The Ex-Friend 61 – You’re so vague

It has been many years since I have last wrote about Madeline, and that’s because it has been years since her and I have been friends.

If you read my past posts, after that time I spent new year’s with her and her family upstate, her behavior started shifting significantly.

I had noticed with her that she wasn’t quite at ease with her life in general. We would share things, laughs and challenging moments. But she wasn’t somebody to smile frequently or seemed to be content about anything related to her, even achievements. And considering she was always the one who would uplift or encourage me to be better and go after what I wanted.

My recollection is that after less than 2 years of being where she was living and working, she decided to quit her job just because. She didn’t had a new job offer, wasn’t that she was getting hitched and moving out of state, or any family situation that required her immediate attention.

I know that she had been wanting to resolve the issue of becoming baptized and a christian. From what she had told me, she was never inducted into the religion after birth and I saw that this deeply bothered her. It seems it didn’t make her feel complete as a person.

IMO, we should all resolve anything personal that’s impacting us negatively. But my question is, what does quitting your job has to do with it? Again, coming from a person who had worked very hard to get to where she is and being my constant motivator of getting my act together to move ahead, it felt contradictory of throwing away your career because of an unresolved issue.

She had even expressed at one point that she would have liked to be working for a company that had a program where you could take a year sabbatical to do humanitarian work abroad.

I mean, it’s great that you’re empathic to issues happening in the world, which is what religion teaches us, but couldn’t you just join a local church or do community work through it, for example? With her hard-work ethic, she could keep her job while doing volunteering, mentoring, etc., in her free time, even maybe with the support of her employer.

But why did it had to be away from the U.S.? What was “out there” that appealed to her so much? What was really going inside of her that had turned her world upside down? What is she running away from or running away to?

When I became single again, some people had asked me if I would consider relocating or even perhaps moving back home to the Caribbean as a way of having a fresh start in life. It was something I took into consideration, even traveling to different locations to see what they felt like. My reaction was that they didn’t impress me enough to make a change. I enjoyed my time on each place, but at the end of my trips, it was that feeling of “it’s time to go home”.

My thoughts at the time were, what is the point of rooting your entire existence to go somewhere “new” to find yourself living your “old” life all over again?

I mean, if I got offered an amazing job offer I couldn’t refuse, of course I would consider it. But moving away because of thinking this will solve my emotional problems or would give myself a second chance wasn’t doing it for me.

Add to that having no friends or family, even a significant other, to be by your side will not make it easier. If you think this is going to be like a movie or TV show where things will magically happen for the better, you’re dead wrong, and I knew it.

My reasoning was that I would be reacting cowardly and putting myself in a situation that would later regret. That my best decision was to stay put and deal with it. That if I were to leave it all behind it would be for the right reasons, not because of emotional turmoil.

Having said all of these, I do remember questioning Madeline when she told me about her job situation. To be honest, I don’t recall she giving me a valid reason for her decision. It was something vague that made no sense to me or that justified her intentions. There was no intellectual reasoning, no back-up plan, no future forecasting of what the consequences of her actions could be. It was just “I’m doing it and that’s it.”

Looking back I wished I would have been stronger with her. It was as if I had failed her. That when it was my turn to speak up and be her voice of reason, I let her get away without a fight. But her decision had been made. It was then when it dawned on me: this was the start of the end of a beautiful friendship.

The Ex-Friend 31 – The invite

Things were off to a good start with this guy, or so it seemed. He kept quiet to himself after he started working as, ‘I have to make up for the lost money. Trying to work as many hours as I can, even weekends if that happens.’

It also seemed the living arrangements were working out as well. After the ‘people issues’ he had with co-workers in the Pacific, I was wondering if he would achieve of staying at the guy’s residence without incidents until he had enough money to move out to a place of his own.

One thing that didn’t change was his visits to church. Don’t get me wrong, but he was again isolating himself from the rest of the world, only associating himself with people that shared his mentality and way of being.

What also bothered me about his fanaticism was that if we spoke, he would be more interested in knowing that I had gone to church than me telling him about a guy I met. Even if I felt alone going to church by myself, or that perhaps mass wasn’t really working for me, all he cared was that I went, not how practicing my faith was making me feel or having an impact in my life.

Because of this I also started keeping personal matters to myself, so as not to get judged (or preached) by him as to what I had to do. So instead I concentrated on talking about trivial things like, “hey, I got a friend invitation from a guy from your high school class. I think you two were good friends back then? I don’t understand why he, or other guys, that I didn’t have anything with, send me this. I mean, he appears on the photo with a woman and children, so it makes me question what he wants from me,” said I.

“That guy you’re mentioning, yes, we were friends for some time, but I eventually distanced from him because he was doing certain things I wasn’t confortable with. But that doesn’t mean he hasn’t changed. And it seems he’s doing well from the photo you’re describing. Why he wants to ‘friend’ you is confusing to me too, but I would just ignore it.

