The Ex-Friend 67 – Words don’t lie

Here’s my analysis of Madeline’s message:

Paragraph 1; she says she’s ‘grateful’ that through the years I have been ‘mindful’ and admires my ‘tenacity’. Translation: ‘gratefulness’ is a religious cliché and you’re using it as facade management.

‘Mindful’ means that you’re ‘conscious or aware of something’. So you were aware I’ve been contacting you, but you chose to ignore me. Translation: ghosting.

‘Tenacity’ has to do with persistence or being very determined. Translation: I (Emma) have been utterly foolish on insisting on reviving our friendship. I should have stopped after the second or third try, max.

Paragraph 2; ‘I’m sorry we haven’t connected in years.’ Well, that’s because you chose that. And add to that not having a phone or replying to people. Translation: I use the friends with benefits card when convenient to me.

‘My walk has been constantly evolving and remarkable.’ Translation: fridge magnet platitudes. This is the stuff you stick to the door to make yourself believe that all’s fine. If it has been, why have you kept it private? Why not share it with those that have had an interest in your well-being?

‘I’m determined to make a life for myself where I am.’ Well, that’s what you were doing before you had your existential crisis and decided to throw it all away. Translation: revision of history.

That she ‘trusts the Lord that she is where He intends her to be.’ Translation: lack of responsibility. Listen, you may have all the faith that you want, but the ultimate decision of leaving and then returning years later was entirely yours.

Let me ask you something, if things don’t work out, what are you going to say then? That this was all a test to measure your faith, thus this wasn’t meant to be? Are you willing to take accountability for your decisions and actions?

Paragraph 3; she ‘remembers our good times fondly.’ Translation: bringing up the past. You want me to feel warm and fuzzy inside? Nope, because it doesn’t serve me in the present.

‘At the right time we will reconnect in person.’ Translation: future faking. If this hasn’t happened already, why should I believe your statement?

The message ends with ‘tell me about you’ and the phone number. What is this, a job interview to becoming your friend again?

In all honesty, this all felt ‘I, I, I’, very empty, that she has no a real interest on any on this.

My position is that if I’ve been the one making the effort to reconnect with you, isn’t it fair to say that it’s your turn to call me? Just because things will evolve at ‘your right time’ doesn’t make it right for me or anyone else.

There is a ‘right time’ and that’s today, now, ahora. Not tomorrow, next week, month, year or millennium. My time is up and so is yours.

The Ex-Friend 66 – It’s all too familiar

Earlier this year I started wondering about Madeline yet again, not sure why. As the years have progressed, including getting older and surviving the pandemic, my outlook towards life and relationships with other people have shifted.

That includes apologizing to others for the bad I did to them, deleting toxic people for good, and, most importantly, finding clarity. This last part means that I had been able to decipher the why about my behavior towards myself and other people, instead of ‘getting over things’ or ‘putting my past behind me.’

Before, I thought I had resolved my issues. I was just dealing with them, but not really resolving them. I realized this educating myself about certain topics that gave me the knowledge to find the answers I so much needed.

What does this has to do with her? That it, as with everything else I have been working with, needed to be given closure as well.

I believe I went the usual route of emailing her and when that didn’t work, I tried ‘the informer,’ i.e., the former work colleague. His response was: “I heard through someone else that she’s been back to [location] for a few months now.” (Doesn’t this ‘I heard it through the grapevine’ pattern sound familiar?)

Oh, so she returned to the place she originally had set roots at? The place that she left ‘just because’ she had an emotional crisis to deal with? What is this, the prodigal child returns?

This feels like one of those moments not of coming full circle, but rather that options have dried up, and you realize maybe you shouldn’t have left all the good you had built upon.

Another thing I’ve learned with people is that if you’re being too nice with them, they don’t appreciate or respond to you. But if you call them out or give them the stink eye, then they react. It’s unfortunately the only way they will acknowledge you.

Case in point, I text Madeline with: “I heard you’re back to [where she used to live]. Good luck with that.” And, of course, she replied like the next day with the following:

“Emma [grinning face emoji]: I’m grateful that, through the years, you have been mindful, and I admire your tenacity.

I am sorry that it’s been years since we’ve connected. My walk has been a constantly evolving one, but quite remarkable. All is well where I am, and I am focused on making a life for myself here and will trust in the Lord that I am where He intends for me to be.

Our good times I remember fondly. At the right time, we can reconnect in person. Tell me about you.”

The message ends with a phone number (which she didn’t specify the platform to connect; remember, she doesn’t have a cellphone, which according to the informer is part of her ‘privacy’) and no closing phrase (really?).

