The New M.E. Generation











{December 22, 2014}   Love At First Site 26 – I blue it

My table is not that big, so as much as you try to avoid the other person is not possible.

I complemented him on his cooking skills and wanting to eat healthy. I tried to engage in ‘small talk’ as much as possible. I was making eye contact as I was trying not to look away from the reality here: he’s still and will always be old enough to be my child.

I didn’t think about the cougar thing; I knew getting involved with him would get me nowhere and would unbalance my emotional state that I have worked so hard to reinstate.

The comment about my TV’s wasn’t just one that hit a nerve, it was also one that the universe was throwing at me so I would be aware of what to expect from this guy if I allowed for anything to happen beyond this night.

The message is that there will always be something that will remind me of the age difference and thus feeling ‘old’, trigger some other negative emotions, and who knows what else. There’s the other detail about him that his plan is to leave the city to go to med school somewhere else.

I know that (maybe) we could be friends or I should keep my options open regarding anything social. But, am I really interested in investing time with him when I should stick to doing that for myself? I may sound selfish, but in the end it’s all about me.

I kept the mindless conversation going and tried not to think about the big elephant in the room, so I kept looking at his very blue eyes, which began to mesmerize me.

I thought that maybe I should complement him on that as well. But after I say that, what next?

I guess this is what it feels like when ‘you’re having the blues’?

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The holidays continued and my time got invested on work and coming to terms that the year was quickly about to end.

It had been a difficult and disappointing 12 months. Like previous years, I try to end and start each one with the best face possible.

I try to present to others that I am fine and I’m doing my best to keep going forward with my life. But my reality is way different.

I can’t stop thinking that it has been quite a few years since I became single and feel I’m still stuck on the same place. Both my professional and love life has not improved, and in spite of the efforts to change them, it just doesn’t happen.

If I can summarize it in one word, it would be ‘frustrating’, like the way the ‘beach guy’ makes me feel.

And talking about frustration, I got a reply to one of my messages, which I don’t recalled what I was writing about.

‘My life is not my own. I try not to be next to my phone at all times’.

What the heck are you talking about? You are responsible for your life and that of others. If you’re putting yourself second, maybe, but it doesn’t sound like you.

I know he’s no longer that teenager I once knew. But you don’t get to where he is, personally and professionally, without having a certain level of selfishness.

I’m not talking about a negative attitude or behavior, but how you will manage to get to your goals.

And that thing that you try to be away from your phone, who does that nowadays? Besides, you’re a doctor and I’m sure you’re always ‘on call’; so being unavailable is not an option.

You probably are to everyone except me, which is no surprise, because that’s how guys have pretty much behaved with me.

Oh, boy. Why are the things I wished could be gifted to me can’t be placed in a box?



et cetera