The New M.E. Generation











About 2 weeks later, I came across LZ1 again while en route to work. I was surprised how fast it happened from the last one.

I was driving in the center lane, as usual. He quickly appeared to my right and, for a few seconds, we were almost side by side before he speeded up to change lanes, looking for open road to drive faster.

He didn’t notice me because I was in my new car, a dark blue 4-door different from the previous gray 2-door, which made me stand out in a whole other way in all the years I had the other one. Plus I was wearing my hair in a ponytail, which made me less recognizable at first sight.

Me: “Morning”. My car chase began, but he really stepped on it that day, so much it made it hard for me to catch up with him.

Incredibly, I managed to get right behind him when he switched to my lane and the car behind his moved aside.

I hit another red light. I couldn’t see if he was looking around for me like the day of the ‘I’m a ghost’ episode.

I even went as far as taking many photos of the back of his car and making gestures to see if he noticed the presence of someone behind him.

A few more lights later, he then moved to the left, and I was able to get right next to him.

He was completely oblivious to his surroundings, pretty much like everyone else. I had to wave my hand a little more than needed to wake him up from his limbo.

When he finally sees me, he waves back enthusiastically, with a face of surprise like those of ‘hey, how are you?!’. I then changed my hand gesture to one of ‘I’ll be seeing you’ and kept going.

Him (about 5 minutes later): “I see. New car. Nice one. Morning.”

Me: “Time changes everything. Was behind you for long.” I then forwarded a photo of the back of his car with the infamous “Led Zep1” plate.

Him: “I see that now. Had no idea.

Me (with a quote from the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off): “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Him: “Yep.”

Me: “Well, it was nice seeing you again.”

Him: “Same here.”

Me: “Still dealing with your grand problem?”

(Recap: when he sent me the text that he couldn’t see me any more, he made a mention about a big problem he has regarding work that hasn’t been resolved, plus another one that has come up which made matters worse. So much, according to him, that they would make it very difficult for him to be with me.

He also said, ‘don’t want to talk about it’, so I will never know if such situation is true, or just a mere story he came up with to look legit and let go of me without looking like an ass. I’ll settle for the second.)

Him: “Somewhat, but things have settled down quite a bit.”

Me: “Good.”

I waited for him to continue the conversation as he has done before (as in maybe him opening up somewhat about what is really happening in his life), or just say any random thing. But no; that was it.

By this time I was already at work, so I knew that the best thing to do was just end the chat in a ‘good note’ and keep on with my day.

So the question is, once more, what will I do if I come across him again, if that? Not sure. All I know is that everything has a start and finish (like a car race).

This happens because we either take action on it, or the universe does it for us when it decides that now is the time for that.

If it understands that there’s still something pending, being today or in the next millennium, it will make us ‘race’ for it and ‘cross the finish line’ until it gets resolved.

Start your engines!

 

 

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{January 23, 2017}   The Swipe 18 – Having E.D.

I kept seeing Bob after the boating (and bad comment) day. Surprisingly, I managed to put the incident aside, which is a first for me.

Fact is, Bob was a contradiction within himself. Up until then he had been respectful and well-mannered, always asking me how I would feel about doing anything, including holding my hand one night when we went out to eat. And then the incident happened.

It was like a dual personality in which the second gets quickly triggered by something, to then going back to your original one in an instance.

Regarding holding hands, it wasn’t exactly smooth sailing for me either. It was another thing I hadn’t done in quite some time, but decided to do it to find out how it now felt.

Honestly, it was a mid-point reaction for me; it didn’t felt as great as I hoped for, nor something I wouldn’t do again with him.

There was an obvious six degrees of separation within me towards Bob when we took a stroll together one night. I even sat across from him at a restaurant table, not side by side. I was close to him, but not that close in reality.

Heck, maybe my mind still had his awful comment on high alert, making me pull away as a subconscious self-defense mechanism.

All the while neither Bob and I had commented to anyone that we were dating, not even the couple friend of mine.

Eventually Bob showed the husband the selfie of our first night out. Bob said the guy reacted with surprise that there was a female in the picture. Bob then told him to look closer at the photo and when realizing who it was, he then reacted with more surprise.

But what was surprising to me was that I was sure my GF would call me immediately upon learning about it, which didn’t happen. There was no mention of it, even on one time she and I went to dinner by ourselves.

Bob even said that he had suggested to my GF’s husband that we should all go out to eat together, to which he agreed, but a tentative date was not set.

