The New M.E. Generation











Our friendship continued throughout high school without any setback. Our meetings occurred more due to a necessity, like me needing to get something at the pharmacy.

We both had things to do after school; I was active in school activities, tried to keep my long distance relationship going by sending my former BF letters and pictures of me, plus endless house chores that I was responsible for.

This guy worked every day at the pharmacy during the school week. Although his career goal was in another field, he learned al that he could about it and was helping his father manage it.

On occasions he would come to visit home to see my brother, but as the years progressed, we both concentrated more towards getting into college.

The ironic part was that I was an average student with good conduct and he was the opposite. He got notoriously popular for pranks he was pulling off, which got him in trouble far too long with the school administration.

I admired him for being daring, because I was insecure of coming out of my shell or doing anything that could affect my entrance to college.

One day we went to have lunch at a fast food place and he started telling me some of his stories. I couldn’t believe what he was doing; he wasn’t hurting or physically damaging anything, he was simply looking for attention as he candidly admitted.

Like me, our parents had gotten divorced and he was playing out the emotions he felt about it. What he expressed was harmless, but spoke volumes in other ways.

I kept listening to him and laughed a lot, amused by his creativity. But deep inside I envied him. In spite of having some parallels in our lives, I was keeping my emotions to myself. They were somewhat expressed through my letter writing and school clubs I was involved at. But I never had the audacity to really take a risk on anything close to his level.

He had also known what he wanted as a career from an early age. I had no idea what I was supposed to do all together. All I wanted to do was to graduate and come to college in the U.S. It was for me a secure way to run away from my current life and run into another, which future was as obscure as my present one.

And as always happened, the universe made itself present. It always had, but it has been a recent discovery of its ‘pranks’ in my existence.

While we were in the end part of our meal, and elderly man sitting at a table nearby would look at us from time to time. Of course I didn’t notice; I was feeling too sorry for myself.

When the man was almost done, he took a napkin and wrote something in it. Before leaving, he came to our table and handed it over to my friend. “Here’s something for you. Good night,” said he.

My friend and I got surprised. He read the napkin, smiled and laughed. He then handed it over to me; I don’t remember the exact words, but it had to do with my apparent beauty and how lucky this guy was of me being with him.

My reaction was a combination of puzzlement and surprise at what a total stranger had expressed about me. This would be one of many messages that literally dropped from the sky, or better yet, heaven, that would present to me when I needed it the most.

Back then I couldn’t grasp my true inner and outer essence, or that our friendship we were having, as well as the love and respect for each other, was also one of real beauty.

It’s heartbreaking sharing such a simple moment and think how we are now separated by an emotional distance that he chose to travel.

Perhaps the universe had another written message within the napkin. Maybe what my friend had told my former BF was also talking to him.

In other words, I could also slip away from him like sand between his fingers, and if I didn’t, consider yourself lucky.



Needless to say, our friendship was what everyone would say it would never be: real. There’s always been the notion that just a friendship between a man and woman will never stay like that. But it did.

We both had romantic relationships during high school, to which we respected and supported of. There was never jealously or intervened as to how we should deal with it.

He was aware of some details of the inside’s of mine as I would consult him, and I would because I had confidence he would suggest what would be beneficial for me and not for him. He never once strayed me so I would end up with him.

I showed my respect towards his relationship as well. I wouldn’t ask much about it and as long as I knew it was doing well, I would be the same. Besides, because I felt he was doing right for me, I was confident he would do the same for himself.

We had such a strong bond that even my BF at the time (who all knew each other from school) realized that if he wanted to be with me, he had to accept our friendship. I was never shy of talking about him and with time my BF realized my other friend was no threat.

My BF eventually learned to respect our friendship and even went to him at one time for advice when things were not quite there. Thing was, my BF was away in college and the long distance was obviously distancing us, so my BF started fearing he would loose me.

According to my other friend, my BF went to the pharmacy and asked him to have a private chat. Upon my BF saying about the challenges the relationship was having and me going away, my friend replied with these transcending words: “Don’t pressure Emma too much because if you do, she might slip away like sand between your fingers”.

