Emotions Re-Act 31 – That uneasy feeling

After his visit early December, we continued communication through texts. I guess we talked so much on two days that phone calls became out of the question. Also, it was the holiday season and I just wanted to enjoy this time.

As the new year started, the texting continued. I knew he was busy with the upcoming musical and other personal matters, so I limited my messages.

However, when opening night came up, I had to contact him with a “good luck; wish I could be there. will be cheering for you from afar.” I’ve never seen him on stage, so I meant what I said. The first weekend resulted successful, evidenced on the photos and comments he posted on his social.

The following week started as usual, but early on I started having this feeling that something wasn’t quite right. I quickly dismissed it as a ‘paranoid woman’ thing, but as the days went by, I couldn’t shake it off. I decided to text him that Thursday and get over myself for this most probable faux pas.

“Hello, all good?” asked I.

“Hello! Weeell, more or less fine. My mom had a fall again and she’s getting surgery tomorrow. Multiple fractures! At the hospital now!” He went as far as sharing a photo of him and his mom, which was totally unexpected of him. His face showed a deep concern and she was all smiles.

“I imagined that ‘something’ had happened. But she seems to be in good spirits. Patience and faith, there’s no other way,” replied I.

To be honest, his action was more of a shock, as I felt that he was sharing a private moment with me, considering I have never met his mother and she was resting in bed. I mean, it’s great that he has that much confidence with me, but from where I’m standing, he didn’t need to.

The next day, I messaged him around 9am with a “hope the surgery goes well today” to which he replied, “thanks! it started at 8am and it’s still ongoing.” I went about my day as usual until nighttime when I see his post of “prayers needed!” I was confused as to what was happening, but didn’t reach out to him, as he is a deeply religious person and I thought he was probably just asking others for spiritual support.

On Saturday, I went out to take care of errands. At night, I decided to watch a movie. After it was over around 9pm, it was as if someone whispered in my ear, “check your IG.” His post came up on my feed which read, “10 years ago when my father passed, I had to go on stage. Today, I’m doing the same. This is for you, mom. The show must go on.”

Needless to say, I got really triggered, as I was wondering if that uneasy feeling that I had was because I felt something bad would occur? I started thinking about his mom and the photo; is it maybe the last one he has of her before all went south? I was so upset about her departure that I cried non-stop for about a half-hour. I tried to make sense of everything, but couldn’t. I wanted so much to speak to him, but in the emotional state that I was, it was the worst thing to do, so I decided to calm down, collect my thoughts, and reach out to him the next day.

“Hi, late last night I found out what happened. I know there’s no words other that I’m truly sorry. Thanks for sharing that photo of her. Hugs to you.” He acknowledged the message with a heart emoji.

Then on Monday, I woke up concerned that this incident could affect his sobriety, so decided to text him. “I know that you’re going through a lot and need to process it, but I know you might get negatively affected. In other words, don’t do anything I would do.”

Some hours later, he replied with a voice message of, “my mom had a cardiac arrest during surgery, which is were all the problems started. She had to be revived. But me and family are at peace. Thank you for your kind words and being attentive. Of course, I questioned myself and my life, and a thought crossed my mind of having a drink, but thanks to all the work I had done with my sobriety, I was able to throw that away. I’m now replying to those who have reached out. Thank you for all your love, so much affection and support. You mean the world to me. You know that you’re very special to me.”

I was so moved by the last part of his message that I listen to it every time I’m having a bad day. It’s conforting and nice to have someone in your life who thinks highly of you. But the feeling is short-lived, as I get reminded that I’m still single and there are no prospects around.

It’s great to have him as a friend, but we don’t live on the same place, so that doesn’t help my situation. This relationship is limited and is bound to what it is, a series of phone calls and messages that fulfill me at the moment, but won’t evolve into anything more.

