The New M.E. Generation











Turns out that she and this guy had reconnected for a longer time than from when she had let me know. She asked me not say anything to anyone else, because his visits to our hometown were occurring more frequently and more extended in length. Her: “I still have feelings for him…”

WTH? What kind of “feelings” are those? Lack of self-respect? Self-esteem? After all the things he’s done to you, like lying, using and then dumping you to go back to the bitch, you think it’s fine to be with him again without even taking into account all the history involved here?

And I thought I was the one with guy issues! But after looking at this scenario, I haven’t done that bad, you know why? Because I’ve behaved exactly as this guy had taught me: to get rid of men or people that are useless/worthless in my life (“¡eso no sirve!”). Did anybody said “toxic relationship”? Exactly…

When before he would maybe spend a day or a few hours before departing to get back to the states, a long distance relationship was already in place, up to the point that he had left some personal items at her home to have in case he needed them.

Even more, when he needed to retrieve some items out of his storage space that he shared with the bitch, and take his name out of the lease agreement for good, he asked her to accompany him where he used to live previously with that woman.

I expressed to her that I was concerned about him using her again to get his problems solved, to which she disagreed. For him, it was more that in case the bitch showed up at the location at the same time as he (which happened), he didn’t wanted to face her by himself because she already had a new man (which she did).

For her, it was that in case the bitched showed up, that this person would see that this guy and her were back together. It was a “look who’s back, bitch” moment that she very much looked forward to.

Her: “When that bitch saw me, her jaw dropped! She couldn’t believe I was there, to the point she didn’t say a word, which is rare! She later called this guy’s mother to complain and the mom told her to basically go f*ck herself and never call again!”

After this incident, he accompanied her to a wedding and became more participant in other events she had.

Her: “Ever since these two broke up, he has become more ‘light’; he finally recognized that it was a bad relationship. And he’s less of a religious fanatic.” She was very convinced of this, but when I looked at some photos she shared of them traveling and else, I was getting another vibe. His body language might read ‘lighter’, but he didn’t look like he was a changed man.

Case in point, every time the conversation as to why our friendship abruptly ended came up, he would tell her “I don’t want to talk about it” with a tone that it was a non-negotiable topic. That he “didn’t hated me”, but I was still blocked on his phone and social media.

So “light” he isn’t. If he’s waiting for me to come out and apologize to him, or try to take the first step into trying to salvage the damage done so I look like the one who is at fault here, it ain’t happening! He’s still upset with me because I’m standing up to him and that bothers him.

And after 5 years on non-communication between him and me, the forecast doesn’t look good. If neither of us is willing to consider a peace treaty, the war between us will continue, unless someone else takes the step of holding the olive branch and do it.

 

 



Me: “So if you’re not going to be in a relationship any longer, how about seeing each other then?”, read my text. (Silence…)

Of course he didn’t reply, as usual. He may say that “we go back a long way” and whatever other sugarcoated comment he usually mentions about us. Reality is he always avoids responding every time I put him against the wall. All he could add to our conversation was “it’s complicated”.

Me: “I can’t believe you allowed yourself to get into this dilemma. You were the one that always resolved any issue in front of you. You wouldn’t let anything or anyone disrupt your life. This is not you at all.”

I could see he was reading my messages, but chose to remain quiet. I was wondering if what I was saying was having an effect on him, when usually he was the one that had the greatest influence from the other. 

Me: “This is simple: you’re either in or out (and I didn’t meant his relationship status), you’re either dead or alive, you’re either pregnant or not, it’s either on or off, it’s either black or white. There’s no in-betweens. There’s no gray areas here.” In other words, make up your mind. Resolve this. Figure out what you want to do.

He never replied to my above mentioned comment and I eventually erased this conversation.

The last times I contacted him was when a hurricane was possibly going to hit our state and later this past January to wish him a good new year. His messenger photo still shows the girlfriend so I didn’t touch the subject.

He didn’t talk much, as usual, other that he was “thinking of taking a work sabbatical for about 10 month”.

