The New M.E. Generation











Although my high school friend was a disciplined student and had good grades, his pranks eventually caught up to him. His parents were called by the school administration way too many times hoping to resolve this issue, but to no avail. His mom literally told the principal, ‘do what you need to do’.

Even some of his classmates turned against him, even when they were not affected by any of his actions. The rumors started running high, even that he had committed plagiarism in his Senior year term paper.

The Engligh teacher met with him and asked him to talk about the work in general. After my friend gave an extended speech about the topic, references and else, the teacher handed back the draft and said to him, “you’re good to go”.

Academically he was doing all that he needed to do to ensure entrance to college. But because his conduct was so bad and the rumors so out of hand, and the school couldn’t take action against him for his grades, they did it where it hurt the most: he was told he couldn’t be part of the graduation ceremony.

I got really sad and shocked when he personally told me. I knew things were bad, but never thought that of the few people I was friends with this could happen to him.

This would be the first of many moments I witnessed the betrayal of people to those I cared about or myself. It didn’t necessarily create a sense of distrust towards others, but more in that they can turn against you at any time without any valid reason.

“Don’t ever give your life away to any religion, political movement, or even less a man,” preached he to me during that time. He also manifested his dislike for a particular type of people, an issue that didn’t surface again accidentally in the present time.

I never understood where this one came from and I never allowed myself to be influenced by it. I believe I have always been good to others, and many have taken advantage of it by mistreating me.

I used to give people many chances, especially guys, but with this guy’s betrayal, I have become stronger in my personality and discard quickly anything that’s toxic or represents a threat to my wellbeing, just like he has.

So the question is, how is it possible for a person, who gave you the right guidance to survive the world, change to the total opposite of what he taught you?

How is it possible that after all the negative I’ve gone through, was able to make it through it all and still have hope for the future?

How do you explain an over 30-year friendship going bad and looking at a person become totally unrecognizable to you?

Why am I still standing in the light and he is in the lowest, darkest period of his life?

Someone saved my life tonight”. Yes, universe, I know it’s you.

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Our friendship continued throughout high school without any setback. Our meetings occurred more due to a necessity, like me needing to get something at the pharmacy.

We both had things to do after school; I was active in school activities, tried to keep my long distance relationship going by sending my former BF letters and pictures of me, plus endless house chores that I was responsible for.

This guy worked every day at the pharmacy during the school week. Although his career goal was in another field, he learned al that he could about it and was helping his father manage it.

On occasions he would come to visit home to see my brother, but as the years progressed, we both concentrated more towards getting into college.

The ironic part was that I was an average student with good conduct and he was the opposite. He got notoriously popular for pranks he was pulling off, which got him in trouble far too long with the school administration.

I admired him for being daring, because I was insecure of coming out of my shell or doing anything that could affect my entrance to college.

One day we went to have lunch at a fast food place and he started telling me some of his stories. I couldn’t believe what he was doing; he wasn’t hurting or physically damaging anything, he was simply looking for attention as he candidly admitted.

Like me, our parents had gotten divorced and he was playing out the emotions he felt about it. What he expressed was harmless, but spoke volumes in other ways.

I kept listening to him and laughed a lot, amused by his creativity. But deep inside I envied him. In spite of having some parallels in our lives, I was keeping my emotions to myself. They were somewhat expressed through my letter writing and school clubs I was involved at. But I never had the audacity to really take a risk on anything close to his level.

He had also known what he wanted as a career from an early age. I had no idea what I was supposed to do all together. All I wanted to do was to graduate and come to college in the U.S. It was for me a secure way to run away from my current life and run into another, which future was as obscure as my present one.

And as always happened, the universe made itself present. It always had, but it has been a recent discovery of its ‘pranks’ in my existence.

While we were in the end part of our meal, and elderly man sitting at a table nearby would look at us from time to time. Of course I didn’t notice; I was feeling too sorry for myself.

When the man was almost done, he took a napkin and wrote something in it. Before leaving, he came to our table and handed it over to my friend. “Here’s something for you. Good night,” said he.

My friend and I got surprised. He read the napkin, smiled and laughed. He then handed it over to me; I don’t remember the exact words, but it had to do with my apparent beauty and how lucky this guy was of me being with him.

My reaction was a combination of puzzlement and surprise at what a total stranger had expressed about me. This would be one of many messages that literally dropped from the sky, or better yet, heaven, that would present to me when I needed it the most.

Back then I couldn’t grasp my true inner and outer essence, or that our friendship we were having, as well as the love and respect for each other, was also one of real beauty.

It’s heartbreaking sharing such a simple moment and think how we are now separated by an emotional distance that he chose to travel.

Perhaps the universe had another written message within the napkin. Maybe what my friend had told my former BF was also talking to him.

In other words, I could also slip away from him like sand between his fingers, and if I didn’t, consider yourself lucky.



{December 22, 2014}   Love At First Site 26 – I blue it

My table is not that big, so as much as you try to avoid the other person is not possible.

