Looking Back 56 – Farewell note pt. 2

Just when I thought I had it all figured out with the beach guy, even of going as far as accepting his friend request once again on social media, he comes back to prove me wrong.

Case in point: I was checking my feed on a Sunday afternoon, when I come across a notification that such person had changed its profile picture.

It was a selfie he took using one hand while looking at the phone, while the other is placed in a woman’s forehead, specifically the one with the ultra-bleached hair I made a mention before. Their heads are touching together. She’s smiling and her eyes are closed. The caption reads: “Your head hurts?”

I was disappointed, but more calm than normally would, because I finally find out the real reason why he doesn’t want me going there. So him being entirely single is not as true as he said he was.

As I’m seeing it, he was keeping me ‘on the side’ because of the distance. I was a like a second option in case this chick, or anyone else there, didn’t work out. That’s why he kept the conversation and ‘pretty’ comments going so he wouldn’t lose me.

Perhaps he wanted to ‘go bi-coastal’ and be with 2 people at once. Like the saying goes: “The left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing.” Think about it. He could have pulled that off had it played it well. But him posting the photo was his downfall.

Me: “So who’s the blonde in your profile picture?”

Him: “Ah, she’s a girl that I just started hanging out with. Likely will turn into a GF. I’ve known her for a long time. And we hung out before.” (This is how one of those ‘gotcha’ moments look like when the person can’t get their story straight. And don’t try to downgrade the situation. You knew her before; said it yourself. She’s been floating in your gravity for a while.)

“She’s a lot of fun.” (Oouu! Did you notice the detail in this sentence? He said ‘fun’. That’s the exact thing the Cuban lady warned me about men during the cards reading [see ‘The Reading’ chapters under The Ex-Friend story]. She basically said guys don’t want any commitments with you, but for anything else, including going out and have good times, they’re in.

Analyzing this further, if this is the only positive thing he can say about her, “Run, Forrest, Run”.)

Me: “That’s why you don’t want me visiting you.”

Him: “Well that’s not the reason, although if she and I are exclusive, I’m sure she wouldn’t like that.”

Me: “And me saying I wanted to see you.”

Him: “OMG. You and I go back a long time. But you live so far, which makes a relationship hard. And I will never lie to you.”

Me: “Sounds like you did.”

Him: “Seriously?”

Me: “I asked you before if you were seeing anyone. How do you think I felt when I saw your photo? Whatever, I made a fool of myself.”

Him: “I wasn’t. You didn’t make a fool of yourself.”

Yes, I did that because, once again, I put my emotions out in the open, and thought maybe there was a possibility of something happening between us.

Reality is, he was clear in his position and I interpreted it differently. That’s what happens when we allow the past to influence us into thinking one can rewrite history and get the romantic ending you were hoping for.

Me (about 2 days later): “The fact that you reappeared after some years left me restless. From my part I always felt there was something that remained unfinished between us. But now I know it’s not. Regardless the reasons you have for us not seeing each other only shows there’s not enough interest. I’m not upset. I have learned things don’t always result like one wants. We may have a long history, but I’m the one who needs to move on and close chapter with you, which you always did.”

In other words, hadn’t I pursued him again, none of this would have happened.

Incredibly, he didn’t reply back. I also unfriended him. Copy that. Talking about ‘being on delay’ as he once said.

I sent another text sometime later to complete answering his last remarks.

Me: “I made a fool of myself because I thought you had some feelings for me. And forget the distance excuse. If you were interested in me, you would go the extra mile to make it happen. That’s how it goes.”

Still waiting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Ex-Friend 46 – Fly away

After the unfortunate incident that my now ex-friend decided to strike upon me, I realized it was best to detox from him just like any other negative people or situations that have come across my life.

My bestie and I are firm believers in that ‘what goes around, comes around’ and that, either the Lord makes things happen for people to come face to face to finalize pending matters, or we make it happen ourselves, with the one above providing the right place and time for it.

“I have this recurring dream where I am sitting at this garden outside a church, praying,” said she. “And all of a sudden, this guy pulls in in his car in a hurry, gets out of it and comes running towards me shouting, ‘¡Me engañaron! Ayúdame’ (I’ve been betrayed to! Help me).

His demeanor is one that he’s all broken down, defeated, that he was wrong all along and now he’s looking for me to forgive him. I calmy look at him and say something like, ‘I can’t save you; you’re the only one that can save itself.’

It may sound like a scene from a movie, but I know it will happen of him looking for me when the bitch kicks his ass to the curb. I may miss and still think about him, but I will never take him back. God made him go away because it’s the best thing for me,” said she.