Me: “Huh? Having a mid-life crisis? What are you going to do, going to a monastery and turning into a monk?” He replied with a laughing emoji, but no further details.

Well, he’s in his mid 50’s, so maybe he is. Way back he had mentioned that at one point he got himself an Italian passport (because he could proof that he has Italian ancestors three generations back) and once his kids were all grown-up and independent, he was going to get the hell out of the U.S. for good and live there. So maybe this could be very well be happening.

Which got me thinking, if I had the choice of doing something like this of relocating somewhere else, would I do it? Maybe.

It would have to be with a guy, obviously, and an “opportunity you can’t refuse”. Having the means surely helps too, which is what this guy has. Hmm, why is it that he always manages to do whatever he wants to? Why not me?

Me sending him a wishful thinking text: “Hey, if you leave to Italy, can I go with you?”

 

 

 



{September 2, 2019}   Looking Back 67 – Official status

As time passed along, the communication between the ‘beach guy’ and I slowly diminished.

He was not traveling to my area for work anymore and if he replied to my messages, they would be very brief and written in a hurry. He would never answer my calls.

I give it to him that at least he would reply. And that he was being faithful to the blonde, as he would say that if he was in my area, that it wouldn’t be right to see each other (I always told him that I would be fine meeting up as friends only).

He was also working a lot, and his kids were either graduating from school or moving on with their life as adults.

He has always been clear about his affairs, except of what the status was between his BF and him.

For example, during the last holidays, he sent me a text wishing me a merry one. I replied with a ‘thank you’ and asked what plans he had to celebrate.

Him: “Staying at home and spending the dates with my kids.”

Me: “What, no girlfriend?”

Him: “She has plans of her own.”

This didn’t sound right. After some more questions he said that “the relationship was basically over, but was not social media official.”

I quickly checked his profile and it showed that he was “in a relationship” and included her name. I checked hers and it was the same information. Even his messenger profile photo included her and both looked very happy together.

I’m confused. He has always been private about his life, and his profile rarely includes content, so why does he need to make it official in front of the whole “world wide web”?



It had been a while since I last chatted with my bestie about my former friend, until she reached out to me late one night with the opening text “guess who unblocked me??”

I knew it was him. In spite of all that has happened, they both have kept communicating on and off. The conversation was mainly small talk, with him not shedding much information about his whereabouts.

“I was on my social media the other day and when I decided to check on him, there was his profile on my list,” said she. (Note: ‘Checking on him [and the bitch] also meant having a separate account with another name that allowed to spy on either of them. The other woman had been doing the same; that’s how they were throwing shade at each other constantly, although supposedly beastie had stopped using the other profile because she was moving on from him.)

But it didn’t end there. There were these details that he apparently had moved to another state for a new job and the bitch was not part of any of this, meaning they had separated either temporary or permanently. Even more, there were no traces of the bitch on the guy’s profile.

My bestie was keeping details to a minimum to make me believe that the reconnection has just  happened, but evolving at a slow pace.

Because of my history with him as to how the friendship ended, I told her that I was “glad” that they were talking again. But in reality I was suspicious of why he had unblocked her.

I am aware that the relationship between the guy and each of us is different, but overlapped when the lying and bad behavior affected us females at the same time. So whatever happens with her will eventually affect me in some way. I felt there was more here than bestie was making me believe, especially when her mood and tone of words changes dramatically when he manages to “get back in the game.”

And I was right.

 



A few months passed by and I came across this guy once again sometime after hurricane Irma hit our area and my homeland. I think it was one of those occasions that he was again was very close to me, but I was unable to catch him. So I sent him a text as usual.

We exchanged messages about being without power (he said he stayed at a hotel during the outage) and asked me how hard the hurricane hit back home. I was surprised that he showed some concern about me and family.

Two weeks later and hurricane Maria hit the island and made matters really bad.

I think I came across him again on the road about 2 weeks later. I initiated the texting as always. But this time he threw me a curveball.

