The Ex-Friend 61 – You’re so vague

It has been many years since I have last wrote about Madeline, and that’s because it has been years since her and I have been friends.

If you read my past posts, after that time I spent new year’s with her and her family upstate, her behavior started shifting significantly.

I had noticed with her that she wasn’t quite at ease with her life in general. We would share things, laughs and challenging moments. But she wasn’t somebody to smile frequently or seemed to be content about anything related to her, even achievements. And considering she was always the one who would uplift or encourage me to be better and go after what I wanted.

My recollection is that after less than 2 years of being where she was living and working, she decided to quit her job just because. She didn’t had a new job offer, wasn’t that she was getting hitched and moving out of state, or any family situation that required her immediate attention.

I know that she had been wanting to resolve the issue of becoming baptized and a christian. From what she had told me, she was never inducted into the religion after birth and I saw that this deeply bothered her. It seems it didn’t make her feel complete as a person.

IMO, we should all resolve anything personal that’s impacting us negatively. But my question is, what does quitting your job has to do with it? Again, coming from a person who had worked very hard to get to where she is and being my constant motivator of getting my act together to move ahead, it felt contradictory of throwing away your career because of an unresolved issue.

She had even expressed at one point that she would have liked to be working for a company that had a program where you could take a year sabbatical to do humanitarian work abroad.

I mean, it’s great that you’re empathic to issues happening in the world, which is what religion teaches us, but couldn’t you just join a local church or do community work through it, for example? With her hard-work ethic, she could keep her job while doing volunteering, mentoring, etc., in her free time, even maybe with the support of her employer.

But why did it had to be away from the U.S.? What was “out there” that appealed to her so much? What was really going inside of her that had turned her world upside down? What is she running away from or running away to?

When I became single again, some people had asked me if I would consider relocating or even perhaps moving back home to the Caribbean as a way of having a fresh start in life. It was something I took into consideration, even traveling to different locations to see what they felt like. My reaction was that they didn’t impress me enough to make a change. I enjoyed my time on each place, but at the end of my trips, it was that feeling of “it’s time to go home”.

My thoughts at the time were, what is the point of rooting your entire existence to go somewhere “new” to find yourself living your “old” life all over again?

I mean, if I got offered an amazing job offer I couldn’t refuse, of course I would consider it. But moving away because of thinking this will solve my emotional problems or would give myself a second chance wasn’t doing it for me.

Add to that having no friends or family, even a significant other, to be by your side will not make it easier. If you think this is going to be like a movie or TV show where things will magically happen for the better, you’re dead wrong, and I knew it.

My reasoning was that I would be reacting cowardly and putting myself in a situation that would later regret. That my best decision was to stay put and deal with it. That if I were to leave it all behind it would be for the right reasons, not because of emotional turmoil.

Having said all of these, I do remember questioning Madeline when she told me about her job situation. To be honest, I don’t recall she giving me a valid reason for her decision. It was something vague that made no sense to me or that justified her intentions. There was no intellectual reasoning, no back-up plan, no future forecasting of what the consequences of her actions could be. It was just “I’m doing it and that’s it.”

Looking back I wished I would have been stronger with her. It was as if I had failed her. That when it was my turn to speak up and be her voice of reason, I let her get away without a fight. But her decision had been made. It was then when it dawned on me: this was the start of the end of a beautiful friendship.

The Ex-Friend 16 – Everything in its place

We went home after eating and I was nervous of what he would think of my apartment. I gave him a 5-minute preview of the complex from the parking lot before going upstairs.

“This is very nice!” said he while looking around the exterior of the building and inside my place. It gave me a sense of relief since his opinion greatly mattered to me.

“Are you nervous about me being here?” asked he.

“Yes, I think it has always been me visiting you in the past. It’s awkward now being single you coming back into my world in the real. I sort of lost sense of how that felt, among other things in my life,” said I.

“I will say that your apartment looks clean and organized; everything is in its place. That’s how I remember you for and I’m glad that you’re still that way,” continued he.

I looked around and wondered why my emotions were not all in the right place. I remembered at the beginning of being single how I cleaned all the time, things had to be done in a certain way, and having people over made me very nervous.