“I don’t miss him at all. I sometimes miss that guy that I used to know, but he’s gone in all sense of the word. And going to the past makes you go backwards. As much as the good outweighs the bad, the magnitude of the bad is so big that’s what stays with you, unfortunately. I hope he never looks for me again. I won’t forgive him; he doesn’t deserve it, even less when he’s got this forgiveness thing all twisted up,” said I.

“I can understand why you feel this way. The way he lied to you, used you, and stabbed you, while he was seeing me at the same time, without you knowing it, that’s all wrong. I won’t take away that he equally played with me, but he definitely took more advantage of you. He knows who I am and what to expect from me; that’s why it probably didn’t go farther than it did,” said she.

“What we need to do is what you said before, for you and I to come together somehow and get back at that bitch and him. Having him specifically in the mix, I think that’s something it should happen as in your dream, between the two of you, when the time comes.

Listen, this year I will celebrate a milestone on my birthday. 10 years back, when I was still married, I told my ex I wanted to leave town to do something different. Also around that time, our city had survived a hurricane and the area was really depressing. When I flew there and saw everything green and breezy, I fell in love with the place and made me wish to go back someday. It would be very special to me if I could be there again,” said I.

“That’s a great idea. Would love to have you over and celebrate such an important date,” replied she.

“And, I was thinking, if these two see us together on social media, they’re really going to hit the fan,” continued I.

“That’s right! Because they don’t know that you and I are talking,” said she.

“And friends! I know we’re a little bit ahead, but I would post something closer to my arrival like, ‘a dear friend from the past is coming over to visit’. That way when the bitch reads it, she may think that it has to do with him.”

“Brilliant! It will be something like, ‘last year I went their way, this one they come to me’. When you find out about flights, etc., let me know and will schedule everything,” said she.

“Great; sound like a plan,” concluded I.

 

Looking Back 46 – Taking note

Life can be contradictory. On one hand, you’re told that no matter what, things will always change, because that’s how the universe works.

But on the other hand, certain changes do happen because other people, circumstances or forces make it happen. It may be so this way, but the ultimate person to complete the process is oneself. And if you don’t, it will always linger like a bad cold you’re trying to shake off.

Case in point, the beach guy reappeared again as he always does in the most awkward moment or inconvenient time for me.

It was a Thursday afternoon and I was having lunch downstairs, outside the office which I don’t do often. I was eating a sandwich at a Deli looking at the news on a TV monitor when he text me.

‘What are you doing?’ asked he. Note: no greeting was first mentioned.

It was one of those busy days at work that doesn’t seem to end and was not in the mood at that moment for anything, other than taking my break and eating. ‘Lunch’ is all I replied.

‘I’m here at –‘ said he. He was located at a city at least one county away.

‘Really? What for?’ replied I. Note: he was coming down my way, but didn’t bother to tell me in advanced.

‘Work. How far am I from you?’

‘Don’t know; a little over an hour depending on traffic?’ He asked me for my address to check the distance, to which he replied after researching, ’50 minutes’.

I knew why he was asking me that. He was probably contemplating if there would be an opportunity to meet. But honestly, with the day I was having, at that instant I wasn’t interested in that at all.

‘How long are you here for?’ asked I.

‘Probably tomorrow night.’

I don’t recall what I replied next, but I completely ignored his hints. I just thought that if he had wanted to see me he should make it happen. I definitely wasn’t in the mood for anything, even less the effort of going to him.

Here’s the thing: I had recently text him if he was coming to my area any time soon and he just said, ‘I don’t know.’ Or if I text him asking him what plans he had for the weekend, he always replied that he was busy, or had his kids, or some other excuse that translated to ‘I’m not interested’.

This has been a situation that has repeated many times over, so why should I react to his local area visit? Spoiler alert: I’m treating you the way you treat me, i.e., I’m not interested.

We stopped the text because he was on a meeting and my break was done.

I could have continued, but I still had my second part of the work day and knew it wasn’t going to be smooth.

I sat back at my desk and kept on working. But his presence gave me a bad aftertaste. It took me back to high school when he was always busy studying and barely dedicated any time to me.

I was always the one looking for him and he would have that look that he had more important things to take care of.

I tried really hard not to think much about his behavior, but after a while it felt like huge rejections that became painful.

I didn’t deserve it, but back then I didn’t know when it was time to step back and walk away, to know when to read the signs that this wasn’t healthy for me, that as much effort and chances one gives to people or situations, some of them will just simply never be.

