The New M.E. Generation











This guy is something else! He replied to my email once again and shared some surprising stuff with me. “I’m not mad at you or anything. To be honest, I couldn’t believe you were seeing me. I was out of your league.”

Out of my league? What’s that supposed to mean? I replied, “What are you talking about? I was the one who wasn’t nice. Besides, if I had felt something uncomfortable about you, I wouldn’t have made friends with you. It had not nothing to do with not being at your level.”

Wait, does it mean I was a snob? And regarding him being ‘out of my league,’ was it that I was too pretty to be with him? I remember him having confidence with himself and cute. I wasn’t that extraordinary as it regards to my looks (well, according to me). What did he really meant by that?

I was still feeling sad about my experience until I opened some photos he enclosed of his child. They were literally a mini him. I was so happy for him, but sad for myself. Once again, I wondered if one day I would have it all.

But, what would that mean, having it all?

 

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Now I was the one who dropped the bomb.

“What do you mean?” said Alex very surprised. The roles were reversed, as he didn’t see this one coming.

“It’s simple. If I no longer go out with you, I’ll proof to you that I’m not with you because I don’t want to be alone or that I need anything from you.”

Alex didn’t know what to say (role reversal again). “You don’t have to take such a drastic measure.”

“Well, it’s the only way that I know. And I’m in no position in trying to proof you wrong when I don’t think anything will work while I’m still seeing you. My feeling is nothing that I do will be good enough.”

“So what happens now?”

“If you still want to see me, I will continue as your friend. But if I have to modify my behavior or act in a way to prove your point, forget it. I have been true to you and myself throughout this time, and I’m not going to change.

I did that far too long when I was married; having to proof, what, when I hadn’t done anything wrong.”

“Sounds to me you’re not facing this situation” said Alex.

“Sounds to me you’re not dealing with your insecurities and are throwing them at me. You think I’m the one with the problem. It’s always easier to place the blame on other things or people.

What you should do is ask yourself why you are with me and maybe you will find the conclusion to this whole situation.”

We kept our ‘conversation’ and I definitely was not going down ‘without a fight.’ Strange, though, I felt very empowered and confident on my position. I wasn’t questioning myself on anything I was saying or doing.

Why am I with him? Maybe because I needed to finally see how much I’ve grown; that I don’t need anyone to question me or make myself doubt of who I am; or that I need someone next to me to feel good about my whole existence or fill a space within me.

That I don’t want to be alone? True, who doesn’t? But, you know what? I’ve been getting along like that just fine.



I couldn’t shake off my frustration so I decided to call Dina and get her advice on what to do. After I briefed her on what had happened, her tone of voice was one of no surprise at all.

“Better get used to it ‘cause that’s how it is,” said she.

“What do you mean?”

“That guys in general are like that. You meet one, you go out with them once, lucky if twice, and then you never hear from them again.

They don’t tell you anything, never bother to call back, or whatever other reason they might have. It all boils down that they are not interested.”

“But how can this person come up with any conclusions about me when we only had one conversation?”

“Maybe you said something that turned him off or, whatever. You know what, it has happened to me quite a few times before that it doesn’t affect me any more.

If I were you, I wouldn’t even bother calling again. I would let it rest.”

“But he was surprised and grateful that I called him and he said to give him a call back. I mean, there’s a possibility that something happened to him or  his mobile.”

“Of course anything’s possible. It’s possible that, yes, he was genuinely happy that you called, as well as that he lost interest in the middle of the conversation.

Even more, he told you to call him back to not hurt your feelings. The list goes on and on.”

“So if that is the case, why are you still seeing that guy?”

“Because I haven’t put my emotions into it yet, so when he decides to leave I won’t get hurt.”

“I don’t get you. If you know that he, like others, will eventually behave the same way, why keep at it?”

“I told you, I’m not getting emotionally involved. I’m just going with the flow. Mark my words, in the end, it will lead to nothing.”

I was even more confused than when Dina and I started talking.

I know she was right about them guys disappearing, which has also happened to me. But Christian sounded sincere when we spoke. I think that if he became uninterested, he would have communicated that to me in some way.

Now my frustration has gotten worse.

Now what?



I called Jeffrey’s number and, to my surprise, he answered almost immediately. Not that much time had elapsed between his call and mine, so it was expected that he would recognize my number.

“Hey, Jeff, how are you? So nice of you to call.”

“Yeah, like I said, I was on your ‘hood, on business actually, and remembered you lived here, so I decided to call.”

“Oh, and what kind of work do you do that takes you into the nighttime?”

“I have my own line of men’s clothes.”

“Wow, you’re a designer!”

