The New M.E. Generation

{January 21, 2013}   Looking Back 11 – Crossing over

“So how’s that working for you?” asked he.

“What, damage control?”

“If you want to look at it that way, yes.”

“Well, my ex did a lot of hurting, but I’ve advanced in my recovery. I know that I did everything right in my marriage and that he fell out of love for me. The reasons why will always be a question for me. It’s all a work in progress but I will get to where I should be one day. That I know for sure.”

This guy and I kept exchanging emails until the universe intervened and let me know it was time for us to part ways again.

It was a natural thing. I stopped writing because I had nothing else to say and he had been more than a good doctor, he had been a good friend as well, the one I always wished for.

It was time for me to move on and start practicing the medicine he applied to me.

And just like that, one day while walking to work and about to cross the street, I see a small convertible car being driven by a guy coming my way.

I let it pass and looked at it while crossing. It was beyond a surreal moment. It was living that moment when I was a teenager all over again.

All those memories came back on a flash. At first I felt sad, but later I felt good. I finally came to terms to that time of my life like I have with so many other moments.

What we shared was meant for that time and only then. Now we’re living different lives and he returned to my life to help me give closure.

Like I said before, one day my life will shift gears and find the man I deserve to have. In the meantime, there will be many roads to cross and walk, but, you know what?

I’m going to be just fine.

The next morning Alex woke up and had a face he had not rested that well. He didn’t mention anything from the night before. We just stayed in bed for a while and talked about pretty much anything else.

We had breakfast afterwards, and later went out to enjoy the day. Again, nothing from what happened was discussed.

When it started to get late in the afternoon, I thought it was time for me to go home. I didn’t know if Alex was going to ask me to stay again with him for the night (probably not).

He accompanied me home separately in his vehicle. After I parked, I went over to his and asked him if he wanted to come up home.

I noticed his face was again like that of his pictures I saw on the dating site. He wasn’t that much smiling. It was a combination between sadness, frustration and lost as in that he knew it would never happen (us being together).

He agreed to come up (don’t know why). He sat on my sofa with a very serious face. I started getting very nervous, so I asked him what was wrong. He then dropped the bomb, yet again. But, I think this one was bigger than the first one (“I will only go to the trip as your boyfriend.”).

“Why are you with me?” asked he.

“What??? Why are you asking me this?” (Yeah, why am I with him?)

“Well, we have different feelings towards each other and you don’t want to take this a step further.” (Now I’m the one the problem, right.)

“I told you when we first started communicating that I was not doing this for the fun of it or play games with others. I may don’t feel the same way that you do, but I’m not going to get into a situation that is not what I want. It’s unfair to you and especially myself.”

“I think you are with me because you don’t want to be alone.”

Now I was starting to get upset. “Listen, I’ve been alone for a long time, even before my ‘x’ left me. And, that’s kind of rude of you to say when you have your kids and some family here. I don’t have anybody close except my girlfriends.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

“You know what? I don’t have an answer for you. But I will prove it to you that I’m not with you because I’m alone. How? I will step out of your life.”

I don’t know how long had passed when I remembered about Ivan and his trip. I think I did about a month or so after he told me he intended to travel.

To be honest, I had forgotten about him all together when, one day, he came to mind.

What made me remember him is still a mystery. I had been quite busy with my life, was in the middle of something and (‘ding!’), there he was.

I stopped what I was doing and thought about him. But I wasn’t feeling much other than that I hoped he made the trip and had fun. That’s it.

It hadn’t been that long since I last saw him, but it felt eternal. It was like a blur, like someone who I met a long time ago and had no idea presently of their whereabouts.

The memory of them is sparked by some association or by ‘divine intervention,’ or no explanation of how the recall came to occur. And when you remember them you ask yourself, ‘whatever happened to that person?’

I thought about texting Ivan, but decided not to. He didn’t call me before or after his trip, so I felt there was no worth reason to do so.

After this ‘short-term memory,’ I forgot about Ivan all together until a long weekend came around. I did not have much of a plan and he came again into my mind. (Wonder if he finally got a few days off?)

I texted him. ‘Hey, you’re around this weekend?’

‘Yes, but I have friends visiting,’ answered he, some time later, as usual.