So what happens next? Pretty much, nothing. He said on the podcast interview that he was open to a relationship in the future. And seeing how his life has evolved, I wouldn’t be surprised that it indeed happens, and I, once again, will only look at it unfold from afar, just as it has always been for me and him.

Emotions Re-Act 30 – The reunion, part 2

The next day, Sunday, we kept in touch via chat. He had previously mentioned that he was having breakfast with someone, but we would meet later in the day at 4pm at his hotel room.

When I got there, he was taking care of some business through his mobile. He was sitting on a sofa and I chose to sit on a chair on the opposite side of him, as I wanted to allow him his space.

He was also playing music through a portable speaker. He let me know he carries that with him wherever he travels or uses it at home at all times. It gave the place a nice environment, but you know what they say about that? Meaning, many people need to listen to music constantly in order to keep their mind “busy” instead of processing those intrusive thoughts that won’t go away.

When he finished what he needed to do, he explained that in the morning he met up for breakfast with someone from his sober group. Later, our conversation dwell more upon how he got to the drinking, his relationship with his former spouse when married (something like they lived ‘la vida loca’ or something, which I need to ask him to expand on a future conversation), or how overwhelmed he became when his first child was born.

At times he got emotional. When talking about something painful, he would look away teary-eyed and his tone of voice changed to reflect how broken he still was. I wanted to hold his hand, perhaps hug him, but I didn’t get the vibe that he needed my comfort either physically or verbally, so I remained seated just listening to him.

About an hour or so later he said to go have dinner. He asked me for a recommendation so I remembered a famous Hispanic restaurant not far from the hotel, which he hadn’t eaten at in years. Off we went in my car.

The restaurant always has people waiting (including tourists from the airport who are in layover flights), to which the location set up covered tables and chairs, plus a mini bar so you can drink something while you get seated.

We put our name down with the hostess and they told us the wait would be 30 minutes tops, and decided to get a drink. He opted for a non-alcoholic Mojito and I chose a beer. Out of nowhere, I made a joke about the product’s label and the unofficial slogan used way back when it was first introduced on the market.

Without me realizing it at the moment, I had gone back in time when we used to go out together. I was laughing, happy, making jokes. It was as if that 20-year-old had resurfaced again, as I forgot all that was happening in my life and I was with that version of him that I used to love. I even forgot where I was. I was just there, taking it all in.

We eventually got seated and he asked me for recommendations as to what to order, which I did, and he greatly enjoyed it. The meal went on as usual, with random conversations that I don’t need to address here. I had a good time just like before.

Then, it was time to head out. That’s when reality hit me. Once I dropped him off at the hotel, the reunion would be over and everything would go back for me as always. I knew he didn’t want me to stay over for a while longer as he said, “man, I’m hitting that bed hard; I’m exhausted!”

I kept myself together when we reached the hotel. As we said our goodbyes (“I wish you all the best in the world,” said he) and kissed the Hispanic way, we almost, almost, touched each other’s lips. He stepped out of the vehicle, went into the lobby, and saw him the last time as he walked towards the elevators. He didn’t look back at me.

In other words, I saw him walking in to the restaurant the day before and today I saw him walk away at the hotel. And it happened just that fast.

Needless to say, I was really sad on my drive back home. I got into my room and sat on my bed looking into nowhere. I could see the images of the past slowing down and disappearing. My mind finally updated all the memories by filing them away.

Even worse, I felt like that time during my college Christmas break where the goodbye wasn’t anything memorable and I was left with having to put my feelings on check and forget him. But, I’m not 20 years old any more. I have learned to detach from many people throught the years. Difference is, whatever relationship there might be didn’t end that day. It will just continue as it has been before his visit, or will it? Only time will tell quickly… hopefully I won’t need another 40 years to figure that out.

Emotions Re-Act 29 – The reunion, part 1

The much anticipated day finally arrived. In preparation for the brunch, I had chosen beforehand what I would wear, had checked the drive time to the restaurant, even prepared myself mentally and emotionally.

