The New M.E. Generation











The next day we exchanged texts again about other random things. Don’t recall what we were chatting about when he says: “I’m sure you’re still as beautiful as ever”.

I was one of those ‘ahhh’ moments that shook me to my core. One of those when you had completely forgotten how good it feels like when reading such a thought like that. And, how are you supposed to respond to such a message?

Honestly, my mind went blank about what to say other than thanking him. Since I’ve never been able to ‘go below the surface’ and find out what he’s really made of, I felt me opening about my feelings now was not the right thing to do.

Another few days later, again talking nonsense, I finally braved up to say: “I was meaning to ask you. Are you seeing anyone?”

He: “Nah.”

Me: “No nurses?” (Recap: he once got involved with another, probably one of many. When I saw on social media that he sent roses to her for Valentine’s and she posted the photo of the arrangement along with all this romantic text thanking him, I unfriended him immediately. I learned later on that when he tried to break-up with her, she threatened to kill herself. This may sound like a General Hospital episode, but no surprise here.

One word: Karma. It’s not the first time that guys say they’re not interested in me, to then hook up with some chick that later turned out to be a psycho bitch, to then reappear as if nothing has happened.’)

Him: “No nurses. Had a GF nurse. Broke up about 4-5 weeks ago.”

(So that’s why he came back… I told you so that there was something more here!)

Him: “I don’t do liars or cheaters.”

Me: “She cheated on you?”

Him: “Yup.”

Me: “Ouch! How did you find out?” (Karma. Again. And I didn’t say I was sorry for what happened to him because I’m not.)

Him: “I went to leave a love note in her wallet and there was someone else’s love note in there.” (Dude, you can’t go into other people’s things! Did you check her phone too while you were at it?)

And, what? He revealed his feelings? He expressed them on paper? Whoa!

But, Karma, again, of course. You never really wanted me and now life is getting back at you. Hurts doesn’t it? Wouldn’t be surprised it was that extremely bleached blond from your photo in the boat.

I don’t remember him being romantic with me, ever. I, on the other hand, was the one who once did write a note to him.

When my school held the annual Farewell Assembly for his graduating class, the custom was that you could send, and had delivered, cards and else from other students.

I decided to send him a card; I debated first whether it was worth doing it or not. After deciding to do so, I then had difficulty deciding what to say beyond the expected congratulations and well wishes.

I probably wrote something to the extent that ‘I will never forget you’, ‘Will miss you’, or ‘You’ll always have a friend here’. Thoughts that we tell others, but not always follow through later on.

Thoughts that in the heat of the moment touch our hearts greatly, to later maybe get forgotten once the day is over and the cards are put away, and we walk out the door towards the next chapter of our life.

I remember the event being held in the auditorium with people from the 7-11 grades. His class was sitting on the stage in about 4 rows of chairs. He happened to be on the first row towards stage left. He was wearing like a light brown suit with the darkest of tans.

My class was also sitting to that side, so I had a good view of him. When someone stood in front of him to give him the envelopes, he first had a look of ‘oh, for me?’. He held his hand open to accept them. 1-2-3-4. By the third one, his eyes opened wide and the face changed to a surprised one.

He read one by one. At one point he looked my way with teary eyes (yes I’m sure!), but don’t know if they were intended for me.

As the activity came to an end, many students jumped on stage to dance to “Come Sail Away“, the chosen theme song. I, of course, took the opportunity to be next to him. He did break out in some dance (yes he did!), and I shed some tears to which he didn’t react to much.

As the years go by, no matter what I do, I always go back to that day when I hear that song.

“I look to the sea; reflections in the waves spark my memory. / Some happy, some sad. / I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had.”

Yep, if only life could be as easy as a day at the beach.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements


After my last attempts to meet guys online (please see The Swipe), I did take a break from my search. As much as I know that ‘mejor sola que mal acompañada’ (better alone than in bad company), it’s still bothersome after all these years not having experienced a serious relationship.

Yes, it hit me hard, and got me down for many days. Even having conversations with my bff’s only helped temporarily. Bottom line is, I envisioned my present in a much different way.

For that I’ve tried to keep myself busy so I don’t think about it. And started doing something new to approach what I was feeling.

It was the start of a work week and the traffic was somewhat congested. Every time I hit a red light, I looked around people in their vehicles to check out what they were doing.

There’s always some woman putting her makeup on, another was still wearing her curlers, and a guy was using an electric shaver for at least 3 lights long.

Others were obviously looking at the phone talking or texting, all totally unaware of their surroundings. I did a small experiment of making funny faces, even doing my version of carpool karaoke, and nobody noticed. It was so bad the disconnect they had with the world, I bet you had I done something politically incorrect through the window, still no one would have paid attention.

All I could was laugh, which was good, and congratulate myself for not being co-dependant on a device of any kind.

As my drive continued, I looked around at the sky, train, stores, and other things we all take for granted, and actually appreciated them.

I then said to myself, “I will give thanks for all the good I have: my job, family, home, health, those people who give me so much. Even the ones who were present for the time that they had to, I’m also grateful. Last, but not least, whoever falls under my ‘persona non grata’ list, I release you.”

