Another Cougar Moment – Sorry, I’m not available at this time

I kept on with my day and sometime late in the afternoon, like around 5pm, I text Jesse back.

‘Hey sorry, still not all done. You must be gone by now. (translation: hopefully you’re far away)

‘Leaving tomorrow.’ (oh, my) Next translation: I still need to be unavailable.

Reality was, I had spent part of the day with a girlfriend and was having a good time. It was a Sunday and was trying to make the best of the weekend before it was all over.

But I also like to get home at a descent time and get ready for work the next day. And when I get on that mode, I’m not really into having people around or even getting late to bed.

It was funny though that after a few more messages, Jesse asked, ‘Are you with a guy?’

Damn, I wish. Yes, I was with someone else, but of another kind. It was like he sensed I was not entirely alone.

I don’t know where Jesse was or what he was doing, but after some more questions from his behalf, I simply replied, ‘It’s complicated.’

I didn’t answer his question either or. It all meant I’m still a control freak, someone who has a schedule, for better or worse, to hopefully have her life organized.

Is there some space for someone new? At this present time, yes, I believe I do, especially one that’s not as complicated as this one.

Another cougar moment 15 – Taking the bull

Sometime in the afternoon I get another text message.

‘I’m in town. Wanted to say hello to the most beautiful girl in town.’

‘Who is this Jesse?’

‘YeAh’ (Yeah or ‘yehaa’. Oh no, I have a feeling he’s going to say he wants to see me.

‘How long are you in town for?’

‘Leaving later today unfortunately.’ (Now it’s my turn: yehaa!)

(Hold your horses) ‘After I see you’ texted he.

Instead of getting a bombed dropped on me, I felt instead that I got lassoed. So, how do I take the bull by the horns or, better yet, untangle from this situation?

‘Not at home right now. What time is your flight?’

‘I drove.’ (this sounds so spring break.) ‘I can leave whenever.’

I felt the bull was headed straight at me. ‘I will call you later; not at home.’

‘I would really like to see you.’

No, not again. I mean, I was really not at home and was not going to stop what I was doing to accommodate him, and then he decides to show up at the wee hours of the morning? Forget that!

This is what I’ll do. Later on in the day I will text him back, when he has already left. (I would imagine he would leave at a descent time before dark.) Then he will say he’s already gone, and I will be ‘saved’ instead of turning him down again. (Good enough.)

Besides, even if I had all the time in the world, I don’t think it’s worth the effort to see him. It’s done, over with. He needs to go back home and continue his life.

Hopefully he won’t call, especially while driving, and at a time that’s not 3am.

Another Cougar Moment 13 – One more time

Jesse disappeared for some time, again, and he surfaced with a text message yet again, during a long weekend (one more time, again).

‘Hey where are you?’ said his text.

‘Not in the area for today. Why?’

‘I was hoping to see you before I left.’

‘For the weekend?’

‘No, I’m going back home. I only came to work here for 6 months.’

Six months? Has it been that long since I met him?

It was sort of sad that he was leaving town, but also relieved that this was the end of it (the texting and anything else that could have happened).

I responded to him that I regretted him going, but wished him the best.

Did I mention to him to ‘keep in touch’? I don’t remember.

Oh, well, another guy come and gone. Or, was it? I mean, nothing significant really happened besides there been a drastic age difference. And I can’t deny that it was flattering from someone his age to tell you how pretty you were.

So what do I take from all this? Simple; I need to keep it up, put myself out there and never loose hope that the next one might just be ‘the one’.

Another Cougar Moment 12 – Electronic re-run

Jesse did disappear from the radar. Whatever the reasons he did so were unimportant to me. I was actually relieved that most probably I wouldn’t speak to him again…sort of.

Some months later he sent me a text. It was a long weekend and he was hanging out with some friends, but still wanted to see me.

This sounded like a re-run of the previous incident. Although it was much earlier in the day and seemed like there was no pizza involved, he again mentioned he wanted to come over my place.

