The New M.E. Generation











It has been a few weeks since the ‘beach guy’ resurfaced, so I was curious about him. I know his last text message had ‘booty call’ written all over it and that our last chatting some 2 years ago ended badly, but that’s the way I am. For me, there’s always something underlying here that I want to find out.

I know his behavior proved he’s still the same guy I remember from school, but you always wonder if even a slight behavior modification has occurred.

So I texted him ‘So what’s up with you?’ and waited for an answer. He replied a couple of hours later, stating that he was dealing with a cardio patient in a clinic in Ohio.

After the small talk exchange from both sides was done, he then said: “Well I’m sorry I missed you last time I was there.”

Me: “Next time tell me in advance and it might happen.”

Him: “Well it was a last minute trip. That’s how they usually are.”

Yep, still the same. Felt like saying, “Whatever. You couldn’t even call or text me during your 3+ hours drive that you were headed my way?” But I was in no mood to engage in a new ‘war of words’ that would lead to the same “I’m done” as before. So I didn’t comment on that.

Him: “What might happen 🙂 See you?”

Me: “Yeah if I can meet up with you.”

Him: “Awesome.”

OMG, what’s wrong with this guy? It’s obvious that if he continues to drop by unannounced and giving me a very small window of time to react, I will continue to decline his invitation. “Más claro no canta un gallo.”

The next day in the evening, we again exchanged some more random conversation. Around 10:30pm he sends me a selfie of his face, taken while lying down on the bed. ‘Man, you look old!’ was my first thought.

His facial expression was one I couldn’t quite figure out (so typical of him). Besides showing a serious tone, it was part ‘sleepy’, to perhaps ‘want to join me?’, to ‘like what you see?’, to ‘I want to say something nice to you, but will never tell’, to ‘I was an idiot letting you go’. I know I could have asked him his thoughts, but since he’s hard to decipher, I again left it at that.

I then debated if I should do the same about the selfie. Thought ‘why not?’ and sent it, but I was smiling in it.

Him: “You are so pretty as always.”

Wow, that comment really took me back to the past, when one day he would be super nice to me at the beach, giving me the illusion that he was into me, to then ignoring me completely at school, making me feel rejected and confused. I replied only with ‘Thanks’.

Have to admit that it moved me. It has been a while since any guy have said anything nice to me (the closest is LZ1 – see the Road Less Traveled story). And with all I’ve gone through, it surely made my night.

But thought what I should have really told him was “if you like what you see, you should put a ring on it”, as in ‘here’s your chance now’.

But that’s something I will probably never get to see, unless he’s waiting for me to do that. I mean, I was the one who invited him to come my way multiple times with no success. Hmm, that’s probably because he’s seeing somebody.

Got to get an update on this before I make my next move (or not)!

 

 

 



It was around 7pm on a Friday after getting home that I looked at my mobile while watching TV and trying to cook something. I tend to put the phone down in my room and ignore it until later. But I had been texting with someone that day and wanted to conclude with the chatting.

I notice I hadn’t read a text, which I thought was from the other person, but didn’t hear the alert sound, which was odd to me. Looking again, I noticed it came from the Unknown tab.

I see a number and 2 texts delivered around an hour and a half earlier: “Emma!!” “Emma Marques”.

I searched the area code and it gave me the town where ‘the beach guy’ lives. Oh, no! ‘Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water’…

It had to be him. I don’t know anyone else who lives in his area. And when someone spells my last name correctly, they definitely know me.

To be honest, it wasn’t thrilled about him resurfacing, especially after how he behaved when we reconnected. I thought about ignoring it all together, but decided to test him out.

I waited about a half hour and then replied: “Who’s this?”

“Frank. Wow. You are on a ‘delay’.”

What’s that supposed to mean? That I didn’t fulfill your expectations of not responding right away? Memo to you: I will treat you the same way you have before – indifferent.

“This is Emma from school?” (he gave the correct name). Yep, still not making it easy to him.

“Frank who? Yes.”

