The New M.E. Generation

{February 9, 2015}   Looking Back 39 – What the…

Don’t know what’s happening lately. But it’s been more than 5 years since I became single again, which means I’ve worked very hard to get over my ‘past life’ and ‘X’, and bring the new me into the world.

Those people close to me have told me how much I have evolved for the better, that I look good, and present myself as being at peace with myself, and managing well my current work and personal situations.

Given all that, why am I now having dreams with people I know will never, ever, become anything else than what they are now, like ‘the beach guy’?

One night I had this dream where he and I were together out on the town somewhere. I have these quick images of standing in front of a tree he had decorated with these pretty lights for me.

I did comment how pretyy his action had been and I was happy. There was other surprises he pulled off which made me feel very flattered and special.

Then we were inside a nice car (probably his) and then, he proposed!

But, no ring! I was even happier and probably said ‘yes’ because we both kissed. But it was a simple one like in the movies, nothing that would be too overdone.

When I woke up in the morning, it was a heavy mix of emotions. Don’t get me wrong; I do want to get married again, but with him??

And as romantic as any woman can be, of course I would like the proposal to be as beautiful as can be, even more so than the first time.

I started overanalyzing the dream and realized I should be laughing about it, even feeling good about it.

I’m over this guy and shouldn’t give up my real dream of finding true love. Got to think in the positive, always.

Hmm, wonder what he has to say about it.

‘OMG had a dream last night with you that we got engaged. I woke up with a feeling of WTF. My hormones are probably out of whack,’ text I.

‘LOL,’ replied he. ‘Sorry, I don’t think I’ll ever marry again.’

‘I’m not interested in marrying you to start with. But it was interesting the way you did the whole thing.’

‘Ahh. When I do something I usually do it right, whether it be a good or bad thing.’

‘I do want to get married again someday. So I guess I was just visualizing how it would happen. Why your face was in my dream is a mystery. Probably it was as you’re saying; you’re the only guy I know who would do it in a way that would be memorable. But, no ring!’

‘No ring? That’s strange.’

‘Yes, but overall was a colorful dream and there was even a kiss.’

‘That’s good. You really are a good person and attractive.’

‘So humbling of you to think that way of me after all these years considering I can be complicated at times.’

‘You’re not complicated, just looking for love and companionship. That’s what everyone wants.’

‘I guess, although some people don’t want to have a commitment, just party and have fun.’


Well, how about that? I wasn’t expecting him to say that about me. It actually made me feel very good.

I will say it was sort of a dream of mine to clear out all that happened between us to get some peace of mind, and I think that has been manifested in a nice subconscious way.

But the proposal part? Spare me! I propose to leave the situation as it is, give it a kiss of approval and keep dreaming on.

It sucks being at work and then getting an email like this one later in the day when you’re ‘brain drained’ and just want your workday to be over and go home.

Knowing how I have evolved throughout the years, not that I needed to think over what I would say or would respond to it; I just didn’t want to use certain words that I don’t normally use.

If I already have decided to end for good whatever was happening because both of us, there was no need to communicate your thoughts in a way it’s not you.

I wanted to convey that I am confident in my position and feelings, not that his behavior has brought the ugly side of me. And that’s not what I want to be remembered for.

Unfortunately that’s how humans are; we remember the bad as small as it may be. We may do good for the longest time, and then we stumble and everyone takes notice. It doesn’t matter if the good outweighs the other; you’re recognized for how deep you fell.

‘Regarding you unfriending me, it came as no surprise. Truth is me being an old girlfriend is not the problem here regarding your relationship.

It has to do with the wife and her insecurities that I’m going to tear the two of you apart. I’m a threat to her and she needs to erase anything that’s considered to be that.

It happened to me when I was married. My a-hole ex made it clear that he didn’t want me having nothing to do with my male friends even when they were just that, friends.

It made me so miserable and isolated, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t about what was the right thing for the marriage; it was all about him and he alone.

I was lucky that my friends forgave and supported me because they love me as the true person I have always been to them.

