with the goal of becoming a doctor. What, another ‘beach guy’ headed my way? Please universe, not again!

In his main photo he was wearing this huge sunglasses and had very blond hair; bet he’s probably in a fabulous beach. In the second he was abroad. In the third he was shirtless with a beer in his hand, his tongue sticking out, and next to a guy. He was also in great shape and quite tall.

Let me guess, Spring Break with a ‘frat brother’ in Mexico. He definitely knows how to have fun.

I looked at all of them and started remembering my time in college and got mixed feelings. It was good in the sense that I away from home and finally had the opportunity of being myself.

But I didn’t know what I was to do afterwards, mainly because I was in the process of discovering who I was as a person, and had no sense of direction.

It took me a lot of years to get to a place that I was somewhat comfortable with myself and thought I had it all defined when I got married.

The result was that I ended up loosing all that I represented, to the point I was totally clueless about anything when my ‘past life’ ended.

I’ve been regaining my sense of self, esteem, and all that I am about, but have been a long and painful process.

I looked at the photos again and became sad. If I had the chance to go back in time and do it again, would I?

If I could go back to college with the present knowledge I have, yes. Doing it with the ‘blank canvas’ I was, not too sure.

I know that in going back you have your whole life ahead of you, but presently I still have that as well.

So, what am I doing with this one? Am I answering a message of a guy who seems to be the poster child of ‘party central’ or perhaps ‘globe trotter’?

Maybe I should do the same and stick my tongue out at him and this situation.



‘Hi, how are you?’ read his chat.

‘Fine; thanks. Was about to reply to your messages’, wrote I.

‘Noticed you were online, so thought it was the best way to speak with you, for now.’

This gave me an uneasy feeling. More than misinterpreting what another person might be trying to communicate, I felt I was somewhat spied upon. It’s as if he was purposely keeping an eye on me, waiting for me to appear.

And what does he mean ‘for now’? Sounds to me that he’s going to decide my fate based upon a few sentences.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked him.

‘Your profile needs work. You’re either covering things or don’t want to be so open about yourself just yet.’

I was right. He’s somewhat interested in me, but because my first impression wasn’t that extraordinary to him, he’s going to decide to either continue pursuing me or not right this moment.

Second of all, who the hell are you to judge me, even less over a dating site profile?

I got angry, but I’m not letting it show.

‘I gave this site a try recently. Putting some more time into it is not my priority these days,’ I wrote.

‘If you want to get anywhere with it, you have to.’

Is that so? Wonder if I should mention that I get messages from 20-somethings.

‘How long have you been on the dating scene?’ asked I.

‘7 years.’

Give me a freaking break!

‘7 years??’ asked I.

‘Yes, but on and off. Have had some relationships here and there.’

And they haven’t worked out because:
(a) You’re a dick.
(b) You think you’re God’s gift to the world.
(c) You’re approaching this site as if it was a bride mail-order catalog.
(d) You think women in general need re-working so they can adjust to your mold.

Answer is: All of the above; but especially the last, because I (and women who are very clear of who they are) will not follow your shopping list.

I did that my entire life, living my existence for others or doing what they expected me to do at the expense of losing my self-esteem and sense of who I was. The one who needs to make changes around here is he.

I didn’t respond to his last chat right away, so he realized I wasn’t happy.

‘I’ve used different dating sites throughout the years, but I’m not active all the time.’

Whatever, you blew it. Still no response from me.

‘When you update your profile, let me know,’ wrote he.

‘Yeah’ is all I said.

I don’t (or care to) remember who ended the chat. After that day we never communicated again.

About a month later his profile was closed. I wasn’t surprised or even wondered if he had found someone.

Regarding my profile, still the same as he saw it and with the 100 answered questions.

And the answer to what to do about all this: you have to keep on trying.



I wasn’t expecting for Madelyn to throw me a lifeline or anything related. But my initial encounter with Ricky does involve her.

Madelyn had invited me to an art event and, as usual, asked Dina to tag along as well.

I remember that time of my life very clearly. The dissolution had just occurred and I was an emotional wreck. I was trying to put a good face but it was just very hard for me to do that.

Madelyn and Dina were inviting me to anything even if it sounded like a crappy event. Dina would say that they would invite me because ‘I was the honey that attracted the bees.’ The real deal was that both were making endless efforts to distract me from my reality, which was very sad.

The rejection from the separation really affected my self-esteem. I had lost at least 15 pounds and my diet basically consisted of a cup of coffee and a glass of juice in the morning. That was it for the entire day.

I was avoiding looking at myself in the mirror because I didn’t found myself pretty inside or outside.

Trying to dress up to go out was even more difficult. Nothing that I wore could make me feel good.

I don’t know how, but I managed to pick something simple and safe, a white sleeveless dress. It didn’t say much, which in a manner correlated with my life at the time.

‘I’m a divorced woman,’ was all that kept popping in my head. Whatever else crossed my mind is now a blur and can’t remember any of it.



et cetera