The New M.E. Generation

I was happy to be meeting up with Madeline and her family, especially during the holidays when single people tend to feel the loneliest. She was also single and had been very supportive during my post divorce. She was in essence the female version of my high school friend.

I remember the weather that year was really bad with heavy rain and the temperature dropped to the low 20’s. I still wasn’t technologically up to date, meaning didn’t have a smarthphone or GPS.

Both of them had one in their car and have used it successfully for years. Madeline told me to get one and make the trip; he said that if the weather was that bad, a woman like me driving by herself would be concerning to him, even if I had the device.

They both agreed that it would be a good purchase to make, as they felt that it would not only be useful to have, but would open my outlook into taking other trips in the future.

Ultimate the weather became the decisive factor, so I chose to fly instead. As simple as this road trip sounded, I was still too afraid to take risks at this stage.

Still, the temperature made me remember being in college, ending the semester, flying home for the holidays, arriving at a warm weather, and seeing my friend.

But as much as I was happy to be with Madeline and grateful for her invitation, I still felt displaced. I was still recovering from my divorce, trying to regain my sense of self, plus figure out what I was to do with my life. At least being around people who appreciated me gave me some sense of belonging for a few days.

I was also thinking about my friend. His mother underwent surgery and he spent many days in the hospital with her and later at home. Me in the distance could only provide support. His birthday happened during those days and he was more than pleased to have the gift that his mother would most likely have a full recovery.

It also started to daunt on me how loved one could be gone quickly, how oneself with age start facing calamities, how we are able (or not) to handle situations we always knew would happen, but not really ready for when they do.

In essence it was a question of how long will those important people remain with us, will they still be there near or far when the bad really happens, and if they’re gone either in life or death, how are we to cope with their departure?

It was a reality I had already seen: as much as you want to have certain people in your life or try to make things work in a certain way, like the song says, “baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough.”

Yep, that’s how it’s sang.

{October 14, 2013}   Looking Back 15 – Kiss and tell

‘If you ever feel like talking, I’m here for you,’ wrote I.

‘I’m done dealing with my current relationship. I rather talk with you about the old days. I remember you being an awesome kisser,’ said he.

‘An awesome kisser?’ I do remember that one time when he took me for the ride on his car. But saying that I was ‘awesome’ is a major word.

‘Thanks for the complement, but I have a vague memory about that. My memories of you and I interacting are at the beach and at a distance in school,’ continued I.

‘You don’t remember a lot do you?’ asked he. ‘You and I go way back. Actually, I looked forward to seeing you in school.’

‘Maybe you and I had something going on since being teenagers, but we really didn’t have anything together. I don’t even know how to define it.’

I kept thinking about the kissing and what really happened between us. If it was that great, why didn’t it continue or he kept some sort of contact after graduating? It’s a mystery I still haven’t figured out.

I continued writing, giving all details that I had about that infamous car ride. While at it, I questioned myself why I was doing this and if he would care at all about what I had to say.

‘I remember that very well. I like chatting with you.’

‘Like I said; if you ever want to talk, let me know. Better yet, let’s have a talk over a drink, that is, if we ever get to see each other again.’

‘Thanks; you’re very sweet. Of course we’ll see each other. Don’t know when because of the distance and all the things going with work, kids, etc.’

Here we go again. Why is that all guys I meet are complicated? When am I ever getting a break?

Shortly after this dream occurred, I received a new email from another guy from school. He saw my photo and name under my education profile in another social site (not the alumni one) and recognized me.

OMG! I do remember this guy and can’t believe he did for me. We only attended one class in the whole four years of school. But it’s interesting to think that I do remember where he sat and he was the only person I made friends with or recall from that class.

I mean, from such a big class being the only person to have a recollection of. How does that happen? Probably did because he would write for the college paper and would always criticize some situation in school negatively.

Like the one time he wrote that the juice from the cafeteria machine wasn’t cool enough to drink. It was as warm as…(you figure it out). I crossed him one time on campus and told him that if he was to write negatively, to please provide some constructive criticism or solutions.

After the class was completed, we kept bumping with each other from time to time in different school events and activities, until school was over, never to know anything from each other, until now. Wow, quite a lot that I remembered.


Over the next couple of months Alex and I kept seeing each other, but not all the time. He would have the kids every other weekend and would totally dedicate his time to them.

I also learned that he had decided to take the medicine board examinations to get his license here in the US. He wasn’t planning on being a doctor again, but rather use the license as a means to get a more competitive and better paying job.

The three tests are administered yearly, with duration of 8 hours each. He had already started studying for them on his own and was going to take them during the upcoming year.

I told him that I thought this was very remarkable and I knew he would successfully pass each one. I also like people who always wanted to better themselves or go after new goals in life.

