The New M.E. Generation











{February 23, 2015}   Looking Back 41 – Emotional trip

The long Valentine’s weekend came and I had no romantic plans for it. I know the whole thing is a cliché when you’re supposed to show your love and appreciation to your loved ones at all times.

Still, there were some instances where I had the thoughts that I’ve been single for quite a while, and only a few guys from past and present are worth rekindling on.

The weather had also turned quite cold, which felt like a correlation of how I saw my love life to be. But as in everything, it changes and one must adapt to it or succumb.

What I decided to do was to dedicate the weekend to myself, even if it meant doing totally unrelated ‘me time’ things like laundry. I wanted to rest as well, and even take advantage of store sales. The goal was doing things that made me feel good.

So I planned out my weekend: Saturday was for laundry and ironing; Sunday, supermarket, church, taking care of anything else; Monday, relax and hairdresser.

Saturday evolved as planned. Didn’t left my apartment the whole day, so I tried my best to enjoy it as best as I could in spite of not having an invite. I didn’t even mind the ironing when a good movie was on TV.

I made myself some dinner, showered and watched more TV in bed. My clean sheets felt great and nothing else mattered to me.

I was falling asleep closed to midnight when… I get a text from the beach guy.

‘Hey, happy valentine’s day. Hope you had a good day,’ wrote he.

‘Same to you. Stayed home doing laundry and I’m having a date with my bed.’

‘I was home all day as well. Spent the evening with my daughter who’s BF is out of town.’

‘At least you have company.’

‘You want me to visit you?’

‘That would be nice, but the distance is brutal.’

‘It is; what’s your address?’

‘What? You should have it stored in your GPS.’

‘Just trying to figure out the drive time silly. I have a new phone, new car, even new underwear.’

Whoa, whoa; hold your horses! This is just too much and I’m not talking about him trying to drive over here, and arriving at what time exactly?

And what about the new car and underwear? A new toy on top of all those you already have? Why? This sounds to me like you have a huge emotional void that just doesn’t get resolved.

If such is the case, then I should feel happy for myself. I think I have the material possessions that I need at the moment, and take care a lot of them until it’s time to part from them.

Honestly, I’m not liking the comment the more I think about it. The word ‘arrogance’ keeps circling my mind and it’s gaining momentum.

Then there’s the thing with the underwear. If we were back in high school, for sure I would be interested in looking at them with that great body you used to sport.

But now, no thank you. I think I can find more interesting ones to look at on the Internet, for free!

This all translates that if he comes here, I know I will get upset when I see the car. Fine, I know my insecurities will surface, so might as well put a stop to this ego trip before I get really upset.

What will I do about it? Nothing; I’ll just sleep over it.



‘Hey, doing anything for Valentine’s since you’re so good at all you do? texted I to the beach guy.

‘Nothing romantic,’ answered he. ‘Have my kids that weekend. You?’

‘No plans; no one to spend it with. At least I have Monday off.’

‘That’s good; I have to work.’

‘You should do something special for your mom and daughters. After all, they’re the real women in you life.’

‘True, but I show my love for them all the time.’

‘I know you do. Guess I was curious to see what you would do. On another note, expect to hear weird medical stories with the 50 thing going on.’

‘Like STD’s?’

‘More like people attempting kinky things and getting hurt. The news were reporting that hardware stores are expecting unusual sales on tape, chains, rope, etc.’

‘Ha! I avoid the news; they’re depressing.’

‘I don’t like reading them either, but this story made me laugh. Why should some people attempt weird things you’ve never done before?’

‘What? You’ve never done anything really outside the box?’

‘Hmm, I guess, yes, but I think I don’t think I need to go too far to feel something I’ve never felt before.’

‘Not interested in hearing some of my experiences?’

‘Nooo! I’m sure they’re plenty and amusing. Maybe you can share another time on the phone or if we see each other again. Now I have to get back to work.’

That conversation happened on a Friday. The next morning, very early, like at almost 3 a.m., I was awakened when my phone vibrated after receiving a text message.

In my half awake, half asleep mode, I thought to myself that either something bad happened or this guy had really taken it seriously about sharing his ‘close encounters of another kind’.

‘So, it’s late. I’ve been thinking about you,’ read the text.

I felt delighted by his comment, but then got nervous. What if he was to unearth a story that had to do with something I didn’t remember? Since it was so early for me (dude, don’t you sleep? Guess not.), I knew it was best to wait until waking up and reply with a clear head. So I did.

‘What about?’ asked I.

‘Just about how nice you are.’

Well, that was nice from him, again. And what a relief that it had to do with me, but in a good way. He didn’t write anything else, so I left it as was.