When my friend told me this story during his last encounters with me, I got surprised to what extent my BF had gone for to not loose me. But as always, my friend was right on point as to how well he knew me.

Even more, he shed light on a personal trait: being pressured too much into something has never worked well with me. I tolerate it, but eventually disconnect or walk away. I tend to avoid the confrontation and if I do, I just explode, and then things get really nasty.

As I have said before, sounds familiar? Why is it that I seem to have forgotten plenty, but some things just remain the same?

Is this good or bad? Don’t know. Maybe it’s a half and half, good when it works on your favor, bad when it doesn’t.

What will I do about it? I’m thinking.



So what happens when a friendship goes wrong?

And I’m not talking about any guy previously mentioned that I’ve tried to do things right.

Believe it or not, I’m referring to my high school friend. Of all people, he’s the one that I felt has betrayed me the most.

So how did it all happened is unclear to me, but will try to figure it out.

Our friendship started during our early teens. My earliest recollection was that he started hanging out with my brother at home. Of all the guys that would come around, he was the only one took an interest in me.

I wasn’t into him in anything at first. With only 13 years, my parents were divorced, my mom went back to work, and I was responsible for many chores at home.

Like all Hispanic cultures, my brother was doing whatever he wanted, including giving attention to his buddies instead of me. Top that with being a freshman trying to navigate school and life in general with no one to lead the way.

My memories included him talking to me every time he would be home, mostly about how I was doing. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me and that I were fine. I felt at ease with him and that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.

As I later learned, his father had a pharmacy in my neighborhood and that he worked there after school, and the mom had a beauty salon at the building where my dad had his office.

When I had nothing to do, I would walk to the pharmacy with the excuse of having to buy something. I would chat with him for a few and then headed back home. He never got upset with me while there and would always find the time to talk to me. I would later get my hair done with the mom and became a client for several years.

Curiously I never had an emotional interest with him. I never once felt like kissing or hugging him, or display any affection towards him.

After some time of friendship, he conveyed to me very politely that he had some interest in me. I felt very flattered, but never pursued him in any way any more than what we were sharing already.

He respected my way of being, including my feelings towards him, and became the only person I allowed to enter my world as a whole.

He had everything going on for him and I chose not to pursue him romantically. Sounds familiar? Yep, my love/hate relationship with men has run deeper that I thought. And sadly, being then or now, it sure feels the same.



Although I didn’t end up doing anything romantic for the weekend, I managed to have fun on my own way.

After the universe intervention inside the store, I spent the rest of the day relaxing at home. I cooked myself some dinner, called a few friends I was pending to do so for some time, and watched a movie on TV. Of course it was romantic, but watched it objectively and let myself dream about my own love future.

The next day (Monday) was a holiday, which made it even better. I rested well, had breakfast and later went to the hairdresser.

One thing I’ve practiced throughout the years is to always take care of myself and do things that help my self-esteem. Even more, it’s another way of expressing myself and continues developing my personality.

Back in the days of my past life, that guy or ‘X’ never liked what I did to my hair. Although I was the one wearing it, I had to get it done the way he wanted it. He would always say, ‘you have to please me’, to which I would reply, ‘and who is pleasing me?’

He would stare at me with a blank face because he was totally moronic and emotionally retarded, and the relationship was all about him. He didn’t care about my feelings or personality.

He wanted me to fulfill his expectations in their entirety and even if I did, it was never good enough. There was still another level that I needed to achieve to make him ‘happy’, which he never was.

So now after all these years on my own, being able to express a part of me is something very powerful. And it will stay as that with whomever comes into my life and wants to be with me.

I also wanted to go to the hairdresser because the weather forecasted cold days this coming week. This meant that if I didn’t take care of it today, I would had to wait for the weather to change again.

I got my hair done and a few days later it got pretty cold. I knew the beach guy disliked the cold weather because it wouldn’t allow him to go ‘topless’ in his car. He would get in a bad mood, so I decided to tease him and have fun with it.

‘Hey, how bad is the weather over there?’ text I.

‘I hate this weather!! Pretty chilly. My nipples are hard, but not all of me.’

‘Shrinkage?’