Him: “I have a small gas generator at home that I’m interested in donating. It’s not a current model, but has never been used, so it’s basically new. The catch is whoever’s interested has to come to my home and pick it up.”

Me: “Let me post this online and I’ll get back to you on that. Thank you.”

‘Wow,’ I thought to myself, ‘how nice of him!’ There’s such a need in the island for them, but the task is not easy. Like he well explained, someone has to go pick it up, then make the arrangements to send it to the island, which in normal circumstances is not cheap.

At that time there were no flights going in and out, and the mail, including independent courier services, were operating at a limited capacity. The cost was way out of the ordinary, with no definite date of when packages would arrive or could be delivered.

Still, I posted it online. Oh, that was the other thing. Basically the whole island was without power, which also affected internet and mobile phone connections. In other words, making the information known was almost the same as not posting about it.

Twice this guy text following up on the matter and me replying that “I was working on it.”

I honestly wanted to find a taker, most probably locally, because this is an item that will be much appreciated in someone’s home. I know many would love it in the island, but the cost of logistics was too much for any regular person.

Still, I kept reiterating my gratitude to him hoping to keep the offer open, until I got an “accidental” text from him.

He: “Can’t wait to see us at the gala.”

‘Wait, what?’ It was that feeling like when you’re driving and hear something on the radio that makes you hit the brakes and end up leaving tire marks on the road, smoke included.

A few minutes later I get another text: “Oops, wrong person.”

Well, well, well. The same person who had given me the big lie about not wanting to date me, that has too much problems, blah blah blah, was certainly spinning his wheels on someone else.

Being upset was an understatement, but after having survived a hurricane, among other things, I looked at this as another confirmation that this guy was worthless of anything from me.

I was not going to keep quiet, though. But to end all this in the most automotive of ways: rolling down the window, saying my last words to him sarcastically, hitting the gas quickly and driving away towards the sunset, never to be seen again.

Me: “Interesting how the truth always comes out.”

A few minutes later I sent a second text: “Oops, wrong person.” I then proceeded to block his number.

It’s been like a year later and still no sign of him at all.

Some things have changed for me, including a new job, so my route is now different.

Every so often I see a car similar to his and wonder about him. Sometimes I manage to get right next to these cars; if there’s a guy alone driving I look at him, smile, and keep going.

‘Look straight ahead, Emma. Keep driving forward. Move on. That’s all there is to it.’



Later on that day, I did get to rest a little by taking a nap. While my thoughts wandered into an unknown place in my mind, I started remembering certain moments from the past I had somewhat forgotten. Tears came down as I thought about them and tried to push them away.

I debated yet again if I should share them with him. A part of me felt I would look desperate if I did, while the other reminded me that, as he recently told me, “it doesn’t change anything.”

Me: “I don’t know why I’m remembering this, but there was a time when I was walking to school. You came down the street in your 2-door Fiat with the top off as always. You offered me a ride for the remainder of the trip. Was so nervous I didn’t say a word.” (And that I sat properly with my hands resting on my lap. Didn’t want the ride to end so quickly, but was more concerned about what other people would think when they saw us.)

“There was another occasion in the same car when you grabbed my hand and placed it in the shift stick. I took my hand away after some time. You then grabbed it again and placed it back. This time you held it with your hand so it would stay” (which means we were holding hands while taking a drive).

“I’m not sure if this last was the same day when you looked at me closely, made a hand gesture of moving your index finger towards you and saying ‘come here’ to me. I did with a face off ‘what?’ and then you gave me a big kiss.

The truth is that after all these years that I’ve had my own 2-door vehicle, have never been able to keep my hand off entirely when shifting gears and thinking of you when driving.

Who would have said that I would see you again. And that I would forget about you. And now you appeared again. And knowing that no matter what I feel, like you said correctly, nothing will change. Such is life.”

He made no comments to any of this. And I wasn’t expecting any, because that’s how he is. He’s one of those people that react to something by not reacting at all.