How did I react to this words salad? That’s next for me to explain. Spoiler alert: it didn’t digest well.

The Ex-Friend 65 – The disappearing act

I don’t have clear recollection of how long it was before Madeline found a job (believe as a contracted employee?) upstate in another city that’s about a 5-hour drive from where I am.

I think I found out about it through someone else. The thing was, she was ‘disappearing’ for long periods, meaning, I would try making contact with her and if lucky, she would either maybe reply or not at all.

If she did, she would say the usual that, “I’m fine. Thanks for reaching out. Will try chatting with you soon.”, etc., to eventually evolve to just repeating, “I value our friendship so much. I miss you. Hope we can see each other soon (blah, blah, blah),” without answering my questions.

This was another major shift in her behavior that I couldn’t comprehend where it came from. And I’m talking here about reaching out (to whom I thought was my BFF) with true concern about her well-being, and what I’m getting is no acknowledgement or total ghosting from her? What??

The worst part is that I have kept doing this for the last 10 years or so? Why I have when I know by now what I can expect from her is beyond me.

At one point I was able to get an update through a mutual ex-colleague (I think he’s the one who confirmed her location) that, “She’s very guarded about her privacy. The best way to get a hold of her is emails.”

I felt like telling him, “What do you mean ‘privacy’? She’s upstate really far away from here, she has no mobile phone, she doesn’t reply to people; how much of that does she want??” I just deleted the text and kept on with my day.

Even looking at her professional profile (at a site we are both ‘connected’) you can see the red flags: there’s no profile photo, her job status hasn’t been updated in ages, and whatever information presented is limited in content.

The photo thing was another odd behavior about her: she would allow others to take photos of her (or be included in such) at particular moments. I remember she would get an angry face if she wasn’t up for it. It was almost as if the image surfacing somewhere public would become a threat to her.

IMO, not having a photo of yourself can lead to others looking at your profile with suspicion, like maybe it’s fake. I can understand you might think you’re not the most photogenic person out there. But how about an avatar, using a filter or whatever is available to solve this?

At that time I only had one social profile; she’s never had one. She knew I wasn’t the type to be always posting something and that I was selective of the images I would share out of respect for her.

I don’t know about you, but if you’re supposedly someone who wants ‘privacy’, that to me is someone hiding very deeply so they can’t be found. It’s like you wanting to disappear from the face of the earth.

Even more, this is someone who is not being aggressive about finding work. This goes back to her stand of ‘it happens fine, if it doesn’t, fine as well.’

So no professional photo, no social media, no mobile phone, no clear information of where she is or doing. She supposedly wants privacy, but seems to pull-off a groundhog day moment whenever she feels like it.

Do you see what I see? Something’s wrong with this picture and it doesn’t look good at all.

The Ex-Friend 64 – The old ways

After Madeline left to Arkansas, our communication became on-and-off. We both were busy with our jobs and tried to message each other whenever possible. I would try calling her during the weekends, usually on Sundays, but that was the day she would go to church. So texting was usually the way to keep in touch.

This went on for about a year or maybe a little longer (like a year and a half?), when on a Friday shortly before ending my work day, I get a text message from her that she was in town and wondering if we could meet.

I was surprised, and not surprised, that she didn’t mention she would be around, proving that she was still stuck on her old ways.

I met with her at a restaurant and while having a drink (she only had water), she handed down the “quita nota” (or something that takes your buzz away) of the evening: the ad agency she was working for informed her that the in-house job in Arkansas was to be no more; she had the choice of going to Texas and work on-site with the agency or take a compensation package. She chose the latter.

Me: “But why quit your job? What’s wrong about going to Texas? If you want another opportunity, isn’t it be better to find a job while having a job?”

She: “I’m not going to Texas! I don’t like it over there!” Her tone of voice and face were one of displease that I wasn’t supporting her on her decision. One of ‘there’s no way on earth I’m doing that’ or ‘over my dead body!’

IMO, for someone who struggled to resolve her faith journey, did you put your prayers together before deciding? Did you seek advice from the one above? Obviously not.

I saw again the ‘previous’ Madeline who made decisions without regard for the consequences in the future. And again, she was without a home or plan as to what to do next.

Whatever happened after that night regarding if she crashed at my place for the night or was looking again for work here is beyond me. My mind is completely blank.

Thinking back, my feelings were that this was a really bad move from her part. I thought she was starting to get her career back on track and now it was back to square one. Hopscotch anyone?