That Saturday morning, I woke up somewhat early to have some breakfast, shower, dress up, and go to the location calmly, as I didn’t want to arrive late because of some unforseen reason that could make me look as I had some cheap excuse for not arriving on time.

I got to the restaurant somewhat early; it gave me time to go to the ladies room and check my hair and makeup, as well as ease my nervousness. He gave me a call a few minutes later saying he was slightly delayed because of traffic, but wasn’t far.

I was seated in the reception area and to conceal my emotional state from the hostess, I kept my sunglasses on. I even declined having a drink while I waited, first, out of respect for his sobriety, two, I didn’t want to repeat a similar situation as that infamous occasion many years ago.

I kept looking back through the windows to see him arrive, until he quickly appeared. His walk was as I’ve seen him during the cooking competition show, slow but steady. When he walked through the door we immediately embraced, which made me remember the height difference, even with me wearing heels, as I was trying to give him a well-deserved hug.

“What’s happening with you?” asked he. “Nothing, I’m just really happy to see you,” said I between some trembling and holding back tears.

We decided to sit next to a window and the day was perfect for a Saturday December afternoon: sunny, cool and pleasant.

During the time there, we talked an endless amount of topics, including his experiences during the Mexico trip. I was trying to let him do most of the talking, and while at that, I just looked at him as a whole. Before he glowed all around, but now his eyes would sometines turn sad and his demeanor changed as if another person was surfacing.

At one point when I was leading the conversation, I touched again upon the time I decided to disengage from him. I said in a very subtle way that “I had feelings for you back then,” but explained it as, “what can you expect from a 20-year-old?” to minimize its importance.

He asked me to expand on that, to which I replied, “I used my emotions instead of logic to handle this the right way. It’s my fault allowing this situation to escalate when the reality was right in front of me.” What I meant is that, as I told him in a previous conversation, me being barely 20 and him 27 was, in this age range, a huge disadvantage for me.

The reality meant that I was immature, obviously, had not graduated from college nor knew what I was going to do afterwards, and being away doesn’t allow you to establish and sustain any relationship. In essence, I allowed myself to fall for him when I had nothing to offer him as a person even if this ever evolved into something else, which was evident it wasn’t going to happen.

As the brunch concluded, he said to take a walk around the area, as it had been many years since he last visited it. We did some window shopping, talked some more, and even took a selfie in front of a Christmas tree. Believe it or not, this is our first and only picture together.

Another detail to mention was that whenever we were walking on the sidewalk, he would make sure I was on the side away from the street. On the days when chivalry still existed, this meant that if anything were to happen, the man would protect the woman from harm at all costs. I’m glad to see that he hasn’t lost his way with other people.

As the afternoon was coming to an end, he decided to go back to his hotel to take a break before his high school reunion party that evening. He also mentioned that around March of the following year he would be appearing on a musical, then a play, plus had been casted for a locally-produced film. He had the script with him and wanted to take a look at it.

“The director contacted me and said he had a role that he wanted me to play,” said he somewhat surprised. In other words, he has such a talent for acting that he didn’t even had to audition. The director had his mind set on him from the start.

After I returned home and got comfortable, I felt a physically exhausted like one of those times after an intense workout. I remember being around 8pm and was falling asleep watching TV. I think it was no longer than an hour later when I went to bed. We still had tomorrow to meet again.

As I lay in bed thinking about the day, my main thought was ‘why did I had to talk about the issue of my feelings for him?’ Why am I bringing back from the dead something that has no relevance at this point, or does it? That’s because those feelings are alive and kicking once again, all thanks to me. Yay (not)!

Emotions Re-Act 28 – Arrival day movie night

As my workday concluded, I decided to watch an American movie I knew he had appeared. I’m not sure if he had been in others, but I certainly was curious to see him “on the big screen,” even though it was at home.

Lucky me, it was available on streaming, plus at no cost. When I was starting to watch it, this guy called. He was on his way to the happy hour and wanted to touch base with me regarding our scheduled lunch tomorrow afternoon.

