The New M.E. Generation











The second half of my workday was hectic. A project came in that kept me busy until at least 7:30 p.m. I had the day off the next day, so I had to finish it.

I got home exhausted, ate something and went to sleep earlier than usual. I really needed a rest and wished there had been someone at home to greet me, share dinner with and helped me feel better after the day I had.

These were the days I missed not having a boyfriend, but I didn’t miss this one in particular. He was, of course, very far off of what I wanted in a man, so much that I didn’t even thought about him all night.

I woke up rested and took care of errands, did laundry, cooked, etc. I know it was Friday, but I just needed to have a stress-free day, putting my attention away from the day I had before.

All was calm around 7 p.m. when I get a text from him that read, ‘come over so we can be together’. Again, nothing of a greeting, asking how I am or even if I ‘would like’ to spend some time with him. The feeling that I was now having was one when you have food on your mouth that tastes so bad you want to spit it out.

Two things came to mind: pet dog and call girl. And they have things in common. Both are sitting around for you to come home or contact you, and react immediately when the fingers get snapped at them, without thinking about it.

And that’s how it has been with him, and other guys, that have crossed my life, to which I had allowed to happen. Whenever I reach out to them, either they don’t respond or do so many days later.

But if they contact me, I respond rather quickly. I don’t think I’ve ever not replied to anyone. If I don’t, it would mean something big has happened to me or had a legitimate reason.

I got upset and felt like a second-class person. But this was nothing new. I’ve never felt good with him. So I asked myself why have I allowed myself to feel this way over and over for so long, when it’s clear his way of being is unhealthy for me?

I know he could be ‘someone that I know’ or label him in some other way like, ‘a guy I went to school with’. Because, honestly, having he as a friend is something that has never happened. He may have been at times a ‘sympathetic ear’, but ultimately he has been him and all about him.

I held my mobile and decided I would not reply. I put it down and walked away.

A short while later he text again, ‘No response?’ I smiled sarcastically; interesting how people react when you change your behavior or ignore them completely.

Knowing if I turned down his invitation would get me ‘the guy speech’, i.e., he will turn the situation around to make it look as I’m the unhappy person who prefers to be alone than have fun, I replied another way.

‘I’m just done with my hectic day and I’m going home,’ said I. It was short and to the point as he does.

‘That sucks,’ said he.

And that was it. No ‘I wished could make you feel better in some way’ or anything else. But why should I be surprised? I should be the one surprising him by snapping my fingers at him and say, ‘walk away.’

And I need to ‘snap out of this’ and instead of acting like the girl that everyone expects of me, show everyone the woman I have become. Snap!

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It sucks being at work and then getting an email like this one later in the day when you’re ‘brain drained’ and just want your workday to be over and go home.

Knowing how I have evolved throughout the years, not that I needed to think over what I would say or would respond to it; I just didn’t want to use certain words that I don’t normally use.

If I already have decided to end for good whatever was happening because both of us, there was no need to communicate your thoughts in a way it’s not you.

I wanted to convey that I am confident in my position and feelings, not that his behavior has brought the ugly side of me. And that’s not what I want to be remembered for.

Unfortunately that’s how humans are; we remember the bad as small as it may be. We may do good for the longest time, and then we stumble and everyone takes notice. It doesn’t matter if the good outweighs the other; you’re recognized for how deep you fell.

‘Regarding you unfriending me, it came as no surprise. Truth is me being an old girlfriend is not the problem here regarding your relationship.

It has to do with the wife and her insecurities that I’m going to tear the two of you apart. I’m a threat to her and she needs to erase anything that’s considered to be that.

It happened to me when I was married. My a-hole ex made it clear that he didn’t want me having nothing to do with my male friends even when they were just that, friends.

It made me so miserable and isolated, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t about what was the right thing for the marriage; it was all about him and he alone.

I was lucky that my friends forgave and supported me because they love me as the true person I have always been to them.

I’ll tell you this, when the years go by and your daughter grows up and moves away, and you find yourself all alone with or without your spouse, then you will realize what a mistake it was to have let go of all the people that truly loved you. By that time I will have forgotten about you and not really interested in listening to what you have to say.

Let me ask you, would you have done the same if I were in a relationship? You and I know the answer very well.

And regarding this friendship proposal you always present to me, fact is, I’ve been the one who have been writing and reaching out to you.

This means that once I discontinue doing so, because I know you won’t, that’s it; it’s over. You’re not just unfriending me for a while, it’s for good.

Like with other guys I’ve met, if I’m not the one making the effort here, nothing happens.

So, good luck with your life because you will need it.’



I waited 2 days to try to chat with him again. I first checked his profile again and wasn’t really impressed by what I read.

It’s not that he didn’t have any merits worth appreciating as a person. But his information wasn’t anything that was striking a cord with me. He could well be a good candidate for someone else. But I simply wasn’t feeling anything.

As much as I try to approach this with an open mind, I guess I’ve reached a point where I just know when there’s possibility or not pretty early on. I may take a humorous approach, but I’m not investing too much time around. Why would I when there’s not even a spark felt?