I complemented him on his cooking skills and wanting to eat healthy. I tried to engage in ‘small talk’ as much as possible. I was making eye contact as I was trying not to look away from the reality here: he’s still and will always be old enough to be my child.

I didn’t think about the cougar thing; I knew getting involved with him would get me nowhere and would unbalance my emotional state that I have worked so hard to reinstate.

The comment about my TV’s wasn’t just one that hit a nerve, it was also one that the universe was throwing at me so I would be aware of what to expect from this guy if I allowed for anything to happen beyond this night.

The message is that there will always be something that will remind me of the age difference and thus feeling ‘old’, trigger some other negative emotions, and who knows what else. There’s the other detail about him that his plan is to leave the city to go to med school somewhere else.

I know that (maybe) we could be friends or I should keep my options open regarding anything social. But, am I really interested in investing time with him when I should stick to doing that for myself? I may sound selfish, but in the end it’s all about me.

I kept the mindless conversation going and tried not to think about the big elephant in the room, so I kept looking at his very blue eyes, which began to mesmerize me.

I thought that maybe I should complement him on that as well. But after I say that, what next?

I guess this is what it feels like when ‘you’re having the blues’?



A couple of weeks went by (I think) before we contacted each other again. I don’t know who did first and for what reason.

I have usually remembered the sequence of events related to previous dates. But, this time, there are just empty blanks on my mind.

If my memory serves me well, I would bet I text this guy the next day thanking him once again for the previous evening.

Overall, the date wasn’t extraordinary or bad, but good enough to apply my manners. I believe his are not the same as mine, but hopefully they will communicate how I would like to be treated.

I believe I text him on a Saturday just inquiring how he and his studies were doing. He replied that he had a friend in town that he was to take out with other friends. I told him that I was glad to hear and for him to enjoy the night.

The next time he resurfaced, he offered to come home and cook. When I read the text, I got surprised and anxious. I think it has been no more than 2 times that a guy has come over and done that in all these past years.

Even though I’m used to my space and doing all by myself, I know my social life should improve and doesn’t hurt someone else doing something for me once in a while. But allowing others in my home is like opening a door to my mind and emotions. And people taking control of the situation, including using my kitchen utensils, is something hard for me to let go off as silly as it may sound.

Also, I am a simple person. I don’t need expensive things to be comfortable. I own what I think I need, take care of it until it’s time to part of them, and like my surroundings to be clean and organized.

Because I consider myself a minimalist, I think once you step in and look around my residence you can define who I am as a person rather quickly. Of course, it all relies in what the other person’s frame of mind is, but hopefully their analysis of me should be a general positive one.

This guy proposed to bring all the food and cook. I only had to supply the drinks and kitchen. I don’t know who will be doing the cleaning afterwards, but the arrangement sounded fair.

The whole thing was to be happening that night, so I hurried to put my whole place together (as I always do, visitors or not) and go out to buy the drinks.

Then off to choose the clothes that completed the ‘look’ of the day.

Question is: will the universe serve me justice tonight?



This is what basically has been happening. Every so often I write him an email when I get reminded of him because I hear his first name.

The subject line always reads like, ‘Can I get you off my mind?’ or ‘You became present again’.

The content of the mail describes the incident of how I remembered him, that all I want is to really forget him, and don’t understand why the universe is playing games with me on this.

He sometimes replies that he’s sort of a force that refuses to go away from my life and it‘s interesting how his presence is remembered.

He always mentions that he’s my friend and he hopes our friendship continues, and that life will gift me with a worthy relationship.

Other times he doesn’t reply at all. Maybe it’s an overkill that I write about the same thing every time. Most probably is that he’s telling me nicely that we need to move on.

If you look at the replies closely, he never talks about us. It’s about me thinking about him, and he finding an explanation of why they occur.

He replies because he has to, especially to back-up his friendship argument. But it’s clear I’ve been stretching this situation for far too long.

The same goes for his social media profile. I was devastated when he closed it. I thought it all had to do with me.

It was months later when he reactivated it. I felt as if I had reconnected with him. But then, instead of me ‘staying away’, I continued writing posts in his profile.

I recently got a request from his daughter. I got nervous because I felt exposed as if the world knew who I was.

I told him about it, and his wife and daughter were questioning him who I was. He told them that I was and old college girlfriend.

Regardless of what the truth is or not, I created a huge problem for him and it’s not going away unless a change is made.

So what did I do? Of course I declined the request and stood back for a while. But as soon as I go online and read his posts, I get the impulse of writing something.

Sadly, all that I’m doing is looking for some acknowledgement from him that he still thinks about me.

I’m surprised he hasn’t cut me off all together. Whatever the reason for him doing that, both the universe and him are sending out this message from afar of what I should do.

And if I’m always reaching out to the outer limits for guidance and advice, why am I ignoring the huge, visible crater that’s in front of me?



I didn’t visit the site again until about 2 days later. It was the weekend, so I thought it was the best time to engage in this with a more relaxed approach.

I login and notice I have some messages from a guy whose name was ‘greeneyes4u’.

I opened the emails and (damn!) he certainly had green eyes, is nice looking, and on my age range.