Hate to admit that the last day I saw him caused my inner-self to become unbalanced. And that’s because he’s always kept a distance much like a wall between us.

When at the apartment, when he kneeled in front of me and looked straight into my eyes, and I said that I was at peace with us (or that I’m over you), that wall came down upon him placing his hands on my knee.

He realized he was about to lose me and decided to enter my world for the first time. But that didn’t last long. When he said ‘I don’t know what to do with you’, he essentially regressed to his old self of distancing and leaving things in a limbo.

He had the chance of changing everything and didn’t take it. He made the choice of staying with the blonde.

As the weeks progressed, I kept some communication with him. I remembered out of the blue that his birth date was basically mine in reverse with a month difference.

The last time I contacted him was for the long summer weekend. Then the hurricane warnings and my birthday occurred. Nothing happened from his part considering we live on the same state.

As the storm battled my city and I survived many days without power, I took the time to allow the winds of change to set in and find my balance once more. And just like everything that got washed away, so did him and everything he represents.

He might have said things don’t change, but I did. With myself. And him. I took him out of my life with the same strength I did before. It’s the calm after the storm. It surely is.

Update: A week after the hurricane hit, on a Saturday, around 7:30 pm, I get the following text.

Him: “Hope you weathered the storm ok. Just got power and have been working on the property all day.”

I replied with a first text of summarizing that I was unable to celebrate my birthday because it was the day before the storm reached my area; that didn’t stay in my apartment during the event; that neither my home or car suffered damages; that my employer reopened the office mid-week, and I was presently getting up-to-date.

The second one read: “I’m glad you’re fine and hope your things get back to normal soon.”

Him: “Thanks. You too.”

So there it is. No surprise here, as usual.

He didn’t reach out when Maria hit, asking me how my mom was in the island, considering that because of me going to the beach with her, is how I met him, and it’s the place we both grew up and went to school together.

I know he’s not obliged to do anything. But it’s not right either. Simply said: he doesn’t care. And that’s the last memory I’ll have of him before I sign off from him for good.

“Although there’s pain in my chest, I still wish you the best, with a ‘forget you’.” – Cee Lo Green – Forget You

 



As the weeks progressed, I’ve kept in contact with this guy on and off. Our texting keeps being small-talk content, and he usually sends me a selfie with it.

Hate to admit I still think about him (which makes me be upset towards myself) and wonder why, since I already know things will never happen between us (because of the reasons stated previously), especially with the federal court case that’s pending to be presented next year.

For some reason I have to figure out yet, there’s a tiny part of me that’s still holding on, which makes me say stupid things, such as the following below. On any given Sunday, when he asks me if I was relaxing, I said:

Me: “Relax? Me? Nooo. Cleaning, cooking. Need to be doing things.”

He sends a selfie from his car with a serious/thoughtful face.

Me: “You look upset. A penny for your thoughts?”

Him: “Oh. Not upset at all. Going to see my kids.”

Me: “Ok. BTW, if you ever change your mind, my invitation is still open. Later.”

Him: “Invitation? For? To?”

Me: “You can come my way and visit me. You don’t have to wait to do so for work.”

Him: “Ohhh. Can you tame me for an entire weekend?”

Me: “I think I can.”

The texting ended there for the day. Wondered if he’s thinking about it.

A few days later on Thursday, I send him a TBT image of me like twenty-something years ago.

Him: “So pretty” (I reply with a smiling emoji). “So what are you up to?”

Me: “Thinking of you.”

Him: “Sweet” (he then sends me his selfie).

Me: “At home? Guess you’re thinking of me too.”

Him: “Very often.”

Me: “Awww” (romantic sound effect, please).

The next day:

Him: “Happy Friday.”

Me: “You too!” (smiley emoji). “Wish you were here.”

Him: “I can’t go anywhere right now with all my kids around.”

Me: “What if I come to you? My BFF says she has a GF your way that she wants to go visit and suggested both going together by car.”