Yes, I do believe that when some people (can be male friends, besties, love interests, etc.) are no longer with you in whatever capacity, is because they were meant to be when you needed the most. Sometimes they go into another direction for reasons that have nothing to do with you; sometimes what you had together has run its course and there’s not much in common any more; sometimes it’s us who realize that as much as we may appreciate the other person, it’s best that we step away for own good, and hopefully for the other one as well.

Those in ‘the list’ range from anyone who have used or hurt me, to those that is better not even thinking about them at all.

You can say my thoughts were a ‘waiting to exhale’ moment, but they did wonders to my commute that morning.

If I’m not laughing at people, I then look at license plates with a coded message and try to decipher them. If I like it, I take a photo and share it on my profile. Some are pretty straight forward; others not even my social media friends can figure out.

It was on a Tuesday morning when I did the above-mentioned exercise again; it gave me some relief, but was still feeling down. I then looked up and thought, ‘would it be too much to ask for a little divine intervention on this matter?’

About 10 minutes went by, when I was driving on the middle lane and notice a familiar plate: LED ZEP1. ‘OMG, there it is!’, I thought to myself.

This was like the third time I’ve seen it. On the first one, the car was to my left, and every time I tried to take a photo, the light turned green.

When I was almost side by side with the vehicle, I notice a man with white hair inside smiling at me. He was probably laughing at my attempts to take a photo at such a limited visual angle. I kept trying, but wasn’t working.

The guy kept looking at me. He seemed way older than me, so I thought maybe he was one of the band members? I mean, it’s a known fact that there’s many celebrities living in my city.

In spite of getting a semi-descent shot, I gave the guy a smile back and said ‘thank you’.

Second time I was again in the center lane and LZ1 got right in front of me. ‘Yes! Got the shot!’

And now, I wanted to say hi to the guy and hopefully even strike a conversation. Who knows, maybe I’ve been riding next to a music legend and didn’t even know it. Hit it!

 

 

 



I left to my New Year’s party invitation and completely forgot about Ivan on my way to it.

The place I’ve spent this night has been pretty much the same these past few years. Even better, the usual people go there, so we all know each other and I don’t feel out of place in spite of going alone.

It was a great night. I danced, partied plenty, ate great food and even enjoyed being around other people’s kids.

I also made sure and got something to wear just for the night. I went to a secret location that I know and scored a dress from an Asian designer with a quirky pattern that had golden accents on it.

I was glad that I found what I had envisioned on my mind: different, with a metallic color and even more, at a great price.

Yep, metallics are very popular during the holidays, but for me it represented trying to end the year and start the next one with a new glow.

Some of the people complemented my dress and I was glad they did. Thinking back at my other ensembles, I realized how they have evolved as a reflection of my times and emotions.

I will say that this year’s dress is the most fashionable so far. I’ve even changed my hairstyle which I got even more complements for.

If you looked at it you will see that the shape is simple, but the colors are bright (purple, red, blue) in structured lines all over the fabric.

It correlates with my current state of mind that I like things bright as they relate to light or positive things. Metallics reflect sunshine and capture the glow of stars. It all goes back to light, enlightenment, opening your space within yourself to let it shine in new things.

Although the background of the fabrics is black, the intensity of the color was perfect to make the others stand out. So in a way it means that my darker times are moving back and new shades are stepping in.

When midnight arrived I cried as I always do, but less intense as other years. People hugged me and I thanked everyone, including the house dog, for this night which they made it special.

The family even lighted some lanterns, which flew away in the sky. It gave me a feeling that I finally let go of the negative and that the light was showing the universe that, ‘I’m still here, watch me soar’.

I left the party when everyone started leaving and still no sign of Ivan, so I went home and relaxed before going to bed.

It was still dark, but the night had been perfect. I looked at the stars from my window and instead of making a wish I closed my eyes and said to myself, ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you’, and thought nothing else.

I opened my eyes. It’s a new year of new beginnings.



Life for me went back to normal and I followed what I decided upon, which was to close communication with Edward. I would sometimes write a comment on his posts, but no emails or phone calls were made.

I would say at least a year or more went by when I got to see something about him again. It was early in the year and, there they were, the two of them, kissing, at their wedding.

Yep, he married the party chick. It totally took me by surprise, as I don’t recall reading anything about the engagement. People were congratulating him for the good news, so it seems he kept it quiet.

The ceremony was held outdoors in a garden area. In my opinion, both were dressed appropriately, not too much or too under whelmed, but no photos of reception. It seems it was a small and intimate ceremony with only the closest people attending.

I kept looking at the picture when I got an email from the girl who introduced us.

“What do think of Edward getting married?” asked she.

“Hip hip hooray?” replied I.

I really didn’t have an answer for her or me. I was happy for him, sort of, as the questioning about the past resurfaced. It wasn’t really about ‘losing a possible catch’, I was disappointed that other people (guys especially) were moving on, getting married, etc., and I was still single.