Throughout the day I kept wondering what if he had mentioned a story related to us that showcased a different shade of me? Would have I liked to hear it? After all, part of my process of getting back to the ‘now’ was putting the pieces together from the ‘then’. Why am I so worried about it? Besides, it’s in the past.

Maybe because all I needed to hear, or perhaps wanted to hear, from him has already been said. Maybe there’s a story about me that’s still bouncing around the outer limits of my mind, waiting to manifest itself again.

Now what, another dream?



{February 9, 2015}   Looking Back 39 – What the…

Don’t know what’s happening lately. But it’s been more than 5 years since I became single again, which means I’ve worked very hard to get over my ‘past life’ and ‘X’, and bring the new me into the world.

Those people close to me have told me how much I have evolved for the better, that I look good, and present myself as being at peace with myself, and managing well my current work and personal situations.

Given all that, why am I now having dreams with people I know will never, ever, become anything else than what they are now, like ‘the beach guy’?

One night I had this dream where he and I were together out on the town somewhere. I have these quick images of standing in front of a tree he had decorated with these pretty lights for me.

I did comment how pretyy his action had been and I was happy. There was other surprises he pulled off which made me feel very flattered and special.

Then we were inside a nice car (probably his) and then, he proposed!

But, no ring! I was even happier and probably said ‘yes’ because we both kissed. But it was a simple one like in the movies, nothing that would be too overdone.

When I woke up in the morning, it was a heavy mix of emotions. Don’t get me wrong; I do want to get married again, but with him??

And as romantic as any woman can be, of course I would like the proposal to be as beautiful as can be, even more so than the first time.

I started overanalyzing the dream and realized I should be laughing about it, even feeling good about it.

I’m over this guy and shouldn’t give up my real dream of finding true love. Got to think in the positive, always.

Hmm, wonder what he has to say about it.

‘OMG had a dream last night with you that we got engaged. I woke up with a feeling of WTF. My hormones are probably out of whack,’ text I.

‘LOL,’ replied he. ‘Sorry, I don’t think I’ll ever marry again.’

‘I’m not interested in marrying you to start with. But it was interesting the way you did the whole thing.’

‘Ahh. When I do something I usually do it right, whether it be a good or bad thing.’

‘I do want to get married again someday. So I guess I was just visualizing how it would happen. Why your face was in my dream is a mystery. Probably it was as you’re saying; you’re the only guy I know who would do it in a way that would be memorable. But, no ring!’

‘No ring? That’s strange.’

‘Yes, but overall was a colorful dream and there was even a kiss.’

‘That’s good. You really are a good person and attractive.’

‘So humbling of you to think that way of me after all these years considering I can be complicated at times.’

‘You’re not complicated, just looking for love and companionship. That’s what everyone wants.’

‘I guess, although some people don’t want to have a commitment, just party and have fun.’

‘Correct.’

Well, how about that? I wasn’t expecting him to say that about me. It actually made me feel very good.

I will say it was sort of a dream of mine to clear out all that happened between us to get some peace of mind, and I think that has been manifested in a nice subconscious way.

But the proposal part? Spare me! I propose to leave the situation as it is, give it a kiss of approval and keep dreaming on.



The new year’s came and went. I made the best of what was left of my vacation days and returned to work with a new attitude. But, not sign of Ivan.

I think I was halfway through my workweek when I felt ‘teasing’ Ivan with a text to see if there was ever any reaction from him.

‘I didn’t hear from you at all again. So disappointing’, text I.

He surely reacted, about 5 minutes later. That was fast! And, no, it wasn’t with a text; he actually called.

“Why are you disappointed??!!,” asked he.

“Well, because…I answered your text and you never text again.”

“I had family visiting and it got complicated. You know how that goes.”

“I know that. And I replied to you that I would have loved to meet with both of you.”

“Listen, I can’t talk now. Will call you back,” said he while finishing the call in record time of about 2 minutes.

Really? How many times haven’t I heard this before or barely having an exchange of words?

About 3 minutes later he sent me a text: ‘Sorry, my employer was close when I was talking to you.’

And in true Ivan fashion, he hasn’t followed up on what he said he would do. But instead of getting upset as I used to do, I started laughing about what just happened. It made me remind that feeling when you were a child and decide to do something that you hope results that way you hoped for.

It was just the best one in the world. The fact that I was to tell no one made it even more enjoyable. It’s like having full control of what you do in your own little world.

I kept working with a nice smile on my face and feeling so happy with myself. Heck, I haven’t felt like this for a long time.

I let another week or so to go by as I and did what I’ve done before many times, send a new text: ‘Hey, you never called me back.’