Eventually I got to meet his children and had the opportunity to see how good a father he was, as well as the kind of relationship he had with them. His kids also had a good relationship with each other and seemed well adjusted to their current parents’ situation.

All this was very good for me to witness. Considering I will probably end up with a divorced man with children, knowing how good or bad the relationship between the two parts is could be a deal breaker.

The only thing I was slightly uncomfortable about was that I felt some distance from him when we were all together. I know that he has been the first guy I’ve dated which the children were present. And the fact that I have none also makes me feel somewhat awkward, as I feel at times I don’t know what to do or say when I’m around them.

But, tonight, he is looking at me differently. After watching a movie at the theater, we all headed to get a slice of pizza. We all sat together at a booth, him and me together on one side.

I noticed that he was smiling a lot and would look at me from time to time right into my eyes. He was obviously happy and I was trying to figure out why. Strange, I believe this is the first time I have seen him smile. This is quite unusual.

Hmm, maybe he has come to a point in his life that he has learned to enjoy simple moments like this. Or maybe he’s looking forward to accomplishing all his goals and making his life even better than what it is right now.

Whatever it might be I’m happy for him, and hope it stays that way because he deserves it.

Alex gave me his phone number and let it up to me to make the first call whenever I felt I was ready to, which I preferred. In the past I have been the one who gave out the number, and the guys would either call me right away, or never called at all.

Either way, it was irritating to me, but probably the second one is worst. With the first you know they’re interesting (in whatever level that may be), but calling right away might also make them look desperate (or extremely horny). Not making the call makes them look like total jackasses. If you are not interested, why ask for the number? I mean, couldn’t you figure that out beforehand?

So, when am I making the call? Hmm, now I’m freaking out. Don’t know why, all is going the way I’ve wanted to. Is it ‘the voice thing’ or maybe the fact that I finally met a guy who has a lot of potential?

All I can say is that I’m very nervous. I haven’t had a relationship with a guy since my separation. I don’t know how it feels to have a relationship any more, to have a man I can call my own. And I still haven’t learned what I am supposed to do if that ever happened again.

I am afraid to make the call because I feel I will handle it all wrong. I am scared to give myself the chance to open my heart to someone else and experience something I used to know how good it felt.

Here’s what happened. What I meant by ‘hooking up’ is that I let Ricky into my life right from the start. Meaning he started hanging out in my apartment all the time because I allowed that to happen.

Don’t get me wrong. It was great, at the beginning, when everything feels good, before you start discovering the things that make you different from the other person. Or putted in better words, before the things that irritate you start coming out.

On top of that, I made the biggest mistake of them all: I developed feelings for him before I got to know him as a person, to at least figure out if it was worth keeping him as a friend, or figure out if he was good enough material to possibly go beyond that.

In other words, I should have not gotten emotionally involved with Ricky in any way.

I spent so much time with him that I even helped him move out into a new place and offered to ‘take care’ of an artwork he was going to put away temporarily. (Between you and me, I think it looks better in my place.)

But although Ricky and I were ‘together’ he didn’t see it that we were actually ‘together.’ How so? Not even once did he invite me to meet his family or visit his home. He referred me to his mom as just ‘a friend.’

Sounds confusing? It was, sort of. But that’s what happens when your emotions take over your head and don’t allow you to see clearly.

And the reality was right there, loud and clear, which was that it was over before it even started, if that.

This guy introduced himself as Stephan. By his accent I could tell he was Latino, which is a minus. Dina is Latina, but for some unknown reason, Latinos are not her first choice for men.

I could tell that she was slowly but surely loosing interest in this guy, so I stepped in the conversation to try to give this guy a break with her.

“So, what are you girls up to tonight?” asked he.

“Nothing much,” I answered. “Hanging out here for food and drinks. But we’re pretty much wrapped up ‘cause she wants to go home.”

“Go home already?? It’s still early!” said he.

“Blame it on her,” said I while pointing to Dina. “I just tagged along for the night.”

Stephan gave Dina a surprised look and she had one of somewhat being embarrassed.

I interfered in the conversation yet again and asked him what he did for a living, with the hope that the conversation would survive.

“I’m involved in different things. But I primarily work 24 hours and have off 24 hours,” explained he.

“OMG!! You’re a firefighter!” said I.

“Yeah, how did you figure that out?” asked he.

“Because I know someone that is one too,” answered I.

“Really? Who?”

“Does the name Brian ring a bell?”

“Of course I do. That guy and I are colleagues. We work together at the same station.”

Oh my, the surfer dude. (Please refer to ‘You Can Be My Hero’ story.)

The one I thought I’d never see again. The one Madeline convinced me to track down and find, and re-ignited my adventurous side. The one that…

Hmm, do I need to re-visit that experience and emotions?

Honestly, I’m not feeling it.

et cetera