I get invitations all the time as well. Some of those I delete instantly and others I keep, think it over, and then decide what to do, like with this girl…,” said he.

I don’t recall asking him anything about this particular female, but what I understood from him was that this was someone from way back who ‘he hadn’t heard about in years,’ that ‘he didn’t know how she managed to find him online, but she did,’ and that ‘I don’t know why she has reappeared at this point in my life.’ He spoke the last part with a tone that he was really analyzing if he should speak or not to her, handling the situation like it was a very delicate matter.

From what I remember him for, if it was someone that had hurt him badly in the past, he wasn’t very open in giving people second chances. It was more of, ‘you mess up with me, you mess it up with me for good’. That he would listen to what others had to say, maybe; it all depended on the severity of the incident and how things ended between both parts.

It wasn’t necessarily about forgiveness, even though that’s what Christianity teaches (to which he applied to his convenience), it was more of resolving whatever was left pending and each one going their separate ways again.

The way he expressed himself made it look like that, whatever happened, it was still much alive within him and not at all forgotten; that ‘I’m not allowing it to happen again,’ or perhaps that ‘so now you’re back, after all you did? really? what do you take me for?’

He made it sound that he had received the invite a while back and was letting it ‘marinate’, as in doing it on purpose to make the other person ‘sweat’, or make her feel she was in some sort of limbo for not getting a ‘yes or no’ response. Now looking back it seems more this guy wanted to punish this person from afar.

What’s puzzling is that he has been extremely open about the bitchy ex and relationship, but kept anything related to this mystery woman sealed like it was a ‘top secret’ matter, while I was added to the mixture when he has told me that ‘you and I could make a good team if we were together’. He had even invited me to go visit him in the past. Sounds like a bad case of ‘musical chairs’ where you switch people around for your own benefit, without all participants knowing about it.

Yep, that’s how naive I was for believing him, or other guys, on whatever they said. This guy may not be into second chances, but I did, far too much, which was an invitation over and over to getting burned, lied, used, and unappreciated.

Reality is, sometimes we don’t need to visit the past, especially with us women. I’ve learned that the facts are right there in front of us; it’s just that we don’t want to see them.

If someone comes back, it’s fine to listen to what they have to say. Maybe they have indeed changed for the better. But, please, just do that: listen, you talk, give closure, move on.

You can also change as a person, but you can never change what happened or the hurt that came with it. Do with the guys the same as with the invites: ‘delete’ them. Forgive yourself, give the second chances to you only, and stop playing games with your feelings. That’s it; end of story.

 

Another Cougar Moment 12 – Electronic re-run

Jesse did disappear from the radar. Whatever the reasons he did so were unimportant to me. I was actually relieved that most probably I wouldn’t speak to him again…sort of.

Some months later he sent me a text. It was a long weekend and he was hanging out with some friends, but still wanted to see me.

This sounded like a re-run of the previous incident. Although it was much earlier in the day and seemed like there was no pizza involved, he again mentioned he wanted to come over my place.

And when does he think he will do that, at 3am?

I wasn’t feeling it nor I thought it would be a good idea to give him a second chance, so I replied by telling him to enjoy the day with his friends.

In other words, sorry, I’m not available.

Jesse didn’t reply again or called me. I was glad it happened that way, even more that I did what I did.

After all, what’s your interest of seeing me when you’re having fun with others?

Like the younger crowd says nowadays, ‘whatever.’

You Can Be My Hero 4 – I’ve seen this re-run already!

Once outside, he shared with me that he loves the water, which included doing scuba diving, snorkeling, surfing and spear fishing; how he would like to retire someday and sail around the world.

Now I was getting very anxious. Brian’s personality sounded so much as my ‘x,’ it was like a copycat was standing in front of me. The feeling was way too close to home.

I looked at Brian’s eyes and my mind started wandering back in time. (What’s his name) and I used to share a boat. We sailed to many places I can’t now all recall. I did all that, but now it feels so far away, like it never happened.

Sadness engulfed me and I tilted my head down. When I looked at Brian again, I felt for a moment that I was actually (him) who was standing in front of me.

‘Tell me, what happened to us? Where did all our plans and dreams go? I thought we would always be together,’ I sadly asked myself.

“If you had the chance to marry again, would you?” Brian asked me.
“What??” I fell back to Earth very quickly. I was cut off guard and can’t formulate an answer at that moment. “I don’t know…” is all I could say.
“I would if I founded someone special again to share my life with, because, at the end of the day, I believe that love is what truly matters,” Brian concluded.

‘What is he talking about? Why is he telling me all these things? Why am I even listening to him?’ I rushed to ask myself.

Why am I allowing this night to turn my world upside down?

I felt I was loosing a grip on my emotions and an urge to run away. In other words, I need to make an exit now, ‘pronto’ (soon).

“I think it’s getting late and should go home,” I said very calmly to my own surprise.
“Do you really have to go?” Brian asked.

No, I really didn’t have a reason to go. But, on the other hand, what reason did I have to stay?