Him: “Well, at present, if you recall, I am seeing someone.”

Me: “I knew you would say no. Gave it a try anyway. One can only hope.”

Him: “At this stage it probably wouldn’t be a great idea, although I would love to see you. I’m just being honest.”

Me: “I know you are. No worries.”

I may be hanging on to false expectations, but I think this situation of him with the blonde will not last.

It’s not that I’m wishing for it in a bad way because I’m jealous or something. But after learning about this guy’s recent relationships history, one can only conclude that this will be the result. It’s one of those feelings you have that can’t shake off.

Of course, I could be wrong. Wouldn’t be surprised if these two ended together in the long run. I learned way back that with this guy, anything is possible.

Except with me. In other words: anything is not always possible with this guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



{September 25, 2017}   Looking Back 64 – Who are you?

After he left for the day, I went for my usual weekend routine of going for a walk and getting ready for the new work week. Have to admit I was still thinking about him, mostly because this encounter was different from any contact we’ve had before and recently.

I get this text sometime around 7pm: “It was nice seeing you.”

Me: “Likewise.” I believe he also made a comment of ‘you should have come to the hotel’. Oh boy. No, not happening.

Next day he sent another text while on my morning commute.

Him: “Have a good day at work!”

Me: “You too! Have a safe travel back.”

Him: “Thank you.”

I checked up on him some hours later.

Me: “Back home?”

Him: “Just landed. Can I contact you?”

Me: “Sure. Including calling me.”

Him: “Yes.”

We didn’t text the next few days. He was still present in my thoughts, but was having this feeling that there was something more to him. So I did what I do with all other guys before him, which was to look him up online.

I hadn’t finished typing his full name when I see the keywords of ‘arrest’ and ‘mug shot’ appear on the search screen.

My eyes opened wide, stayed frozen for a few minutes, all while this rush of emotions went up and down my whole being.

I opened one of the newspaper articles and there it was: basically he was involved with medical fraud and was arrested for it. There were many details to read through, including the mention of an expensive vehicle used as payback (that was eventually taken away), and that the case is set to be seen in court on January of next year.

I had no idea what to think about all this, except that everything now made sense. That the fancy car I first saw him with had to be the one mentioned. That his involvement got him the money to pay for all those toys he has. That his excuses for not getting involved with me was maybe to keep me away from this.

For about 2 days, I asked myself if he was really capable of doing this. Or how on earth he got himself in this problem when he’s supposed to be smart, when it has been proven over and over that if you get involved with something like this, the results and consequences can be really nasty.

I wanted to confront him, but didn’t know how. So I did the usual of sending a random text message and waited for him to ask me how I was doing.

Me: “Umm. Don’t know how to say this. Yesterday I found out about the big mess you got yourself into. I’m still in shock about it.”

Him: “Are you referring to the federal indictment?”

Me: “Of all the people I’ve known, I never thought you would pull a stunt like that.”

Him: “No kidding. Me neither. I got dragged into it from the people I was working with. All the counts have been dropped, but one. Still working with the authorities on this.”

Me: “The media says the case will be seen next year and that you could go to jail.”

Him: “There’s always that possibility.”

Me: “You have no idea how hard this has hit me. I would have preferred you telling me the day we saw each other, than finding out over the internet.”

Him: “It’s not worth worrying about. Worrying doesn’t change anything.”

Another few days later, as it usually happens when I have ongoing guy matters, my BF asks me to join her for dinner.

After giving her a semi high-speed summary of my history with this guy until the present, to then turn into a full-blown drama queen when describing the moment of discovery, when she says:

BF: “He’s gay?”

Me: “No!”

Another few more seconds of suspense, and…

BF: “He’s married.”

Me: “No!”

When I finally tell her, she gave me a face of ‘holy shit; that’s bad!’

BF: “He didn’t say anything because he was protecting you” (could be).

Me: “I still think he should have been open about it with me.”