From this point forward, this is how I remember the next sequence of events. I met with Bob for dinner on a Thursday because he had plans the following evening to meet with his children.

It had been a long work week for me and after getting a slight buzz from a very cold beer, I blurt out to him, “do you have any hair left on your head?” (Hey, he had the nerve of saying something out of line and now it’s my turn, don’t you think?)

He gave me a puzzled look and responded that he still had some, but that he preferred to just shave it off every day.

I kept staring at him and felt like asking, “why?? don’t you miss having a full set?” Oops, talking about having a bad hair day.

Saturday came and I was watching the Olympics, as a female athlete from home was to compete for the Gold medal, the first one for us.

I spoke with Bob sometime before it and his tone of voice sounded very disconnected. At no point did he invited me to his home or showed any enthusiasm when I told him about the match. It was like his alter ego had showed up again.

The game happened; we won. I cheered and cried like a baby, even took a video of the medal ceremony. I called Bob shortly after.

“Did you see it??? We won!!! OMG, this is so awesome…” I kept on and on. He listened to me, but was totally emotionless. There was never an instance of him saying something like “congrats” or “great” that would equal the immense joy of the moment. He didn’t give a shit about it.

He had disappointed me a second time, but I let it pass again because of how great I was feeling.

I believe I called him the next day just to say hello. I even asked him if he wanted some company, to which he replied, “I’m doing laundry”.

Damn dude, you probably wash your clothes in cold water because I just felt getting soaked with that right now. Do you know what a ‘fabric softener’ is by any chance?

I didn’t say anything again, but it was the third time that he was a dick.

I was so upset I even consulted with my bestie (please see The Ex-Friend story) to get her opinion.

“Guys nowadays have no fucking idea of what they want,” said she. “That being said, how can they have a relationship with anyone? I know this situation sucks, but like I have told you before, better now than later. I think this guy’s problem is that he has E.D.”

“Make it more emotional dysfunction,” replied I. “It happens all the time. It all starts well and one day to the next they disappear without warning. I know the distance is a big issue for me and most probably would have become a decisive factor in the long run, but if you don’t want to keep going forward, just say it and we’ll part ways.”

“That’s why they’re dysfunctional. They’re using the wrong head to do anything,” continued she.

Whatever the reason, I wrapped around my own head the thought that this had come to an end. Even if this was bound to fail, it’s still upsetting that it’s a repeated pattern with the guys that have become present in my life.

I’m being flexible, open, letting things go with the flow, not take things so personal as my GF’s have told me, but there’s still these ‘spots’ with my connections that won’t go away even with the best bleach.

So what I’m supposed to do now? Switch detergents? Could be, but one thing I will do for sure is this: Read the label before using.

 

 

 

 



Continuing with the laughable posts, then there were those when this guy and the bitch would go out to a bar or restaurant. The photos were pretty much the same: them two sitting side by side on the table or standing up, she putting her arms on his shoulders, he with his arms crossed or palms closed on the table without making contact, looking away from her, sometimes with a funny look on his face.

“Look how glassy his eyes are. He’s had more than a few drinks and has a buzz. So typical of him,” said my bestie. “Worst of all, all those locations he appears at, he took me there when I visited him. He probably did it on purpose hoping to come across with that bitch and make her jealous. ”

“Really?? He probably did the same with me when I was at his mom’s. What an asshole!” said I. “It always puzzled me, and made me uncomfortable, the times we would see each other that either we had to go out for drinks, or would be drinking one glass after the other like water at his mom’s house. They would be too loaded for my taste and could only take a few sips.

Even after telling him that I didn’t want to drink, he would offer it again over and over. I don’t remember him being that way before. He liked to have a few beers with me and that was it.

He even told me that when he was living with the bitch, they wouldn’t go out much because they lived in an expensive city. But that once in a while they forced themselves to go out and have just one drink.”

“If I was in his shoes I would be much the same,” said she. “He might be pretending all that he wants, even liking anything that bitch posts, but he’s not that happy as he’s portraying to be.”

“I agree, said I. “Look at his body posture. When someone is with their arms or hands closed, it means they’re hiding something, that are not being honest. His shoulders are down because of her arms holding him like if he was some property of her. And there’s always a gap in their bodies; they’re not touching completely, which means distancing.

And that photo of him standing up, he looks like an old man about to fall down and his caretaker is holding him to avoid that. Those glassy eyes makes him look like his mind is totally gone or has no idea where he is. The hands look bloated like somebody that has some medical condition. But, he’s still with her. Unbelievable.”

