The New M.E. Generation











I know I’ve said many times over that the best thing for me to do is stay away from people that are not good for me, especially guys that just drop off radar for no apparent reason.

Every so often I’ve broken my own promise of doing so. Case in point, Ivan. He’s one of the few that once in a while I send him a text. Chances of response are slim; calls are not really worth the effort. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesn’t, and if he does call, the conversation is limited to no more than 5 minutes, if that.

So if it is so complicated, why do I reach out to him? Good question.

I recently started calling people I haven’t spoken to for some time and his name always comes to mind. But this time I decided to text. This way would just do it and forget about the rest.

“Hey Ivan, what’s going on?” is all I wrote.

A few days later, while at my lunch break, the phone rang; it was him.

“Emma (—-)”. I couldn’t understand the second part of what he was saying. It sounded like ‘ciao’.

“Why are you saying ‘good-bye’ to me?” asked I.

“No, I’m saying hello in my native language.”

“Oh, ok; I wasn’t expecting your call.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been working so much and my employer got sick, and it has been crazy…” This is not the first time I’ve heard this. I was getting a stomach ache of just listening to him. In fact, it’s the norm for him; working until he drops, with no fun or something good to talk about.

“I can sense in your voice that you’re really stressed out. Surprised you didn’t say you got sick yourself.”

“I just need to seriously take a vacation. But you think they would care about me or how I feel??”

“No, they don’t, unfortunately.” And it doesn’t just include work, it refers to many people in general. “You know, you don’t have to go very far to disconnect. It’s just a matter of really resting and not having to worry about anything else.”

“I know. I used to be more fun, had more of a social life. Now I just want to go home and sleep.”

“There’s nothing wrong with doing that,” said I. “Besides, you don’t need to fulfill other people’s expectations, only yours.” (Silence from him.) “So, are you dating anyone?”

“Ah, yes, no; going out with somebody. She’s been very helpful with me with an investment I’m trying to do.”

“Sounds like you feel obligated to be with her because of that.”

“Well, she’s a good woman overall. What about you?”

“I tried that website you told me about and got a lot of too young guys just wanting to sleep with me. And the ones my age look really bad.”

Ivan started laughing. I think it’s the first time I hear him do this. “How about church?” asked he. “Where I go there are many single guys.”

“Mine is full of families. Your town is another market; it’s party central.”

“Listen, I have to go, but we should get a coffee or something some time.”

“Ivan, you know how many times you’ve told me that? I’ve given up on you.”

“I know, everyone has given up on me.”

“I meant that most probably you and I won’t get to see each other again. You’re a good guy. You just have to stop living life for others.” (Silence again.) “Don’t do as I did and found myself totally lost when I got divorced, with no sense of who I was.” (More silence.) “Like I said, you’re a good guy. And I call you because a supreme force gets in my head telling me to do so. What can I say?”

Ivan was speechless and I felt that his anxiety sort of calmed down. The words I had said flowed out in a way as if it was someone else delivering them through me.

After hanging up I knew the universe was the one to blame. Ivan is going through a never-ending difficult time and was emotionally in a desperate need for some sympathetic support.

It was almost as he needed a miracle. You know what, it actually did.



‘Hi Johann!! I can’t believe it’s you!’ I replied to the email. ‘Would you believe I have been looking for you? You were nowhere to be found. So glad you reached out to me. What’s going on with you?’

I summarized my life from when I last knew about him until now, leaving all the negative aspects out and concentrating more on how happy I was that we had reconnected.

He replied the next day expressing surprise about my search and was equally happy that he had found me. He was still married and has three children, all pretty much grown up. He is still in the navy and living in the same place.

I got the sense that his life was well and stable, that he hasn’t had that much disappointments or difficult times. It was the same feeling that he used to convey when we used to write each other.

Thinking about that made me feel envious of him. It has been years since I’ve had a happy moment or interesting experience to remember.