‘No problem in that department. How’s the weather for you down south? Any activity lately?’

How dare he?? Guess the joke is on me now. I didn’t answer right away, as I was overly upset and wanted to get my thoughts together before I said something very nasty.

‘Guess not?’ asked he.

‘Not answering that. That’s not for you to know.’

‘Right.’

Exactly right. What little emotions I had towards him had just turned cold. Maybe I should wait for the sunnier days to happen before I contact him again, if that.

Maybe that will warm up my heart and look at things differently. But for today, it’s all frozen.



It was still early in the morning the day after St. Valentine’s and had no plans or guy to spend it with.

So what’s a girl to do? Go shopping, of course!

Hey, it’s the most wonderful time to do that, considering there’s bargains for merchandise left over from the holidays. So I decided to go to a store close to me that I’ve been to before, which was advertising great markdowns.
I went straight to the back part where all the clearance items were. I liked what I was finding and listening to.

The in-store background music was all American as the store’s image is. The tunes sang about having good times, how much love a person had for their significant other; all with messages intended to make your shopping as pleasant as possible.

Heck, I was even singing the songs in my head. I got into such a really good mood, that not even the crowd at the store bothered me.

Next step was the dressing room. There was a line, but I didn’t have to wait that long, which was great.

I got inside one and was so immersed in trying out my clothes, that I became unaware of all other noise around me. That is, until something very strange happened.

A song with a Latin beat started playing. It got my attention because my mind was already tuned to songs in English, so it took me a few seconds to adjust to listening the lyrics in Spanish. What was even weirder was that of all times I’ve been to this store, I’ve never heard any songs in Spanish before.

I know I live in a very populated Hispanic community, but I know as a fact that many businesses hire the services of companies that provide background music. This means that the songs have been pre-selected, so you have no control of what is to be streamed.

As I continued listening to the song I realized I’ve heard this one before: <em>“Your love is yesterday’s newspaper that no one else cares to read about. I loved you, but now I don’t. You’re now part of my memory album.”

WTF?? Was this the universe talking straight at me? This is not exactly a love song, but more of a guy telling his significant other that he loved her at one time, but because she was ungrateful to him, he’s moving on and doesn’t want her in his life no more.

Ouch! That’s a big statement. It was pretty much what I lived with the beach guy, but in reverse, and it resonated heavily with me. It was almost as if this relationship had just been played out loud.

Then the song ended and the American ones continued. I was so baffled that I had to sit down in the dressing room to analyze what had just happened. I was still wearing the stuff I had picked out to try on.

Why did this happen, especially when I was alone, inside the dressing room? Maybe the universe altered the music in some way to let me know that yes, I did the right thing the night before.

Maybe if I had been on the store floor I would have missed the song. I needed to be there between those 4 walls to really get the message of what had happened then and now.

I stood up and looked at myself on the mirror. It was as if I was staring at another person; I felt different but in a good way.

That girl from the past was also yesterday’s news and just as the lyrics said, I just don’t want you any more.



I somehow managed to finally fall asleep. The weather was cooler than normal, so it was nice to be in bed resting.

I didn’t immediately get out of bed upon waking up. I knew well what had evolved the previous night: he wanted to drive all the way over here and show up (not exactly unannounced); better yet, surprise me on Valentine’s weekend.

You’re probably thinking why I didn’t go for it when I keep saying that I should get exposed to these type of situations.

As stupid as it may seem, I wasn’t up for it last night. Blame it on my comfy bed, me being tired, or perhaps that I had washed my hair and didn’t want to get it messed up.

It just gets to the point that if you know nothing else will evolve here, why put your time and emotions into it?

I know I could just do it for the fun of it and later remember the incident as one that made this particular weekend unique.

But as weird as this may sound, perhaps the real reason is that I unconsciously felt this would be a grown-up version of what happened during high school.

The memories are limited, but between what I’ve learned from his stories and the little I remember, the scenario is just the same: he’s into me, but not enough or interested to taking it further.

That I could have had a jolly, good time (and maybe more) is true. But at this point in my life, I’ve learned to do that with my girlfriends, but most importantly, on my own, without the need of having a guy next to me.