And when does he think he will do that, at 3am?

I wasn’t feeling it nor I thought it would be a good idea to give him a second chance, so I replied by telling him to enjoy the day with his friends.

In other words, sorry, I’m not available.

Jesse didn’t reply again or called me. I was glad it happened that way, even more that I did what I did.

After all, what’s your interest of seeing me when you’re having fun with others?

Like the younger crowd says nowadays, ‘whatever.’

Another Cougar Moment 11 – Stop calling me…

I woke up the next day feeling very upset about what happened last night. For being just 23, he was surely a handful, and definitely one I didn’t want to be associated with this way.

I took my time to wake up and do what I usually do on weekends. I needed to go through my routine before I called him. I had to calm down or otherwise I would knock him hard over the phone line.

I only needed to tell him that I was very upset for him naming me a bitch, and for repeatedly calling when I didn’t wanted to talk to him.

He will probably not answer the phone, but I will still leave him a message. To my surprise, he did pick up my call.

“Hey, what’s up?” said I in a ‘we need to talk’ mode. His tone of voice was more of, ‘am I in trouble?’ and of not totally sure what the nature of my call was.

“You know,” said I, “you were very rude for calling me a bitch last night.”

“I said that to you? I don’t recall; sorry.”

“Obviously, especially when you kept calling me and I wouldn’t pick up my phone.”

“Again, sorry. I hope I can make it up to you.”

“For now, let’s keep it this way. It’s going to take me some time to get pass this.”

Reality is, I don’t know if I want to get pass this. Dealing with a twenty-something who’s behaving more like 13 doesn’t interest me at all.

Maybe he’ll feel so bad today that he will realize it’s better just to leave me alone. It’s the best grown-up thing he could do.

Another Cougar Moment 10 – Getting the message

I was deeply asleep when my cell phone started to buzz. It was on a weekend and I, not knowing what day it was, automatically reacted as if it was the alarm.

I kept pressing on it trying to turn it off, when it was really the phone ringing.

It stopped and I went back to sleep. A few minutes later, it buzzed again. This time I was awakened and could only think something terrible had happened to a loved one.

I answered anyway, even though I didn’t looked at the caller’s ID.

“Hey, it’s me, Jesse!”

‘What??’ I thought to myself. I opened my eyes and saw it was 3am. (WTF??)

“What the heck are you doing calling me at this time??” asked I.

“My friends and I just left a bar and we’re getting some pizza. I want to come over your place and bring you some.”

He sounded somewhat incoherent, which means he probably had one drink too many and not in full control of himself.

“Listen,” said I, “stay with your friends, enjoy the pizza; I’m not letting you in my apartment, even less at this time.”

“What? Bitch! I’m going over your place!”

(Say what??) “You can do whatever you want. Even if you climbed walls, I still wouldn’t let you in. And, you called me a bitch!!”

I hanged up on him and he called back several times, but I kept pressing the reject button so the calls would go directly to voice mail.

He stopped calling when he got ‘the message’ that I was not answering the phone any more.

What a jerk this guy turned out to be! I may have not answered the last calls, but I will surely do so later when I really communicate my bitchy side to him.

Another cougar moment 9 – More than words

I didn’t give Jesse much thought after my conversation with Madelyn. It is what it is and I don’t need to let things give me any more anxiety than they already have.

Besides, I was clear on this one. I took his number down, so I was in charge of what would happen next.

So, I did it my way; I waited a few weeks to go by and decided to text him. Yes, texting. I thought I should try something new besides a phone call.

And, because it was my first time doing so, I couldn’t wait to learn how he would react.

(My text): ‘I told you I would get in touch with you.’

‘Sorry, I don’t recognize this number,’ replied he.

‘Can’t believe you don’t remember me!’

‘Still don’t know who you are.’

‘That’s because of all the girls you probably hit on the night you tried to pick me up.’

