The New M.E. Generation











During the drive back to his apartment there was no mention of the incidents that had unfolded earlier.

I do remember that he requested that if I went to the beach and back to the apartment with his car, to please hose down the undercarriage around the tires so the sand wouldn’t build up and affect the transmission. He showed me how to do it before entering the apartment.

I don’t remember well the sequence of events from that moment forward, but I did go back to the beach on my own another day, went back to the apartment, then picked him up at school.

Upon returning home, he knew I didn’t do the what he told me to just by looking at the car. “You didn’t wash it, right?” said he with a face off ‘I can tell.’

“Yes, I did”, said I with a tone that wasn’t even convincing to myself.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head as you do when you know your child is not telling the truth. So he grabbed the hose and took care of it.

I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. All that he has asked of me was to do this simple task considering the hospitality he had extended to me.

I had a mild rebellious side of not doing what others told me, but I knew better than that. Besides, neither of us was raised that way. We were taught to respect and take care of other people’s things, especially when they were borrowed.

My friend’s reaction was not knew to me, because at times my behavior was what he referred to as ‘a little cold’. This meant I would stay stuck on you like one that refused to end. I wasn’t behaving bad, but at times dealing with me was like that.

I was someone that regardless you loved me or not, I would always leave some residue on people that would make them remember me.

The next event I recall was that both were taking naps, as we were to go out that evening. I was in his bed and he downstairs in the sofa. I don’t know how long I rested for, but when I woke up the home was very quiet.

I then walked to the staircase and sat mid-way to look at him while he joyfully slept. I didn’t want to wake him up, so I just sat there, looking.

I don’t know what made me do this, but it was as if something told me to. It was a weird moment as if life was asking me to define what was I to do with him.

But because of my insecurities of the time, I instead thought about how great his life looked in comparison to mine: he had overcome the past and knew exactly how to take hold of the future. He was living the way I wished I could do, but didn’t know how to get there.

I was so into thinking about myself that I didn’t consider if he could become part of that change or my life as a whole as he had been for so long.

It was one of those moments that you’re ‘looking down’ at things and you’re just sitting there wondering what to do next.

In other words, there’s this opportunity a few steps away that could alter your existence all together and you’re not reacting to it? Am I stepping forward or backwards?

The answer coming up next…

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I’ve pretty much managed to archive all these guys that I gave closure to. But it’s inevitable that something triggers thinking about them from time to time.

Take for example, Erik. Every time I come across something related to Sweden, he comes to mind. It got to a point that I really questioned myself, whatever happened to him after I last saw him?

I decided to give him a ‘second rest’ and try to communicate with him one last time. I wasn’t looking to get anything out of it, just to say ‘hello’ and wish him well.

I did a search and found him on a networking site and luckily was able to send him a message, which read something like, ‘hey, how are you? I saw something on TV about your home country, so I thought about you. I’m doing fine and I’m sure you’re too. If you ever want to talk, let me know and will get in touch.’

All right, done. I’m sure this is definitely the last time so I’m glad I did this.

But…he did answer back, about three weeks later. Now that’s a turnaround of events!

He opened his email pretty much like mine, but he was relocating to Asia at the end of the month. He also gave me his number and said to call him whenever I wanted.

Wow, moving and quite far (for me)! Well, he’s European and made it all the way over here so he should be fine.

I was glad he answered, but deeply envied him. There are days when I wished exactly that, getting out of here and go somewhere really far. I almost felt like saying, ‘can you take me with you?’

Unfortunately, I’m stuck here for now and all I can do is wish and work for something better.

So, then, am I going to call him? The question is, do I want or really need to even though I was the one suggesting it? No, not really. I’ll just reply.

“I’m very happy for you. I wish you all the best and I know you will excel. Let’s try to keep in touch from time to time. Regards.”

That felt really good.

Now, what’s next?



I gave myself enough time to heal my wounds and think what I was to do next. He may have ended any relationship there was with me, but I was not done with him, not yet.

So I decided to write him and do what was pending from my behalf, take him out of my existence as well, to which I expressed like this:

‘I’m basically writing to let you know that I will no longer be contacting you. You made a decision regarding me whom I have no control of, and can only accept it whether I like it or not.

Right now I serve no purpose in your life nor I will in the future, so it’s better for me to exit.

Don’t worry about me; I will be fine. I have started deleting you from my life already.’

Damn, it feels really good what I did and said.



After I hung up my phone call with Mark, I remained seated for a while with my head resting on the back frame of the sofa. Some tears were still coming down from my eyes.

I knew that Mark, one way or the other, would get me to confront the real issue at play, which was ‘I don’t want to get hurt.’

This was the real deal. It had nothing to do with giving myself a chance, or finding that other person I was back in college, or that I offered my sofa to sleep, and whatever else had me all mixed up.

Yes, this is what it boiled down to and I’m running away from it so doesn’t happen again.

So what’s next? All I thought was to have another serious talk with Jay, expose him to this situation and, depending on his response, make the final decision about his trip.

Since I was still too emotional, I decided to place the call the next day after getting a good night sleep and my thoughts in order. After going through the usual ‘hello’s’ and ‘how are you?,’ we picked up the trip topic.

After reviewing it one more time, and me expressing my anxiety for the millionth time, I finally popped the question to Jay: ‘How do I know that you’re not going to hurt me?’

“Emma, I promise, I promise, I won’t hurt you.”

Jay said other things afterwards, which I don’t recall. I do remember closing my eyes and finally exhaling in relief. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I opened my eyes and felt no more anxiety. Everything now just looked clear to me.

“All right Jay, you can come and visit me.”



et cetera