And that is one hard pill to swallow.

Friendship Above All 38 – When life faces you

My high school friend graduated a year before I did. My brother was on the same class and attending the graduation without him being there was a somber night for me.

This period represented a new stage in my life. My friend and brother were going away to college in a few months, which meant I would be alone at home with mom and my Senior year would start.

I was looking forward to this time, but was also lost of what to do with education and myself, especially when he was away.

I felt somewhat lost without my support system. And my insecurities about my intelligence and grades for my college application had me on the edge.

I kept thinking how in spite all he did he managed to get to the school of his choice. He knew exactly what he wanted to do for a career and how he would make it happen. Me, I didn’t have a clue what to expect for dinner that night.

The last memory I have of my friend during this time was of him coming to terms about ending high school, but glad he would go away from all this and start engaging in what he really loved.

He legally completed his studies, but don’t recall that he received the diploma. I believe he mentioned having to get a lawyer so there would be a record filed in school and Education Department that he had completed all the high school requirements.

That made me even more sad and puzzled about life in general and of witnessing this happening to someone I cared about.

That’s probably why I was overwhelmed; my mom had high expectations of me, my brother was the center of attention for always, and my mom was trying to adjust to this major change at home.

The summer went normal. I would see my friend at the pharmacy whenever I could. I don’t recall saying good-bye in person. I probably did over the phone and holding back my tears. After all he went through to finish school, the least I could do was to be supportive towards him and not add any additional pressure.

I do recall that when he and my brother left, I sat at my room looking around and thinking, ‘now what?’ It wouldn’t be the first moment that I felt that I was totally on my own without someone to hold my hand to lead the way.

It was as scary as when my ‘x’ walked out the door for good. Thinking about it now brings back this feeling, but incredibly I managed to overcome it all and stay in one piece.

So why am I still sad? Because I miss my friend and it hurts losing the friendship. This is not what was meant to be, but as he and I have done, I will hold my head up, knowing that no matter what, I will make it through this time and will be just fine.

Looking Back 32 – What time is the charm?

The next day at work on a Friday I started thinking about how the situation had unfolded the day before.

I know I did the right thing by turning him down, but I also realized this was probably the last chance of ever seeing him again face to face.

Reality is, the only way to ever finalize the past and present was to confront him and all my emotions.

So, if getting to where he will be is not an option, how about telling him to make a first stop on my end, and then later he continues to his final destination?

‘Hey, I was thinking, how about if you came over first, maybe have some dinner, and then you go?’ text I.

It didn’t take long for him to reply. ‘I thought I needed to resolve my issues with my girlfriend,’ replied he.

‘I know, but this will probably be the last chance we have of seeing each other,’ said I.

‘Yeah, I could do that,’ said he. ‘What time do you get out of work?’

‘No later than 6:30 p.m. What time would you get here?’

‘Around 8:30-9 p.m. Text me your address so I can set it on my GPS.’

It was only about 12 p.m., so it meant he was to leave around 4 p.m. if he wanted to avoid Friday’s traffic jam, especially coming into my city.

I asked him to text me once he was on the road and subsequent locations as his trip advanced.

I kept on working as usual until around 4 p.m. when the local weather decided to work against me when it delivered massive amounts of rain.

It got so dark it looked like it was late at night. Damn, now this means traffic is really going to get bad for me and (hopefully not) for him.

I hurried to finish my work on time and rushed out the door at my usual leave time. The rain had stopped and everyone driving were doing the ‘are we there yet?’.

My plan was to get home, shower and wear something appropriate for the occasion or, better yet, something that really represented who I was and not what he probably still has stuck on his mind about me.

So, what’s is it going to be? How about high school sweetheart turned prom queen diva? Yeah, it’s personal and I’ve got the clothes and shoes to make it happen.

Looking Back 18 – It’s always the same

A few months went by and the communication continued either by emails or text messages.

A long weekend was coming up about a month and a half away and was planning a road trip with a guy friend of mine from high school to a location not that close to him, but way closer to where I currently live.

So I wrote him an email that read like this: ‘Don’t know what you will be doing for the long weekend, but I’m going to be upstate with a friend. I’m saying this so you don’t complain to me later that you wished I would have told you.’

He replied a few days later that he didn’t know what his plans were since basically they were governed if he had his kids or not for that week. He also mentioned that the distance between his location and mine was about a 2-hour drive, so when and where we could meet were other logistics to define.

Definition: ‘I’m so busy there’s no way I can move things around and make it happen.’ I knew this was the answer he would give me. No surprise here yet again.