I’ll tell you this, when the years go by and your daughter grows up and moves away, and you find yourself all alone with or without your spouse, then you will realize what a mistake it was to have let go of all the people that truly loved you. By that time I will have forgotten about you and not really interested in listening to what you have to say.

Let me ask you, would you have done the same if I were in a relationship? You and I know the answer very well.

And regarding this friendship proposal you always present to me, fact is, I’ve been the one who have been writing and reaching out to you.

This means that once I discontinue doing so, because I know you won’t, that’s it; it’s over. You’re not just unfriending me for a while, it’s for good.

Like with other guys I’ve met, if I’m not the one making the effort here, nothing happens.

So, good luck with your life because you will need it.’

“Hey girl,” said Madelyn, “what story do you have for me today?”

“Dina held a birthday celebration the other night.”

“Yeah…and what else?”

“What do you mean?”

“That there’s a guy intertwined in what you’re about to share with me. Doesn’t it always have to do with a guy?”

“Damn, you’re good,” I said.

“At times I know you better than you know yourself.” (Damn again, she really is that good.) “But I’m always intrigued in knowing the new chapters of your ‘love adventures.’”

“They haven’t exactly been that, you know that.”

“Oh, just tell me about it. I need to have a good laugh.”

“All right, this is what happened…” (I told her the whole story.)

Madelyn laughed hard over the phone. “What Dina did is so her. I would have done the same. So how do you feel about it?”

“I wasn’t happy with her pushing the guy over me. I didn’t go to her birthday with the hope of meeting a guy. I just wanted to have fun and that’s it.” (I took a pause.) “I can’t believe I actually said that.”

“Well, sweetie, you have had quite an overload of experiences one after the other. I think you got burned out and are taking a break.”

“Yeah, I’m emotionally exhausted. I haven’t gone out much lately because I am trying to stay away from situations just like this one.”

“But there’s nothing wrong on what you’re doing.”

“I know, but there are days that I wish I could have a conversation with someone while having my meal besides watching TV. And there are others that I don’t feel like sharing my space with anyone.

My lack of interest for Jesse has nothing to do with his age, or me being a cougar (or not), or doing the right thing or supposed to do. It’s just that I have stopped believing in finding true love all together.

I don’t regret the experiences I’ve had with the other guys in the past. But, in essence, none of them turned into anything worthwhile. So it’s like each moment is a constant repetition of the one before, and, for now, I just don’t want to live them again.”

“Whoa, that’s deep! I don’t recall you ever talking with such a profound analysis. But there’s more to it, isn’t it?”

You’re right about that too, again.

The first few days of Jay’s visit went very well. In fact, they were too good to be true. We both were very comfortable with each other. Everything that we did together felt very natural; it just flowed with ease.

On the third day of his trip, we drove to one of the locations of the resort he had worked for. It was in an area I’ve never been before, and the trip, more than that of the road kind, felt more like I was headed to a romantic trip, like a honeymoon.

We got to the place about two hours later and, upon arrival, many memories from my previous trip with Dina flashed before my eyes. My feeling was that this trip would be as equally memorable.

After checking-in, leaving the bags in the room, etc., we toured the resort and took advantage of some of the available activities before dinner.

Jay also located former co-workers and the encounters were as much joyful as they were a few months back.

Some hours later, when the activities were pretty much over for the daytime and the sun started to come down, Jay and I got some drinks and settled on a hammock.

After some chatting about simple things, I leaned my head on Jay’s shoulder and stared straight at the sunset. I was still wearing my sunglasses.

It was again one of those moments when I was able to briefly forget all that I’ve gone through, and allow myself to feel happy for a change. I felt a peace within me that I hadn’t for the longest time.

It was yet another almost perfect moment. I exhaled and felt that the wall I had built in front of me to protect myself came crashing down.

“I’m not here to play games,” said I to Jay while still looking forward.

“Me either.”

I felt like the universe had finally given me what I’ve asked for so long; true love.

If only I could always feel this way…

et cetera