“I’m trying to. For now I’m concentrated on custom-made shirts designed with different styles.”

“Sounds to me that you’re well on your way. Would love to see your work.”

“Well, I’m working on my website, so hopefully you should be able to do so soon.”

I was curious to get ‘the real deal’ on his marital status so I finally asked him about it.

“So, hmm, what’s going on with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your friend at the bar said you were in a ‘complicated relationship,’ which means?”

“I’m married.”

“Whoa! But you’re so young. How long have you been?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Jeff’s tone of voice quickly shifted from nice to somewhat upset. I had touched a nerve that obviously hurt very badly.

“Listen, I don’t know the details of your relationship. But I will say this: I invested 15 years of my life to one guy who, at the end of the day, left me because ‘he was unhappy.’

If the two of you are having problems, but still want to make it work, by all means go for it. I’m going through a divorce and it’s totally miserable.

But if things are so bad, it’s better to end it, and not let 15 years go by to restart your life. Do it while you’re still young.”

I was lecturing this guy and felt like crap. I felt old and that my life was headed towards a dead end.

Jeffrey was still sounding bad over the phone so the only remaining thing to say to him was to offer myself as a ‘sympathetic ear’ wherever he needed to talk to someone.

Now listen to myself! My husband dumped me, I’m fresh into a divorce process and I’m giving relationship advice? Who am I kidding? (Myself.)

The conversation ended in a sort of sour note and I was more concentrated on how depressed and lousy I felt than of wondering if any communication between Jeffrey and me had any remote chance of occurring again.

Has this ‘cougar moment’ come to an end?



A couple of weeks go by and there’s no sign of Brian.

Yes, I have been staring at my phone constantly ever since that night I met him and I’m taking this whole thing very personal.

I’m depressed. I mean, really depressed…

This whole dating game is lousy and is making me hate my love life with a passion.

Trying to come to some sort of resolution about what is happening to me in this aspect of my life was as difficult as trying to define the meaning of my existence.

No person is better in making me push myself to the border and find the answers I don’t want to face than Madelyn. OK, it’s time for some real good girl chat.

“Maddy, what I’m supposed to do here? I’m mad with myself for not asking Brian for his number. I let him go because he reminded me so much of my ex. I got scared that my life would repeat itself, and now I feel I let a good opportunity pass by and it sucks!”

“Ay chica (oh girl), the second part about your ex, we’ve discussed that way too much already,” said she. “The first part, though, you know very well what to do. Don’t give me that run around. ‘Conmigo no’ (not me). You know me better than that!”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Just go to the firehouse and find him, that’s what I mean!” said Madelyn.

“Say what??” I expressed it like I had not thought about that before, but was afraid to admit it, especially to myself.

“Didn’t he tell you where the station he works at is located? Then go to the Internet, do a search for the address, get on you car, drive there and, that’s it, problem solved!” said she.

There was long silent pause from my part.

“Emma, from what I know you for, you are an adventurous person. Unfortunately that part of you was also shattered during your marriage. But look at you now; you’ve gotten your life back together, you’ve traveled, you’ve come a long way since the break-up… Just rediscover this part of yourself and go for it,” said Madelyn.

She’s right; I’ve come a long way and I am in a much better place than a year or so ago when everything unraveled. Considering all the things I’ve lost already with my divorce, what else could I loose now?

“And what am I going to say when I see him, if that happens? I mean, maybe he doesn’t want to see me…” I said sort of sad.

“That your cat is stuck on a tree, that you are in need of mouth to mouth resuscitation, that your lifelong fantasy has been to slide down the pole at the fire station and getting a wedgie… C’mon sweetie, you’re a creative person! You can come up with a line that impresses him,” said Madelyn.

“I don’t have a cat,” said I.

“Call me back when you bring down the house,” concluded Madelyn.



Madelyn called me the next day.

“So, how was it last night?” she asked curiously.

“Good. Met some people, made some contacts…,” I explained.

“I also meant the firefighter,” she said seriously.

“That went well too,” I said in a reserved voice.

“Oh, c’mon, you know, and I surely do, that it wasn’t that bad!! Admit it,” said she.

“What do you mean?” I asked her kind of scared of being told the truth, like she always does.

“That you had the chance to leave when I sent you the text message. You could have told him that you were meeting up with a friend or something. You had the perfect excuse to leave but, instead, you chose to stay.”

Amen.

She’s right. It wasn’t that bad.

I really didn’t want to leave Brian, but I knew that have I stayed longer, I would have probably ended up doing something I would have later regretted.

Like, what? Getting burned?

I can’t even answer that myself.



et cetera