“Frank Antonetti” / “I’m in town and I thought of you” /  “So I’m reaching out to see how you are” / “Still divorced and Single? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Married again?” / “I’m going out to get some dinner.” / “I’m in Bal Harbor.”

Surprise, surprise (not). Here we go again of him never telling me in advance that he’s going to be around, even less using the phone to do so.

I clearly remember once when he was flown by private jet to meet with a patient (he’s a personal doctor) on a weekday. He texted me while on the air around 10pm or so, saying to join him at the hotel. I told him I had to go to work the next day. He said: “too bad. we could have snuggled together.”

Really? I know how this goes, you’re in town taking care of other people’s needs, but looking to resolve yours with a “quickie fix”?

The last time he did the same ‘unannounced’ thing and I gave him a very solid ‘no’, he tried to play the ‘guilty feelings’ card by saying that ‘I remember you being more adventurous’ (no kiddo, I’m not bungee jumping to prove you wrong or let you manipulate me so you can get what you want). Or that ‘I bet my hotel room is more comfortable than your apartment’ and ‘you’re probably bored watching a movie on TV’.

I didn’t kept quiet and fired back at him in such a way, that he last said “I’m done”. So was I, big time.

And WTF with the ‘girlfriend’ question? What makes you think that, because I’ve been unlucky finding a guy, now I’m trying other measures to be with someone?

I didn’t felt like saying anything else, but wanted to get back at him somehow, so I waited some more and decided on just this: “Hey! Nice of you to think of me. Life is good.”

It was a combination of telling a lie, leaving it ambiguous, and that whatever I’m doing at this exact moment, is way better than being with you.

“Good”, said he. “How far are you from where I am?”

I didn’t say a word. Half hour later he says: “Well, I’m sure you’re busy.”

Exactly, you didn’t appreciate any of my time before, so now I’m ‘busy’ for you.

The next day I realized that I also had a Messenger and Friend request. We used to be connected on social media, but I unfriended him during the ‘done’ episode (and I never looked back).

Still, I took a peak at his profile out of curiosity. It was normal, except this photo from almost a year ago, where he’s on his boat taking a selfie (using both hands) with a very blonde chick (like those that probably bleach their hair with a household cleaner). She had an exaggerated smile and held him like an octopus; his body language read he was only with her for whatever reason that benefitted him.

I then told my bestie about it (see The Ex-Friend): “I hope my non-reply gives him the message.”

Bestie: “Hopefully, because it seems he’s a moron. Otherwise you don’t deal with booty calls or booty FB requests.”

Me: “Haven’t heard from him in like 2 years and now reappears parachute-style?”

Bestie: “One word for you: Next!!!”

You got that right, as always.

Interestingly enough, I was as calm as I’ve ever been. Amazing what time and distance can do for you.

As for him, I hope he enjoyed his meal, whatever kind it was.

“Revenge is a meal best served cold.” Buono appetito!

 

 

 



{January 25, 2016}   The Ex-Friend 20 – I wish I may

I was really glad that the visit to the elderly couple was over. We were there for about 4 hours and just got to the point I was getting upset.

Don’t get me wrong dude; if you want to visit them, please do so on your own time, not during my birthday weekend. On top of that, you complaint about others using your mom, you, or other people, but you definitely did it with me for this.

The next stop was a flea market in his college town that I had visited during my Spring Break visit. From there we stopped at the beach. It was here where the beach guy called me when I was getting my photos taken (please see the Looking Back story), to which I later answered when we were all sitting in the car. This was the phone call that the guy made the comment that ‘I was with my boyfriend’, to which I replied, “no, he’s not my boyfriend!” in a harsh tone.

I know I shouldn’t have answered that way, especially with my friend behind me, but it was frustrating that my friend was supposedly interested in taking our friendship further and the beach guy was not taking my interest seriously of hopefully taking things further between us.

Once again, I put the incident aside as we were still pending to do the last event of the day, get to another town and have dinner at a restaurant I had been before and always wanted to return.

At the end of the meal, the waiter brought out a dessert with a lit candle on it. I got emotional and tears came down my face before I blew out the candle.