And then, at exactly 10:10am, the beach guy resurfaced.

‘Good morning. You know I would have driven there for the day,’ text he.

‘But you’re with your daughter.’

‘She’s 17 and her 18-year-old brother is here. They will be fine overnight or for the day. I could have even left late last night, but you were so stubborn about your address. I guess you didn’t get the hint.’

‘I fell asleep. And thought you couldn’t leave your kids home alone.’

‘The little one is out of state and the two I have with me are old enough to be alone.

‘You can still come here. I have off tomorrow.’

‘I have to work tomorrow and I’m not driving there just to be with you for a couple of hours.’

See what I mean? It felt just like the good old days. He would spend a few hours with me at the beach and off he went. The day would have evolved the same, minus the location.

I was sort of still questioning myself about my indifference, but not any more. You realize what I did? I rejected him!!

Wow! And maybe for the first time, the sand blew up to him and hit him hard on the face. Nice!

This is definitely one memory I’m surely not forgetting.



‘And it’s about a 3 ½ hour drive. And I’m falling asleep,’ text I.

‘Good night Mimi,’ replied he.

‘Another toy? Wrong chick. And you have a new girlfriend.’

‘Ha. I have no GF. I have called you that before. Yes I have a crap load of cars.’

‘When did you called me that?’

‘High school. You don’t remember?’

‘There’s a crap load of things about you that I still don’t. How and why did you come up with that name?’

‘IDK. I can’t believe you don’t remember!!’

‘Sorry; trying really hard. There had to be reason you gave the name to me. You don’t do anything for nothing.’

‘I think you asked me to call you that. It was sort of a love nickname.’

‘No one has ever given me a nickname, not even family. I was insecure back then, so I doubt I would’ve asked you for anything.’

The texting stopped at that point. It was late, but couldn’t fall asleep. The name thing was circling my mind and as hard as I thought about it, the recollection was not happening.

But it helped to make sense of other feelings I have felt. I would bet anything he gave me the name, which probably made me feel special and that I was more than just a friend. It’s almost a girlfriend feeling, but perhaps that I was part of his life.

My adolescence was difficult, especially the relationship with my mom, and among that chaos I thought someone loved me. Having a nickname symbolized the person I wished I could have been and probably what I thought he expected of me.

I wasn’t happy with my life, so being with someone I thought had feelings for me was all I could ask for, and having another name made me different and set me aside from everyone else.

Now I understand the conflicting memories of what we actually were. This guy probably felt something for me, but not to a level of considering me anything other than this playful girl who liked hanging out at the beach with him.

Me, on the other hand, would feel too much for other guys because I was looking for the affection I wasn’t getting at home. That’s why it was so hard for me to take when he graduated and never looked for me afterwards. Maybe my mind has deleted or archived all this to avoid feeling again all the pain I felt because of it.

So what am I feeling about this forgotten name? ‘Mimi’ sounds almost like ‘me me’. I like how it sounds. I could approach it that it’s all about me now, how I’ve turned my life around and made it all mine.

Mimi might have resurfaced from the deep, but what washed back to shore looks pretty bright and polished.

Am I totally back? No, but for today, that’s good enough for me.



{February 23, 2015}   Looking Back 41 – Emotional trip

The long Valentine’s weekend came and I had no romantic plans for it. I know the whole thing is a cliché when you’re supposed to show your love and appreciation to your loved ones at all times.

Still, there were some instances where I had the thoughts that I’ve been single for quite a while, and only a few guys from past and present are worth rekindling on.

The weather had also turned quite cold, which felt like a correlation of how I saw my love life to be. But as in everything, it changes and one must adapt to it or succumb.

What I decided to do was to dedicate the weekend to myself, even if it meant doing totally unrelated ‘me time’ things like laundry. I wanted to rest as well, and even take advantage of store sales. The goal was doing things that made me feel good.

So I planned out my weekend: Saturday was for laundry and ironing; Sunday, supermarket, church, taking care of anything else; Monday, relax and hairdresser.

Saturday evolved as planned. Didn’t left my apartment the whole day, so I tried my best to enjoy it as best as I could in spite of not having an invite. I didn’t even mind the ironing when a good movie was on TV.

