The New M.E. Generation

{September 7, 2020}   Looking Back 75 – What the dream?

A few weeks after having my last conversation with this guy, would you believe that he appeared in my dreams? It was one of those that made no sense; lots of details, but no explanation as to their meaning.

What I remember is the following: I was with him and he had a moustache (there was a another guy on the background that I don’t recognize). He gives me a gift; the item was folded inside on of those mesh bags used for gifting.

He says to me: “Guess what it is.” I take the item out of the bag and it unfolds into a square mouse pad. There was an abstract painting of a virgin holding a baby. The background had pastel colors of a beach scene with a sun, ocean water and sand.

I also remember that I was barefoot and walking on top of the sand, then changing into a dark wooden dock. I walked a lot, until I found myself outside this white metal gate and house, like those you find in a tropical environment.

Once I passed the gate and faced the house, I was thinking that it was getting late for me to leave (it was getting dark). I was traveling by car and I had to go back somewhere (maybe home?). The last memory was a skyview of the road in a metropolitan city, with big buildings and bright lights everywhere.

So what does these all means? Well, let’s try analyzing by parts applying the best dream interpretation.

A man with a moustache (note: he has never sported one that I know about, not even a beard): ‘represents the personality and character of a person. Also shows great leadership capacity.’ It can also mean that I admire authority, and like to be around people who are accomplished and influential because I can learn from their success.

Well, this guy sure has a personality. No doubt about it. And the leadership can apply to him having had his own medical clinic and now managing a marina.

Regarding the second part, I’ve also admired him in some way. Back in school I envied his intelligence and focus.  I thought that if I hanged out with him long enough, maybe those traits will come to me, because I was totally lost and clueless with anything and everything that was me. And when I was stuck on level 1, he had already planned getting to the next level and beyond.

Now in the present, I’ll give it to him that he started over and is on track after his ‘sabbatical’. Like I’ve told him before, “you always manage to bounce back.”

The gift: The virgin is that of the day I was born (although she is not presented with a baby within the faith), so this one is for my birthday, hence making reference of me mentioning to him previously that our dates were basically a month apart and in reverse.

And it seems I finally get to visit him (which is a wish I still hope to happen in the real), even though the gift giving problably happened while he was at work (that’s why the beach sand, dock, and another man [maybe a co-worker?]).

But the real meaning of a birthday gift is that ‘there was a pause in your life and it will soon become over.’ I hope so… I’ve been on ‘pause’ so many times I’ve lost count. And each time it feels like it will never end. Make it more like being on a bad dream all the time.

The other meaning is that I will be meeting other people for the first time. That I will encounter a social event. Not sure about the first part happening because of the pandemic. The event, yes, because my birthday is coming up and I always celebrate it with friends and/or family.

Walking barefoot on sand: That my life is not stable (makes sense because the surface of such is exactly that). and my existence always feels that way, no matter what I do to make it different.

The ‘walking’ can be that ‘a person may walk in or out of your life’. Well, this has been the dilemma with this guy; he’s never really been either or. I wished he would have been ‘in’ back in school, and now with him wanting time and space, it will never be.

The beach house: That I need to take time off and relax (don’t we all?), but first I must confront my emotional issues. True, I always have something going on with that, so it’s all on me.

The road trip: Probably making reference to my recent travels to see another guy around where he lives (which he knows about) and me still hoping to one day do the same with him. (Update: since the visited guy had plans for the long weekend, I told the latter I wanted to go see him. He declined because ‘I have to work the whole weekend.’ Bummer…)

So what’s the conclusion of all this? What’s my interpretation? That a moustache certainly doesn’t look good on him, that I got to ‘see’ him (even though he was working), and that hopefully good things will come my way soon. The issues and instability, that’s a work in progress; I’m very aware of them and can only keep on trying.

As for him, that if he ever appears again on my dreams it will be nice, one of those worth remembering, sharing, and having a good laugh with. After all, isn’t that what dreams are supposed to be?




{November 28, 2016}   The Swipe 10 – Dinner is served

I don’t recall how much time passed after my brunch with Dina and meeting with Cameron again to finally do the barbecue.

What I do remember is that it happened before my trip with Dina and that he brought all the food.