I looked at both my friend and mom, and placed each of my hands into theirs, while thanking them both for all they had done for me the past days.

My friend smiled with joy, but his mom didn’t flinch. Her face looked like she was saying, ‘girl get yourself together’. The mom has always been one who never smiles at anyone or anything, don’t know why. She had a demeanor of someone who had a wall in front of her and showing no emotions.

Whatever the reason, I never liked this angry demeanor of her or whatever happened that made her like that, especially when my friend was now advocating forgiving people or shedding anything of the past that is anchoring you down into moving forward.

This woman was not capable of at least sharing the happiness of this moment or even making the effort of gifting me a smile. It was all about her and her only. I have never done anything to this woman that made me deserve this attitude.

It’s strange to think that as much as we say we will never be like our parents, somehow their character and actions follow us forever, and manages to influence our lives for better or worse.

How is it possible that my friend and I were conscious of the toxicity that we wanted to avoid, but showed signs of repeating the many chapters of others? Karma? The universe playing games?

Don’t know, but I only hope that my friend doesn’t become her. That’s not much to wish for, isn’t it?



{August 10, 2015}   Looking Back 46 – Taking note

Life can be contradictory. On one hand, you’re told that no matter what, things will always change, because that’s how the universe works.

But on the other hand, certain changes do happen because other people, circumstances or forces make it happen. It may be so this way, but the ultimate person to complete the process is oneself. And if you don’t, it will always linger like a bad cold you’re trying to shake off.

Case in point, the beach guy reappeared again as he always does in the most awkward moment or inconvenient time for me.

It was a Thursday afternoon and I was having lunch downstairs, outside the office which I don’t do often. I was eating a sandwich at a Deli looking at the news on a TV monitor when he text me.

‘What are you doing?’ asked he. Note: no greeting was first mentioned.

It was one of those busy days at work that doesn’t seem to end and was not in the mood at that moment for anything, other than taking my break and eating. ‘Lunch’ is all I replied.

‘I’m here at –‘ said he. He was located at a city at least one county away.

‘Really? What for?’ replied I. Note: he was coming down my way, but didn’t bother to tell me in advanced.

‘Work. How far am I from you?’

‘Don’t know; a little over an hour depending on traffic?’ He asked me for my address to check the distance, to which he replied after researching, ’50 minutes’.

I knew why he was asking me that. He was probably contemplating if there would be an opportunity to meet. But honestly, with the day I was having, at that instant I wasn’t interested in that at all.

‘How long are you here for?’ asked I.

‘Probably tomorrow night.’

I don’t recall what I replied next, but I completely ignored his hints. I just thought that if he had wanted to see me he should make it happen. I definitely wasn’t in the mood for anything, even less the effort of going to him.

Here’s the thing: I had recently text him if he was coming to my area any time soon and he just said, ‘I don’t know.’ Or if I text him asking him what plans he had for the weekend, he always replied that he was busy, or had his kids, or some other excuse that translated to ‘I’m not interested’.

This has been a situation that has repeated many times over, so why should I react to his local area visit? Spoiler alert: I’m treating you the way you treat me, i.e., I’m not interested.

We stopped the text because he was on a meeting and my break was done.

I could have continued, but I still had my second part of the work day and knew it wasn’t going to be smooth.

I sat back at my desk and kept on working. But his presence gave me a bad aftertaste. It took me back to high school when he was always busy studying and barely dedicated any time to me.

I was always the one looking for him and he would have that look that he had more important things to take care of.

I tried really hard not to think much about his behavior, but after a while it felt like huge rejections that became painful.

I didn’t deserve it, but back then I didn’t know when it was time to step back and walk away, to know when to read the signs that this wasn’t healthy for me, that as much effort and chances one gives to people or situations, some of them will just simply never be.

And that is one hard pill to swallow.



Although I didn’t end up doing anything romantic for the weekend, I managed to have fun on my own way.