I was just trying to find an order among the chaos of the divorce, finally doing the things my way without any person telling me how or being negatively criticized, and didn’t want to let people into my space for fear they would ‘disorganize’ it again.

Now I wasn’t as strict about the cleaning, but was keeping it up because it was important for my overall wellbeing. I was doing it for myself, not for other people’s approval.

Having people over though is still a test of how I handle others, even though it is just him, someone I’ve know for so long, or so I thought.

I organized my sofa for my friend to sleep at, explained where the water heater would be set on and off, where the spare keys were, etc., since I had to go to work the next day.

He was organizing his things in his suitcase when I excused myself for the night.

“Are you sleeping by yourself?” asked he. I looked at him startled. “Can’t believe you’re not sharing your bed with any one.”

I don’t recall if I said anything, but definitely turned down his offer. I got into my room and locked the door without making noise and made sure it was closed correctly.

He had told me many times before that ‘he and I would make a good team. That we had known each other forever, our parents as well, etc.; that there wouldn’t be a reason why it wouldn’t work out between us.’

But there were plenty of reasons from my end. For starters I had never been physically attracted to him, even less now.

Second, his constant moving because of work isn’t appealing to me and he knew it. I need stability, not following somebody everywhere or having a life determined by him that I have not control of.

Third, I was on my own because I haven’t found the right guy yet to share that small bed I have, and I wanted to do that with someone that I’m in love and in a relationship with. Going for a quickie or one-night stand isn’t for me, as much as one may physically need it. I have to aim for what makes me happy, period.

Lastly, he’s still communicating with that bitch, so it’s not entirely over between them in spite he saying otherwise.

I went to sleep and at times looked at my door. I was wondering if he would try to come to my room, but I trusted he wouldn’t and he didn’t.

Then I started thinking about his proposal. What if I’m still single because he’s the one meant for me? Is this what the universe is trying to tell me and I’m not getting the message?

Actually, I am getting the message and it’s the same one I’ve been receiving as before as it relates to him, which is ‘don’t do it’.

In other words, what I am feeling towards you is: I ain’t feeling it.

The Ex-Friend 14 – Crossing over

My birthday is close to a long weekend and now that my then friend was single again, what a better opportunity there was but for him to fly here and drive upstate together and be with both his mom and me?

When I told him that it would be a great gift for me, he said he had thought about it, but didn’t ask me as to not come across the wrong way.

Although it had been a while since his separation, he was still struggling to overcome the experience, and had even made attempts both near and far for the bitch to resolve issues he felt she needed to.

He was desperately trying to give the relationship another ending and even considered going back with her, even in the distance, but according to him, she abruptly refused to change her ways, even less for him.

He always said that whenever he tried making sense into her, she would totally get angry, with a demeanor of having ‘both of her fists held up high, ready to fight him.’

He kept insisting that she was the one with the problems that greatly needed ‘psychological and religious help’, otherwise he felt life was not going to go well for her.

It was around this time that my friend started ‘slipping’, meaning an emotional breakdown of not accepting that others don’t have to do as you say even if supposedly it’s the best for them, or think that because you’ve gone through certain experiences it makes you an ‘expert’.

At one point he told me that I needed psychological help because I still had lingering issues from my divorce. When I told him I had done that in the past and was not interested in going back to that, he got upset. He was talking to me as if I didn’t know myself or what was best for me. Yes, he may have known me from an early age, but has also been absent from my life a good chunk of years.

He got even more upset when I told him he was no expert, especially on medical things, even though his father had been a pharmacist. Even his tone of voice started changing to one that started to bother me.

He also thought being actively religious was also guaranteed to solve any problems, even changing people’s sexual preference. I knew from early on he didn’t favor certain kinds of people (whom he referred to as ‘abnormal’), but thought he had overcome that stage.

Boy was I wrong. Even I slight mention about it made him react with hatred and disgust. It was like watching a werewolf movie where the beast kills everything on site.

Worst thing was he wanted everyone else to change, but not him. And this was something I have lived all too well in my life with others around me and I was in no position to do this again, even for him.

When I told him that ‘religion wasn’t for everyone’, he nearly lost it. Thank goodness he wasn’t in front of me; I would have probably stabbed him to defend myself.