As if I haven’t had enough drama in my life already, that small BBQ that I own was actually a gift from Jay (please see the stories ‘A Spring Break in the Fall’ and ‘The Week That Was’) when he came to visit me many moons ago.

This means that every time I look at it, I always remember him. And in trying for this not to happen, I basically neglected the item by not taking care of it. I simply left it in the balcony, letting time and weather mistreat it.

When I opened it to finally clean it, it was holding some food grease for when it was used during his visit, plus dust, leaves, and whatever else managed to get inside.

‘This will be a tough one’, I thought to myself, referring to the major cleanup I had to give it. While doing that, I also remembered my past. It was a difficult time for me, as I had been divorced for a few months and the transition to my new life was challenging. Getting over Jay later on was another biggie, but eventually managed to do both.

All the grime and else felt like the collection of the emotions and memories of those years, which were now ready to be ‘cleaned away’ for good.

After I was done, I looked at it and then thought, ‘This is a nice bbq. It was nice of him to give me this. I won’t do it again of ignoring it.’ Kudos to me.

It was an even better moment seeing Cameron turning on the bbq. The soft light that the fire emitted made me feel peaceful and at ease.

What made me upset, though, was him walking barefoot to and from the balcony to inside the apartment’s white rug, especially when I had told him not to. I didn’t repeat myself, because I knew his behavior could make me say something that I could later regret.

At the same time, I really hate when some people are not considerate of other’s things, or get too comfortable thinking anything they do will be fine with you.

It made me feel he put himself first above me, which made me question his manners and common sense, which at the moment made him look as he lacked both.

Still, the bbq worked fine and his cooking turned out good. He even stayed to watch a movie with me on TV (“He’s Not That Into You”), which provided 2 awkward/defining moments of the night.

The first being a scene between the characters Beth and Neil; she questions him if he has intentions of marrying her and he replies that ‘he doesn’t believe in marriage’, to which she says: “Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit for every woman who’s been told by some guy that he doesn’t believe in marriage just to see him turn around 8 months later and marry some 24 year old he met at the gym.” (Notice the important detail here? Yes, the 20-something.) Cameron reacted slightly, which meant it hit a cord with him.

The second moment was towards the end of the film when Cam received a text message. He had placed his mobile facing up on my coffee table in front of the TV .

I became confused and accidentally blurted out, “who’s that?” in a semi-inquiring tone, because it was so late in the evening. Cameron quickly looked at the screen and then back to the movie; he didn’t answer me.

Of course it made me suspicious that it was another woman. For crying out loud, tell me a white lie that it’s your teenage daughter or something. Be creative for once.

What his reaction did create was an overwhelming thought in my mind of “esto no va para ningún lado; se jodío” (or ‘this (whatever it is) is going nowhere; it’s fucked up’). I don’t know what got into me; it was as if someone got inside my head and told me so. I even lost track of the movie for a few minutes.

Since Cam didn’t open the message, it reappeared, which made me feel uneasy again. I then looked away and thought, ‘definitely not happening’.

I got my attention back into the movie and ignored the text message incident. But when the movie ended and Cameron was walking out the door to leave, he then looked at his mobile and said to me something to the extent of that ‘he had received soccer games scores’.

I don’t know if I heard him well or not. He didn’t behave like he was hiding something from me either. But, who knows; at that point of the early Sunday hours, anything is possible, even a ‘wake-up call’ from the universe, that this situation between Cam and I have been served and that the ending of it all is not going to be that tasty.

Shoot! I’ve seen Cameron like 4 times, 5 tops, and now there won’t be a another round, not even dessert?

“(Kate): I wish there was a cookbook for life, you know? Recipes telling us exactly what to do. / (Therapist): You know better than anyone, it’s the recipes that you create yourself that are the best.” -No Reservations

That may be true, but I think the ones I’ve used before have not given me the results I expected. Blame it on the ingredients, blame on the timing. Whatever it is, they’re either burning, sticking, not rising, or preparing they way they should.

Sounds like this experience is not a ‘well done’ of doing the best I could (which I have), but a ‘well done’ that it has already reached its ‘boiling point’ and there’s nothing else to do. I guess it means that I need to start over from scratch yet again.

Time to use the cookbook (a.k.a., dating app) one more time? Most probably so.


et cetera