“You wouldn’t believe what I’m watching,” said I while naming the movie. “Oh, that one,” said he. “I’m not going to tell what happens to my character, but most of my screen time is doing one particular thing, which is not really ‘acting.'” He didn’t sound that enthusiastic about the film, probably because it didn’t do much for his career.

The thing is, during the podcast interview, he said that after he finished college, he had the choice of trying to make it in Hollywood, meaning, competing against thousands of people for one role, or going home and work there surrounded by the people that love and support you.

And he did have success in his career: he did soaps at home and in Latin America, movies, commercials (including that infamous particular one), theater, was the spokesperson for causes, worked on radio, even as a TV show host. There was a time when he was always working and mentioned on media. In other words, you couldn’t avoid seeing or knowing something about him.

Unfortunately, his career and that of others took a dive when they stopped producing local soaps (and I guess abroad). Yes, he does voiceovers, still works on theater, but not to the level he once did. Instead of being a working actor, he’s now more of a public figure, which is how he identifies himself on his IG.

How he got the role in the movie is unknown to me or if he have attempted to make himself known in Tinseltown in the past. He didn’t make mention of that on the podcast.

Going back to the movie, I’m not going to mention the name of it, but can tell you that it wasn’t a hit. Even though the lead male character has been established in the industry for decades, he’s one of those actors who have lost their star power maybe because the roles he’s been offered lately aren’t that good, his failed marriages (about 4 of them) may have affected his professional image, maybe he’s become difficult to work with, who knows. It’s one of those unfortunate situations that you can only feel sorry for because when you’re in the entertainment industry, you have to go for whatever role is offered to you because you need to pay your bills.

The premise of the movie is the lead plays an exotic animal hunter who has an assorted of species to transport on a cargo ship and deliver to very wealthy clients. The conflict of the story is that a man who was in the military, and now has become quite the psycho, is also being transported in the ship by the feds for crimes committed, and is placed in another cage for the safety of the whole crew.

As anyone could have predicted, the criminal manages to escape the cage, lets the dangerous animals loose, and is going around the ship trying to kill everyone, all the while managing the controls of the ship to get to another destination where he will flee for good.

My friend’s role was one of the crew members who, as the movie continues, gets bit by a venenous snake and is placed on top of a counter with an IV to try to keep him alive. As the movie continues, his health continues to deteriorate as his skin color gets paler and paler, would be in and out of consciousness, coughing badly, making you wonder if he was going to make it or not. This is what he meant about his acting, the majority of it was literally him laying down on his death bed.

And as expected, the male lead manages to take the criminal out, rounds up his exotic animals, take control of the ship, and saves the day. What happens to my friend? In the last scene you see him being carried out of the ship, now on a stretcher, and into an air ambulance.

“Oh, he survived,” I thought to myself while laughing. What’s next, one of the animals jumps in the air and knocks down the helicopter? Now that’s a movie ending worth watching!

Then the movie credits started rolling and there was his name. I was ecstatic of seeing it, but it included “Jr.,” which he hasn’t used in over a decade ever since his father (also an actor) passed away. Who didn’t do their respective checks? This is how bad this whole production was.

As the evening came to an end, I decided to go to bed and get a good night’s sleep, as tomorrow was the much anticipated reunion of him and me. And just like before, we were meeting for brunch, except that this time we would get to the location on separate vehicles. Yay, finally! Stay tuned.

Emotions Re-Act 27 – An “intimate” revelation

Continuing on the subject of his biography, I was delighted to see in his profile when he presented it at a bookstore back home. He was standing on a small podium and microphone, giving a speech, signing copies, etc. He gifted the first one to his mother, to which he posted “to the one who gave me life.” That’s so him of always speaking highly of his mother, he’s always had.

The posts after this event changed to those when he was finally flying to Mexico. He didn’t go alone, there was about five more people also presenting their books, and all were really excited that the day finally arrived.