“Because it’s easier to go back to what’s familiar to you,” said she. “He couldn’t score anything with you. Me, I did want to be with him, but not on his terms. I wasn’t willing to let him control the relationship. I told him that if it happened, he had to change a lot of things about himself. He got upset about that and tried to turn the situation around against me, but I quickly put him on the spot.

He kept saying that, ‘this is the way I’ve been and will always be’, that ‘my OCD doesn’t let me do things differently’, that ‘the way I am has worked for me’. But he knows I don’t buy any of that, and was not going to feel sorry for him and let him manipulate me.

Being with the bitch works for him because he thinks he’s in charge. Because she behaves ‘como foca de circo’ (like a seal in the circus), that applauds him on whatever he says and does, that’s why it ‘works’.

Also, he always said that ‘él es un enfermito’ (he’s a kinky guy). It’s better to just reach for her and get what you need, instead of having to start from scratch with a stranger. I mean, look at him, who wants to be with him, especially with that religious fanaticism and unstable life?”, continued she.

“When he visited me and wondered if he could share my bed with me, it didn’t make me feel good. He had always told me to be choosy about the guys I would be with at any level. I may know him since being an adolescent, but his proposal gave me the same uneasy feeling as with any other man. It was like he was violating my trust for him. Besides, just thinking that he had sex with that bitch disgusts me. No way will I do it with him,” continued I.

“I really wish their relationship explodes big time, especially from her side. He kept telling me that she wanted to live in a way that was beyond their means. She likes getting her nails done weekly, buy nice jewelry, go out to restaurants. I hope when things financially get really bad and she realizes that her dream lifestyle will never be, she ends up leaving him,” said my BFF.

“She won’t leave him as long as you and I are on the loop,” said I. “If she does, in her mind it means she lost and it’s an open field for you to come back into play. And I’m 4 hours away from his mom’s house, which is also a threat to her. Plus she’s an attention whore; she has to keep up the drama in front of her peeps.

But when you’re in a toxic relationship, this is what happens. They’ll go down one day like you’ve said before. It will not end well.”

“You know what I thought about one time? Asking him to meet me in a hotel and when he opens the door, then both of us are there. I can just imagine his face when he sees us,” said she.

“Don’t worry. There will come a time that you and I will get the chance to get back at him, either in person or online. We’ll just know,” continued I. “A plan will be made and executed, guaranteed to give them both a big slap on the face. But as he always said, ‘calladita te ves más bonita’ (being quiet makes you look prettier),” concluded I.

Yep, pretty as in smart, intelligent, well-mannered, classy, and soon-t0-be, smart-ass.

‘I feel pretty, oh so pretty…’

 



Some people believe that when we sleep, our souls leave our bodies to wander and, at many times, go to places or find people that otherwise would be impossible to do in our present state of existence. These encounters are presented through our dreams.

If such is real, I then journeyed to find him, the guy who ‘unfriended’ me. And I did.

From what I remember, it was a brief dream. We were both walking slowly side by side on a city street.

It was winter and he was wearing a brown suede jacket. Our hands were inside our coat pockets and looking straight ahead at all times. Other people passed us by.

This occurred in the present time because he was discussing with me the incident that lead to the ending of our friendship.

I was still upset, but was listening to him objectively. I allowed him to speak and I kept quiet while he did.

That’s all I remember.

I had mixed feelings when I woke up. There was a part of me that was glad we finally had the conversation I wanted. But I don’t think I got the resolution I needed.

I didn’t forgive him for what he did, and I never heard something truly important to me: that he had feelings for me back then and now.

I need to believe that what we shared in college was real. I know in part I was in need of affection, but had I not felt the way I did when we reconnected, I wouldn’t feel the way I do now.

Part of the reason for the friendship ending is that he had to ‘delete’ his feelings for me because he can only have them for his spouse.

At times I still question, did he ever love me? Or did our present chemistry was as a result of me helping him reconnect with who he was and those moments that made college so special to him?

Possibly (for both), and I’m just holding on to something that probably won’t happen; getting to hear ‘Emma, I did love you’.

I won’t deny that I still think about him, but not as often as I used to. I wonder if he does the same. We haven’t communicated for a while and probably will remain that way.

If what I said in the beginning is true, I can only wish we might find each other again, even for another moment, in a place we can finally embrace, away from everything and everyone we know. A place where we can be ourselves, that will allow me to forgive him and finally let him go.

What a soulful experience that would be.



et cetera