Thank you universe!!

But, wait; before I get too excited about the planets being aligned in my favor for the first time ever, let me check out his profile.

According to what he wrote, he had been married, children are grown-up, had his own business, enjoyed the beach very much, and engaged in water sports.

He looked well for his age and was physically fit, obviously as a result of the activities he engages at.

Assuming the photos were recent, they gave me a sense that he was tranquil with his life and that he does want to meet someone, but is not in a rush to do so.

Everything passed my inspection. I wasn’t seeing or reading anything that raised a red flag to me.

I was very glad that this was happening so quickly after joining the site. I felt that I was back in the game and it should finally work out this time around.

I have learned my lesson well and do intend to deal with it the right way. I will reply to his messages (about 3 of them) with no melodrama, no desperate mode, or no negative behavior.

No, no, no. I’m not getting into that any more. It’s been quite a few years since been single and the disappointments and hurt have been too much.

No, I’m not letting this happen again. I know better.

All right, let’s start. I will read all of them and then reply. No rush, no stress; just think of what to say carefully and go for it.

And just when I was about to do that, a window opens on the screen. It was the online chat. This meant he could see that I was online and had visited his profile.

Surprise to me! Darn it! So this is how this works? You pretty much know what another person is doing (if you really do your research) and the same goes for yourself.

I started getting nervous. How much does this ‘green eyed’ person has dug up about me?

I kept staring at the chat window. He wants to talk to me, now!

So, who said again is totally in control here?



‘I’m really sorry for what’s happening to you,’ wrote I. ‘I’ve been through it and it’s a difficult process. Is there any chance for the two of you of turning things around with some professional help or something?’

‘No, we’ve tried everything. A divorce is definite. My kids are taking it well. She has moved on with her life already,’ responded he.

Ouch! That’s the same thing my ‘x’ said when he left me. He stated that he had restarted his life and was already dating. He said it with such confidence it made me very upset because he probably was in this ‘singlehood’ thing way before he made his decision.

Reading my friend’s message didn’t open old wounds, but shocked me again how easy it is for other people to end relationships and live ‘la vida loca’ without any remorse. They don’t care about others or the consequences that will bring to them or close ones.

They only think about themselves because they don’t put their emotions into this. It’s not about love; it’s about winning, getting what they want, even if it means running people over.

I may sound judgmental towards a person I’ve never met, but with my experience, I bet you that I’m so right.

So, what am I thinking (or feeling) about his whole situation? I hate to say it, but I’m sort of ‘happy’ that he may become single.

I know it’s not right to feel this way towards others’ misfortune. But after what the ‘beach guy’ and I shared in the past it’s still lingering within me, as there’s something there that needs to be resolved.

What I’m thinking (not feeling) is that perhaps the universe is shuffling things around for this to happen.

If it does, what would I feel then?



It has been a while since I have exchanged communication with this ‘beach guy’.

Ironically his birthday came up for the year, so I congratulated him on his page. He again thanked me, and everyone else who posted something, for the well wishes.

But, he didn’t specify what he did to celebrate. I assumed he spend it with his family at the beach since he’s there every chance he gets.

I believe the next day he sent me a message that blew me away like a storm.

‘You probably don’t know, but I’ve been separated from my wife since the beginning of the year.’

Say what? How did this happen?

I was so shocked about the news I started getting really anxious. More than that he was in this situation, I was overwhelmed at the many people whose relationship had not worked.

There was a time when people were getting married, then having a family, followed by a period of ‘quietness’ were all was fine.

Then the problems would begin or occurrences of bad couple situations. People got separated and divorced, and the end of the relationships would turn out very ugly.

This guy was another one I never envisioned going through this. I was actually envying him because I thought his life was going so well.

The other aspect of his situation that made me nervous was the timing. The beginning of the year also correlated with me facing an unexpected situation that took several months to resolve.

It kept going around my mind and wondered if there was some divine intervention in all this. Is this a signal that perhaps we might get together again? Is he perhaps part of the ‘master plan’ that he talked about that the universe has supposedly designed for me?

OMG! Anxiety rising!



{September 9, 2013}   Take Me Back 20 – Picture this

I recently checked my profile page and saw Johann vacationing with his wife in Europe. In the photo, they were sitting together around a fountain.

Heck, I felt jealous, not necessarily because I wished I could be with him. But the location looked awesome and the sky was crystal blue. Photos can surely say a thousand words.

I also asked myself when was the last time I took a vacation, even more with a significant other.

I couldn’t answer the question because it has been so long. So much it felt like I have never experienced it. You look at something and try to capture what the image projects and wonder how it would be if it were you.

I kept looking at the photo and those of others and realized how I’m somewhat living my life through their eyes.

Johann has what I want to have: a spouse, family, home of my own, and even pets.

He’s surely a very lucky and fortunate guy and he probably doesn’t even know it.

And what can I do about it? I’ll just create my own mental photo of the guy I want and the place I want to be with him, and let the universe take care of it and ‘post it’ when it happens.



et cetera