After the universe intervention inside the store, I spent the rest of the day relaxing at home. I cooked myself some dinner, called a few friends I was pending to do so for some time, and watched a movie on TV. Of course it was romantic, but watched it objectively and let myself dream about my own love future.

The next day (Monday) was a holiday, which made it even better. I rested well, had breakfast and later went to the hairdresser.

One thing I’ve practiced throughout the years is to always take care of myself and do things that help my self-esteem. Even more, it’s another way of expressing myself and continues developing my personality.

Back in the days of my past life, that guy or ‘X’ never liked what I did to my hair. Although I was the one wearing it, I had to get it done the way he wanted it. He would always say, ‘you have to please me’, to which I would reply, ‘and who is pleasing me?’

He would stare at me with a blank face because he was totally moronic and emotionally retarded, and the relationship was all about him. He didn’t care about my feelings or personality.

He wanted me to fulfill his expectations in their entirety and even if I did, it was never good enough. There was still another level that I needed to achieve to make him ‘happy’, which he never was.

So now after all these years on my own, being able to express a part of me is something very powerful. And it will stay as that with whomever comes into my life and wants to be with me.

I also wanted to go to the hairdresser because the weather forecasted cold days this coming week. This meant that if I didn’t take care of it today, I would had to wait for the weather to change again.

I got my hair done and a few days later it got pretty cold. I knew the beach guy disliked the cold weather because it wouldn’t allow him to go ‘topless’ in his car. He would get in a bad mood, so I decided to tease him and have fun with it.

‘Hey, how bad is the weather over there?’ text I.

‘I hate this weather!! Pretty chilly. My nipples are hard, but not all of me.’

‘Shrinkage?’

‘No problem in that department. How’s the weather for you down south? Any activity lately?’

How dare he?? Guess the joke is on me now. I didn’t answer right away, as I was overly upset and wanted to get my thoughts together before I said something very nasty.

‘Guess not?’ asked he.

‘Not answering that. That’s not for you to know.’

‘Right.’

Exactly right. What little emotions I had towards him had just turned cold. Maybe I should wait for the sunnier days to happen before I contact him again, if that.

Maybe that will warm up my heart and look at things differently. But for today, it’s all frozen.



It was still early in the morning the day after St. Valentine’s and had no plans or guy to spend it with.

So what’s a girl to do? Go shopping, of course!

Hey, it’s the most wonderful time to do that, considering there’s bargains for merchandise left over from the holidays. So I decided to go to a store close to me that I’ve been to before, which was advertising great markdowns.
I went straight to the back part where all the clearance items were. I liked what I was finding and listening to.

The in-store background music was all American as the store’s image is. The tunes sang about having good times, how much love a person had for their significant other; all with messages intended to make your shopping as pleasant as possible.

Heck, I was even singing the songs in my head. I got into such a really good mood, that not even the crowd at the store bothered me.

Next step was the dressing room. There was a line, but I didn’t have to wait that long, which was great.

I got inside one and was so immersed in trying out my clothes, that I became unaware of all other noise around me. That is, until something very strange happened.

A song with a Latin beat started playing. It got my attention because my mind was already tuned to songs in English, so it took me a few seconds to adjust to listening the lyrics in Spanish. What was even weirder was that of all times I’ve been to this store, I’ve never heard any songs in Spanish before.

I know I live in a very populated Hispanic community, but I know as a fact that many businesses hire the services of companies that provide background music. This means that the songs have been pre-selected, so you have no control of what is to be streamed.

As I continued listening to the song I realized I’ve heard this one before: <em>“Your love is yesterday’s newspaper that no one else cares to read about. I loved you, but now I don’t. You’re now part of my memory album.”

WTF?? Was this the universe talking straight at me? This is not exactly a love song, but more of a guy telling his significant other that he loved her at one time, but because she was ungrateful to him, he’s moving on and doesn’t want her in his life no more.

Ouch! That’s a big statement. It was pretty much what I lived with the beach guy, but in reverse, and it resonated heavily with me. It was almost as if this relationship had just been played out loud.