I consider myself spiritual and have been attending church on my own terms, but embracing your faith is no easy task in my opinion. It takes more than spending 4 hours daily praying on your knees until they peel, or being part of prayer groups, etc., like he was doing.

They mystical question is, what happened to him? Let’s say his nasty separation hit him harder than the nails on the cross, one that he built himself and expected others to carry along with him.

And because I didn’t took his path, a year or so later he ‘buried’ me and I chose to say ‘you’re dead to me’, better yet, me wish for him to ‘rot in hell’.

Looking Back 41 – Emotional trip

The long Valentine’s weekend came and I had no romantic plans for it. I know the whole thing is a cliché when you’re supposed to show your love and appreciation to your loved ones at all times.

Still, there were some instances where I had the thoughts that I’ve been single for quite a while, and only a few guys from past and present are worth rekindling on.

The weather had also turned quite cold, which felt like a correlation of how I saw my love life to be. But as in everything, it changes and one must adapt to it or succumb.

What I decided to do was to dedicate the weekend to myself, even if it meant doing totally unrelated ‘me time’ things like laundry. I wanted to rest as well, and even take advantage of store sales. The goal was doing things that made me feel good.

So I planned out my weekend: Saturday was for laundry and ironing; Sunday, supermarket, church, taking care of anything else; Monday, relax and hairdresser.

Saturday evolved as planned. Didn’t left my apartment the whole day, so I tried my best to enjoy it as best as I could in spite of not having an invite. I didn’t even mind the ironing when a good movie was on TV.

I made myself some dinner, showered and watched more TV in bed. My clean sheets felt great and nothing else mattered to me.

I was falling asleep closed to midnight when… I get a text from the beach guy.

‘Hey, happy valentine’s day. Hope you had a good day,’ wrote he.

‘Same to you. Stayed home doing laundry and I’m having a date with my bed.’

‘I was home all day as well. Spent the evening with my daughter who’s BF is out of town.’

‘At least you have company.’

‘You want me to visit you?’

‘That would be nice, but the distance is brutal.’

‘It is; what’s your address?’

‘What? You should have it stored in your GPS.’

‘Just trying to figure out the drive time silly. I have a new phone, new car, even new underwear.’

Whoa, whoa; hold your horses! This is just too much and I’m not talking about him trying to drive over here, and arriving at what time exactly?

And what about the new car and underwear? A new toy on top of all those you already have? Why? This sounds to me like you have a huge emotional void that just doesn’t get resolved.

If such is the case, then I should feel happy for myself. I think I have the material possessions that I need at the moment, and take care a lot of them until it’s time to part from them.

Honestly, I’m not liking the comment the more I think about it. The word ‘arrogance’ keeps circling my mind and it’s gaining momentum.

Then there’s the thing with the underwear. If we were back in high school, for sure I would be interested in looking at them with that great body you used to sport.

But now, no thank you. I think I can find more interesting ones to look at on the Internet, for free!

This all translates that if he comes here, I know I will get upset when I see the car. Fine, I know my insecurities will surface, so might as well put a stop to this ego trip before I get really upset.

What will I do about it? Nothing; I’ll just sleep over it.

Looking Back 39 – What the…

Don’t know what’s happening lately. But it’s been more than 5 years since I became single again, which means I’ve worked very hard to get over my ‘past life’ and ‘X’, and bring the new me into the world.

Those people close to me have told me how much I have evolved for the better, that I look good, and present myself as being at peace with myself, and managing well my current work and personal situations.

Given all that, why am I now having dreams with people I know will never, ever, become anything else than what they are now, like ‘the beach guy’?

One night I had this dream where he and I were together out on the town somewhere. I have these quick images of standing in front of a tree he had decorated with these pretty lights for me.

I did comment how pretyy his action had been and I was happy. There was other surprises he pulled off which made me feel very flattered and special.

Then we were inside a nice car (probably his) and then, he proposed!

But, no ring! I was even happier and probably said ‘yes’ because we both kissed. But it was a simple one like in the movies, nothing that would be too overdone.

When I woke up in the morning, it was a heavy mix of emotions. Don’t get me wrong; I do want to get married again, but with him??