He had everything I strived for: a family, home, tranquil life. I have none of that and haven’t had a relationship since becoming single again.

What’s his secret? Why can’t I have a life like that? At least I am glad that one of those who have a good one is he because he deserves it.

He was a great friend before and now knowing that he was actually looking for me makes me feel good. It’s wonderful to know that he’s one of many whom I touched their loved before, never forgot me, and now want me back into their lives.

It’s another validation that this journey of finding myself again has been all worth it. Hey, it’s a work in progress, but can’t wait to get there.

Hopefully now we won’t disconnect again.



I kept trying to locate him online, but continued to have no luck. I even enlisted the help of someone who had lived in his country, with the hopes that she could do a better search than me.

This person even traveled there for the holidays one year and I felt compelled to ask her if she could try to locate Johann.

But with the possibility that he was still married and I not knowing how he would react that me, via a total stranger, was looking for him, I thought it was best not to.

Although I told her about my connection with him, it was also a lot to ask for her to do, especially on vacation.

So when even her help didn’t work either, I decided to desist from it. I took it as a sign that maybe he wasn’t into me finding him and life was simply protecting me from getting hurt. It did anyway.

Many months went by and I was busy at something when he came to my mind. I was perplexed that I was so concentrated on what I was doing and this happened.

I had to stop all together and questioned myself, ‘what’s going on?’ I even felt confused and couldn’t find an explanation to what I was experiencing.

A few days later I was checking my emails in my profile when I received one that read, ‘are you Emma, the one who lived at this address?’

It was he! I saw his picture and knew it was he right away. He looked exactly as I remembered him.

All my memories passed through my mind in an instant. It was as if time had stood still.



I didn’t exactly get my dream, but more of a wish, sort of.

One night, out of nowhere, this ‘unfriend’ guy emailed me. It was totally unexpected.

It was the same scenario as before; his wife and child were away and he took the opportunity to contact me.

I called him first and there was a rush when I heard his voice again. Then we connected online and saw him live for the first time in more than a year.

Oh, my! He looked tired and that he has aged, a lot. It was as if his life had hit him hard. In other words, he’s unhappy.

At least he was very happy to see me. His amazing blue eyes lighted up incredibly. I even got complemented on how I looked.

“Wow, look at you!” said he. “You look great! I can tell you have lost weight. You’re like fine wine, you get better with the years.”

I have lost weight, some, but I’m glad he commented on it. It was a great ego boost. But I wish I could say the same about him.

“Hey, are you ok?” I asked him. “Sorry to tell you, but, you don’t look that good.”

His eyes looked down and his demeanor a changed. He held his face on his hand. “Well, I’m tired. It’s been a long day. Was taking care of things around the house…”

I kept looking at him and I knew he wasn’t telling me all the truth. I may have lost weight, but he certainly hasn’t ‘lost’ those situations we spoke about last year.

I felt sorry for him and wished I could be there next to him. Maybe if he opened up to me again he might feel better.

“Seriously, what’s going on?”



After I sent the email I put my mind into something else. It was one of those few moments in which I would do something and not dwell or kept thinking about what would happen next.

After a few hours of not checking my emails, I finally did. At that moment, I got the curiosity if any outcome had occurred. And it did. He replied.

“Hey, nice to hear from you after all this time. My life is going well with work, kids and else. Give me a call and let’s talk and get an update of everything that’s going on. You probably still have my number, but here it is just in case.”

Wow, that was so unexpected, the part of being so nice and even providing his number. I did expect a reply, but not this type.

Although something written can be interpreted in many ways, it gave me a good vibe. It was the feeling of being an invitation to reopen the lines of communication.

So now that I got the response I really wished for, more than excited, I’m scared.

Of course I will call him. How I speak over the phone is another thing. No room to repeat mistakes.

Damn, what have I gotten myself into?



{September 2, 2011}   The Undateables 5 – Let’s do it

Just when I had forgotten about him, I received an email that he was back and wanted to set up a day to meet, as well as his phone number for me to call him to coordinate.

