The New M.E. Generation

The next memory of the day was taking a break for lunch.

We all left the bar to another location and I remember that I sat on a table somewhat far from him. I had a direct view of him and I kept staring at him at all times. It was as if I was looking at something larger than life.

I have no recollection if there had been any exchange of words yet. I didn’t even have the courage to approach him either.

There he was in his own world and me on the other side keeping a distance because I probably thought that was the right thing to do. I was not up to his level and that’s how it was to remain.

Besides, what did I have that could have impressed him? From where I was sitting, his life was just perfect. Mine was just a big question mark.

I kept looking wondering why I couldn’t be like him, someone who just knew what he wanted and how it was to be accomplished.

He embodied everything I wasn’t and I had no idea how to turn it around and make it happen for myself.

In other words, how am I making it to the other side if I’m stuck where I am right now?

I did take a break of speaking with Alex for a while, and so did he. I had no idea of his whereabouts, and his lack of communication made me feel he was still pretty upset with me.

I kept telling myself that the best thing to do was not making any effort in contacting him in any way. But Thanksgiving was coming up and the sentiment behind this holiday was making me reconsider this situation.

For me it was a time to put aside all those bad feelings and come together for the blessings received during the year. This included having meeting him and his friendship.

Maybe the timing is perfect to clear out all that happened before and start (or end) in a much favorable way.

But I was wrong, yet again. He didn’t answer my call nor returned it, leaving me with a bittersweet aftertaste. It made me feel he was still totally upset with me. Even more, he couldn’t put aside how he felt and appreciate my ‘peace treaty’ attempt.

I can accept he doesn’t want anything with me, but not even having the courtesy to thank me and wish me well? Ouch! That’s such a killer.

So, in the end, I ‘ended’ where it all started; alone and without a friend, guy or anything. He made his choice and there’s nothing else for me to do.

I tried to come to terms with it and can only conclude that it was not meant to be. Blame it on timing, our insecurities, our past, the change of weather, whatever.

Was it worth it? Don’t know and I’m not going to dwell on it.

All I can say is, ‘it happened.’ That’s it.

“Hey girl,” said Madelyn, “what story do you have for me today?”

“Dina held a birthday celebration the other night.”

“Yeah…and what else?”

“What do you mean?”

“That there’s a guy intertwined in what you’re about to share with me. Doesn’t it always have to do with a guy?”

“Damn, you’re good,” I said.

“At times I know you better than you know yourself.” (Damn again, she really is that good.) “But I’m always intrigued in knowing the new chapters of your ‘love adventures.’”

“They haven’t exactly been that, you know that.”

“Oh, just tell me about it. I need to have a good laugh.”

“All right, this is what happened…” (I told her the whole story.)

Madelyn laughed hard over the phone. “What Dina did is so her. I would have done the same. So how do you feel about it?”

“I wasn’t happy with her pushing the guy over me. I didn’t go to her birthday with the hope of meeting a guy. I just wanted to have fun and that’s it.” (I took a pause.) “I can’t believe I actually said that.”

“Well, sweetie, you have had quite an overload of experiences one after the other. I think you got burned out and are taking a break.”

“Yeah, I’m emotionally exhausted. I haven’t gone out much lately because I am trying to stay away from situations just like this one.”

“But there’s nothing wrong on what you’re doing.”

“I know, but there are days that I wish I could have a conversation with someone while having my meal besides watching TV. And there are others that I don’t feel like sharing my space with anyone.

My lack of interest for Jesse has nothing to do with his age, or me being a cougar (or not), or doing the right thing or supposed to do. It’s just that I have stopped believing in finding true love all together.

I don’t regret the experiences I’ve had with the other guys in the past. But, in essence, none of them turned into anything worthwhile. So it’s like each moment is a constant repetition of the one before, and, for now, I just don’t want to live them again.”

“Whoa, that’s deep! I don’t recall you ever talking with such a profound analysis. But there’s more to it, isn’t it?”

You’re right about that too, again.

et cetera