The New M.E. Generation

The next memory of the day was taking a break for lunch.

We all left the bar to another location and I remember that I sat on a table somewhat far from him. I had a direct view of him and I kept staring at him at all times. It was as if I was looking at something larger than life.

I have no recollection if there had been any exchange of words yet. I didn’t even have the courage to approach him either.

There he was in his own world and me on the other side keeping a distance because I probably thought that was the right thing to do. I was not up to his level and that’s how it was to remain.

Besides, what did I have that could have impressed him? From where I was sitting, his life was just perfect. Mine was just a big question mark.

I kept looking wondering why I couldn’t be like him, someone who just knew what he wanted and how it was to be accomplished.

He embodied everything I wasn’t and I had no idea how to turn it around and make it happen for myself.

In other words, how am I making it to the other side if I’m stuck where I am right now?

One the day before Jay was scheduled to leave, he and I were having dinner at home and I thought discussing our relationship before he left was the right thing to do.

“Jay, do you think we’ll ever have a chance of making, whatever we have together, work?”

“Well, it will definitely be a challenge.”

“Listen, I know I’m still dealing with baggage from my divorce, and if I don’t get my life back on track, I won’t be able to be happy with you or any other person, period.

Also, I don’t want you to think that because we’re ‘together’ that you can’t go out or be friends with other women. I appreciate that you consider me your girlfriend and everyone in your world knows about me. But I also want to be fair and realistic about our situation.”

“I’m grateful for you being open about this and the best thing to do is that we keep being honest with each other and talk about it if the situation occurs.”

We finished dinner and enjoyed the rest of the evening, but talking about other things.

Jay was sad for leaving; I was very much indeed. He said he had another vacation time about a month later and would definitely try to make it back. He also mentioned for me to go visit him some time after his second possible visit, right after the winter had concluded and the weather was bearable for me to withstand.

Sounds like a plan, but so far away, like the time before he came down which seemed would never happen.

I am so happy that this trip happened, but once Jay leaves my life goes back to as before, back to the uncertainty of what lays ahead, and now with an added stress of what the universe is holding for me with this long distance thing.

Can anyone up there send me a clue or something, please?

et cetera