Brian asked me for my phone number; he said he would call me in the future to take a ride on his boat and go snorkeling. I don’t ask for his; my emotions just didn’t let me do it. I later regretted it to the max.

Would I like to go snorkeling with him? Absolutely.

I promised myself that, this time, I wouldn’t take it personally if he, like the ‘other guys,’ never resurfaced again after this night.

And, I’ll try not to stare endlessly at my phone waiting for his call.

I’ll try.

The Bostonian 9 – Road trip

I flew to Boston about a month later. Ross never contacted me again.

On the second day of my visit, Annette and I hit the road to Connecticut to visit our school. Dr. S was expecting me.

I have been contacting him on and off throughout the years, and he’s never been short of encouraging words. In other words, he has never stopped believing in me.

About two hours later in our road trip, we finally got to school and parked on the first spot we found.

We’re here! I’m as excited as the day I first stepped foot on campus. I took a good look at the place. I felt 18 again. I wanted to run across campus just like when I was late for class.

“Let’s go, he’s waiting for us,” I told Annette.

We arrived at Dr. S’s office and he’s on a meeting, so we sat in a waiting area for his return.

About 20 minutes later I see Dr. S walking down the hallway. Our eyes make contact and felt for a moment as if time has not gone by.

It’s him!! I got up from my seat and stroke a ‘how do I look?’ pose with a big smile on my face. I then ran up to him.

“Wow! Look at you!” says Dr. S. He has a face he quite can’t believe that I’m here standing in front of him.

We gave each other a warm hug. I closed my eyes and held back my tears. After all these years, my wish finally came true. I don’t remember the last time I felt this happy.

After the formal introductions, etc., we all then went to lunch.

Conversation during this time revolved around many things: Annette and I being roommates, our days as students, life. My divorce.

Dr. S understands what I’ve gone through. He got divorced once, but now is happily remarried. He knows all about it, he’s been there.

I’m looking at Dr. S and wonder what he is thinking or might be remembering about me.

The last day I saw him I was just a student waiting for life to start. Here I was now, all grown-up and divorced, waiting for life to give me a second chance to make it happen again.

It’s now been more than a decade since I left this place. How much of that then 21-year old Emma is still in me?

Costume Change 16 – Last curtain call

I didn’t wake up in such a good mood the next morning. Although I had come to a conclusion about what happened last night, I’m still dwelling on it. I couldn’t get a hold of George or Mark, so I decided to talk it over with Dina over the phone.

“I honestly don’t find anything offensive in what he said. It seems to me that’s how he is and expresses himself,” said Dina. “I also think you’re taking things way too personal.”

“I just didn’t like it, period. I’m having such a hard time dealing with anything related to guys since my break-up,” I told Dina.

“I suggest that, for now, you figure out what you want in regards to him,” concluded Dina.

I ended my conversation with her and just when I’m deciding whether or not to speak to Edward, sure enough he called me.

“Are you still mad at me? I apologize for whatever you’re upset about,” he said.

“My anger has nothing to do with you. This divorce has affected me in such a way, I’ve created a wall in front of me so I don’t get hurt again,” I said.

“Emma, our former spouses left us and we are both carrying a lot of baggage on our shoulders right now,” said he.

“At least you have your kids. What do I have?” I said.

“I love my kids more than anything, but there’s moments when I don’t even have time for myself. What you have is no attachments, a chance to start with a clean slate,” said he.

“I guess…”

“You and I have to give ourselves the chance of being with someone else if that occurs,” said Edward.

“I’m not interested in you right now if that’s what you’re implying,” I answered.

“Are you then asking me to step out of your life?” asked he.

“Just be my friend, if that’s possible,” I concluded.

After this conversation, Edward and I saw each other one more time at another Halloween party at a couple’s house he is friends with. A girl that attended was so all over him, that you could tell, if given the chance, she would have hit the sack with him.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Edward would ask me when the girl detached from him from time to time.

“You tell me. What are you going to do about her?”

“I don’t know. After all this time, it’s flattering to get this much attention,” he concluded. (How about taking her to your place and getting it over with, duh!)

Around midnight I sat by myself on a patio chair that gives a view of the house’s whole backyard. I felt traveling back in time to those years when I held the Halloween parties at my former residence. Too many memories crossed my mind and sadness engulfed me. It had been far too many costume changes for me already.

‘I don’t want to feel these sad emotions any more,’ I told myself.

I then looked at Edward. He’s dancing very close with the chick and really enjoying himself, or so he seemed. Um, I could be in her shoes right now.

I then left the party without saying good-bye to anyone. It’s time for me to exit this show and look forward to a new character in my life.

The Swedish Massage 4 – The apology

A few days later Erik calls me and apologizes for his behavior.

“Sorry, I was drunk.” (You don’t say!)

I accepted his apology and decided to give him a second chance (in what may I ask?). A nearly phone sex conversation? Chances are he’ll probably disappear never to resurface again.

Well, almost.