I made myself some dinner, showered and watched more TV in bed. My clean sheets felt great and nothing else mattered to me.

I was falling asleep closed to midnight when… I get a text from the beach guy.

‘Hey, happy valentine’s day. Hope you had a good day,’ wrote he.

‘Same to you. Stayed home doing laundry and I’m having a date with my bed.’

‘I was home all day as well. Spent the evening with my daughter who’s BF is out of town.’

‘At least you have company.’

‘You want me to visit you?’

‘That would be nice, but the distance is brutal.’

‘It is; what’s your address?’

‘What? You should have it stored in your GPS.’

‘Just trying to figure out the drive time silly. I have a new phone, new car, even new underwear.’

Whoa, whoa; hold your horses! This is just too much and I’m not talking about him trying to drive over here, and arriving at what time exactly?

And what about the new car and underwear? A new toy on top of all those you already have? Why? This sounds to me like you have a huge emotional void that just doesn’t get resolved.

If such is the case, then I should feel happy for myself. I think I have the material possessions that I need at the moment, and take care a lot of them until it’s time to part from them.

Honestly, I’m not liking the comment the more I think about it. The word ‘arrogance’ keeps circling my mind and it’s gaining momentum.

Then there’s the thing with the underwear. If we were back in high school, for sure I would be interested in looking at them with that great body you used to sport.

But now, no thank you. I think I can find more interesting ones to look at on the Internet, for free!

This all translates that if he comes here, I know I will get upset when I see the car. Fine, I know my insecurities will surface, so might as well put a stop to this ego trip before I get really upset.

What will I do about it? Nothing; I’ll just sleep over it.



‘Hey, doing anything for Valentine’s since you’re so good at all you do? texted I to the beach guy.

‘Nothing romantic,’ answered he. ‘Have my kids that weekend. You?’

‘No plans; no one to spend it with. At least I have Monday off.’

‘That’s good; I have to work.’

‘You should do something special for your mom and daughters. After all, they’re the real women in you life.’

‘True, but I show my love for them all the time.’

‘I know you do. Guess I was curious to see what you would do. On another note, expect to hear weird medical stories with the 50 thing going on.’

‘Like STD’s?’

‘More like people attempting kinky things and getting hurt. The news were reporting that hardware stores are expecting unusual sales on tape, chains, rope, etc.’

‘Ha! I avoid the news; they’re depressing.’

‘I don’t like reading them either, but this story made me laugh. Why should some people attempt weird things you’ve never done before?’

‘What? You’ve never done anything really outside the box?’

‘Hmm, I guess, yes, but I think I don’t think I need to go too far to feel something I’ve never felt before.’

‘Not interested in hearing some of my experiences?’

‘Nooo! I’m sure they’re plenty and amusing. Maybe you can share another time on the phone or if we see each other again. Now I have to get back to work.’

That conversation happened on a Friday. The next morning, very early, like at almost 3 a.m., I was awakened when my phone vibrated after receiving a text message.

In my half awake, half asleep mode, I thought to myself that either something bad happened or this guy had really taken it seriously about sharing his ‘close encounters of another kind’.

‘So, it’s late. I’ve been thinking about you,’ read the text.

I felt delighted by his comment, but then got nervous. What if he was to unearth a story that had to do with something I didn’t remember? Since it was so early for me (dude, don’t you sleep? Guess not.), I knew it was best to wait until waking up and reply with a clear head. So I did.

‘What about?’ asked I.

‘Just about how nice you are.’

Well, that was nice from him, again. And what a relief that it had to do with me, but in a good way. He didn’t write anything else, so I left it as was.

Throughout the day I kept wondering what if he had mentioned a story related to us that showcased a different shade of me? Would have I liked to hear it? After all, part of my process of getting back to the ‘now’ was putting the pieces together from the ‘then’. Why am I so worried about it? Besides, it’s in the past.

Maybe because all I needed to hear, or perhaps wanted to hear, from him has already been said. Maybe there’s a story about me that’s still bouncing around the outer limits of my mind, waiting to manifest itself again.

Now what, another dream?



et cetera
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