‘Have fun. Take care.’ (Another waste of my time.)

And that was it (one more time). I never contacted him again and, you know what? I’m fine with it. Actually, I feel pretty good.

Come to think about it, he’s probably the first guy that didn’t shake my existence out of whack.

Sad part is that Ivan had someone who was willing to love him endlessly, more than any girl that he contacts online hands down. I bet you anything on that.

But, he chose not to be with me. No, he chose not to give himself that chance to feel loved.

Unfortunately, it’s his loss, not mine.

Logging out.

I couldn’t shake off my frustration so I decided to call Dina and get her advice on what to do. After I briefed her on what had happened, her tone of voice was one of no surprise at all.

“Better get used to it ‘cause that’s how it is,” said she.

“What do you mean?”

“That guys in general are like that. You meet one, you go out with them once, lucky if twice, and then you never hear from them again.

They don’t tell you anything, never bother to call back, or whatever other reason they might have. It all boils down that they are not interested.”

“But how can this person come up with any conclusions about me when we only had one conversation?”

“Maybe you said something that turned him off or, whatever. You know what, it has happened to me quite a few times before that it doesn’t affect me any more.

If I were you, I wouldn’t even bother calling again. I would let it rest.”

“But he was surprised and grateful that I called him and he said to give him a call back. I mean, there’s a possibility that something happened to him or  his mobile.”

“Of course anything’s possible. It’s possible that, yes, he was genuinely happy that you called, as well as that he lost interest in the middle of the conversation.

Even more, he told you to call him back to not hurt your feelings. The list goes on and on.”

“So if that is the case, why are you still seeing that guy?”

“Because I haven’t put my emotions into it yet, so when he decides to leave I won’t get hurt.”

“I don’t get you. If you know that he, like others, will eventually behave the same way, why keep at it?”

“I told you, I’m not getting emotionally involved. I’m just going with the flow. Mark my words, in the end, it will lead to nothing.”

I was even more confused than when Dina and I started talking.

I know she was right about them guys disappearing, which has also happened to me. But Christian sounded sincere when we spoke. I think that if he became uninterested, he would have communicated that to me in some way.

Now my frustration has gotten worse.

Now what?

So how do I give closure to this experience? I’ve been thinking about it for some time and the answer is simple: keep only the good. Or said in better words, take the bad and make it the opposite.

Yes, I may have talked about my divorce seven times in one day. But each of the guys that have been present in my life have been preparing me for ‘the one’ when he comes. And when it happens, I will certainly get it right.

Yes, I may have allowed a man I barely knew enter my life. But now I know that I am ready to open my heart and love to the fullest once again.

And, yes, I had feelings for a man who I knew living apart from him would eventually lead to nothing. But I took a risk and for two weeks out of my life, I lived them to the fullest.

Lived to learn that, yes, love can happen again when you least expect it.

I may at times cry late in the night over Jay, wonder if he misses my text messages or calls, if he ever thinks about me (and if he does, what crosses his mind?), or anything else for that matter.

When I look back at that first week, that moment when Jay arrived and held my face between his hands and kissed me, is what I will always remember. This is the image that I will forever hold.

Even more, I will forget about anything negative that happened.

Do I have any regrets about it? None whatsoever. Nope.

So, universe, what’s next in line for me? Is the new guy going to be the ‘it guy’ or have the planets not aligned for this girl yet?

Still waiting for some manifestation to occur that might give me an answer. All right, I’ll be patient. I have all the time in the world (well, almost). And you know what?

I feel something really good is headed my way…

I finally called Ricky back.

Madelyn was right. What’s all the fuzz I’ve made over a phone call? Plus, I’m also probably right. For sure he’s inquiring on the whereabouts of his artwork. All I need to do is make the call and speak to him in a manner that shows that my life is doing well, which it is.

“Ricky, hi, it’s Emma. I believe you tried to call me?” asked I in a calm tone.

“Emma!! How are you??” (I was correct; he was buzzed.)

“Life’s good. How about you? You sound very cheery.”

“Yeah, I had a couple of glasses of wine.” (Glasses or bottles?)

“And you called because…” I then asked.