The Ex-Friend 63 – Back on track?

A few months after Madeline’s religious awakening, she flew back to my state. She decided to start looking for work and wanted to give her previous living city a try again.

In one of her visits to my apartment, she mentioned she had kept her car in the care of a couple about an hour away from where I was. But since she didn’t have a place of her own, what she would do is contact me, for example, ask if she would mind for her to stay over like 2 days, and then move on to the next person on her list living in the area to repeat the same feat.

She arrived with a small suitcase and I allowed her to crash on my sofa. I also noticed that among her personal items she now had a bible. She read it while I finished something in my computer. Then dinner was prepared and when we sat down at the table, she asked to hold my hands. She bowed her head and did a prayer, something she didn’t used to do before.

I think I was drinking wine and I offered some to her, but she let me know that she was no longer consuming alcohol. That was another shocker to me. She wasn’t much of a drinker from what I saw, just someone who socially enjoyed coolers or similar drinks.

At that time I was trying to go church every week as part of my healing process post divorce. I don’t consider myself much of a drinker either. So her behavior felt extreme to me. I felt confusion and fear when looking at her. There’s something about people getting too involved in their faith that I can’t trust. Still, I tried to support her as much as I could.

My next recollection of events was that she got to interview at the company I was working at (because a guy there had been our colleague at the ad agency we met). Madeline said she liked the business model and all seem fine, but nothing panned out.

She eventually landed a job with another ad agency based on Texas (through another former colleague), but working at the client’s in-house agency in Arkansas. And off she went… I think she drove her car or made the arrangements to have it transported over there? And that she went to her storage to retrieve certain items, placed them on a rented truck and drove it to her new location? My memory is sketchy, but do remember that she was traveling lightly.

I’ll give it to her: she moved to a state she hadn’t been before or knew anyone, something I’m not quite sure I would have the guts to do.

I felt I was seeing some of the old Madeline again getting back on track, or was she?

The Ex-Friend 62 – Blank page

It wasn’t that long after Madeline had announced that she would quit her job before she started putting her decision in motion.

Her mother flew from the Caribbean to help her move out of the apartment and putting all her belongings in a storage unit. I even think Madeline had told me she still had some months to go before her lease expired for that year, but she wasn’t going to wait for that to happen. This was another detail that puzzled me about her; IMO her issues were not that complicated to not wait a bit longer to leave her job/apartment at an appropriate time.

After all was said and done, she embarked on a month-long trip to Europe by herself. Originally she was planning to take vacation from work (like 2 weeks?) and fly with her mother for this trip. Again, the change of plans perplexed me, considering how close she was with her mother and that she had been looking forward to spending time with her.

So off she went… I would know about her whereabouts because she shared photos of her being in Spain, Greece. How she managed to pay for all that, and having nothing to fall on upon her return, was another mystery to me.

Upon her return, she landed back at the state she had been living at. But now considering that all her things were stored away, she was basically homeless and living out of her suitcase, literally.

Her next ‘trip’ was staying at her mom’s home in the Caribbean for an undetermined time. I later learned through a video she sent me that she went somewhere in the island and got baptized in a river by some Christian church. She even wore white-toned clothes (not a robe) for the occasion.

The images showed her inside the river (believe knee-length) while someone else helped her lean back to get completely wet. Madeline covered her nose with her fingers. Once it was all done, she quickly exited the water, while others applauded and congratulated her (“you did it!”).

She looked moved by the experience, but seemed more a face of relief than anything else. I mean, I was happy for her. But again, why did she had to go back home (nothing wrong with that) and join the religion through a ‘church’ in some small town you may not know much about?

For someone that I had the impression of ‘do things the right way or don’t do it at all’, this felt not quite there about her. I can’t even recall what I replied to her, if that, since I was so speechless about it.

From my recollection, she stayed on the island just for a few months. We would video chat once in a while. What I noticed then was that she wasn’t stressing over life at all. Before she had this facade of being totally in control, of having a no-nonsense attitude, that nobody or anything could make her crumble.

Now it was a demeanor or thought process based on her ‘newfound faith’ that of whatever life threw at her she would be fine. There was no urgency of what she would do next; she was leaving that in ‘someone else’s hands’. Talking about staring at a blank page waiting for inspiration to hit you was basically it.

As much as she presented herself that ‘all is good’, I still wasn’t convinced. We’re talking here about a person that had undergone a radical change. There was something in her eyes while chatting with her that was unconvincing. It felt like one of those cases of someone having such a major meltdown that their mind never worked the same way again, of that person that you thought you knew of no longer existing.

