The New M.E. Generation











The next day we exchanged texts again about other random things. Don’t recall what we were chatting about when he says: “I’m sure you’re still as beautiful as ever”.

I was one of those ‘ahhh’ moments that shook me to my core. One of those when you had completely forgotten how good it feels like when reading such a thought like that. And, how are you supposed to respond to such a message?

Honestly, my mind went blank about what to say other than thanking him. Since I’ve never been able to ‘go below the surface’ and find out what he’s really made of, I felt me opening about my feelings now was not the right thing to do.

Another few days later, again talking nonsense, I finally braved up to say: “I was meaning to ask you. Are you seeing anyone?”

He: “Nah.”

Me: “No nurses?” (Recap: he once got involved with another, probably one of many. When I saw on social media that he sent roses to her for Valentine’s and she posted the photo of the arrangement along with all this romantic text thanking him, I unfriended him immediately. I learned later on that when he tried to break-up with her, she threatened to kill herself. This may sound like a General Hospital episode, but no surprise here.

One word: Karma. It’s not the first time that guys say they’re not interested in me, to then hook up with some chick that later turned out to be a psycho bitch, to then reappear as if nothing has happened.’)

Him: “No nurses. Had a GF nurse. Broke up about 4-5 weeks ago.”

(So that’s why he came back… I told you so that there was something more here!)

Him: “I don’t do liars or cheaters.”

Me: “She cheated on you?”

Him: “Yup.”

Me: “Ouch! How did you find out?” (Karma. Again. And I didn’t say I was sorry for what happened to him because I’m not.)

Him: “I went to leave a love note in her wallet and there was someone else’s love note in there.” (Dude, you can’t go into other people’s things! Did you check her phone too while you were at it?)

And, what? He revealed his feelings? He expressed them on paper? Whoa!

But, Karma, again, of course. You never really wanted me and now life is getting back at you. Hurts doesn’t it? Wouldn’t be surprised it was that extremely bleached blond from your photo in the boat.

I don’t remember him being romantic with me, ever. I, on the other hand, was the one who once did write a note to him.

When my school held the annual Farewell Assembly for his graduating class, the custom was that you could send, and had delivered, cards and else from other students.

I decided to send him a card; I debated first whether it was worth doing it or not. After deciding to do so, I then had difficulty deciding what to say beyond the expected congratulations and well wishes.

I probably wrote something to the extent that ‘I will never forget you’, ‘Will miss you’, or ‘You’ll always have a friend here’. Thoughts that we tell others, but not always follow through later on.

Thoughts that in the heat of the moment touch our hearts greatly, to later maybe get forgotten once the day is over and the cards are put away, and we walk out the door towards the next chapter of our life.

I remember the event being held in the auditorium with people from the 7-11 grades. His class was sitting on the stage in about 4 rows of chairs. He happened to be on the first row towards stage left. He was wearing like a light brown suit with the darkest of tans.

My class was also sitting to that side, so I had a good view of him. When someone stood in front of him to give him the envelopes, he first had a look of ‘oh, for me?’. He held his hand open to accept them. 1-2-3-4. By the third one, his eyes opened wide and the face changed to a surprised one.

He read one by one. At one point he looked my way with teary eyes (yes I’m sure!), but don’t know if they were intended for me.

As the activity came to an end, many students jumped on stage to dance to “Come Sail Away“, the chosen theme song. I, of course, took the opportunity to be next to him. He did break out in some dance (yes he did!), and I shed some tears to which he didn’t react to much.

As the years go by, no matter what I do, I always go back to that day when I hear that song.

“I look to the sea; reflections in the waves spark my memory. / Some happy, some sad. / I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had.”

Yep, if only life could be as easy as a day at the beach.

 

 

 

 



I’ve been doing something for some time that I shouldn’t be, and it has been reaching out to this former college love interest when I know well I shouldn’t be.

Every so often I send him an email, especially when I’m sad, have a guy issue, or just simply want to have someone to listen to me on whatever matter is causing me to feel upset towards life in general.

The real sad part about this is that if he replies, he usually does it from his phone, using incorrect grammar because he’s obviously writing in a rush.

He always apologizes for doing it quickly because there’s always something going on in his life (meaning his family) and time is limited.

The end part of the message always has the same tone; he repeats that he’s my friend and hopes we continue to be, wishes me good things, and that all works out for me.

The last entry means that I find a guy that appreciates who I am and that finally stays with me for the long haul.

This may all sound great, but it hasn’t fulfilled the emotional need that still clings me to him. As much as I was trying to forget him all together, something always reminds me of him, especially when I hear his first name.

It is so ridiculous, I raise my head up looking for him as if he was to magically appear.

The other thing I do is check my emails constantly after I send him one, waiting for his reply. I can read it loud and clear, but don’t want to read between the lines.

It translates that he’s doing it because he feels sorry for me. He always wishes me well and that I find the guy deserving for me because he tries to make me feel better towards the lousy situation I’m going through.

It’s like getting a second place prize. I know what his situation is, but I get disappointed that he doesn’t respond that way I want to. I want him to tell that somewhere within him he still feels something for me.

I’m behaving like a juvenile, hoping the universe will play its part to turn things around the way I wished for.

What’s wrong with me? After all these years and what I’ve gone through, I should have learned my lesson already.

Yes, we may still communicate via email, he re-opened his profile on social media and I became his friend again.

But his wife and daughter are seeing what I post (again, why am I doing it when I know it?) and I’m exposed to all other people within their list.

I may be single and available to do whatever I want, but I’m stretching it so far that I’m making a fool of myself.

Actually, I’m probably pushing to be considered something unpleasant, like a bitch and idiot who has no clue that my behavior is totally unacceptable.

Definitely not a nice picture to put yourself into.



It has been a while since I have exchanged communication with this ‘beach guy’.

Ironically his birthday came up for the year, so I congratulated him on his page. He again thanked me, and everyone else who posted something, for the well wishes.

But, he didn’t specify what he did to celebrate. I assumed he spend it with his family at the beach since he’s there every chance he gets.

I believe the next day he sent me a message that blew me away like a storm.

‘You probably don’t know, but I’ve been separated from my wife since the beginning of the year.’

Say what? How did this happen?

I was so shocked about the news I started getting really anxious. More than that he was in this situation, I was overwhelmed at the many people whose relationship had not worked.

There was a time when people were getting married, then having a family, followed by a period of ‘quietness’ were all was fine.

Then the problems would begin or occurrences of bad couple situations. People got separated and divorced, and the end of the relationships would turn out very ugly.

This guy was another one I never envisioned going through this. I was actually envying him because I thought his life was going so well.

The other aspect of his situation that made me nervous was the timing. The beginning of the year also correlated with me facing an unexpected situation that took several months to resolve.

It kept going around my mind and wondered if there was some divine intervention in all this. Is this a signal that perhaps we might get together again? Is he perhaps part of the ‘master plan’ that he talked about that the universe has supposedly designed for me?

OMG! Anxiety rising!



et cetera