Did he reply? Of course not! So I laughed again and forgot about it.

A new chance to text him happened when a girlfriend of mine was celebrating her birthday around where Ivan lives.

I thought about texting him, ‘I will be in your area tonight’, but decided not because I knew he would be another ‘no show’.

I went to the party, had fun, came back home and put myself to sleep, just like this situation has been.



I left to my New Year’s party invitation and completely forgot about Ivan on my way to it.

The place I’ve spent this night has been pretty much the same these past few years. Even better, the usual people go there, so we all know each other and I don’t feel out of place in spite of going alone.

It was a great night. I danced, partied plenty, ate great food and even enjoyed being around other people’s kids.

I also made sure and got something to wear just for the night. I went to a secret location that I know and scored a dress from an Asian designer with a quirky pattern that had golden accents on it.

I was glad that I found what I had envisioned on my mind: different, with a metallic color and even more, at a great price.

Yep, metallics are very popular during the holidays, but for me it represented trying to end the year and start the next one with a new glow.

Some of the people complemented my dress and I was glad they did. Thinking back at my other ensembles, I realized how they have evolved as a reflection of my times and emotions.

I will say that this year’s dress is the most fashionable so far. I’ve even changed my hairstyle which I got even more complements for.

If you looked at it you will see that the shape is simple, but the colors are bright (purple, red, blue) in structured lines all over the fabric.

It correlates with my current state of mind that I like things bright as they relate to light or positive things. Metallics reflect sunshine and capture the glow of stars. It all goes back to light, enlightenment, opening your space within yourself to let it shine in new things.

Although the background of the fabrics is black, the intensity of the color was perfect to make the others stand out. So in a way it means that my darker times are moving back and new shades are stepping in.

When midnight arrived I cried as I always do, but less intense as other years. People hugged me and I thanked everyone, including the house dog, for this night which they made it special.

The family even lighted some lanterns, which flew away in the sky. It gave me a feeling that I finally let go of the negative and that the light was showing the universe that, ‘I’m still here, watch me soar’.

I left the party when everyone started leaving and still no sign of Ivan, so I went home and relaxed before going to bed.

It was still dark, but the night had been perfect. I looked at the stars from my window and instead of making a wish I closed my eyes and said to myself, ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you’, and thought nothing else.

I opened my eyes. It’s a new year of new beginnings.



The days went by and no sign of Ivan. To be honest, I was caught up with finishing the work year and looking forward to the vacation days that I forgot about him. It had been hectic at work and really needed some ‘me’ time. I just wanted to enjoy the holidays and end the year in a good note.

It wasn’t until New Year’s Eve that he resurfaced just as he said he would.

“Hey, I’m back in town and my sibling is visiting. What are you doing tonight?” text he.

I was surprised he actually contacted me, but even more that he invited me to celebrate this day with a family member.

“I actually have plans for tonight. But would love to meet up with you and your sibling some other time, perhaps tomorrow?” answered I.

He didn’t reply to my text. I was getting ready for the night, but also nervous that perhaps I was missing on an opportunity to see him, so I text him again.

“Maybe we could meet later after midnight?” text I.

Why not? I am the one complaining that nothing happens with guys and that my social life needs to improve. So then let’s do something really out of the norm for me. These moments happen rarely and this day only once a year.

No reply. Guess he was expecting another answer? Now what? Switch to ‘desperate mode’ and call him.

But, he went back to his old self: no answer. I left a voice message summarizing what I wrote, that would love to get together with him and other person, either tonight, tomorrow or whenever convenient for him, and to please call me back.

Of course, that didn’t happen. I got somewhat upset, but quickly put it aside. This end of the year, I wasn’t allowing any guy to make me feel guilty about anything.

It has really been many difficult years, but slowly and surely, I’ve grown personally and spiritually to levels it has taken me plenty of effort to achieve. And I just wanted the next year to be better than before.

That I’ve hadn’t had a guy next to me at midnight ever since being single? True, but I know it won’t be forever.

Some people have come and gone and I have lived through the best and worst. May still not have a clue about the future and how I will get there.

But I am here still and at peace with myself, and tonight this is all that matters to me.



I have been pretty good in keeping my own promise of not contacting other guys.

Some have sent me messages once in a while just to inquiry about me.

I would read the message, analyze the content, as well as time and date received, and then reply, but not right away.

I know I don’t have to reply, but good manners never go out of style, and they reflect who I am as a person, so will keep it up.

One thing I’ve done different is that I don’t ask them ‘when are we seeing each other?’. If they were the ones to ask, then I would reply as brief as possible: ‘Don’t know. You tell me.’

