The New M.E. Generation











After learning that he’s single, again, I started wondering how interested this guy really is about seeing me. I know his ‘last minute’ appearances will never work for me, so, can anything happen whenever he’s not complicated, if there is such a time like that?

Me: “I was thinking that you don’t have to wait for one of your work trips to come this way.”

Him: “No. I don’t. Right now I can’t leave because I have a super sick patient and have to be available for him. I haven’t had time for myself.”

(Recap: In the past, whenever I invited him, he always had an excuse, mostly that he was busy with his kids. Honestly, don’t know how he has managed to be with anyone, period.)

Me: “Just a thought.”

Him: “Good thought.” (At least he didn’t say no to it.)

A few days later, while driving home from work, I hear “Come Sail Away” on the radio. I texted him about the song and his high school Farewell Assembly later in the evening.

Me: “You were sitting in the front row. Wore like a light brown suit. You got like 4 cards. One was mine. You got surprised and later got sort of teary eyed when you read them. If I recall correctly.”

I skipped mentioning the end part of the activity when I got up on stage, shed a few tears myself, and he sort of broke into a dance while the song was being played.

Him: “That was me.” (As in ‘that’s who I was then’ or ‘that is indeed the person you’re referring to’?)

As other memories crossed my mind, the interest of me seeing him slightly grew. Problem is, according to him he’s too busy to come here, and he has never invited me to go his way.

So as I have done since always, I debated whether or not to say that I could go visit him. I know it’s been about 2 years since I last heard of him, that I shouldn’t base things on the past, and the chances of this happening are zero to none, but…

Me: “Perhaps I could go your way sometime in the future?”

Him: “Perhaps. You can drive your new car although that’s a lot of miles to put on a lease.” (So that means ‘no’?)

He forwards me a map of his location and the shortest route is basically 4 hours away. That is, if you don’t make any stops.

Me: “I’m not talking about doing it all the time. At least once.”

I do appreciate his concern about my lease. But I got the vehicle almost 3 months ago and I’m only driving it short distances, so there’s plenty of miles to go before even getting close to my yearly limit.

And using my transportation situation as the reason for me not visiting him raises a huge red flag. It makes me believe that he’s hiding something and is not as single as he claims to be. I didn’t get a good feeling about it, so I left it at that for now.

With all honesty, I wish I could make this trip, not because of him, but for myself. You see, the beach is where it all began. It’s where I met him, shared the nice moments, and even got to see him for who he really was.

I too learned about a side of myself that I didn’t know I had, which would be nice for me to rediscover. I know I can’t bring back the past, but I believe me there together will finally allow me to say what needs to be said and move on.

All I’m asking from the universe is just this one time, because “if you do it right, once is enough.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Another 2 days went by before I got another reply, this time around 4am and still on a work week.

I wondered again if he was getting up or going to bed and what his whereabouts were. In other words, were you at home or, most probably, somebody else’s place?

Back in my days when I was doing my undergrad and living on campus, if you returned very late to your room, it had to be that you were either at the library (that was the main excuse everyone used) studying or writing a paper, or at the computer center.

Yes, I said the computer center. That’s where people went to type their papers before personal ones became a normal thing to have. And the place was open (I believe) until midnight or beyond.

If those 2 locations weren’t it, then it meant you were probably having some sort of relationship with someone else and managed to spend the night with that person. You either convinced the other roommate to go sleep somewhere else, or that other person slept in your bed with the roommate there as well.

Doing the second was no easy task, as having roommates was difficult per se and meant losing more of the little space and privacy you already had.

Then there was the situation if anyone called you. It was one phone paid by many and the calls were usually from parents, family, or significant others living at school or not.

The calls would mostly occur after 10pm as they knew all classes were done for the day, you already had dinner, etc.

But, that was not always the case. If you took the call, you had the misfortune of telling the caller that your roommate wasn’t there and that you didn’t know where she was, either that was true or not.

It was an uncomfortable situation because you always sounded as you were lying and hiding something.

Then there was the task of having to call them back and explain yourself. After saying ‘you were studying’, things would quiet down until the same scenario happened again.

Yes, it was a time that keeping track of others was no easy task, but is it that different now? Not really, except that all devices are personal and mobile, and you have total control in how you manage them.

In a way it’s harder as no one else knows what you’re doing, that is, if you keep it quiet to yourself.

So what am I thinking right now? That he probably had some chemistry with a girl in his biology class and decided to take it beyond the books. After all, he’s young, good looking and has goals for the future. What girl wouldn’t like that?

This got me thinking; this guy got my attention not necessarily for his merits, but because it’s making me remember my time in college.

That was a special time, as I finally got a chance to be on my own and started to discover who I really was, just like when I became single again.

The negative part is the age difference, which is making me feel old, and that feeling is not good at all.

I may have reversed the effects of what I’ve gone through, but there’s no ‘time’ capsule for the other half of the equation.

You have to swallow it no matter what.



I think I finally called Ivan around 11pm on a weekday. Sometimes he does answer and when he does, he sounds like he just got out of hibernation.

He’s in this world, but so tired I can tell by his voice that he wished he were ‘in a place far, far away’.

Well, I don’t blame him. Don’t we all feel this way sometimes?

Starting with me, I’ve thought about this many times. Even some people have encouraged me to do so. They have suggested that I should consider moving to another state and start over.

They all ask me the same question: What is holding you here?

I may not have much of a life here with my so-called job, few friends and family, and almost non-existent social life.

But I’ve made of my space the best thing possible, enough to make my daily time worthwhile without putting too much thought into it.

I won’t deny there are moments when I totally despise every part of it and wonder what my future holds. I also know that others have it worse than me and I have much to be grateful for.

But, I have visited other cities and, for some reason, none have given me that indicative that this is where I should be.

I have made of my current location home and it seems it will be that way for a while. In a weird, inexplicable way, I sort of like it here.

Is it really or is there something else? Am I fooling myself when the real reason behind all this is that I’m scared of making another drastic change?

Not sure. Some years have passed since I became single again and feel pretty good about myself, so why not go for it?

Maybe that extraordinary experience that I’ve been waiting so much for could actually happen soon. And if I leave, it won’t.

Fine, call me a dreamer or whatever crosses your mind. I think it’s not time, not just yet. When will that be, if that?

I’ll just say, I’ll give it some more time.



‘Hi Johann!! I can’t believe it’s you!’ I replied to the email. ‘Would you believe I have been looking for you? You were nowhere to be found. So glad you reached out to me. What’s going on with you?’

I summarized my life from when I last knew about him until now, leaving all the negative aspects out and concentrating more on how happy I was that we had reconnected.

He replied the next day expressing surprise about my search and was equally happy that he had found me. He was still married and has three children, all pretty much grown up. He is still in the navy and living in the same place.

I got the sense that his life was well and stable, that he hasn’t had that much disappointments or difficult times. It was the same feeling that he used to convey when we used to write each other.

Thinking about that made me feel envious of him. It has been years since I’ve had a happy moment or interesting experience to remember.

He had everything I strived for: a family, home, tranquil life. I have none of that and haven’t had a relationship since becoming single again.

What’s his secret? Why can’t I have a life like that? At least I am glad that one of those who have a good one is he because he deserves it.

He was a great friend before and now knowing that he was actually looking for me makes me feel good. It’s wonderful to know that he’s one of many whom I touched their loved before, never forgot me, and now want me back into their lives.

It’s another validation that this journey of finding myself again has been all worth it. Hey, it’s a work in progress, but can’t wait to get there.

Hopefully now we won’t disconnect again.



et cetera