Why is it that others are lucky and I haven’t experienced a love relationship with someone else?

Fast forward about another year or so later, and I got to see Edward and entourage with other surprising news, they were expecting a baby.

I again thought to myself, “that could have been me”, but my emotions were really linked to wanting what other people had and wondering if it would ever happen with me.

Some months later a baby boy was born and it was quite cute. It definitely looked like him; if I would have been the mom, I saw how it would have looked like.

I was again sort of happy for him, but not personally that now there were 4 kids altogether. I’ve always wanted to experience motherhood, but one child would be just fine. Raising children that are not mine, I don’t know how I would handle it.

The last, last thing I read about him was that he moved to the west coast to a location that looked very country. Now that’s definitely something that’s not for me. Don’t get me wrong; the place is beautiful, but dealing with cold weather more than half of the year, thank you, but no.

So, what am I feeling now? Relieved. It was now clear to me why this relationship never occurred: I wouldn’t have liked to move, or go through such a huge change, because it would have made me unhappy.

I know you’re supposed to sacrifice for your loved ones, but I did that once, living life for others, but if they don’t make sacrifices for you, an unbalance is created and the relationship suffers.

What if I met someone and I had to relocate again to make it work? Would I let the opportunity pass me by?

Let’s say I will worry about that when it happens (if that) and when I find the right guy (which I will), I know this time around my story will be a totally different.



All right, I have written more than what I should have, but it just happened that all these thoughts came to mind and I just needed to write them down.

It was a feeling of having a mental clutter that finally got cleaned out. I know it was more of an emotional thing, but truly both went together. It was an organized chaos that has been building up these past few years that had to be released.

It’s almost like those moments when people release those small hot air balloons when they finally let go and set themselves free.

I think he replied to me about 2 days later in the same fashion as he has done for some time: He uses his cell phone, writes late in the evening (probably so not to be seen), with some sentences that have a few typos for being written fast.

“Hey, I didn’t mean that our friendship would be over, just that I would stay for a while so things can level out for me. My intentions are to be your friend and to stay that way. I care about you and am always wishing good things for you,” said he.

“Like I said to you,” replied I, “if I don’t make the effort here, nothing will happen. So after this message is sent and I don’t hear from you, I will consider it as the end of anything and everything. You’re welcome to write to me, but not expecting it. I’m not really into this ‘I want you, but don’t want you’ deal. Either you do or you don’t. I don’t hate you and have no regrets, but this is as far as I will go. Like you’re doing I should do as well, move on.”

As I was writing these last words, I was torn between anger and sadness. Anger because I’ve kept holding on to guys, distancing me from them promising myself not to contact them, let some time pass by, start missing them, then deciding to reach out to them for whatever reason, to finally find myself rejected and disappointed over and over.

Sadness because he becomes another guy in my life whose come and gone, never to be heard for some time, if ever. I feel heartbroken mostly because what I felt for him was unique from all others and you never know if you’ll be able to shake it all off.

Then there’s the part of the “ifs”, especially if we had ended up together. I know the answer to this, but every so often I just have to remind myself, no, it wasn’t meant to happen. Why was that it’s beyond anyone’s control. Still, sometimes I just wished a try were given.

Since my last email I haven’t heard from him. For the first time I haven’t felt guilty of what I’ve said, nor contacted him to give it another try of making things better (for me).

I’m quite at peace at the whole experience and maybe now I can leave it behind me.

What if he reaches out to me? I will hear what he has to say and then I will say what I need to say. Then I will probably keep doing what I’m doing as if nothing has happened.

I will probably get sad, maybe cry, and will want for some feelings to come back, but, no, I have to move ahead.

I will wish him the best now and later, and in the quietness of my life I will secretly thank him for coming back to my life because without him, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.



{December 9, 2013}   Looking Back 23 – Not happening

We got back very late and, although I was very tired, I couldn’t really fall asleep. I was still hoping that ‘the beach guy’ would call when I know it wouldn’t happen.

Besides, as much interest or availability he might had, I couldn’t expect him to make the 2-hour drive in such late hours of the night. So, I put him off my mind and managed to get some rest.

I think I was even more tired the next morning. It was the last day of my vacation and wanted to enjoy as much as I could before making the long drive home.

My high school friend and I were able to do one last thing before leaving late in the afternoon. Before reaching my apartment, I suggested having an early dinner on a restaurant I thought he would like.

He did very much and thanked me for it. Me, on the other hand, checked my phone from time to time. No missed calls.

By the time I got home I was more than exhausted from the trip. It had been a great one, but the emotional part really hit me hard.

I kept telling myself how good of an experience this was and the fact I couldn’t have one detail of it wasn’t a reason to let it ruin my long weekend.

So I did what I thought I should do; I kept myself busy the rest of the night, and put aside any negative thoughts that may question my efforts and outcomes of my attempts in having a relationship with a guy.

The results of this challenge had been that ‘it just didn’t happen’, and it’s up to the other person to take the next step if they want anything with me.

In other words, if nothing happens, that’s it, nothing else left to expect. End of story.



et cetera