Of course they would never follow-up, so at least I would ‘feel’ good that they remember me for whatever reason that may have been.

The year came and went, and when the holidays were approaching, I thought about just wishing then good things as you’re supposed to. Besides, I had no regrets or hard feelings, so, why not?

The thought circled my mind for days, but with work and projects pending before vacation started, I kept telling myself to do it for days, but wouldn’t get around to do it.

When I finally made the time to do so, I get a text no other than from Ivan. It was like my thoughts had text him instead.

He was one of those that were on my mental list to contact.
In spite of his many failed relationships and tons of dispensed advice to him, plus all those times he said ‘we will definitely meet’, which he never got to, there has always been something about this guy that brings me back to him. Trying to decipher what that is as complex for me as trying to understand what really happened that we’re not together.

“Happy holidays”, text he.

“Thanks! Likewise. How’s life treating you?” (meaning as if you’re involved with someone). Last time I spoke with him he had recently ended the relationship ‘for good’ after endless attempts.

The breakup and comebacks were so bad, I told him at one point that I didn’t know what was worse, his tumultuous relationships or me not having found a boyfriend since becoming single.

“What are your plans?” asked he then.

“Staying around. Got some invitations. You?”

“Leaving town, but will be back before the new year. We definitely need to do something when I return.”

“Sounds good. Call me. Have fun.”

I know he won’t call, not even if Santa appeared to him. It’s one of those things you stopped believing in when you learn the truth about it, but just don’t want to let go off.

It was a great feeling when you got what you once wished for and one just wants to feel it again.

After all, isn’t that’s what the season about, believing?



“Why are we having this conversation again?” asked I. “Why is this such a concern to you?” I gave this guy a very serious look. He gave me a blank stare back and didn’t respond immediately to my inquiry.

It was somewhat upsetting that he was sort of ‘laying the law’ when first, he barely knew me and, second, was trying to convince me that he was really knowledgeable about the topic.

And, besides, if there’s nothing to happen here, why the concern, or is it that? What is it that he’s really trying to tell me? Perhaps warn me?

Is it that maybe he doesn’t want me to have a distraction away from him or it has to do with my age, as in, ‘don’t put your time on something when you don’t have that’, meaning you’re not getting any younger?

“Just saying,” said he. “Don’t you think it would be much easier to find someone locally?”

“Like I told you before, I’ve tried that already and it hasn’t worked out the way I hoped for. I’m not going to stop trying and if going outside the box is a possibility, I will try that too.”

I don’t recall what else went down in the conversation. After dinner he helped me clean up and even sat down to watch TV in my living room in spite of previous his criticism regarding its size.

It wasn’t that late when he told me he had to go, as he had lots of homework for the next day. This sounded like the Cinderella story; what would he turn to when the clock strikes midnight? I wouldn’t be surprised he has other plans, like meeting up with another woman, but I was glad he was gone. The night has evolved as far as it should.

I finished the clean up and went to bed not really reviewing the night. But when I woke up, I felt a huge sense of emptiness and sadness.

I stayed in my bed, laying back, staring at the ceiling, considering the nature of my emotions. I was fine last night and now this.

I know nothing will happen here with this guy, that I need to experience life more, so why these emotions?

Simple, at the end of the day, I’m back where I started with this guy thing, without one.

I guess I already know what will happen next: we might see each other one last time, maybe text or talk a few more until all vanishes into oblivion by itself. I will stop communicating and so will he, and that will be it.

Been there, done that. What am I doing about it? Nothing. Next…!



“So,” asked I, “how’s your semester doing?”

“Good, hectic, but good.”

“Well, I appreciate you putting some time aside tonight. Let me ask you, are you still using the site?”

“Ah, no…”

“Too busy, right?”

“Not really what I was expecting. Besides, I’ve met other women outside of it.”

Which means…? That nothing good came out of it, including me? Now I’m not feeling blue; it’s more like a red associated with my body temperature running high. No, it’s not hormonal; it’s being pissed off. My face color was now more intense than the pasta sauce.

“What about you, still looking at profiles of military guys?” asked he.

“Well, yeah. I check out any profile that catches my attention and honestly, some of those are doing just that.”

“Why are you engaging on that when nothing will come out of it?”

“Why don’t you ask yourself that question? You told me that you would leave after finishing your academic year. And you’re also seeing other women. I may not be seriously involved with anyone, but so aren’t you, which makes us the same.”

“But what if you meet someone who’s abroad?”

“If that happens, I will treat as I do with any other situation that I have. I’m not going to discard it from the beginning. If it hasn’t worked with a local guy, maybe in the distance it will.”

Hey, isn’t that what it means to ‘go the distance’?



et cetera
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