The New M.E. Generation











All right, I have written more than what I should have, but it just happened that all these thoughts came to mind and I just needed to write them down.

It was a feeling of having a mental clutter that finally got cleaned out. I know it was more of an emotional thing, but truly both went together. It was an organized chaos that has been building up these past few years that had to be released.

It’s almost like those moments when people release those small hot air balloons when they finally let go and set themselves free.

I think he replied to me about 2 days later in the same fashion as he has done for some time: He uses his cell phone, writes late in the evening (probably so not to be seen), with some sentences that have a few typos for being written fast.

“Hey, I didn’t mean that our friendship would be over, just that I would stay for a while so things can level out for me. My intentions are to be your friend and to stay that way. I care about you and am always wishing good things for you,” said he.

“Like I said to you,” replied I, “if I don’t make the effort here, nothing will happen. So after this message is sent and I don’t hear from you, I will consider it as the end of anything and everything. You’re welcome to write to me, but not expecting it. I’m not really into this ‘I want you, but don’t want you’ deal. Either you do or you don’t. I don’t hate you and have no regrets, but this is as far as I will go. Like you’re doing I should do as well, move on.”

As I was writing these last words, I was torn between anger and sadness. Anger because I’ve kept holding on to guys, distancing me from them promising myself not to contact them, let some time pass by, start missing them, then deciding to reach out to them for whatever reason, to finally find myself rejected and disappointed over and over.

Sadness because he becomes another guy in my life whose come and gone, never to be heard for some time, if ever. I feel heartbroken mostly because what I felt for him was unique from all others and you never know if you’ll be able to shake it all off.

Then there’s the part of the “ifs”, especially if we had ended up together. I know the answer to this, but every so often I just have to remind myself, no, it wasn’t meant to happen. Why was that it’s beyond anyone’s control. Still, sometimes I just wished a try were given.

Since my last email I haven’t heard from him. For the first time I haven’t felt guilty of what I’ve said, nor contacted him to give it another try of making things better (for me).

I’m quite at peace at the whole experience and maybe now I can leave it behind me.

What if he reaches out to me? I will hear what he has to say and then I will say what I need to say. Then I will probably keep doing what I’m doing as if nothing has happened.

I will probably get sad, maybe cry, and will want for some feelings to come back, but, no, I have to move ahead.

I will wish him the best now and later, and in the quietness of my life I will secretly thank him for coming back to my life because without him, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

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And the connections kept on coming. But this time I wanted to connect with a guy I had known since my adolescent years which who I had lost touch with all together.

The last time I saw him I was with my ‘x’ back home eating at a deli when I bumped into him. I had not seen him for at least 10 years.

When I saw him again we were quite happy to see each other. I introduced him to ‘that guy’ and he gave me his business card. After I got back to ‘the city’, I misplaced the card or something and didn’t follow-up on contacting him.

Probably more like I putted the card away and forgot about it. My ‘x’ had an issue with me reconnecting with guys from my past, regardless if they had been just that, friends.

It didn’t matter if those former friends were a thousand miles away and I would probably never get to see them again. That guy I was married to with was so insecure, he felt threatened by them, but on what?

I mean, my ‘x’ was unhappy with me for many things, personal and physical. So instead of taking those feelings and figured it out and/or resolved them for the better, he would instead tell me he didn’t like me being friends with any guy.

My ‘x’ was such a jerk that what he was communicating was that he didn’t trust me, and I had to cut ties with others so I would ‘deviate’ from him.

He accomplished that and much more by isolating me and giving up my friendships, and what I represented for myself at that time.

I did not contact this former friend, which I later regretted. After the separation occurred, I confronted my ‘x’.

“You have no idea how much damaging that was to me you saying I had to cut ties with former guy friends,” said I.

He gave me a look of not knowing what I was talking about. Of course, he was never wrong at anything, only me.

“Who the hell you think you were to tell me who I can or can not be friends with?”

His eyes were wide open and a face he was freaking out. He had never seen or hear me this, finally standing up for myself.

“Guess what? I am friends now with all of them.”

“I don’t remember,” said he, “but all I can say is that I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not!” said I, “You’re saying that now because you’ve always been in denial. If you had been sorry or cared about so many other issues, things would have been a lot more different.”

My ‘x’ lowered his face and eyes. I hope he feels guilty for a long time. But, unfortunately, he’s emotionally retarded, meaning he doesn’t get it. But at least I finally told him how I felt.



I really took this profile thing very seriously.

I made a first draft and took a look at it again the next day. I read everything over and over, and made the necessary changes until I felt it was how it should be.

I’m not saying that it was perfect, but mainly a clear exponent of who I was. I think it was straight to the point and written in such a way that readers would get what kind of person I was.

I don’t believe I was trying to come across as anything but someone who is in the same position as many others looking out for the same goal; a person I can spend the rest of my life with.

After I completed my profile content (including pictures), I sent emails to some of the men I had liked their profile. Others received some sort of approach like a wink or a short sentence that conveyed my interest in getting to know more about them.

I don’t know how many times I hit the ‘send’ button, but there they went.

I felt such a relief when I was done. I will try, though, not to get anxious over this. Meaning, I will start checking for any responses tomorrow.

Hope I don’t loose sleep over this.



While the two guys and I talked about the past days of high school, the guy sitting next to Dina is really working her into his conversation. How committed was he? He had his hand on her thigh.

Say what?? When did that happen? Guess remembering the past got me disconnected. When I come to think about it, yes, it did. It actually made me feel young to be remembered for who I was way back then. Back then when I was just myself, Emma.

Even more, who would have thought that this chance re-encounter made me forget my present reality? To top it all of even more, the guy is still sitting, by himself, at the bar, still staring at me.

I shared a drink with my former alumni when we all noticed that the bar was about to close for the night. I turned to Dina and asked her if she was ready to leave (with him or myself was fine by me). The ‘hand in the thigh guy’ was not letting her go, so I asked Dina what she wanted to do. She chose option #2; he was to accompany her home.

I then asked the guys to give me their business card or something with the hope of keeping in touch in the future.

As soon as I said good-bye to the two guys, the ‘guy at the bar’ jumped from his seat and asked me if he could have my phone number.

Aaah…I was so completely caught off guard that the only thing I could respond was, “could I have yours and I’ll call you?”

He wrote it on the back of the business card, quickly introduced ourselves, and off we went (Dina and me, ‘hand in the thigh guy’ included).

We all walked to my car and I noticed that these two were holding hands. ‘Nice,’ I thought. Wonder what will happen to Dina and me. Well, in my case, that all depends if I make the call.



et cetera