The guy had emailed the day before and was online when I read his message, so I initiated the chat.

‘Hello, working I suppose?’

‘Yes, on duty again, and sitting on the computer. FYI, if I suddenly disappear is because I have to leave quickly, not because I don’t want to talk to you.’

‘So how many other girls have you contacted via the site?’

‘A few, but it’s hard to meet them with my schedule.’

‘You should make the effort. You shouldn’t wait for life to pass you by and then wonder what happened with it.’

‘What about you?’

‘Also trying, but have a similar situation like yours. Long hours at work and sometimes when I get home I’m super tired. Doesn’t make you want to do much except rest.’

‘If I was there, I would give you a massage.’

All right, that’s it with this one. It’s obvious that he just wants one thing from me and he’s not getting it. This time, a guy’s behavior is not upsetting me.

After all, I wasn’t feeling it, and I knew beforehand it wasn’t going anywhere. So I guess I just let the situation ran its course until it ended, but never thought this fast.

I quickly exited the site and didn’t think about it the rest of the night.

A couple of days after, I visited the site to continue my search of candidates. There was a message from him.

‘Hey, you haven’t responded to my email.’

‘I didn’t like your last comment at all!’

‘I was joking. You need to chill out.’

‘No, you were not joking and you blew it big time with me. This conversation is over.’

I logged out the page and went back to my usual activity for the night.

I didn’t go back to the site about a few more days later. His messages were still there and there were no new one from him after I basically told him off. So, the next best thing to do was to delete all of them.

I think he tried to send me another one some days later, but I didn’t read it. I just deleted it as well.

I didn’t have any questioning towards myself. I was actually proud of myself as to how I reacted to the whole thing.

Well, hey, I’ve made progress, huge indeed. So what’s next for me? Just try, try again.



{December 9, 2013}   Looking Back 23 – Not happening

We got back very late and, although I was very tired, I couldn’t really fall asleep. I was still hoping that ‘the beach guy’ would call when I know it wouldn’t happen.

Besides, as much interest or availability he might had, I couldn’t expect him to make the 2-hour drive in such late hours of the night. So, I put him off my mind and managed to get some rest.

I think I was even more tired the next morning. It was the last day of my vacation and wanted to enjoy as much as I could before making the long drive home.

My high school friend and I were able to do one last thing before leaving late in the afternoon. Before reaching my apartment, I suggested having an early dinner on a restaurant I thought he would like.

He did very much and thanked me for it. Me, on the other hand, checked my phone from time to time. No missed calls.

By the time I got home I was more than exhausted from the trip. It had been a great one, but the emotional part really hit me hard.

I kept telling myself how good of an experience this was and the fact I couldn’t have one detail of it wasn’t a reason to let it ruin my long weekend.

So I did what I thought I should do; I kept myself busy the rest of the night, and put aside any negative thoughts that may question my efforts and outcomes of my attempts in having a relationship with a guy.

The results of this challenge had been that ‘it just didn’t happen’, and it’s up to the other person to take the next step if they want anything with me.

In other words, if nothing happens, that’s it, nothing else left to expect. End of story.



It was a weekend like any other when, out of the blue, I get a text message during my sleep. I literally jumped when I heard the phone buzz as I usually don’t get texts to start with.

I opened the text to read it (‘Hello Emma how are you?’), but my phone did not match the sender from any one of my contacts.

I couldn’t recognize the number either, but something else did get my attention; I received it at 3am.

Who is this person who included my name on the text?

I didn’t respond to it. I went back to sleep and later on during the day I checked the number against my contacts list in my computer. No match either.

I then did a search on the Internet and the number appeared for the city that Jesse told me he lived.

‘Well, look who resurfaced!’ I thought. Wow, it’s quite something to be remembered.

So, now what? Am I going to respond or not? Whatever, he is in another state and I’m here. So he’s just probably saying hello and wanting to know how I am. That’s it, nothing else.

Yes, I’ll answer…later. I have other things to do.



I did take a break of speaking with Alex for a while, and so did he. I had no idea of his whereabouts, and his lack of communication made me feel he was still pretty upset with me.

I kept telling myself that the best thing to do was not making any effort in contacting him in any way. But Thanksgiving was coming up and the sentiment behind this holiday was making me reconsider this situation.

For me it was a time to put aside all those bad feelings and come together for the blessings received during the year. This included having meeting him and his friendship.

Maybe the timing is perfect to clear out all that happened before and start (or end) in a much favorable way.

But I was wrong, yet again. He didn’t answer my call nor returned it, leaving me with a bittersweet aftertaste. It made me feel he was still totally upset with me. Even more, he couldn’t put aside how he felt and appreciate my ‘peace treaty’ attempt.

I can accept he doesn’t want anything with me, but not even having the courtesy to thank me and wish me well? Ouch! That’s such a killer.

So, in the end, I ‘ended’ where it all started; alone and without a friend, guy or anything. He made his choice and there’s nothing else for me to do.

I tried to come to terms with it and can only conclude that it was not meant to be. Blame it on timing, our insecurities, our past, the change of weather, whatever.

