The Ex-Friend 6 – Life as we don’t know it

Fast forward a couple of years later and this time my ‘x’ left me and filed for divorce. It was a very difficult time. My father had passed suddenly early that year; my boss had made my work miserable from day one, and with my life falling apart because of these two events, he took advantage of doing everything in his power to make my performance suffer even more.

Within a 6-8 month period, the divorce was finalized, lost my job, and I moved out of my home and all that my life represented to that point.

Eventually I moved into an apartment; it was the first time ever I’ve been on my own and taking responsibility for everything.

I don’t know where my friend was in all this. My first memory into single life was he calling me to the apartment letting me know he had accepted a job in the Northeast and was already there.

He also called to introduce me to ‘his family’: a woman and son who would be living with him. Even more, he put her on the phone so we would meet.

I was so overwhelmed I didn’t question him on any details of how it all came to happen. I don’t even know (or remember) what he said about me, or our friendship, to this woman.

When she spoke to me she sounded OK, nothing then that impressed me or raised a red flag.

I was probably more concerned about losing our friendship than anything else, especially now, plus I trusted him he would do the right thing, or so I thought.

Once we both settled down, the calls went back to the usual routine. But now we would discuss our emotions more now that my relationship ended and he was in one that he referred to as ‘a marriage without papers’.

We kept supporting each other and would tell each ‘we would be fine’. But such a statement was easier said than done.

We were now more than 10 years older, gone through too many rough moments and in a stage in our lives that anything we set out to do could go either way.

Gone were the years that you felt you could overcome anything that was thrown at you, that there was a way to make things better, that by putting your best effort, you would get what you hoped for.

It was a time of ‘let’s see what happens’ and of knowing that all that had significance to you could be lost in an instance; leaving you with scars that not even the best medicine could heal.

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The Ex-Friend 5 – Making a move

My time abroad was short lived. Six months into being there, things changed on the project my then husband was working, so it was best to leave, but this time we were to go to the U.S., to the state he was born and raised.

It was a move I always wanted to do, but the transition wasn’t easy. We didn’t have a job, were living with family and me adjusting wasn’t easy.

I didn’t have anything in common with family and friends; had no credit to show for myself, so getting even a store card wasn’t happening. My job experience was in another country and was even questioned if my studies were done at an accredited school.

We were starting from zero when other couples were already settled down. There was a lot going on that would eventually burst the bubble years later.

Eventually all would level down, including moving into a home and reconnecting with my friend. I have no recollection how I learned he had also moved to the states to work with the same company, or how I got his personal and work phone numbers.

I would communicate with him the same way as before, leaving a message and waiting for him to call back. When we spoke, the topics were always the usual and discussed in the same order: how we were, how was work, family, and any news that was important to share.

But this time I was doing the calls from a home office when my ‘x’ wasn’t around. He had expressed to me that he didn’t liked me speaking with my male friends, even though he knew nothing ever happened between us. I resented my ‘x’ deeply for this, but tried to manage it the best way possible.

As time progressed, my then friend switched jobs about 3 times. I think he lost the job with the airline, went back home, then worked with a cargo company, and came back to the states yet again.

One occasion he was here in town for work and all 3 of us had dinner together. It was great seeing him. My ‘x’ didn’t spoke a word the whole night.

There was a second time my friend was in town, but it was during the first period that my ‘x’ left home. I was so confused and scared, I declined having dinner with him, fearing it would make matters worth with my situation. That’s how overwhelmed I was. This was probably the first time I said ‘no’ to my friend.

I don’t recall how much I told him about what was happening or if he commented anything about it, but I would imagine he made himself available for anything he could do for me.

Maybe he didn’t say much because of how delicate the situation was. One thing’s for sure and that was that he would always be on my side, no matter how bad things turned out for me.

He was my friend, period, in the good and bad, for better or worse, in sickness and health, until another kind of ‘death’ did us part.

Something About Me 24 – The separation remains

“Emma, when I contacted you I had no other goal than knowing how you were and maybe keeping in touch from time to time. I never thought that by doing so it would bring back feelings for you in the way that they have. You don’t know how much I wish I could see you again.”

“The thing is that we live in separate states. Even if you eventually became single, you would still need time to recover.

It has taken me a long time to finally settle down after my divorce. I gave up all before to be with a guy and I’m not doing that at this time. My plans are to stay where I am.

It’s like our whole experience is repeating again. I guess life took care of it by not allowing us to be together because it wasn’t meant to be.”

“Please don’t say that we will never see each other again. I get it, you don’t need to be any more hurt than what you already are, and I wouldn’t hold on to the impossible. Feeling the way you do is the same mechanism you used in school to deal with it.

But I care for you, and this time I’m not going away. I want to be part of your life somehow, that is, if you want me to.”

“I can’t express to you how I feel, even less give closure to this new experience. How can I then define what you could be in my life? I don’t know. I never thought I would have to deal with something like this; not now, not this way.”

Something About Me 10 – Dream the dream

I did not get a reply with a picture as I hoped for. Instead, I had a dream. In it, I saw him, his spouse and child. I don’t recall that I was involved in the dynamics of what they were doing.

I was sitting on the side, looking at all this as if I was watching a movie on a small screen. They were so happy and I was smiling, but it wasn’t one of a complete glee.

I was envious of them. I was feeling it again, wanting that, all that and more that makes him happy.

When I woke up I was confused. Why was I sitting on the side and not part of the group? Why did my mind bring this up again? I know he’s settled and content with the life he has. So why did I had to ‘see it’ for myself in a dream to reassure myself?

Now the feelings I thought I was able to start putting to rest sort of came back. I was feeling sad of all lost or perhaps what I never got to have when I was married.

Probably I just needed to ‘picture it’ and learn that, yes, I will fulfill my dream of settling again, having a house and family, and be happy.

I needed to see it through others so I know it is possible. And it will if I set ‘my mind’ and soul into it, because if I visualize, it will happen.

Now that’s something worth dreaming about.