Friendship Above All 46 – More than a feeling

I don’t know how long I stayed sitting in the stairs staring down at him. At times my mind wandered away like I have so many times, thinking and overanalyzing everything in my life, without coming to conclusions to any of my concerns.

The stairs were a sort of shelter of my then emotions. It was as if I had intentionally sat in the middle in order to push myself to make a decision about my future.

You either go backwards, or up, and rethink your tactics of what to do, or ignore your issues all together and do nothing.

Or, just go down, or for it, with or without a plan.

But staying in the middle, or limbo, is the worst place to be, because you’re there in a sort of ‘comfort zone’ that doesn’t allow you to ‘move’ into anything.

And as I was into myself, my friend suddenly woke up with an abrupt ‘hey’ like when you had some sort of bad dream.

He looked at me a little confused. “How long have you been sitting there?” asked he.

“A while, I think,” said I. Surprisingly I was calm.

“I was so asleep, but something shook me.” Maybe it was my presence that did it.

I have a vague memory of how things transcended next, but I did walk down the stairs to where he was.

I believe I sat in the sofa to talk to him. But my next memory is that he took me in his arms and kissed me. I can’t recall what lead to this.

This was the first time it happened and it was totally unexpected, and one that I wasn’t at all hoping for during this trip or any time later, period.

It wasn’t bad, but knowing he had feelings for me, I guess it needed to happen, first, to get it over with, and second, finally experience his affection in a more personal way.

What transcended after is more vague. I believe we did go out that night and something happened during the outing that made me decide on allowing him to share the bed with him, as in resting only (for real!).

Perhaps the sofa became too uncomfortable. Or maybe it had to do with his roommate’s activities that were so ‘noisy’ that made more sense for him being in his own room to avoid any contact.

Now thinking back on this, it was weird. If he had feelings for me, considered me pretty, and you’re finally taking a step forward with the kiss, why not follow to the next level?

Reality was he probably applied the advice he gave to my ex-boyfriend that he would lose me if pressured me into something I wouldn’t want to do.

My friend probably realized, like me sitting in the stairs, that he had 2 choices: leave things as they were and keep the friendship. Or, take a step downward that would make me walk out the door to never return, ending our friendship for good.

“I’m not letting a friendship of so many years get affected by anything,” was something he would express to me many times throughout the years. And I believed him because he practiced what he preached.

Me, I did had a choice regarding the outcome after the kiss, to which I decided not to pursue. Besides not having the same love feelings for him that he had for me, there was something holding me back from this ‘good to be true’ scenario.

What was that made me stay in the middle of the stairs? What was that feeling of going back up and away from that guy down there that was telling me, ‘don’t do it’?

Don’t know, but I’ll try getting an answer after I sleep on it.

Looking Back 13 – To feel or to think?

‘I’m really sorry for what’s happening to you,’ wrote I. ‘I’ve been through it and it’s a difficult process. Is there any chance for the two of you of turning things around with some professional help or something?’

‘No, we’ve tried everything. A divorce is definite. My kids are taking it well. She has moved on with her life already,’ responded he.

Ouch! That’s the same thing my ‘x’ said when he left me. He stated that he had restarted his life and was already dating. He said it with such confidence it made me very upset because he probably was in this ‘singlehood’ thing way before he made his decision.

Reading my friend’s message didn’t open old wounds, but shocked me again how easy it is for other people to end relationships and live ‘la vida loca’ without any remorse. They don’t care about others or the consequences that will bring to them or close ones.

They only think about themselves because they don’t put their emotions into this. It’s not about love; it’s about winning, getting what they want, even if it means running people over.

I may sound judgmental towards a person I’ve never met, but with my experience, I bet you that I’m so right.

So, what am I thinking (or feeling) about his whole situation? I hate to say it, but I’m sort of ‘happy’ that he may become single.

I know it’s not right to feel this way towards others’ misfortune. But after what the ‘beach guy’ and I shared in the past it’s still lingering within me, as there’s something there that needs to be resolved.

What I’m thinking (not feeling) is that perhaps the universe is shuffling things around for this to happen.

If it does, what would I feel then?

Friendship Above All 19 – The true meaning of ‘sleeping’

Nope, I did not see this one coming, and it was a first for me when Alex told me the following over the phone. “I would like you to spend the night with me.”

Holy! What? Say again? Did I get that right? My internal ‘mute’ button quickly activated. My mouth was open and my eyes were circling around while my mind analyzed what I just heard.

“Aah…(pause) Do we have to have sex?” is all I could ask.

“Nothing will happen that you don’t want to.”

(What are you saying? I’m still trying to decipher the first part.) “OK?…”said I.

“Is that a yes?”

“OK as in I guess I understand what you are asking of me? You have caught me off guard again and I’m speechless.”

“I know I’ve really put you in a difficult spot. My intentions are true for you and will never hurt you. Think about it and whatever you decide I will be fine with it,” concluded he.

We agreed that I was going to do that and meet again to discuss. Why meet? We’ve been doing most of our conversations online or by phone and it was understood this type of matters needed to be addressed the old fashioned way: face to face.

I sat back on my sofa, the place I’ve done a lot of thinking and decision making in the past. Many of them have involved a lot of pain and crying, and now was one of those moments.

Alex’s proposition was a very serious one to me. He wanted a committed relationship and me, not yet. He obviously was not into this for just the fun of it and neither was I.

But he also said that ‘nothing would happen unless I wanted it to.’ OK? So, if I decide to get in bed with him just to sleep (and don’t want to have sex!), will he leave me alone the rest of the night?

Get real Emma! He’s a guy! He’ll say anything to get you to his bed and then some! Do you honestly think he won’t do anything when he has a girl next to him??

Hmm, I wonder that too. I mean, he hasn’t tried to kiss me or expressed any type of emotions physically like hugging or holding hands. So, there’s a possibility he might actually be telling the truth.

Now I’m really curious to find out. Maybe instead of being afraid about this, I should go for the non-sex approach and see what happens.

Talking about putting this guy to the test.