But then again, when have I really known here? Had we really been friends? Who is the real person that I’ve been involved with? As much as I tried to read between the lines to find the answers I needed, there were no footnotes, references or comments on the page to look for. The story unfolding was just it.

The Ex-Friend 61 – You’re so vague

It has been many years since I have last wrote about Madeline, and that’s because it has been years since her and I have been friends.

If you read my past posts, after that time I spent new year’s with her and her family upstate, her behavior started shifting significantly.

I had noticed with her that she wasn’t quite at ease with her life in general. We would share things, laughs and challenging moments. But she wasn’t somebody to smile frequently or seemed to be content about anything related to her, even achievements. And considering she was always the one who would uplift or encourage me to be better and go after what I wanted.

My recollection is that after less than 2 years of being where she was living and working, she decided to quit her job just because. She didn’t had a new job offer, wasn’t that she was getting hitched and moving out of state, or any family situation that required her immediate attention.

I know that she had been wanting to resolve the issue of becoming baptized and a christian. From what she had told me, she was never inducted into the religion after birth and I saw that this deeply bothered her. It seems it didn’t make her feel complete as a person.

IMO, we should all resolve anything personal that’s impacting us negatively. But my question is, what does quitting your job has to do with it? Again, coming from a person who had worked very hard to get to where she is and being my constant motivator of getting my act together to move ahead, it felt contradictory of throwing away your career because of an unresolved issue.

She had even expressed at one point that she would have liked to be working for a company that had a program where you could take a year sabbatical to do humanitarian work abroad.

I mean, it’s great that you’re empathic to issues happening in the world, which is what religion teaches us, but couldn’t you just join a local church or do community work through it, for example? With her hard-work ethic, she could keep her job while doing volunteering, mentoring, etc., in her free time, even maybe with the support of her employer.

But why did it had to be away from the U.S.? What was “out there” that appealed to her so much? What was really going inside of her that had turned her world upside down? What is she running away from or running away to?

When I became single again, some people had asked me if I would consider relocating or even perhaps moving back home to the Caribbean as a way of having a fresh start in life. It was something I took into consideration, even traveling to different locations to see what they felt like. My reaction was that they didn’t impress me enough to make a change. I enjoyed my time on each place, but at the end of my trips, it was that feeling of “it’s time to go home”.

My thoughts at the time were, what is the point of rooting your entire existence to go somewhere “new” to find yourself living your “old” life all over again?

I mean, if I got offered an amazing job offer I couldn’t refuse, of course I would consider it. But moving away because of thinking this will solve my emotional problems or would give myself a second chance wasn’t doing it for me.

Add to that having no friends or family, even a significant other, to be by your side will not make it easier. If you think this is going to be like a movie or TV show where things will magically happen for the better, you’re dead wrong, and I knew it.

My reasoning was that I would be reacting cowardly and putting myself in a situation that would later regret. That my best decision was to stay put and deal with it. That if I were to leave it all behind it would be for the right reasons, not because of emotional turmoil.

Having said all of these, I do remember questioning Madeline when she told me about her job situation. To be honest, I don’t recall she giving me a valid reason for her decision. It was something vague that made no sense to me or that justified her intentions. There was no intellectual reasoning, no back-up plan, no future forecasting of what the consequences of her actions could be. It was just “I’m doing it and that’s it.”

Looking back I wished I would have been stronger with her. It was as if I had failed her. That when it was my turn to speak up and be her voice of reason, I let her get away without a fight. But her decision had been made. It was then when it dawned on me: this was the start of the end of a beautiful friendship.

Looking Back 79 – And he’s a doctor…

After my last conversation with the beach guy, some months went by before I heard from him again. Incredibly, he finally called me back, like around 10pm at night. On top of that, he wanted to Facetime.

When I looked at him, he was sporting some sort of white beard that made him look much older than he is. His signature tan was in an all-time high for working non-stop at the marina. And as always, his talking was a no-filter one, but this time it was different from others.

He started with his usual “are you seeing anyone” question, to which I replied as always: ‘I’m working long hours (still remote), every other day I try go exercise, so not much time for that. And some people are polarized with the pandemic. I personally don’t want to be around others who are not vaccinated.’

He then screamed angrily, “I’m tired of talking about the pandemic!!!” What the hell, dude? He sounded like, wired.

He then proceeded to ask (using not exactly politically-correct words) something in the line of “don’t you feel ‘hot’ sometimes for not being with a guy?” I couldn’t believe how vulgar he was talking to me. I was looking at him through the phone and then looked away.