And as romantic as any woman can be, of course I would like the proposal to be as beautiful as can be, even more so than the first time.

I started overanalyzing the dream and realized I should be laughing about it, even feeling good about it.

I’m over this guy and shouldn’t give up my real dream of finding true love. Got to think in the positive, always.

Hmm, wonder what he has to say about it.

‘OMG had a dream last night with you that we got engaged. I woke up with a feeling of WTF. My hormones are probably out of whack,’ text I.

‘LOL,’ replied he. ‘Sorry, I don’t think I’ll ever marry again.’

‘I’m not interested in marrying you to start with. But it was interesting the way you did the whole thing.’

‘Ahh. When I do something I usually do it right, whether it be a good or bad thing.’

‘I do want to get married again someday. So I guess I was just visualizing how it would happen. Why your face was in my dream is a mystery. Probably it was as you’re saying; you’re the only guy I know who would do it in a way that would be memorable. But, no ring!’

‘No ring? That’s strange.’

‘Yes, but overall was a colorful dream and there was even a kiss.’

‘That’s good. You really are a good person and attractive.’

‘So humbling of you to think that way of me after all these years considering I can be complicated at times.’

‘You’re not complicated, just looking for love and companionship. That’s what everyone wants.’

‘I guess, although some people don’t want to have a commitment, just party and have fun.’

‘Correct.’

Well, how about that? I wasn’t expecting him to say that about me. It actually made me feel very good.

I will say it was sort of a dream of mine to clear out all that happened between us to get some peace of mind, and I think that has been manifested in a nice subconscious way.

But the proposal part? Spare me! I propose to leave the situation as it is, give it a kiss of approval and keep dreaming on.

Putting Yourself Online 35 – In the midnight hour

The days went by and no sign of Ivan. To be honest, I was caught up with finishing the work year and looking forward to the vacation days that I forgot about him. It had been hectic at work and really needed some ‘me’ time. I just wanted to enjoy the holidays and end the year in a good note.

It wasn’t until New Year’s Eve that he resurfaced just as he said he would.

“Hey, I’m back in town and my sibling is visiting. What are you doing tonight?” text he.

I was surprised he actually contacted me, but even more that he invited me to celebrate this day with a family member.

“I actually have plans for tonight. But would love to meet up with you and your sibling some other time, perhaps tomorrow?” answered I.

He didn’t reply to my text. I was getting ready for the night, but also nervous that perhaps I was missing on an opportunity to see him, so I text him again.

“Maybe we could meet later after midnight?” text I.

Why not? I am the one complaining that nothing happens with guys and that my social life needs to improve. So then let’s do something really out of the norm for me. These moments happen rarely and this day only once a year.

No reply. Guess he was expecting another answer? Now what? Switch to ‘desperate mode’ and call him.

But, he went back to his old self: no answer. I left a voice message summarizing what I wrote, that would love to get together with him and other person, either tonight, tomorrow or whenever convenient for him, and to please call me back.

Of course, that didn’t happen. I got somewhat upset, but quickly put it aside. This end of the year, I wasn’t allowing any guy to make me feel guilty about anything.

It has really been many difficult years, but slowly and surely, I’ve grown personally and spiritually to levels it has taken me plenty of effort to achieve. And I just wanted the next year to be better than before.

That I’ve hadn’t had a guy next to me at midnight ever since being single? True, but I know it won’t be forever.

Some people have come and gone and I have lived through the best and worst. May still not have a clue about the future and how I will get there.

But I am here still and at peace with myself, and tonight this is all that matters to me.

Putting Yourself Online 29 – Funk it!

It’s been a while since I last spoke with Ivan, so I decided to give him a call.

I know it’s basically a waste of time with him. He’s another one of those whom I call and never answers it, no matter what time I do.

Most of the time he eventually calls back, but when he does, he’s either in a relationship or out of it, swearing to me he doesn’t want to be with anyone, period.

He always says he will call me to have a drink, just as friends, which he has been telling me since forever.
Reality is he stays single for a while, but when he starts feeling alone, he gets involved with someone, even when knowing he’s not ready for it.

Then the relationship gets really complicated, like cheating, nasty break-ups, reconciliations, more break-ups, and so on until it finally ends worst than the sinking of the Titanic.