“I moved into a new place and my walls are kind of bear, so I was hoping to get back my artwork.”

“Well, I had promised to keep it as ‘a loan’ and be returned whenever you asked to,” said I. “When were you thinking of picking it up?”

“In a couple of days.”

“I’ll tell you this, I’m about to leave town for a week. But I will give you a call once I come back and we’ll schedule a day. You can call me when you get to my building and I’ll bring it down to your car.” (What? You thought that I would actually invite you back to my apartment? Noooo. I know better than that by now.)

I sensed that Ricky’s buzz suddenly fizzled. “Ok, please do. Bye.”

I was now the one with a natural buzz. I don’t know how that comment came about, but it was great! It was like the ‘slap in the face’ that this experience needed to put it to rest.

And you know what, I feel good!

“What’s wrong Dina?”

“That guy’s 30 years old. He’s too young for me.”

“No you’re not. You’re in your early 30’s, so it’s fine.”

“No it’s more like a little bit over the mid number.” (Oops! Has it been that long since we became friends? Oh yes it has!)

“I still think it’s not such a big issue. Had he become interested in me, then that would have been a concerning matter.”

“I was thinking he would be more suited for my sister.”

“Forget your sister! I you keep passing on these opportunities, you know what, one day there will be no more.

You and I have something in common. We want to have a man in our lives, but we are also avoiding getting involved so we don’t get hurt.

What will happen is that the years will come and go, and we’re going to find ourselves sitting right here where we are right now, wondering what the heck happened. And the reality is, it will be all our fault.”

Dina doesn’t say anything, but by the look on her face she knew I was saying the hard truth.

“Do me a favor,” I said to Dina, “if this guy calls, please answer the phone.”

“I’m not sure…”

“I’m not saying to get in his car or meet him somewhere by yourself. I’m saying to maybe you and I meeting up with him and his friends, which is totally a safe scenario.

Even better, I could get a hold of Brian and we could do a double date. How about that?”

Dina continues to be silent and not that all convinced. Aargh! What is it going to take to put some sense in this woman’s head?

“Listen, I think he’s a descent guy and you should give yourself this chance. What have you got to loose?”

Dina’s face remains unchanged.

“OK, I may not be the best person to dispense this advice, especially considering all the guys I met post ‘past life’ are all ‘MIA’s.’ But, hey, I don’t regret it.

In a certain manner it has made my present life interesting. But it was as the result of me giving myself that chance of living those experiences. And I think you should too. You deserve it,” I concluded.

We finally decided to wrap up for the night. Dina may have listened to my words, but I know she didn’t listen to me. The result of this night will be as always. Nothing will happen or change.

Trust me on this one.

I’m waiting outside my building for Brian to pick me up when I start hearing music getting louder and louder by the second. (Hum, I wonder what the tide is bringing in?) Sure enough, it was he.

He drove in exactly like when my car got towed, with all the windows down and the music so loud, you could hear it blocks down. I even think his car was vibrating.

Brian then lowered the music. “Wassup??”
I’m still standing there completely frozen. He’s wearing a t-shirt with a beach related theme, a cap backwards, and sunglasses that surely personify a ‘surfer dude.’ I also noticed a surfboard on the back of his SUV.

Oh, my! If my friends could only see me now, what would they say?
Madelyn: “Move your hiney and get in the car, now!
Dina: “I want full details of everything that happens.”
George: “I’ve already alerted the DC secret service in case their services are needed.”
Mark: “Sounds to me like you will be surfing more than just waves today…”

I’m afraid of getting into the car. I then felt Madelyn’s presence again when something pushed me from my back and made me finally board the ‘surf mobile.’

“Hey, great to see you again,” is all I could say.
“Ready to catch some waves??” he asked sounding still very hyper.
“Guess so…”
“Let’s go for it then, yeah!”

So off we went to the beach. I don’t know why, but I’m feeling uneasy. Something doesn’t feel quite right and I can’t put it into words.

It’s sad to think how wonderful my re-encounter with him was and today’s one is not exactly that.

But, you know what? I promised myself I wouldn’t take it personal, and I’m sticking with that. I’m just going to enjoy this day, and whatever will be, will be.

et cetera