BF: “Hello! You hadn’t seen him for, what, 3 years? Did you honestly expect that he was going to drop this ball on you??”

Later in the evening when trying to sleep, I reflected on what she said about this guy protecting me. There was a part that wanted to believe this, while another couldn’t fathom that in as little as 6 months from now, his whole life could go on a standstill.

Whatever his reasons might be, the hard reality that I have to face is this: neither before, today, or after, him and I are not destined to be together. Ever.

 

 

 

 

 



{September 18, 2017}   Looking Back 63 – Turning point

It was inevitable to revert back to the past. I mentioned again (don’t know what number this was) that I didn’t understand his behavior towards me of being super nice at the beach, to then ignore me at school.

Him: “I’ve always done things my way outside the box, you know that. Always low key, especially now with work. That’s why I hate social media. No need for people to know what I do” (there wasn’t anything low key about all those photos you showed me before of the many toys you have, including several cars, an RV, boat, etc.).

Me: “Yes, at school you were in your zone (more like having a wall in front of you), always studying (that you used to have people afar). You only took part in minimal activities. When it had to do with an effort that involved everyone in your class, like a sketch for the Pep Rally, you cooperated. If not, no.”

I was wondering if he at least would say ‘sorry for that’, but no. Still the same on that.

We returned home and continued the conversation. We were sitting on my sofa, when he suddenly got down on both knees, putting his arms on top of my legs, looking at me with his face very close to mine. I was as calm as I’ve ever been.

Him: “I don’t know what to do about you” (if you like what you see, you should put a ring on it).

Me: “Well, since you said the distance is an issue and don’t want me putting too many miles on my leased car, I guess nothing will happen. You keep saying all these nice things about me, but don’t do anything afterwards.”

Him: “Distance is a problem” (wrong answer buzzer sound effect). I gave him a look of ‘you know that’s not it.’

“I have a problem with being committed” (buzzer again. You were married for over 15 years; what do you call that?).

“Truth is, I need someone that wants to be with me for what I am and can put up with my schedule, not be attracted by this supposed lifestyle that I have. They hear about the fancy things my clients have and think I will tag them along when working, but that’s not how it goes” (‘ding ding ding’ sound effect).

Me: “You need a woman that can hold her own, is independent, and comfortable with her life and space when she’s not with you” (which is pretty much me, don’t you think?).

We kept looking at each other like those movie scenes where you wonder when the decisive moment will occur.

Me: “I’m at peace, Frank. That’s all you need to know. I’m fine with my life, past, you and me, the blonde you’re seeing. Like I said before, if that’s what you want, go for it.”

Him (while now looking away): “Her?? I sort of feel guilty being here. She’s a nice girl… (and other complements).”

Me: “But you’re not that into her. (He gave me a look that I was right on this one. Of course I am. If he was serious about her, he wouldn’t be texting or sending selfies every time we communicate, saying how beautiful I am, even less trying to see me every time he’s in town.)

If you and I tried being together, we would have to start from scratch. Put the past behind and deal with the now. Correction, I need to do that. That would be the only way if there was ever a chance.

You have to figure out what you want for yourself. Including her. And I’m not upset with you. Not any more. If you can’t be with me, or don’t want to, that’s up to you.”

Sometime later, I walked him to my apartment complex gate. The limo was parked outside waiting for him. I hugged and kissed him good-bye, much like that day at the school’s assembly when I wondered if I would ever see him again.

So what do I think the ending to all this will be? My forecast is this: he’ll stay with the blonde. When he realizes that it’s me that he really wants, he will come back, only to find me with someone else.

Because that’s how the universe works. It gives you a number of chances to make things right. But if you base your decisions on anything except love, then it will take away what you took for granted.

He will get his boat, that’s for sure. And will sail away wondering what his life would have been if he hadn’t let me go.

It’s “certain as the sun, rising in the east. Song as old as rhyme. Tale as old as time. Ever just as sure, as the sun will rise.” – Beauty and the Beast

 

 

 

 

 



et cetera