He still was not getting who it was until a few more messages later. The interesting thing was that the phone never got involved throughout the entire time. Even more, when Jesse finally realized it was I, his tone changed.

Although he was at work, he was able to easily put into a few words what his impression was of me.

He had to keep it down, and I meant the words, in case he got caught, like someone taking a look at this phone (or maybe his pants).

The texting didn’t end up on anything. He was busy so we just finished the ‘exchange of words’ with some ‘TTUL’.

I was laughing at how it all turned out. Best of all, he didn’t chase me again into seeing me or anything else.

Hopefully he got satisfied and will perhaps look for someone more his age who will go for his pick-up lines…or so I thought.

Another Cougar Moment 8 – Doing it for me

Madelyn felt my sense of frustration over the phone. What started as a fun conversation turned into a sad one. I even felt like crying.

“Emma, please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve gone through such a difficult period in your life and need to give yourself some time.”

“But it’s been like three years already and I feel I’m in a rut as it regards to love. It’s just not happening to me.”

“You’ve regained so much for yourself, and you’re summarizing your current life as ‘incomplete’ because you don’t have a guy?

Maybe what’s happening to you is that you’re still not ready for the real thing and life is throwing tests at you so you see for yourself where you’re standing. And Jesse was one. I mean, don’t tell me you have an interest in him? (I don’t answer and Madelyn gets upset with me.)

You know damn well that if you get involved with him it will be to repeat what you’ve done before and for the wrong reasons. If you do, I will personally go to your place and slap you until you get it.

I think you need to be alone for a good while. When you get past this stage you are now, I guarantee it will happen to you in a nice, smooth way when you least expect it.

Can you at least do that for me? I never ask you for anything.”

“I know, you’re right. You always are,” said I.

After I hung up with Madelyn, I remained seated thinking over the whole conversation. I don’t know how long I was there, but I surely analyzed myself really hard like I’ve done so many other times before.

The only solution that came to mind was to stop putting my energy into it and live life one day to the next as I’ve been doing so far.

It is all that I’ve done. It is all that I know.

Another Cougar Moment 7 – It’s about a guy

“Hey girl,” said Madelyn, “what story do you have for me today?”

“Dina held a birthday celebration the other night.”

“Yeah…and what else?”

“What do you mean?”

“That there’s a guy intertwined in what you’re about to share with me. Doesn’t it always have to do with a guy?”

“Damn, you’re good,” I said.

“At times I know you better than you know yourself.” (Damn again, she really is that good.) “But I’m always intrigued in knowing the new chapters of your ‘love adventures.’”

“They haven’t exactly been that, you know that.”

“Oh, just tell me about it. I need to have a good laugh.”

“All right, this is what happened…” (I told her the whole story.)

Madelyn laughed hard over the phone. “What Dina did is so her. I would have done the same. So how do you feel about it?”

“I wasn’t happy with her pushing the guy over me. I didn’t go to her birthday with the hope of meeting a guy. I just wanted to have fun and that’s it.” (I took a pause.) “I can’t believe I actually said that.”

“Well, sweetie, you have had quite an overload of experiences one after the other. I think you got burned out and are taking a break.”

“Yeah, I’m emotionally exhausted. I haven’t gone out much lately because I am trying to stay away from situations just like this one.”

“But there’s nothing wrong on what you’re doing.”

“I know, but there are days that I wish I could have a conversation with someone while having my meal besides watching TV. And there are others that I don’t feel like sharing my space with anyone.

My lack of interest for Jesse has nothing to do with his age, or me being a cougar (or not), or doing the right thing or supposed to do. It’s just that I have stopped believing in finding true love all together.

I don’t regret the experiences I’ve had with the other guys in the past. But, in essence, none of them turned into anything worthwhile. So it’s like each moment is a constant repetition of the one before, and, for now, I just don’t want to live them again.”

“Whoa, that’s deep! I don’t recall you ever talking with such a profound analysis. But there’s more to it, isn’t it?”

You’re right about that too, again.