Then the song ended and the American ones continued. I was so baffled that I had to sit down in the dressing room to analyze what had just happened. I was still wearing the stuff I had picked out to try on.

Why did this happen, especially when I was alone, inside the dressing room? Maybe the universe altered the music in some way to let me know that yes, I did the right thing the night before.

Maybe if I had been on the store floor I would have missed the song. I needed to be there between those 4 walls to really get the message of what had happened then and now.

I stood up and looked at myself on the mirror. It was as if I was staring at another person; I felt different but in a good way.

That girl from the past was also yesterday’s news and just as the lyrics said, I just don’t want you any more.



I somehow managed to finally fall asleep. The weather was cooler than normal, so it was nice to be in bed resting.

I didn’t immediately get out of bed upon waking up. I knew well what had evolved the previous night: he wanted to drive all the way over here and show up (not exactly unannounced); better yet, surprise me on Valentine’s weekend.

You’re probably thinking why I didn’t go for it when I keep saying that I should get exposed to these type of situations.

As stupid as it may seem, I wasn’t up for it last night. Blame it on my comfy bed, me being tired, or perhaps that I had washed my hair and didn’t want to get it messed up.

It just gets to the point that if you know nothing else will evolve here, why put your time and emotions into it?

I know I could just do it for the fun of it and later remember the incident as one that made this particular weekend unique.

But as weird as this may sound, perhaps the real reason is that I unconsciously felt this would be a grown-up version of what happened during high school.

The memories are limited, but between what I’ve learned from his stories and the little I remember, the scenario is just the same: he’s into me, but not enough or interested to taking it further.

That I could have had a jolly, good time (and maybe more) is true. But at this point in my life, I’ve learned to do that with my girlfriends, but most importantly, on my own, without the need of having a guy next to me.

And then, at exactly 10:10am, the beach guy resurfaced.

‘Good morning. You know I would have driven there for the day,’ text he.

‘But you’re with your daughter.’

‘She’s 17 and her 18-year-old brother is here. They will be fine overnight or for the day. I could have even left late last night, but you were so stubborn about your address. I guess you didn’t get the hint.’

‘I fell asleep. And thought you couldn’t leave your kids home alone.’

‘The little one is out of state and the two I have with me are old enough to be alone.

‘You can still come here. I have off tomorrow.’

‘I have to work tomorrow and I’m not driving there just to be with you for a couple of hours.’

See what I mean? It felt just like the good old days. He would spend a few hours with me at the beach and off he went. The day would have evolved the same, minus the location.

I was sort of still questioning myself about my indifference, but not any more. You realize what I did? I rejected him!!

Wow! And maybe for the first time, the sand blew up to him and hit him hard on the face. Nice!

This is definitely one memory I’m surely not forgetting.



{February 23, 2015}   Looking Back 41 – Emotional trip

The long Valentine’s weekend came and I had no romantic plans for it. I know the whole thing is a cliché when you’re supposed to show your love and appreciation to your loved ones at all times.

Still, there were some instances where I had the thoughts that I’ve been single for quite a while, and only a few guys from past and present are worth rekindling on.

The weather had also turned quite cold, which felt like a correlation of how I saw my love life to be. But as in everything, it changes and one must adapt to it or succumb.

What I decided to do was to dedicate the weekend to myself, even if it meant doing totally unrelated ‘me time’ things like laundry. I wanted to rest as well, and even take advantage of store sales. The goal was doing things that made me feel good.

So I planned out my weekend: Saturday was for laundry and ironing; Sunday, supermarket, church, taking care of anything else; Monday, relax and hairdresser.

Saturday evolved as planned. Didn’t left my apartment the whole day, so I tried my best to enjoy it as best as I could in spite of not having an invite. I didn’t even mind the ironing when a good movie was on TV.

I made myself some dinner, showered and watched more TV in bed. My clean sheets felt great and nothing else mattered to me.

I was falling asleep closed to midnight when… I get a text from the beach guy.

‘Hey, happy valentine’s day. Hope you had a good day,’ wrote he.

‘Same to you. Stayed home doing laundry and I’m having a date with my bed.’