As the days progressed in the event, I saw images of the group in the space where the books were available, holding a copy in their hands, getting photos with people who acquired a copy, and so forth. I was happy for everyone there, as it must be great to finally see your hard work come to life.

After the event was over, this guy took advantage of going to museums, restaurants, bars, even doing morning exercise, at whatever was worth visiting in the city. The location was totally beautiful and the days picture-perfect, so much so that I envied him.

And then, just like that, he finally arrived to my city. It was on a Friday afternoon around 12:30 pm. I wish I could have picked him up, but I had to work, plus he rented a car and his hotel was not far from the airport. As much as I wanted to see him already, I also wanted to respect his space of getting to his room and settling down.

We were chatting as early as his arrival at the airport and, out of nowhere, he says to me, “I need to find a laundromat, I’m low on underwear!”

Aah, what? How low do you mean, like re-wearing some of it or perhaps going commando? It was one of those moments that felt so “personal” that I didn’t know how to respond. Not even an emoji could save me.

All I could say was, “you weren’t able to do that in Mexico? I would imagine hotels have facilities, but, yeah, a local laundromat would be your best option. I can search some locations for you, if you like.”

“I couldn’t find a place in the city where I was. Don’t worry, I’ll search on my phone, but thanks. I have to get this done before my class happy hour tonight,” said he. After this we basically stopped texting, as we both had things to do.

A few seconds later, I started laughing uncontrollably. I mean, it’s been four decades since we last saw each other, have been waiting for at least 3 months for this day to arrive, and the first thing you text is you’re low on underwear?

Considering all the deep conversations we’ve previously had, why does this feel somewhat uncomfortable? Is it because I’m wishing there will be some sort of physical closeness, like hugging or kissing, but I’m not really ready for that if it were to happen? Most probably.

My mental hard drive is still stuck to back when I was 20, but reality is as, regardless of how old I am and what I’ve gone through, being single for so long makes you socially awkward, even with people you already know.

It’s that feeling of being in your younger years when you had no people skills, and it’s scary as hell. Why? Because as they say, “if you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’re bound to repeat them.”

And what exactly is that mistake I’m referring to? Falling for someone that you well know it will never end in your favor.

Emotions Re-Act 26 – He’s an open book

Before his arrival to my city for his high school class reunion, he had mentioned that he had a first stop at a literary fair in Mexico for a book presentation. I never gave it much thought other than he had been invited to an event. But, as the date soon approached, I found out through his social posts that he was presenting none other than his own biography.

I was not surprised that he kept it quiet; he’s the type of person that reveals any news when the moment is right and never brags about it, which is a trait I respect about him. I also thought it was interesting that he reached that point in his life where he felt the need to lay it all out there.

There’s nothing wrong in doing that, but, he’s been in the public eye for decades and now with social platforms, there’s always some post of him by mainstream media or himself. In other words, what have you got to say now that people don’t know about you already?

Well, to my surprise, plenty. When I came across the preview headline of a 2-hour podcast interview regarding his book, I saw the words “sobriety” and “nervous breakdown.”

Whoa! This was another example of how distanced I became of him; not only did he survive a deadly disease, but he also had a drinking problem, plus was admitted to the psych ward of a hospital because his life spiraled out of control?

The interview, centered around his bio, started with the usual of where you were born, your family upbringing, what made you decide to become an actor, where he went to college, etc.

When things started going south (if I recall correctly) was after his divorce, and later during the pandemic when he was still living with his then girlfriend at her home.

As you may remember, the entertainment industry got hit really bad during this period, and him not being able to do any work caused a financial stress and divide in the relationship. She now had to assume all expenses and, even worse, he was still paying child support for his three children up until age 25, which meant his money decreased considerably.

The relationship ended on a bad note and he moved with his sister and husband. The drinking started harmlessly as a way to cope with things until it wasn’t, and the major meltdown came as a result of everything coming together and exploding.