Was it worth it? Don’t know and I’m not going to dwell on it.

All I can say is, ‘it happened.’ That’s it.



In the weeks that followed, I continued having some communication with Jay. I avoided asking him about his new ‘love interest,’ so I just stick to trivial topics.

I was having difficulty getting over him. Some days I would wear the ring and others I wouldn’t. I guess I needed to remind myself that something good has happened in my life.

But I believe the most difficult thing was to tell friends that it was over and that the trip to Canada was not happening. They were all sad and disappointed for how things ended because they knew this was the first guy after my divorce that I genuinely had feelings for, and had given myself the opportunity to open my heart to.

Yep, it took me some time to let go of him. I put the ring away, cried late at night, and got the lessons from this experience that I believe will help me move forward.

The day I knew it was really over was when I called him for the last time. I did because there was some news he had been hoping to hear from me for some time. But I also wanted to hear his voice and reaction of listening me on the other end of the line.

Jay answered the call in his usual upbeat demeanor every time I called, and became more when he heard the news. But after this part was over and I talked about everyday things, the conversation became ‘flat.’ It felt as if he was speaking to anyone else like a friend or co-worker; someone who doesn’t have any special feelings for.

I even had the courage to ask him about his love life, and he responded by saying that he was still seeing her, and taking things very slow.

He then continued to say that he was doing some work on his home and he needed to get back to that. When he said good-bye he was cold as someone who is way over you, or not interested in you at all, even perhaps pretending nothing had happened and needed to ‘exit’ as quickly as possible in order to avoid getting into the present reality.

Meaning, it’s so easy to ‘dump’ somebody when you have someone else lined-up. Of course, you’re not empty-handed, especially if the new person is more convenient for your lifestyle.

He knew that the way he behaved was not the best, so he used the ‘baggage’ situation to let go of me easily and have a good mental excuse for leaving me.

Truth is, if she hadn’t come along, I would have made the trip and maybe still be with Jay.

It’s hard to believe that someone who greeted me with so much love at the airport has now said good-bye the opposite way.

So what am I going to make of it? Nothing. I’m not dwelling on it like I did with the others.

It is what it is and that’s it.



Shortly after Jay and I became online friends, he emailed me saying that he was planning to make a trip to a location about 40 minutes away from where I lived to do water skiing, and asked me if I would consider driving there and meeting up with him.

‘You? You have an interest in me? Since when? From what?’ were questions that crossed my mind.

The way I was looking at things was that I just got back from a trip from which I only knew this person for 5 minutes.

Yes, you did help me to finally water ski (and I will always be grateful for that). But how is it possible that in those ‘5 minutes’ you developed some interest in me?

Let’s get real here. Before we became online friends, you only knew me for my first name. That’s it!

All you saw was this girl running around the resort having a good time. I wanted to meet guys, but to just keep them as friends, if that.

‘So what’s is it going to be?’ Hmm, I’m not quite ready to make any quantum leaps at this time. But Jay’s display of attention and interest also intrigues me.

If I say ‘yes’ and meet up with him, I will probably regret it afterwards. If I say ‘no,’ he will take it personally. (I know this feeling quite too well.) I know!

“Jay, I’m sort of seeing someone at this time, and would be unfair to you or this person if I went up to see you.” (This sounds so 3pm soap.) “But would like to continue our online friendship if possible.”

Jay and I kept talking online, but, in the end, he did not make it down, not sure why, but certainly not because of me. Well, that’s what he said, that there had been a change in plans. He probably realized the truth and came up with some excuse himself as well.

But, this was not the end of it. Shortly after telling me he was not going to be able to make it, he said he had another vacation time a couple of months later. And he would greatly want to water ski and spend some time with me, being the second the decisive factor of the trip.

Aah, what? Me over water skiing?

Don’t know what to say…



I did get a reply from Brian. And to my surprise, it was very quick, like on the same day I sent it.

No less surprising was what he said. Sure enough, just as I predicted it, his reply was very brief. Something like in the ’10 words category,’ which read like this:

“Yeah, he told me. Hope all is well with you too.” (11 words to be exact. I almost got a perfect score.) Like I said to myself before, no need to get upset here.

At least I got answers to some of my questions. Yes, Stephan did tell him about the encounter, and, yes, Brian has no interest in seeing me again.

But I don’t know if Stephan made the call or else. It’s like a mystery novel that left you confused after reading it, or an ending of that of a cliffhanger that lets you make your own conclusions after it ended.

So why don’t I make my own? All right, here it goes.

We know that Stephan did tell Brian about the meeting, but Brian showed no interest or made any attempt to contact me.

Stephan did not call Dina, probably because (like previously stated), he realized he was better off not pursuing it.

The ending may not have been what I hoped for (Stephan and Dina going out), but at least it was a fun night.

And for a moment, I thought Dina’s love life was about to change.

Hey, isn’t that what I’m shooting for?

Yes, but sometimes you’ve got to give it to others in order to receive.

Maybe then a new chapter can be written.

That’s it, end of this story.



et cetera