He asked me where I would be staying. I said at my friend’s family home. I took the opportunity to even mention that my friend has been that since my early teens and he lived in another state. I said this because I knew he would question my relationship and didn’t want to ruin the only chance of maybe meeting.

Whichever way I explained it, it was going to be an awkward situation. My school friend has known me forever and has been at my side through all my good and bad moments.

After learning of how the ‘beach guy’ has been behaving, he felt I was having hope on something that would never happen. He knew how badly hurt I’ve gotten in the past and didn’t want me to go through that again.

Then there’s the beach guy. As much as I tell him ‘we’re just friends’, I know he won’t believe that. If I was he, I would really thought it over about driving 2 hours and seeing me with another guy.

Also, where would he sleep if he decided to stay for the night, in the couch?

No definite plans have been decided and my anxiety level is already going overboard.

What is it about me that, no matter what I do, I always have some sort of complicated matter with a guy (or guys)?

Comments? Universe? Any one?

Looking Back 14 – The problem of problems

‘As in all relationships, it takes two people to make it happen,’ continued he. ‘In this case, she doesn’t want to stay in it. Plus, she’s behaving in certain ways as if we were still married. People tell me I’m stupid for allowing it. I’ve been nice to her so far, but when I start taking certain measures she’s not going to like it. That’s when things will get ugly.’

Wow, yes, it does sound that this ‘drama’ will get nastier than a nightttime Mexican soap opera.

I couldn’t stop thinking again at my own breakup and how his correlated with mine yet again.

It seems that this guy and I did everything that we could for the sake of our marriage, even when things got difficult.

I personally didn’t want to end mine because I believed in it and was committed to keeping my vows.

Unfortunately, my ‘x’ bailed out and the situations that he could have resolved from his part he let them stand. This caused such a rupture on our relationship there was no way to save it. I became useless for him even though he had ‘no complaints about me as a wife’.

He didn’t want to stay in the relationship any longer because people think that when you walk away from problems they instantly disappear or stop being that, a problem.

Regarding my breakup getting ugly, it sure did. I saw a side of my ‘x’ that sure wasn’t pretty, and all his humiliation and rejection created a creature totally unrecognizable to me.

I questioned myself for some time where did I go wrong. My mistake was that I allowed him to treat me in ways that were totally unacceptable.

It took many years to realize that the breakup was his entire fault and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he blew it.

I have a strong feeling, yet again, that this is the same for this other guy. The difference is I already surfed over the big waves and the bigger ones are starting to hit him.

But knowing how he is, he’ll apply the best ‘medicine’ that he knows and get over it. How much time will he need to heal? Well, that’s no day at the beach.

Friendship Above All 30 – Here it comes

Alex did call back. He offered to meet for dinner the next Friday evening and I accepted the invite.

I dressed nicely that day and some strange feeling hit me when I looked at myself on the mirror.

Isn’t this the dress I wore the night I first met him?

I started to freak out! But, no time to change or I will be late to work.

The day went very slow and, even more, it rained, big time. It was as if nature was trying to not make this happen.

I left work on the dot and headed to the restaurant, which was somewhat far. The rain kept lingering and seemed it was to strike again any minute now. I just didn’t want to get wet walking from the car to the location.

When I finally did, it was somewhere in this big mall. I was totally lost when I parked and had to call him to give me directions.

It took me about 15 minutes to finally reach the restaurant. I was already in a bad mood and the rain seemed that it was going to chase me down.

This is not how I wanted this re-encounter to happen. I’m still talking to him while walking to the restaurant when I finally get there and see him at the distance.

All right, Emma, take a deep breath and make it right. You don’t want it to be your fault if all goes wrong tonight.

Emotions Re-Act 6 – Table with a life view

The next memory of the day was taking a break for lunch.

We all left the bar to another location and I remember that I sat on a table somewhat far from him. I had a direct view of him and I kept staring at him at all times. It was as if I was looking at something larger than life.

I have no recollection if there had been any exchange of words yet. I didn’t even have the courage to approach him either.

There he was in his own world and me on the other side keeping a distance because I probably thought that was the right thing to do. I was not up to his level and that’s how it was to remain.

Besides, what did I have that could have impressed him? From where I was sitting, his life was just perfect. Mine was just a big question mark.

I kept looking wondering why I couldn’t be like him, someone who just knew what he wanted and how it was to be accomplished.

He embodied everything I wasn’t and I had no idea how to turn it around and make it happen for myself.

In other words, how am I making it to the other side if I’m stuck where I am right now?