It got so bad (blackouts, driving intoxicated, waking up not knowing where you were), an intervention was organized between his ex-wife, a best female friend, and I believe his ex-girlfriend. They arranged everything and he voluntarily checked himself into the hospital. He was basically at the lowest point of his existence.

During the interview he gave details of those incidents, and all I could do was look at him and just ask myself how was this possible. How did this person that I admired and looked up to, and wanted to emulate in my adult years, ended up this way?

He was born in a loving home with both parents being supportive of his decisions and leading him the right path. Me, my parents had trouble in the marriage as early as I remember and divorced when I was 13. My upbringing was difficult and mostly sad for me, as I didn’t always have that love and support that everyone needs in their growing years.

And considering what I went through in my divorce, I was the perfect candidate to adopt a self-destructive behavior, or getting affected to the point of being so emotionally and mentally damaged that I would have become uncapable of living a normal, productive life. And it almost did. It was that close.

Just thinking of him being in that hospital bed, alone, wondering how it all came to this, hit me to my core because I’ve been there, I’ve lived it, I know how it feels. And believe me when I tell you, you don’t want to go there.

As the interview continued, he explained how he was able to overcome it all, how the experiences changed him as a person and his outlook towards life. He’s now in charge of a sobriety group and, in a twist of events, he has found his purpose in life, which is helping others like him reclaim their lives.

So in the end, does this story have a happy ending? For him, yes. He’s still hopeful, thankful, grateful, and is looking forward to the next chapter of his life.

After the interview was over, I didn’t know what to make of it. My mind was still stuck 40 years ago when I thought he was destined for greatness, and nothing or nobody would stop him from achieving that.

If you consider it, the memories of that time are the biography of me with him. It may be a brief story, but there’s so much to look back and revisit. Question is, am I willing to add chapters to it or just keep as it is? Well, we’ll soon find out.

Emotions Re-Act 25 – The confirmation

Just when I thought I had put the December break incident behind me, one day I remembered I had saved in a box the last academic calendar agenda from college. And I thought to myself that there might be something in it that could shed some light on this.

So I went to my storage and was able to find it. The first search I did was to see if I had any entries for August 30, or this guy’s birthday, which was around the time of the first week of the new school year. There it was, his initials and “birthday” were written down as a reminder. Question is, did I contact him on his special day? I must have, either by phone or mail.

I then went to the back of the agenda to look into the contacts section. I recognized the address of the studio apartment, but his name was not visible because it was covered with a blue ink marker.

I then had a slight recollection of sitting at my desk looking at his name for a while, feeling very sad, and then deciding to cover it. I would guess that instead of “erasing” it, I tried “burying” him. Which to me it means that something did “happen” during my visit at his house to have made me do this.

I also noticed my then style of handwriting. It had a small font size and looked circular. Everything written was placed exactly where it was intended to be on the page. All letters connected to one another in perfect unison. It’s as if there was a beginning and end to all that I did, including my connection to him.

I kept looking at the other names in the directory, thinking how some of the people I have no idea where they are today, some I do, and others unfortunately have passed away.

You may ask, what did I conclude from this research? Well, that I had made of this incident a lot more than I should have. There was no need for me to cover his name, just closing the book (literally) was enough.

It’s no surprise here for a then 20-21 year old to react in such a dramatic way. It was a summer thing that couldn’t be expected to remain the same after the season was over. It was inmature to allow myself to feel things that wouldn’t have resulted in anything.

I mean, he had many qualities as a man that I totally liked, which didn’t make it hard to develop feelings for him. But to allow it to get so out of hand shows that I still had a long way before reaching a level of emotional maturity.

I can say that this is not my proudest moment, as I repeated this behavior on other occasions throughout my life. If there’s anything good about getting old has been able to recognize my behavior and take responsibility for all of it. Most importantly, to never repeat again.