Oh, well, I wrote the information down and waited to get home to call. I started to get nervous before I dialed. ‘Let’s get this over with’ and did it. (‘Please don’t answer, please don’t answer…)

Got my wish, he did not. But…he returned mine not that much time later.

“Well, hey,” said he, “what’s going on?” (Oh, no. His voice sounds weird; too perky for my taste. Maybe that was the catch for that chick.)

“Not much, working. Pretty much what people do (except you).” There was a brief silence during the call, meaning not much chemistry there. “But I am glad we finally speak.”

“Yeah, your friend is a dear buddy of mine, and if you’re a good friend of him as well, I just knew you were someone good to meet.” (I’ve heard this before. Have these two been talking behind my back?) “So, when is it going to happen?”

“You tell me, I’m pretty flexible.”

“OK, let’s do this on Friday at 7pm. Think about what you want to do and we’ll go for it. I’ll pick you up.”

“All right, until then.”

What to do? You’re asking me? Aren’t you the crazy one?

What could I think about of doing that might impress him?

And he picks me up? Now that would be totally nuts.



I called Jeffrey’s number and, to my surprise, he answered almost immediately. Not that much time had elapsed between his call and mine, so it was expected that he would recognize my number.

“Hey, Jeff, how are you? So nice of you to call.”

“Yeah, like I said, I was on your ‘hood, on business actually, and remembered you lived here, so I decided to call.”

“Oh, and what kind of work do you do that takes you into the nighttime?”

“I have my own line of men’s clothes.”

“Wow, you’re a designer!”

“I’m trying to. For now I’m concentrated on custom-made shirts designed with different styles.”

“Sounds to me that you’re well on your way. Would love to see your work.”

“Well, I’m working on my website, so hopefully you should be able to do so soon.”

I was curious to get ‘the real deal’ on his marital status so I finally asked him about it.

“So, hmm, what’s going on with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your friend at the bar said you were in a ‘complicated relationship,’ which means?”

“I’m married.”

“Whoa! But you’re so young. How long have you been?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Jeff’s tone of voice quickly shifted from nice to somewhat upset. I had touched a nerve that obviously hurt very badly.

“Listen, I don’t know the details of your relationship. But I will say this: I invested 15 years of my life to one guy who, at the end of the day, left me because ‘he was unhappy.’

If the two of you are having problems, but still want to make it work, by all means go for it. I’m going through a divorce and it’s totally miserable.

But if things are so bad, it’s better to end it, and not let 15 years go by to restart your life. Do it while you’re still young.”

I was lecturing this guy and felt like crap. I felt old and that my life was headed towards a dead end.

Jeffrey was still sounding bad over the phone so the only remaining thing to say to him was to offer myself as a ‘sympathetic ear’ wherever he needed to talk to someone.

Now listen to myself! My husband dumped me, I’m fresh into a divorce process and I’m giving relationship advice? Who am I kidding? (Myself.)

The conversation ended in a sort of sour note and I was more concentrated on how depressed and lousy I felt than of wondering if any communication between Jeffrey and me had any remote chance of occurring again.

Has this ‘cougar moment’ come to an end?



Following his second trip, Jay and I continued corresponding to each other. But, this time, the talk was about me going to Canada. He had pretty much presented a tentative week to do so, and I was waiting for the right time to purchase the ticket.

But, one day, something he said in an online conversation started to give me an uneasy feeling. Here’s how it happened: I called him via the internet, like I was basically doing every day and, don’t know how the comment occurred, but he said that there was no need for me to do so.

“What? I thought you really liked my daily texting and calls; that they were things you looked forward to.”

“I do, but you don’t have to every single day,” he responded.

“All right, I won’t, if that’s how you feel about it.”

So I did. I kept calling and texting, but to a lesser degree. I was confused by his comment and started to wonder if his feelings for me had shifted.

