The New M.E. Generation

Some people believe that when we sleep, our souls leave our bodies to wander and, at many times, go to places or find people that otherwise would be impossible to do in our present state of existence. These encounters are presented through our dreams.

If such is real, I then journeyed to find him, the guy who ‘unfriended’ me. And I did.

From what I remember, it was a brief dream. We were both walking slowly side by side on a city street.

It was winter and he was wearing a brown suede jacket. Our hands were inside our coat pockets and looking straight ahead at all times. Other people passed us by.

This occurred in the present time because he was discussing with me the incident that lead to the ending of our friendship.

I was still upset, but was listening to him objectively. I allowed him to speak and I kept quiet while he did.

That’s all I remember.

I had mixed feelings when I woke up. There was a part of me that was glad we finally had the conversation I wanted. But I don’t think I got the resolution I needed.

I didn’t forgive him for what he did, and I never heard something truly important to me: that he had feelings for me back then and now.

I need to believe that what we shared in college was real. I know in part I was in need of affection, but had I not felt the way I did when we reconnected, I wouldn’t feel the way I do now.

Part of the reason for the friendship ending is that he had to ‘delete’ his feelings for me because he can only have them for his spouse.

At times I still question, did he ever love me? Or did our present chemistry was as a result of me helping him reconnect with who he was and those moments that made college so special to him?

Possibly (for both), and I’m just holding on to something that probably won’t happen; getting to hear ‘Emma, I did love you’.

I won’t deny that I still think about him, but not as often as I used to. I wonder if he does the same. We haven’t communicated for a while and probably will remain that way.

If what I said in the beginning is true, I can only wish we might find each other again, even for another moment, in a place we can finally embrace, away from everything and everyone we know. A place where we can be ourselves, that will allow me to forgive him and finally let him go.

What a soulful experience that would be.

et cetera