The New M.E. Generation

I really thought that after that last phone call it was definitely over between Ivan and me. I had completely taken him out of my existence when, out of the blue, he sent me a text message sometime past 10 pm, when I was already asleep. It read the basic ‘how are you?’

This is so weird. He has never, ever, initiated a call or text before. For this to happen it’s because something extraordinary happened, even really bad. I thought about the possibilities such as that he lost his job, his health is not well, or perhaps it had something to do with his family.

Since I knew he is not much of a talker, the ‘conversation’ was continued electronically, through which I learned that his girlfriend was traveling and he was out at a bar with some friends.

Hmm, so you’re texting me because: (a) you’re realizing not getting involved with me was a mistake; (b) I’m happy with my woman, but could use some company while she’s away; (c) things are not going well and have no one else to ‘text’ to; (d) all of the above.

The texting continued until he finally revealed that things were indeed not well from his end. Of course, he didn’t specifically say what that entitled; that’s the way he always dealt with things. He would just let you know enough, but not enough to reveal his emotions or true self.

He would always say, ‘everyone has problems’ in an attempt for others to see his situation as unimportant or lesser than their own. In a way he was reacting like me; he was protecting himself from feeling any more pain than what he already was.

The conversation continued and I offered him to come over the next evening and talk, if he wanted to (or was open to that). I knew he was going to say ‘no’, but I gave it a shot. And in a twist of events, he said ‘yes’.

Damn, it must be really bad, whatever his situation may be. I hope he does show up tomorrow. Still, he can reverse to his old ways and give me the excuse that he doesn’t like talking about his issues.

Hmm, sound to be this is all about option ‘b’.

Thank goodness for networking sites, and that he had a name that was not an average one. I did a quick search and, there he was!

I was sure he was to remember me, so I sent him a message, which basically summarized my life in the last few years and our last encounter at the deli so many years ago.

I got a response the next day and kept corresponding the following ones. When we got to the specific of that day, his revelations were quite moving to me.

“I was very happy to see you,” said he, “but when I walked over to meet your ‘x’, it just didn’t feel good.

He gave me a vibe that he thought he was better than others. He didn’t like meeting me; his face said it all. That’s why I didn’t sit down at the table, as he was unwelcoming.

Even more, he completely overshadowed you, and didn’t want you to be your true self.

He didn’t even seem to be ‘real’, more like shallow or perhaps ‘empty’. His eyes didn’t show any life or substance.

I’m sad to hear what happened to you. But I think you are better off having him out of your life.

Seems to me that you have made great strides in your recovery and if there’s still any part of you from those years I used to know you for, I am sure you will come through as yourself again.”

As I was reading this, I only wanted to cry, big time. As I have reconnected with more and more people, especially guys, I could not believe how accurate they were all of ‘that guy.’

Yes, I wanted to cry, not because of the truth, but because it was right there before me throughout so many years and I let it happen.

I let him mistreat me and control me with the same result; he left me anyway.

How did I allow it? Why wasn’t I seeing it? Maybe so much negative occurred that I shut down or blocked it. Maybe I was still hoping some day things would have gotten better, or maybe change. Maybe I was holding on to the impossible.

The problem was he didn’t want to change. Instead, he placed the blame on other people or things so he didn’t have to look at himself, and accept he was the cause of the rupture on the relationship.

That’s why he left so easily, and all occurred the way they did.

I sat there and cried for a while regretting all the wasted years and how much more I hated him every day that passed.

I have no good words for him and wish him the worst in the world.

et cetera