And they did, and I found out quite unexpectedly, through another conversation. I wanted to finally choose a day for me to arrive to Canada, but Jay was not giving me a final answer, plus his enthusiasm for me making the trip wasn’t quite there as before. I then confronted him during the call.

“Jay, what’s going on? Do you want me to make this trip or not?”

“Well, Emma do you remember what we discussed about seeing other people? (At that moment, I felt all the stars in the universe collided and a big explosion suddenly hit me.) There is a person that I met that lives in my community and I want to go out with her.”

“I never said we couldn’t see or go out with other people as long as the relationship was only of that of a friendship.”

“I’m trying to be honest with you as also discussed. I don’t know what will happen here. I could go out with her and nothing happens afterwards or she may turn out to be as someone I would like to pursue. I thought my obligation was to tell you before the date.”

I didn’t say a word for I don’t know how long. Sadness engulfed me and just wanted to cry.

“Jay, you have no idea how much I wanted to make this trip, how much it meant to me!”

“I know and I’m sorry, but I felt it would have been unfair to you for me to go out with this person, develop an interest in her, and afterwards having you come down to visit.

The other thing, Emma, is, you’re still dealing with a lot of issues that also turned me away. One day, for example, you talked about your divorce seven times in one day. You’re definitely not ready to be involved with anyone yet, especially me.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose…I’m sorry,” is all I could say. “You have your issues too, so don’t point all the blame on me. I wanted to make this trip so bad you have no idea, and now you took that chance away from me.

And I will say this, whatever outcome results of this date, don’t even think about calling me saying you still have an interest or feelings for me.”

Jay apologized again during the call. Whatever else he said I don’t remember and, quite frankly, doesn’t matter. The damage was done and so was the relationship, or whatever we had together.

After the conversation concluded, I remained seated for some time and tears came down my eyes. I knew that, in the long run, this distant thing would have ended anyways, but not this soon.

I envisioned it occurring after my trip, after finally sharing our lives to the fullest possible, after all had been said and done.

But I guess it was meant to happen this way so the hurt wouldn’t be as bad, so I wouldn’t feel guilty of doing it if it had been me the one who met someone else, before I invested any more of my feelings on him.

It was hard to accept it, but his time and presence, like all the other guys before him, had come to an end. It was time, once again, to pick-up the pieces and move on.

But it hurts; it hurts a lot.



I don’t remember for how long I was involved with Ricky. I don’t recall being that much (maybe a couple of months?), but it was long enough for my ‘baggage’ to surface and for him to show his ugly side.

What I mean by this is that because I was fresh out of a divorce, I started talking of all the negative things associated to it. And, of course, there’s as much as one person can take.

I saw Ricky starting to get mad at me or at things that to me were not really such a big issue. He also started spending less and less time with me or at my place, to the point he was no longer around.

The last time I was with him was at his office. I had gone there because I needed his help with something, but also had an excuse to meet with him with the hope that I would have ‘that conversation.’ You know, the one usually referred to as ‘we need to talk,’ when you want to decide if to either end or continue with whatever there is between two people.

All I remember was that when I managed to bring up the subject, Ricky’s reaction was of non-acknowledgement about us. Then his tone of voice shifted to one of sounding upset, and him expressing something to the extent that nothing was going on, or something like that.

For me, there was no point in saying anything else, so I decided to leave. When I was about to walk out the door he asked, “what’s going on?” (Yes, he did have the nerve to ask me this!)

“Well, you said what you had to say. But because I have a different position than yours, right now I think it’s irrelevant what I wanted to say. Take care.” I proceeded to exit the door and out of this (what?).

And that’s how it ended, quickly and to the point.

That was on a Saturday. It was a long weekend and all my friends were out of town. I didn’t heard from him at all.

I went right back where I started: alone, but now even more confused. All I could wonder if this was all that life had in store for me. If it is, it’s going to be a very lonely road, that’s for sure.



et cetera