Yep, he’s one of those people that are attracted to melodrama and disfunctionality. Hey, I may have been full of that at another time in my life, but if we had gotten involved romantically, I’m sure it would have progressed in a more civilized manner.

The other sad part about him is that I’ve offered my friendship to him repeatedly, but he doesn’t take it.

He’s the type of person that surrounds itself with bad vibe that doesn’t allow him to get beyond that negative funk he’s stuck at. It’s like he actually enjoys being in that mode.

Again, my life is not any better than many, but it sure is way more than his, that is, emotionally. And I bet you I’m one of the few, maybe the only, who is willing to be a true companion to him with no expectations.

Even sadder, I think he’s genuinely a good person and deserves better. But this is how he’s handling his romances when he knows damn well they’re a disaster and needs to correct this behavior.

I won’t deny feeling sorry for him, but when I compare his relationships to my current state of affairs (or lack of thereof), I actually feel good about myself.

I do get frustrated for not having a relationship all these past years and that most guys met have been almost not worth my efforts, but I’ve certainly evolved (a lot!), and feel closer every day of reaching that much needed maturity that will allow me to have a successful relationship.

It has been a crazy ride, but the final destination doesn’t feel that distant away any longer.

Looking Back 28 – Inside the box

The holidays continued and my time got invested on work and coming to terms that the year was quickly about to end.

It had been a difficult and disappointing 12 months. Like previous years, I try to end and start each one with the best face possible.

I try to present to others that I am fine and I’m doing my best to keep going forward with my life. But my reality is way different.

I can’t stop thinking that it has been quite a few years since I became single and feel I’m still stuck on the same place. Both my professional and love life has not improved, and in spite of the efforts to change them, it just doesn’t happen.

If I can summarize it in one word, it would be ‘frustrating’, like the way the ‘beach guy’ makes me feel.

And talking about frustration, I got a reply to one of my messages, which I don’t recalled what I was writing about.

‘My life is not my own. I try not to be next to my phone at all times’.

What the heck are you talking about? You are responsible for your life and that of others. If you’re putting yourself second, maybe, but it doesn’t sound like you.

I know he’s no longer that teenager I once knew. But you don’t get to where he is, personally and professionally, without having a certain level of selfishness.

I’m not talking about a negative attitude or behavior, but how you will manage to get to your goals.

And that thing that you try to be away from your phone, who does that nowadays? Besides, you’re a doctor and I’m sure you’re always ‘on call’; so being unavailable is not an option.

You probably are to everyone except me, which is no surprise, because that’s how guys have pretty much behaved with me.

Oh, boy. Why are the things I wished could be gifted to me can’t be placed in a box?

Looking Back 9 – Sounds like a master plan

“I appreciate that you were not of those guys who took advantage of me. You never lead me to do anything I wasn’t prepared for considering how young I was,” said I. “You’re right, I shouldn’t be surprised about the good things you’ve said about me. I’ve been reconnecting with other people from high school and college, and all pretty much has expressed the same. It’s unfortunate that the person I gave my heart to never saw it.

So, yes, that’s what I’m frustrated about. My life has not turned out how I wanted it be since being single, but what can you do about it?

Thanks for writing back and being concerned about me. Remembering the past has been good medicine.”

“I am glad to hear that I’ve managed to make you feel better. And, please, stop with the ‘I ignored you’ thing. That’s a bit of a strong statement,” said he. “I’m sorry that the relationship didn’t work out the way you wanted it to be, but there’s a master plan and I guess it was not meant to be.”

A master plan? I thought I had that one figured out. Now I don’t even know what I’m doing next.

“Master plan? Seriously? You guys are too complicated to figure out,” continued I. “It’s simple; you either want to be with me or not. And just be straightforward and say what you mean.”

“You think we’re complicated? Hmmm.”

Ah, yeah. And now that I’m thinking about it, you were too. If you hadn’t been I wouldn’t be spilling out all that I’m saying here. Heck, most probably we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Like I’ve said before, life just keeps repeating to me.

Wait! Is this the master plan he’s talking about?

Am I supposed to deal with things over and over until I get it right, and then my life will finally fall into place?

Hmmm, maybe that’s what it is.