To be honest, that particular day had been hectic at work and I was going through a personal issue that was bringing me down. And then to top it off, having a conversation with someone who was much more interested in having a booty call than showing care about my overall health, made matters worse for me. And he’s a doctor…

He then continued to insist for me to take a medication that would ‘help’ my menopausal condition. I questioned him why take something if I’m not involved with anyone, plus dealing with the negative side effects that might affect my wellbeing (like uterine cancer).

And in his rambling to justify his insistence, I realized that it all had to do with him. If we ever get to see each other again, of course he wants me to ‘perform’ to his standards. He doesn’t care about me. It’s all about friends with benefits. And he’s a doctor…

When I tried to again explain my position, he replied with an upsetting tone, “that I always talked about the same thing of me not being able to meet people, how some attempts have failed miserably, or how at times I felt very alone.” That I needed to go places where I could meet people. And he’s a doctor….

He then gave me an example. That night before he called me, he went to have dinner after work. He sat at a bar and stroke a conversation with a woman. (He had a couple of drinks, which justified his tone of voice.)

When he was done, he thanked her, but didn’t ask for her phone number. He said that had he been “his old self”, he probably would have it taken it further than that. The woman was in shock, but didn’t say anything else.

I made very clear to him that I was in no position of going to no bar to “meet” unknown random guys (Did I told you this guy refuses to get vaccinated? And he’s a doctor…), and put myself in a position I’m not at all interested in pursuing.

He didn’t like my response. He kept pushing for the medication and me ‘going out into the world and do something more with my life.’ At no time did he ask me how I was really feeling. Was I sad? Was I lonely? Was I in need of any emotional support? No, no and no. And he’s a doctor…

Now I was really down (and kept looking down), to which he didn’t notice as he was paying attention to his home computer. I felt I was in the (virtual) presence of someone I didn’t recognize. Or do I?

I’ve always known about his ‘not so gentle at times’ personality. But today it rubbed me off so very badly. Maybe I always knew, maybe it was always there. Maybe I hoped too long for time to make some sort of miracle.

If anything good is to come out of this conversation, is that this was my last indicator for me to accept that this person is not serving any positive purpose in my existence in the present or future. Not a friendship, no shoulder to cry on, no nothing.

He showed no compassion, no warmth, no empathy, no support, no healing, nothing that could uplift my spirit. And he’s a doctor…

Looking Back 78 – The best for last?

Had forgotten I had this conversation saved on my phone.

Him: “Goodnight sweet Emma. What’s your address? I’m updating my address book. And a sexy photo would be good for my phone… Just joking…” (No you’re not. Has it ever occurred to you that I know better than that about you already?)

Me: “I would rather have a picture taken together in person” (which I know won’t happen, so I’m making it difficult for you to get what you want. You feel me?).

Him: “Hmm…”

Me: (Since I will take that as a ‘no,’ let me put this situation in another context.) “Maybe I’ll appear in your dreams and make your wish come true.” (I should have added an emoji for added value.)

I mean, how much does it take to ask for my photo, to the point of having to use the address excuse to get it? Like you’re getting my contact information to finally make a real-time appearance…not.

I gave it to him, although it felt like a waste of time. How many times have I said that I want to see him and willing to drive all the way to make it happen? And you’re asking me for my address? For what? To give me false hope?

There wasn’t a response from him after my ‘dream’ comment, as usual. At a later time he said he was out of state with his parents, to which I said to him “call me”; I haven’t heard from him again.

So what am I doing about it? Nothing. If after the last few years, the sabbatical, plus a pandemic, he hasn’t made the effort to contact me in a continuous manner, the future as is bleak as the present.

If this situation of him approaching me changes in any way, I won’t close the door on him. But I won’t make it easy either. I won’t react as if nothing has happened or take into consideration the way he has been. I would be very careful of what his intentions are.

I wouldn’t be the one making the trip to him; he would have to take action and really prove himself.

I know it sounds like wishful thinking, but if the sabbatical has changed him, so have I with my life expectations.

It would have to be a sort of starting in a real way, since I have always felt we really didn’t have anything together other than a friendship. It would be putting the memories behind and start from scratch.

Honestly, there has been so many moments that I’ve told myself this is the ‘last’ time with him, that it would be ‘best’ if I finally do it.

If that’s what I should go for, then let it be that I gave it my all and find those ‘lasting’ lessons that I will carry with me as they have for so long.

It’s what’s best for me, best for life, best for everything.