I have learned that relationships don’t solely apply to those that have to do with couples. We have with everyone – family, friends, coworkers – and it takes as much effort to develop and maintain them, as to knowing when we need to distance ourselves for good.

In other words, what it relates to this guy, I should have focused on the reality of the situation and not let myself be controlled by my emotions. Like I said before, this whole time with him was destined to be over at some point, but it did in part because I decided it that way.

Of course, I have feelings again for him, but now they’re more of respect, admiration, appreciation. It’s not that I didn’t felt that before, but now I won’t allow myself to let it spiral out of control.

I have no expectations, other than hoping that we may continue being together in whatever capacity that may be, even in the distance, in a way that allows me to bring out the best of the past, while embracing who I am in the present. That in my world, is being a grown-up.

Emotions Re-Act 24 – The missing pieces

Although my previous chapter was intended to be the last one for this story for now, I have come to recognize that there is an unresolved issue that I need to address, specifically, what happened when I went back home from college for the holidays. The thing is, I have a recollection of the many things that happened during the summer, but not much of this time.

As a starting point, I need to ask myself, what exactly were this guy and I? I could say there was a friendship between us, but it wasn’t solid yet. It was on track to becoming one, but because I left to go back to college, whatever was there became halted.

Even more, he and I had nothing in common that would have helped accelerate the process. Yes, we may have experienced many memorable moments together, but we never reached that point of really getting into knowing what made us tick, our ups and downs, our fears or goals, or anything else personal.

Then, when I came back in December, I have no recollection of how I learned he had moved to a house, his new phone number, or how I managed to get myself to his place. And the feelings associated with this visit are not good.

I think what happened was that I was expecting a very warm “welcome back” from him or I hoped to rekindle the emotions of the summer, but I didn’t get that. Thus, I interpreted it as a rejection from him and thought to myself “there’s nothing in here any more,” and figured out that the best thing to do was to bow out. So much so, that I think this was the last time I saw or spoke to him.

Fast-forward to around 2012 when, in the middle of a busy work day, he suddenly came to mind. And believe me when I tell you there wasn’t any trigger that made me remember him. It simply occurred out of thin air.

Like I explained before, I searched him online, learned he had gotten divorced, and that he was on social media. I then waited to get home that evening to try to make contact with him.

After checking out his profile, I became unsure about sending him a message, first, because he was with his then girlfriend. Second, I became overwhelmed by this guilty feeling that the rejection incident happened because of something I had said or done. Thus, I thought this guy might not have an interest in speaking with me.

I remember drafting the DM as simple as possible with a “I don’t know if you remember me” angle, thinking my message would probably end up in his spam folder, he would not respond to me or if he did, it would be in a polite manner with something like, “Yes, I do. Thanks for reaching out. Hope you’re well.” And that would be the end of it.

Instead, he replied on the same night and very enthusiastically, with many exclamation marks letting me know that he indeed remembered me and was happy to hear from me. I thought to myself, “You do? Really?”

Also, how ironic was it that I thought about him at a time when he was working in my city and that we got to talk again? I don’t think that would have happened (the phone calls) had he been back home.

What’s even more ironic is that nearly four decades later is when I think we have finally come together and that a friendship is getting built again. We now share some similar life experiences and have allowed each other to connect on a more personal level.

Going back to the supposed incident during my December break, all I can say is that on some weird kind of way, life itself took care of separating us. What I mean is that he told me that on January of the following year, or when I left to college again, he met his ex-spouse. Which means in the long run he would have distanced himself for the sake of his relationship and that coming from him would have hurt me really bad. The way things evolved avoided further damage to anything that we had.

Again, his relationship started after I had gone. It was after I graduated five months later and had returned home that I learned about this through print media. By that time, my priorities were those normal of a college graduate (like finding a job), and my reaction to the news was of surprise, but not anything that shook me to my core. Looking at him on whatever medium (especially TV) felt just like a year earlier when I was waiting for a response regarding the casting. It was as if he was on another world that I would never be a part of again.