‘I was home all day as well. Spent the evening with my daughter who’s BF is out of town.’

‘At least you have company.’

‘You want me to visit you?’

‘That would be nice, but the distance is brutal.’

‘It is; what’s your address?’

‘What? You should have it stored in your GPS.’

‘Just trying to figure out the drive time silly. I have a new phone, new car, even new underwear.’

Whoa, whoa; hold your horses! This is just too much and I’m not talking about him trying to drive over here, and arriving at what time exactly?

And what about the new car and underwear? A new toy on top of all those you already have? Why? This sounds to me like you have a huge emotional void that just doesn’t get resolved.

If such is the case, then I should feel happy for myself. I think I have the material possessions that I need at the moment, and take care a lot of them until it’s time to part from them.

Honestly, I’m not liking the comment the more I think about it. The word ‘arrogance’ keeps circling my mind and it’s gaining momentum.

Then there’s the thing with the underwear. If we were back in high school, for sure I would be interested in looking at them with that great body you used to sport.

But now, no thank you. I think I can find more interesting ones to look at on the Internet, for free!

This all translates that if he comes here, I know I will get upset when I see the car. Fine, I know my insecurities will surface, so might as well put a stop to this ego trip before I get really upset.

What will I do about it? Nothing; I’ll just sleep over it.



{February 9, 2015}   Looking Back 39 – What the…

Don’t know what’s happening lately. But it’s been more than 5 years since I became single again, which means I’ve worked very hard to get over my ‘past life’ and ‘X’, and bring the new me into the world.

Those people close to me have told me how much I have evolved for the better, that I look good, and present myself as being at peace with myself, and managing well my current work and personal situations.

Given all that, why am I now having dreams with people I know will never, ever, become anything else than what they are now, like ‘the beach guy’?

One night I had this dream where he and I were together out on the town somewhere. I have these quick images of standing in front of a tree he had decorated with these pretty lights for me.

I did comment how pretyy his action had been and I was happy. There was other surprises he pulled off which made me feel very flattered and special.

Then we were inside a nice car (probably his) and then, he proposed!

But, no ring! I was even happier and probably said ‘yes’ because we both kissed. But it was a simple one like in the movies, nothing that would be too overdone.

When I woke up in the morning, it was a heavy mix of emotions. Don’t get me wrong; I do want to get married again, but with him??

And as romantic as any woman can be, of course I would like the proposal to be as beautiful as can be, even more so than the first time.

I started overanalyzing the dream and realized I should be laughing about it, even feeling good about it.

I’m over this guy and shouldn’t give up my real dream of finding true love. Got to think in the positive, always.

Hmm, wonder what he has to say about it.

‘OMG had a dream last night with you that we got engaged. I woke up with a feeling of WTF. My hormones are probably out of whack,’ text I.

‘LOL,’ replied he. ‘Sorry, I don’t think I’ll ever marry again.’

‘I’m not interested in marrying you to start with. But it was interesting the way you did the whole thing.’

‘Ahh. When I do something I usually do it right, whether it be a good or bad thing.’

‘I do want to get married again someday. So I guess I was just visualizing how it would happen. Why your face was in my dream is a mystery. Probably it was as you’re saying; you’re the only guy I know who would do it in a way that would be memorable. But, no ring!’

‘No ring? That’s strange.’

‘Yes, but overall was a colorful dream and there was even a kiss.’

‘That’s good. You really are a good person and attractive.’

‘So humbling of you to think that way of me after all these years considering I can be complicated at times.’

‘You’re not complicated, just looking for love and companionship. That’s what everyone wants.’

‘I guess, although some people don’t want to have a commitment, just party and have fun.’

‘Correct.’

Well, how about that? I wasn’t expecting him to say that about me. It actually made me feel very good.

I will say it was sort of a dream of mine to clear out all that happened between us to get some peace of mind, and I think that has been manifested in a nice subconscious way.

But the proposal part? Spare me! I propose to leave the situation as it is, give it a kiss of approval and keep dreaming on.



et cetera