The New M.E. Generation











“I’ve been single for a while now and I envisioned my life being something totally different from what it is now,” wrote I. “ I was confident I would have a boyfriend for sure and probably be remarried, sharing a home together.

I’m also not happy with my job. I work a lot which doesn’t leave me with that much time to have a social life; that in turn makes meeting a guy even less of a chance.

In general, I’m frustrated. I am making an effort in turning my life around but it has not worked the way I wanted.

So I feel alone, stuck, upset and much more about everything in general. What can I say? My life sucks. Hopefully this will answer your question.”

“I’m surprised you are telling me all this,” said he.” “I remember you being very happy, funny and cheerful.

I respect that you may not want to get into details about what happened to you before, as those stories I’m sure are plentiful and not always pleasant to go back to.

I only hope that you eventually get what you’re seeking.”

He remembers me for all that? Really? What I recall is that I wasn’t that much present in his life, but, hey, if I made such a good impression, that’s good.

I’m still wondering how I was able to be that during those years. My parents had divorced and I was a teenager in high school. It was a very difficult and confusing time dealing with all that. I didn’t know how I was going to pull through, but I knew I would, somehow. Sounds sort of  my life now.

And probably I gravitated towards him seeking what I was missing in my life that time.

Oh, gawd, why am I still on ‘repeat’ mode? Why can’t I just go ‘forward’ and never ‘rewind’ again?

 



I don’t remember if I ever got to see Jeffrey again after his visit to my new place. But we would talk on the phone, on and off, of course.

A few months later, his birthday came up. From our previous conversations, I knew things were still the same as usual. His relationship had gotten worse, his business was struggling, and he couldn’t see the day that his life in general would start change for the better (or he finally had the guts to make this change).

So the only thing I could do was to call him and wish him well. “Jeff, hi, it’s me. I know it’s your birthday so I wanted to wish you good things your way, and that all gets resolved for the best. Love you man.”

A few hours later he returned my call. His voice sounded that he was touched by my message and even teary-eyed. ‘Thank you very much’ was all he could say because his voice chocked.

He was on the verge of crying but he held back. I knew he was deeply sad but didn’t tell me.

I told him again that I appreciated him, thought he was a wonderful person, and that nothing would give me more peace than him finally turning his life around and be happy. All he could answer was ‘I know’ repeatedly.

Yes, I was reaching out to him, but I could feel he was holding back to accept my love for him. I know why he did.

When one has been hurt so much and the pain takes over, you don’t allow yourself for the good to touch you because one feels that, in the long run, it will turn around to become bad and hurt you yet again.

It’s easier to build a wall that shields you because it is all one has known.

We want the good, but we’re scared of it. One thinks that if we shift our emotions to neutral, or not feeling anything, we will be fine.

But we’re not.



et cetera