I may be right or I may be wrong of how it all went down. Regardless of this, unfortunately, like any good thing in life, they all come to an end. That’s how things rolled back in the day. Like I said before, had it been a different decade, maybe, just maybe, the connection would have remained.

Do I feel nostalgic? Very much indeed. I miss the joy I felt, the simplicity of the time, having people that make a positive impact in your life, and that dreams (sometimes) do come true.

I also feel sad because it probably won’t repeat again, just like when I was in high school or college. Once they’re done, they’re done. And living in two separate countries doesn’t help either. What happens next is anyone’s guess.

“Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? / I’m getting old and I need something to rely on. / So tell me when you’re gonna let me in. / I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

And if you have a minute, why don’t we go. / Talk about it somewhere only we know? / This could be the end of everything. / So why don’t we go / Somewhere only we know? / Somewhere only we know?” -Keane (Only Somewhere We Know)

Emotions Re-Act 23 – Lightning does strike twice

As I was saying, imagine how my experience would have been if it had happened in modern times.

For starters, with the TV commercial, since I knew beforehand it would be made with him, I would have done some research to make sure he was indeed the type of person I thought he was.

I also think that the script would have been different of that of picking up a guy at a bar, probably more like hanging out and having fun, and certainly the production company would have checked me being at least 21 years of age.

As of giving this guy my phone number, he would have accepted it, but before asking me out for brunch, he would have done his own research on social media, like everyone else does, to see if I was worth taking a risk with and avoid this becoming a “cautionary tale.”

Regarding the location, I think he would have chosen an off-the-beaten path eatery that was small and quiet away from a big crowd. This would have allowed for both of us to be ourselves, instead of having to behave in a particular way knowing people could be filming you and posting online.

As a then 20-year-old, I’m not sure if I would have been able to navigate being scrutinized or questioned about me being with him. Knowing the way he was back then, I think he would have opted for this to protect both of us.

As for the detour, if the brunch would have been held on the aforementioned location, definitely no mimosas or waste-bin hugging incidents. The later part, yeah, probably would have happened equally. In other words, his white pants would have lived to see another day.

Regarding my unannounced visits, all I would have needed to do was text him beforehand. That way I would have saved myself the embarrassment of being called out by neighbors or having my image taken by security cameras.

As for the communication aspect, I think after I stopped talking to him in the earlier days we would have kept a connection through social media, but respecting each other’s boundaries, just like when I did in the later years before the disengagement. The situation of eventually approaching him again and having the current conversations would have happened the same.

So now that all have been said and done, are there any takeaways? For myself, I can say I am glad I overcame my fear of approaching him, giving him my phone number, and having the guts to show up at his place, while respecting his space and privacy. Going back to the past has reminded me that at times I underestimate myself and that there’s a lot more to me than just a pretty face.

What respects to him, I am fortunate to have been casted in the TV commercial, of meeting him, but most importantly, that he turned out to be what I hoped for and more. Like I told him in one of our conversations, “I have no complaints about you.”

Are there any regrets? Perhaps. If I could go back in time I would have thanked him and given him a proper good-bye (like a big hug), which I don’t think I did. He probably would have said something like, “thank me for what? We’re good. We will see each other again, right?” To which I would have replied, “one day you will remember this moment and understand why.”

Best part is, he recently said he would be in town during December and wants to see me.

“I’m sure your agenda will be full, so I hope so,” said I.

“Not that full to put some time aside to meet up. It’s been too many years without seeing each other. It will be great to see you!! Looking forward!!”

I got emotional reading this text and all I could do was jokingly reply with “Brunch?”

If such is the case, bring out the OJ (maybe just a single glass of mimosa) and let’s cheer to memories, good times, health, and whatever else we should toast to. I’ll drink to that any time!

“Son los momentos de cada día, cada minuto que se va. Esos momentos de nuestra vida que nunca se olvidarán. No los dejes pasar.” -Reik (Momentos)